


No Different

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Autism, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Bottom Yoo Kihyun, Cellist Hoseok, Complete, Dancer Shownu, Feelings friends to lovers, Fluff, Gorgeous music and dance scenes, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is a cute giggly mess, M/M, Manners vs no manners, Showki, Singer kihyun, Slow Burn, Smut, This fic will make you feel excited and positive about life, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Top Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, We loved writing it, We will go down with this ship, dancer hyungwon, let's embrace our differences and love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-04-11 20:46:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 167,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: Music and dance belong together like moon and stars in the night sky, but it’s never that easy, is it?Hoseok only knows his cello, the soft notes that speak when he strokes the strings. Not liking people, he prefers to avoid them until there is someone who doesn’t let him.Hyungwon speaks with his body, and is so different from what the cellist knows. As Hyungwon attempts to become the thing Hoseok loves the most, they find a place where they belong, being no different from each other.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: No Different. It is again a story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with artistry and autism, however, it is different from the way it was portrayed in Chaos.  
>   
> The story is already written and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Please write one of us on here if you want to follow, it is a private account to protect our readers =)  
> And our Instragram: [SMUTSIS Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
> Thank you so much for reading us. We love you  
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and Shownu  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok and Kihyun  
> A special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)

“Hoseok, this is considered abuse, okay? It’s 9 a.m. and I can’t be getting up to this tuneless torture. I don’t pay money for this stupid room for you to step on my human rights like this. Please be fucking considerate. For once.” Throwing his head back, his black-haired friend groaned. The groan was perfectly in tune.

_ He’s talented. _

“I like the sound, but I think your position sucks. If you groaned without throwing your head back, it might come out better. It wouldn’t constrict your throat, you know? But you probably learned that, right?” He sorted the sheet music and placed it back in the drawer. Unfortunately, the piece of furniture didn’t work well and the sound the drawer made while sliding back into the desk made him go nuts. Talking was better. “The facility manager told me that I’m allowed to make reasonable noise starting at eight. I don’t see the problem, plus, I know that you have a lecture now that you should be attending instead of sleeping.” 

“This door-” Kihyun started and pointed at the dark-brown door, mouth open and eyes wide, probably to make his point clear. “This door is so thin, Hoseok, that I can hear when that talentless bastard picks up the bow and exhales, knowing all too well that he’ll suck as soon as it touches the strings. Please. Fucking please, I beg you, just- I don’t know- make it an hour later? Huh?” 

_ Would it work out? _

Sighing, he picked up his phone and browsed through his calendar, searching for free spots. He would have had a few if there wasn’t the collaborative project that the chancellor announced. Sure, it made sense from the school's perspective, the anniversary performances from the past two years were terribly boring and lacked creativity and talent, so it might have been the last resort to take the best individuals out of each programme and let them create a performance. He had to meet up with some guy from the contemporary dance department, but had no idea what he looked like or what they were going to do.

_ It can’t be you playing Bach and him dancing, can it? _

“I can’t because I have to meet a guy from the Department of Contemporary Dance. Do you know him? Hyungwon? Apparently he’s considered the best dancer there. Not that I know anything about dance and not that I care either.” It was frustrating, he could’ve created a beautiful cello performance all by himself. Glancing towards his friend, Hoseok pouted. “You should definitely work on your tolerance, Kihyun. I doubt that you were any good a few years ago. Your neighbors might have suffered greatly for you to become an average singer, you should show some empathy.” Nodding to support his words, Hoseok smiled, asking himself why Kihyun had to make a scene at nine in the morning while wearing nothing but underwear.

“I’d strangle you if it didn’t send me to jail. I don’t know anyone from the dancing department, Hoseok. I know you and that’s enough, believe me. You led me astray with your handsome, friendly face and your shyness, but the mask fell and now you are my roommate and I have to listen to untalented kids abusing the cello and to you telling me that I’m an average singer. Fuck you, Hoseok, I’m an amazing singer, okay?” Walking towards him, Kihyun pushed him so hard that he almost fell from the chair before his friend returned to his room, closing the thin door behind him.

_ He’s not bad. You only said it because you wanted him to leave and get dressed. _

Who the hell ran around in underwear all the time?

_ People who don’t consider the invention of clothes something positive. _

Hoseok should have apologized, but he opened his laptop instead. The list of things he had to do grew continuously, and he began feeling dissatisfied because of putting off doing the one thing he didn’t feel motivated enough to do.

_ You need to contact the dancer. There is not much time left. _

A smile spread his cheeks after he saw the homepage of the dancing department and spotted an announcement of a performance that evening. It was perfect. This way he could look at the team and get a general impression without appearing like an idiot. Maybe he could even talk to the dancer if he was there. There was a high chance of meeting the best one at one of the performances. They always got the main roles, didn’t they?

“Kihyun?” he yelled, knowing well that his friend was listening. “Let’s go watch some dancing tonight.” 

_

 

The dark blue suit looked good on him, a perfect combination with the white button down and the small leather bag. It was nice for a change, especially after constantly being forced to carry his huge cello case around. Brushing his blonde bangs back, Hoseok knocked once and entered his friend's room. It was messy as always and the black-haired man stood in front of the mirror, trying to fix something.

“What are you trying to fix? There is nothing you can do, you were born like this,” he commented with a derogatory gesture in Kihyun's direction. “Why are you wearing jeans? Isn't this a performance? You have to show respect and dress accordingly.” Hoseok pressed his lips together and eyed his friend’s style choice. It was bad.

“Uhm, first of all: fuck you. Secondly, you are ridiculously overdressed. Who wears a suit to an art school dance performance? It's not the Bolshoi theatre and you're not an oligarch, so what the hell are you trying to do? Go change.” A loud laugh followed as Kihyun murmured something to himself. He was probably cursing him out. It was okay because Hoseok knew that he was right.

_ But what if it's true? _

“Are you sure that it's not your lack of common sense speaking?” he asked and lifted his eyebrow. It was an important occasion and he needed to make a good impression on the dancer he was supposed to work with.

“You don't know, because your arrogance makes you blind, but you're the one with the lack of common sense. Go change, or I'll hit you with the bow.” Fixing his ridiculous-looking hair, Kihyun stepped back and watched himself while grinning confidently. For no reason.

“Fine, I'll take off the suit jacket. I didn't wear a tie, so I do have common sense.” He left the dark-blue piece of clothing on the chair next to Kihyun's desk and smiled in satisfaction. He felt a little uncomfortable without the jacket, but his friend was right sometimes. Hoseok hoped that this was one of those times.

“Let's just go before I get angry,” the black-haired man commented and grabbed his wrist, pulling him out of the room and slamming the door shut. 

So much for common sense.

The performance venue was located next to his faculty and he felt comfortable because he had played a concert at that location and knew the stage. The best seats were in the fourth row on the right.

After a glance at the other visitors, Hoseok decided that it had been a good decision to leave his suit jacket at home. Most people were very casual and their style resembled that of his best friend.

“You might have been right about the jacket,” he commented before sitting down. Kihyun slapped him instead of replying. As usual.

“Shut up and watch something that's not other people playing cello worse than you. Maybe you'll learn something.” The black-haired man looked focused and excited as the lights turned off and the curtain opened.

The performance started with two spotlights directed towards opposite ends of the stage and strange noises. Hoseok wouldn't have described it as music because it resembled the sound of someone rubbing a fork against a knife, repeatedly. The delayed wincing around him suggested that most of the people around him felt that way. Not that he trusted them enough to attest to them having any musical knowledge. 

Two women appeared, one at each spotlight and began to perform rough motions that reminded Hoseok of a screw that needed to be tightened, turning and stopping at random intervals. It always happened paired with a screeching noise. Slowly the spotlights moved closer towards each other as the girls performed backwards rolls, bending their bodies until they reached the centre of the stage and intertwined their legs in a complex pattern. Like a screw. The screeching stopped and the lights turned black, triggering loud applause.

_ What did you just see? _

In the next scene there were a lot of people dancing at once, resembling a complex machine in which everybody did a slightly different movement but it still looked like one entity. The group was mixed, men and women, different body types, tall, short, muscular, thin, curvy, skinny. There was a bit of everything with the commonality that they all knew how to move, first smoothly, then roughly, making them look like a machine again. This time the accompaniment was average and resembling music, especially when the dancers stopped moving like a machine and ran in all directions, doing their own thing. The music was what told Hoseok the story, the repetitiveness that they all felt, pushed together in a closed space only to be able to escape the centre of the stage and be themselves again, to dance. A few gracious harmonies signified the end as all dancers fell to the ground without a sound and stretched out their arms towards something unidentifiable.

The music continued, sometimes strange, sometimes classical, but then again just a bunch of noise that Hoseok couldn't put anywhere and would have preferred to avoid. 

When a bright spotlight focused on the centre of the stage, illuminating the muscular body of a young man, the crowd began to whistle and yell. The girl in front of Hoseok screamed something that sounded like ‘get it, boy'. As soon as the first bass note dropped, the crowd quieted down in a single instant, leaving heavy music and smooth motions of the man on stage. Each sweep of an arm, every knee bent corresponded to the music, like it was the source of the movements instead of the dancer’s body. The lights were a mix of red and purple that slowly transitioned into bluish hues accompanied by softer notes, trying to imitate classical music. A girl appeared on the other side of the stage, joining the choreography by sinking to the floor and covering it with long strands of black hair until the muscular dancer lifted her up, arm wrapped around her waist. Hoseok was close enough to see each strained muscle as the girl's long legs wrapped around the muscular thighs and the two of them turned, motions acrobatic and harmonious with the classical notes. One didn't have to be an expert to know that they must have been the main dancers.

The girl never stood straight, always sinking into a smooth split or curving her back as she held onto the male dancer. There were some similarities in their build but it was difficult to tell with the changing light. Once the music reached its climax and faded out, the dancer wrapped his hands around the girl's waist and lifted her up before letting her sink to the floor on her own.

The lights turned off and deafening screaming and cheering began. The bright lights returned to the hall and Hoseok could see people standing up and clapping excitedly, dressed casually or like they just came from the gym.

Hoseok had no idea what the performance was supposed to be about and he didn’t like it either, but still clapped.

“They’re good,” he heard his friend say while he joined the unjustified standing ovation.

As if the dancers had just performed something proper, they ran back to the stage and bowed, grinning under heavy makeup and waving at random people in the crowd. It was very unprofessional. He had no idea why he went.

_ Because you wanted to talk to the main dancer. _

Right. Just that he didn’t want to talk to him anymore.

“Now you just have to wait a little bit until he comes out. It takes twenty minutes or so. Just don’t tell him anything bad, but well, you only do that with people you know. Evolution did a good job with you. You might get laid before the girl sees what kind of person you are.” Kihyun pushed him towards the exit, laughing and being in a good mood for no reason at all. Hoseok also had no desire to ‘get laid’.

“I don’t know if I want to talk to him anymore,” he murmured and glanced to the stage, pressing his lips together in dissatisfaction.

“Uhm, are you stupid? Weren’t you supposed to get together last week and start this week? Don’t be an idiot, Hoseok. Go there, schedule a meetup and get it over with. He will like you because you went to his performance.” His black-haired friend had a point and he sighed at himself while trying not to look at the other visitors. He preferred symphony concerts, all visitors looked similar and seemed like a whole. Like this it looked like a badly done patchwork carpet.

_ You’re the only proper looking piece. _

The crowd was boisterous, drinking and talking in a volume that hurt his ears. Trying to endure it with breathing exercises, Hoseok held onto Kihyun and drank his diet Coke. Twenty minutes passed easily and still there was no sight of the guy he was waiting for.

“Oh look, there he is,” Kihyun exclaimed and pointed at the dancer with the broad back who looked very different without tons of makeup. He wouldn’t have said better, just different. The guy didn't go anywhere and stopped at the backstage exit, leaning against the wall and checking his phone. He was probably waiting for somebody.

“Amazing,” he murmured back but didn’t make any attempts to talk to the stranger before his best friend took the initiative and dragged him over.

“Hey! Amazing performance! You did a great job, I loved it. My friend here wanted to talk to you.” Grinning, Kihyun grabbed him by the wrist and pulled. “Here.”

_ Fuck him. _

Unsure what to say, Hoseok ripped his wrist out of his friend’s hold and stared.

“Oh- ehm, hi,” the dancer remarked and glanced around briefly like he wasn't too sure that Hoseok actually wanted to talk to him. Even his right index finger pointed at his own chest as he packed away his phone hastily. “Thank you,” he commented towards Kihyun and nodded in appreciation, finally remembering manners.

_ Just get it over with. _

“Hi. I’m Hoseok Lee, I play cello. We were both chosen to create a performance for the 100-year celebration together as you are apparently the best dancer from your faculty and I’m the best cellist. Let’s set up a plan as it’s going to be difficult. When do you usually have time? Are you at school every day, or do you have your practice somewhere else?” Hoseok asked, holding onto his Coke for dear life with one hand and furiously attempting to not put his other hand into the pocket of his suit pants.

“Huh?” The eyes, that Hoseok had been pretty convinced didn't exist without makeup, suddenly turned big and stared at him in confusion. Again the dancer looked around like he was convinced Hoseok wasn't talking to him in the first place and he only happened to be standing there, by chance. “Chosen? Us? But I opted out to focus on my finals… I think? Are you a musician?”

_ What? Is he… cognitively impaired? _

“Uhm… I play cello, it’s an instrument. You know? With a bow?” Kihyun pinched him in the side and he almost yelped loudly. “I was at the chancellor's office last week and he told me I have to contact the contemporary dance department for their main dancer. Hyungwon. So I came here to finally make a schedule because I’m going crazy as I actually don’t want to… ouch.” There was another pinch, this time really painful and he turned to Kihyun, glaring at the black-haired man furiously. It was too loud. He wanted to leave.

“Oh,” the dancer remarked until his eyes got even bigger at the mention of his own name. “ _ Oh _ , you mean my partner! I opted out of the whole thing, but Hyungwon didn't. That must be who you are looking for.” Apparently it wasn’t his name. There was relief on the guy's face and he smiled a little, standing there like he didn’t belong.

“Wait, so you’re not Hyungwon? Where is Hyungwon?” he asked and looked around. Where was he supposed to find the guy’s partner?

“He’s the person you saw on stage with me, there's a lot of makeup to remove, so it takes a while. Can I offer you a beer? Or…,” the guy glanced at his drink, “another Coke? We have quite a lot of stuff at the back, for your friend too. I'm sorry, I already forgot your name, I'm really bad with names.” Rubbing over his messy hair apologetically, the dancer shrugged.

_ A woman? But he said it was a man. Hyungwon is a male name. _

It was weird and he also didn’t want to drink any beer. He attempted to decline, but Kihyun was faster, nodding like an idiot and pulling him along.

The dancer was strangely happy about that and held the backstage door open for them before moving along a hallway and stopping at a white door. He opened it without knocking and revealed a storage room with drinks and random snacks.

“Take what you like,” he commented and grabbed a bag of shrimp flavoured potato chips. Hoseok almost vomited imagining the taste.

“I’m fine, thank you, I just want to… “  _ Go home. You want to go home.  _ “Meet your partner briefly to give him my contact details and arrange a first meeting.” His speech was completely irrelevant to his best friend, who took two bottles of beer and chicken snacks. Kihyun was hopeless.

Choosing snacks was apparently more important than him as the dancer began to elaborate on how good the chicken ones were and where one should buy them while closing the door behind them and happily munching on Kihyun's snacks instead of eating his own disgusting ones. Arriving at another door, he knocked this time, smiling at them in the process.

There was no ‘come in’ but they still entered a brightly lit room with a pile of clothes that were covering the floor, almost every surface and partially a few girls that were trying to throw them all on one heap. A single person was in front of a mirror, one leg raised up on the makeup table and hands flat against the glass. It was a guy, staring at his own reflection while dressed in a pair of suit pants and a white shirt, the exact same ones that Hoseok was wearing.

_ You look better wearing them. He’s a stick. _

Strange. He felt strange and he found the whole atmosphere strange, he didn’t like the mess and he hated being around all these people he didn’t know and also didn’t like. Curling his fingers around Kihyun’s wrist he murmured that they should go home, but was ignored.

“Hyungwon?” the dancer with the snacks exclaimed, placing the bag of potato chips on the makeup table next to the guy and staring at him. Apparently that wasn't enough to get his attention as he poked his waist next, earning a hiss and a pair of humongous eyes that focused on him. The guy's face reminded him of a deflated balloon with facial features on it. Maybe the balloon had the right proportions when blown up, but as soon as the air left and it got smaller the features became abnormally large, like gigantic eyes and lips.

“Nunu, I can't get the fucking lipstick off, it settled in the cracks and it just doesn't go,” the guy named Hyungwon muttered and grabbed his face with his hands. There was bright lipstick on his mouth.

Hoseok stayed next to Kihyun and stared until it got uncomfortable and he wanted to get it over with. Again. 

“Hey, you can continue removing the lipstick, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Hoseok Lee, I play cello and we're supposed to create a performance together, so I wanted to leave my contact details and ask when we could meet up to discuss it?” His body didn't seem to listen to his brain and he snuck both hands into the pockets of his suit pants.

“Okay,” the guy he had actually been looking for replied and stretched out his hand, staring at him intently.

Grabbing the big hand, Hoseok squeezed it once and stared back, waiting for feedback to what he said while he heard Kihyun munching on snacks and talking to the dancer they came with.

Apparently squeezing wasn't the point as the guy winced in pain and looked at him as if he was an alien specimen.

“Your contact details, I thought you wanted to give them to me,” he remarked and stretched out his hand again, this time with a lifted eyebrow.

_ What are you supposed to do? Spit them into his palm? _

It was getting too much. Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply.

“Do you have a phone? An email address? Because I don't carry paper around.” Suddenly he remembered the business card of the shop he bought sheet music from and reached for his bag, pulling it out and scribbling his phone number on it. “Fine. Here's my phone number. I have to go now, so please call me or write when you have time. We need to start soon, it will be a difficult piece.”

“That's what I expected!” Hyungwon remarked and pointed at the business card, folding his legs on top of the makeup table like it was a chair. “Guys that dress like you, usually have business cards and shit, but this is also fine. I won't call you because I hate it, but I'll send you a text, beautiful stranger.”

Grinning, the black-haired man lifted his right hand and waved at him in goodbye.

Something about the words made him angry and he furrowed his eyebrows, pressing his lips together and stretching out his palm.

Blinking a few times, Hyungwon licked over his lips and grabbed his hand, still smiling.

“Do you want to hold hands now? That's also fine with me.”

Hoseok almost groaned in frustration, but bit his tongue instead.

“No. You said guys who dressed like me have business cards. You're dressed like me so I'm expecting yours.” He pulled his palm from the guy's hold but kept it open.

“Oh, that's a smooth one! I'll keep it in mind,” the dancer replied and winked, leaning back instead of handing him a business card. “It's just a couple look.”

_ The lipstick must be getting to him.  _

“I'll leave you now, you seem confused. Please write me though, I really want to get it over with and we need to start as soon as possible.” Sighing, Hoseok glanced at the guy's face one last time before turning around and grabbing Kihyun's wrist.

“You're cute! I'll let it slip,” Hyungwon called after him and giggled. It was so weird.

“Let's go. Fucking now.” he hissed, ignoring the fact that he interrupted his best friend's conversation. 

“I think my friend wants to go home to his cello,” Kihyun murmured and let himself be pulled along to the door.

He did. Hoseok wanted to go back to his cello and not be weirded out by a guy who played a woman without him noticing and acted strange towards him. He wanted silence.

“Hyungwon is handsome,” Kihyun said. 

“You're blind,” he replied. 

 

***

 

Hyungwon chuckled loudly as the door closed behind the cute, muscular guy with the hot undercut and his shorter friend. 

_ What was his name again? _

He hadn't seen either of the two before, but that didn't have to mean anything. Hyungwon barely knew who the hell was in his courses even if they stood right in front of him in the metro and expected to be recognized. Spoiler, it never worked and he ended up apologising and saying the truth with a smile. 

People liked smiles.

Rubbing over his lips with his index finger, he tried to double check whether his interpretation of events was accurate. But there was no alternative.

The two of them might have been to a performance before, but Hyungwon probably failed to notice them. Most people only talked to him after seeing several performances and getting their nerve up, at least usually. It wouldn't make sense otherwise, one had to accumulate evidence of attractiveness before investing the effort to go and talk to somebody. There had to be a good tradeoff and this time he hadn't shown off properly apart from his waist and how beautifully he could do the splits. Those two things weren't worth getting his number for.

_ But then, who knows? _

He giggled when his eyes fell on Hyunwoo who was still standing right where the short man had left him and stared at the package of chicken snacks in his hand. He looked like he was ditched on a date, only the flowers and the rain were missing. Hyungwon had definitely seen such a scene somewhere, his source memory sucked.

“Now I feel a little bad,” his bulky friend commented and rustled with the package, “those were his and he left without them.”

“I'm sure he can get more,” he replied and turned to the mirror again, annoyed by the bright red. It looked off, like it wasn't part of his face and he hated it. Either it had to go or he had to make everything else fit the colour, wear a red suit, or have red hair, or generally have something red. His suit pants and shirt definitely didn't fit and it made him want to rub his forehead over the mirror repeatedly until the feeling disappeared. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell when that would be, so he simply enjoyed the cold sensation and turned off, body turning limp.

The quiet nothingness lasted only for a few seconds.

“Hyungwon? I think this is a bad place for spacing out. Is there something I can do for you? I brought you shrimp.” There was some more rustling of plastic and the delicious scent of shrimp potato chips.

He inhaled deeply and opened his eyes. Hyunwoo was right, they had to leave soon, preferably early enough for the rest of the team to clean up.

_ But you hate that lipstick. _

Reaching for the open package, he sighed loudly and inserted a potato chip into his mouth, letting it melt on his tongue. It was delicious and made him feel a little better, especially when he closed his eyes and tried to forget the strange feeling in his chest that told him something was a little bit off, or terribly wrong or both.

“I need something red, I need to wear it now or I'm gonna go mad,” he commented and quickly ate another chip. Hyunwoo joined in before getting up and returning with a bright red skirt.

“There is only this,” he muttered and pulled at the fabric, “but your slim hips should fit. Will it make you feel better?”

_ Definitely, it's the same shade of red. _

Holding the fabric to his lips briefly, he smiled and unbuttoned his suit pants. He couldn't wear it together, there was something inherently wrong about that. His socks were black and didn't disturb the image and his white shirt was also not a problem. It looked like a mixture of elegant and Russian school girl. It was still better than elegant with red lipstick that didn't fit anywhere.

“Do you think they realized that I wasn't Emma? I tried to look a little shorter, but it was difficult,” he asked and pulled the red fabric over his ass. It was okay. “Do you mind me wearing a skirt on the way home?”

“No, you know I don't really mind. Whatever you like,” his friend replied and smiled, with his eyes mostly and Hyungwon immediately wanted to hug him and pinch his cheeks. So he did, because he couldn't even spell inhibition without turning it into initiation and Nunu didn't mind.

Laughing cheerfully because the lipstick didn't matter anymore, he grabbed his black leather backpack, stuffed in his suit pants and held onto his friend’s hand on the way out.

“You did well and it was also not that difficult to lift you, thank you for trusting me.” Holding his hand a little stiffly, Hyunwoo maneuvered them out of the venue and past everybody who gave them a weird look because Hyungwon obviously didn't look like a girl with his broad shoulders and flat chest.

“Fuck gender stereotypes,” he murmured, but stepped a little closer towards his friend. He usually didn't care, but once he saw that people were staring he could never tell whether it was the good or the bad kind of staring.

_ It's better not to notice. _

“Hyungwon, do you think I should take two packages of chicken snacks along next week, just in case I meet him? I've seen him in one of the vocal practice rooms before.”

“You're really nice, I'm sure he'll like it. You can probably tell better than me, Nunu,” he replied and tried to think of anybody else who shared food with random people apart from him. “Those two were funny, but you don't have to take everybody when they talk to you. It's up to you.”

“But they had a reason this time!” Hyunwoo’s eyes widened a little and his eyebrows moved when he was arguing against something. Hyungwon was so glad he could read the other man's face.

_ Not like that muscular cello guy, he was strangely angry for somebody who wants your number. _

“But they all come up with reasons, interview for the uni paper, photos for next year, art projects and now it's also collaboration projects I don't know about. He was pretty determined too, pulling that ‘you're wearing the same clothes’ thing. He must have come while before the performance started and checked my clothes. He's cute.” Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon contemplated whether he wanted to call the guy with the hot undercut. The hair on top looked like it was nice to pull and that was already a plus. Only the unreadable face was a minus, the features had been all over the place.

_ As if he actually didn't want to talk to you, but that makes no sense. _

“Ehm, Hyungwon?” Hyunwoo suddenly stopped walking and turned to him, nose doing that thing when it twitches upwards because he's hiding something. “Why do you think the musician came to you?”

_ What kinda question is that? _

“Because he thought I'm hot and wanted my number? Why else, Nunu?”

His best friend grinned suddenly, pulling him along and almost forcing him to trip on his own two feet.

“Remember when they asked us to do this collaboration between departments and you said you'd do it?”

“No?”

“The one for the school’s anniversary.”

Hyungwon gaped dumbly. He was really bad with things he actually didn't care about and that didn't correspond to his plans. It sounded like it vaguely rang a bell, but nothing more than that.

“Maybe I can help you remember. You said that ‘the musician won't need the instrument because if they are hot they can play you instead’.” Again his friend grinned, this time it was the triumphant one, the grin that told Hyungwon the circumstances were particularly entertaining.

_ Because the guy just now was the musician. _

“Oh God, he wanted to do a collab.”

“Yep.”

“With me.”

“Also yep,” Hyunwoo replied and forced him to walk so fast that his skirt kept riding up and he had to pull it down every five steps.

“And I'll have to contact him after giggling, calling him smooth and saying I'll forgive him because he's cute, fuck.” Groaning loudly, he slipped behind his best friend and jumped up on his back, letting his muscular companion carry him as he contemplated the meaning of life and failed social interaction.

There was no affirmation this time, as Nunu simply grabbed his thighs from the back and pulled the skirt downwards to cover his behind. His best friend was considerate like that.

“I'll write to him, but not for the reason I had hoped for. His hair looked perfect for pulling, you'll never understand the loss, Nunu.” There was a bit of disappointment, but also excitement. He loved dancing and he had never prepared something for a piece that was played live. He wanted to try it out, match their outfits and their styles to make it perfect. It had to be perfect.

“You could still tell him that you can be his instrument instead,” Hyunwoo remarked and snickered to himself as he carried Hyungwon up another flight of stairs.

“Oh, shut up.”

Something told him that the well dressed cellist wouldn't be fond of that at all. 

_ Because he was angry for some reason, wasn't he? _

_

“How do you write to somebody that you kind of pissed off because you misunderstood, but that you have to meet for a project?” Hyungwon asked and sighed out loud, head lying on his desk and fingers rubbing over two initials in a heart that somebody had scratched into it.

“Are you talking to me?” the girl next to him asked quietly and pointed at her face before staring ahead again. They were in the middle of a lecture after all. Maybe asking for advice was a strange conversation starter.

“Do you like the colour blue?” he tried instead while still thinking about his actual problem.

“Ehm, yeah? I'm wearing blue.” Hyungwon glanced up at her fluffy blue pullover to realise that she was indeed wearing blue. He wanted to touch it, it looked like a cloud.

“Can I touch it?” he asked with a whisper because the professor had turned around and they were sitting in the first row.

“What?” the girl hissed in reply before Hyungwon reached out and fumbled the sleeve of her pullover. It felt really nice, like a braid made from cotton candy. If cotton candy wasn't sticky but like actual cotton. So it was a cotton braid, a particularly fluffy one.

“So to get back to my question, how do I write to somebody who might be angry but that I have to meet?” Hyungwon resumed and glanced to the side to figure out whether she was angry with him. The fumbling of her pullover must have made her a little nervous. That hadn't been his intention. Placing a palm on her shoulder, he leaned a little closer. “Are you okay?”

“I'm great,” she forced out, a little too loud as the professor threw them a lifted eyebrow. “Just write a text message, God, both of you need to meet after all.”

“Thanks!” Hyungwon yelled as the lecture had ended with a few final words and he grabbed his notebook and his coloured pens. His notes had to be marked accordingly and the drawings at the sides were nice too.

Nunu was studying, so Hyungwon had to figure out social communication on his own. Pulling out his phone, he followed the advice and typed in ‘Hi’ before sending it off to the number on the music shop business card. That was a good start.

A few seconds passed before his phone showed a reply. A single question mark.

“Huh?” he commented out loud and glanced around to see if the guy was anywhere to be seen. Usually he only got question marks via message because he texted somebody who was right next to him. But there was no sign of the guy, so he returned his attention to the screen, trying again.

‘Hi.’

‘I’ll report you for the illegal use of my number,’ the musician wrote in reply.

_ Oh God, why? _

Hyungwon panicked as his adrenaline spiked up and he almost dropped his phone because his fingers began shaking. He didn't have legal insurance and he doubted that ‘I don't get shit’ worked as an excuse.

‘But you gave it to me!’ he typed quickly and hoped that it couldn't be considered offensive. There was no insult and only the truth as usual. His head already hurt and he only read a single sentence.

Suddenly his phone started ringing, showing the number he had written to.

_ He's calling you, oh fuck, he's calling you. _

If there was something that Hyungwon was terribly afraid of, then it was phone calls. The grotesque experience of listening to somebody's voice without knowing a single thing about them, neither their personality, nor their facial expressions. Hyungwon couldn't see any of that, only hear and he was bound to fuck up somehow. Shit.

_ You always misinterpret emotions on the phone. _

He wanted to roll up and not pick up, but he had trained enough to take a few deep breaths, lean against a tree and answer, eyes closed. When his eyes were closed he could pretend that he was lying in bed or something, far away and could see the face if he really wanted to and opened his eyes.

“Y-yeah,” he spoke and cringed at how high-pitched his voice sounded.

“Hoseok Lee speaking. Who am I talking to?” the low voice asked, stern and emotionless.

A name. He could do this, names were easy.

“Hyungwon Chae, you gave me your number on the business card for the music shop three streets from the uni, the one that has a Spanish guitar in the window,” he muttered quickly and opened his eyes again, this time to stare at the tree top. He was glad that the university had a few trees to hide under.

“Uhm… are you the guy from yesterday? Lipstick and suit pants? Why didn't you introduce yourself, I was about to block your number. Did you want to schedule a meet up?” The other man's voice lost a bit of its stern undertone and turned pleasantly low, vibrating even, like a purring cat.

Hyungwon didn't like cats, but that was because they only cared about themselves. He had read that somewhere. 

“Well, I wanted to contact you at first because you wanted me to. I'm free after three today if that's good for you. Also, I didn't introduce myself because I was starting a conversation, saying hello. Isn't that how you're supposed to start?” Maybe this Hoseok guy was also not very good at communication, accusing people unnecessarily.

“You can say ‘hi’ if the person sees who they're talking to. I'm busy until four. Where do you want to meet?” There was a barely audible sigh and some shuffling. The reply was reasonable, so Hyungwon decided to remember it for next time. The sigh made him a little uncomfortable, because he couldn't tell what it meant. Was the other man tired? Annoyed? Exhausted?

_ He doesn't want to meet, does he? _

“If you don't want to see me, then you don't have to. It's a free country,” he commented and chewed on his cheek, contemplating where to meet if Hoseok really wanted to. He had a few favourite spots.

“I have no problem with seeing you. If you don’t know where to meet just come over to my dorm-room. We need to plan first anyway, there won’t be any need to dance as I saw your performance yesterday, so the space should be sufficient,” Hoseok elaborated and he could hear the other man scratching over some surface repeatedly. It hurt his head and he felt the sudden need to throw his phone against something hard. He didn't though, he only took a few deep breaths, attempting to continue the conversation.

“That wasn't my performance, I jumped in for Emma. She got really ill, a lung infection or something, so I did it for her. It was a little impractical with the wig, but I don't think anybody could tell.” He was getting sidetracked. “What is the number of your dorm room?” 

Hyungwon couldn't help the suspicion that it was still a lie. Getting invited over for a project was strange, wasn't it? Most people met in the library. But he had no time to get any prettier than he already was.

_ At least the lipstick is gone. _

“I see. I thought you were a woman. It’s the dorm next to the vocal school. Fifth floor, room fourteen. I will have one hour free until the next kid comes, so we should hurry up. I’ll save your number,” Hoseok murmured and said his goodbyes before hanging up.

The relief was instant and Hyungwon jumped up and down two times before finally feeling okay again. Okay enough to focus on his studies and his performance the day before. If Hoseok mistook him for a woman, then that meant Hyungwon had done a good job.

_ What if he thought you were a woman and that's why he wanted to see you. Or he was hopeful and excited because of the project, but then he saw that you're a man and got all disappointed. _

Giggling, he hurried to his next lecture. His right hand reached for his fidget spinner and made it spin, relaxing him after the tense phone call. The plastic-metal combination felt firm and cool in his hand and he loved to watch it when he got bored during lessons or couldn't be stuffed scribbling in his notebook anymore.

_ You'll have to show him what your real dancing looks like some other time. _

***

 

Massaging his temples, Hoseok attempted to understand why the black-haired dancer with the lipstick freaked him out so much. Usually he was able to deal with worse situations and the most annoying people were all studying music, so it wasn’t the lack of experience.

_ He’s so weird. You can’t predict him. _

Maybe it was also a crooked first impression because he was tired and it had been way too loud for him to think clearly. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was 4.30 and the dancer named Hyungwon should’ve been able to find his dorm room after he described it in detail, but there was no-one.

_ Maybe he ditched you? _

Wow. It would be the first time. Hoseok looked in the mirror and fixed his blue sweatshirt and dark-blue jeans. He really liked blue and it fit so well with his blonde hair. He also had a blue case for his cello. It was made of carbon and he had paid fifteen hundred bucks for it.

_ Worth it. _

Kihyun was out, shopping with some girl from his opera class and he felt useless because he couldn’t start doing anything in case the stick of a human suddenly appeared and he had to stop.

There was a strange noise right outside his door that he couldn't place, like somebody scratched over it, but also as if sliding over it in a circular motion.

_ What the actual fuck? _

Hoseok moved towards it and opened it roughly for the sound to stop. He was met with big, brown eyes that widened even more.

“Hi,” the taller man remarked awkwardly before he suddenly transformed his whole face into a smile, lips spread wide and cheeks becoming big and puffy. It was really weird because his eyes remained wide. “Do you like the colour blue?”

“Uhm… yes?” He felt so awkward and the only reason for this uncomfortable feeling was the tall, stick-like person standing in front of his door. “Come in,” Hoseok murmured, turning around and staring at his grey carpet instead to get rid of the awkwardness. Grabbing his notebook, he sat on the edge of his bed and crossed his legs.

“True, you’re also wearing a lot of blue,” the guy remarked excitedly and reached out to poke Hoseok in the chest with his index finger. “I like the way it looks with your hair, if you did a headstand one might think you’re bubblegum ice cream, a gigantic one.” Winking at him for no reason, the black-haired man licked over his lips and threw himself on his bed without even asking, arms stretched out and big eyes staring at the ceiling. He took up most of the space and left barely any for Hoseok, skinny leg touching his hips. Thankfully the guy’s shoe-clad feet were hanging over the edge. “So, why did you want me here, Hoseok?”

_ Oh god. _

He attempted to increase the distance and shifted until his right leg was hanging over the edge before replying. The notebook he was focusing on had nicely designed pages with tiny pencil-drawn cellos on the corners of each page.

“I wanted to meet up as soon as possible, but people tend to take too long to choose a location, so I told you to come and you even managed. Very late, but oh well.” Glancing over in silent judgement, he took his elegant pen and wrote the date on the first page. “So, I play cello and you dance, what the hell are we supposed to do together?”

“You play cello and I dance I guess. Oh wait, let me explain first!” the black-haired guy exclaimed and sat up, gesturing with his hands. “I was in front of your door at 4 o’clock exactly, but then I didn’t know whether you wanted me to knock or to ring the small bell, so I tried to figure it out. In the end I wasn't really able to and I also didn’t know what to say, so I kinda hoped it would come to me but it didn’t. Until you opened the door that is. Do you have orange juice?” The dancer used his right hand to perform a drinking gesture, as if Hoseok was too dumb to figure out what he meant.

_ Why did you agree to this, Hoseok? Why? Why? _

“I don’t know whether you usually ‘just dance’, it seemed like it yesterday, but it has to be planned and it’s not sufficient to just get it over with. I don’t want to ruin the impression the professors have of me. It has to be perfect. I would’ve already started, if I didn’t have a partner that is.” Hoseok sighed and jumped up, leaving his notebook on the bed. “I hate orange juice. But I have water, or a protein shake.”

“Protein shake? Is that how you get so muscular?” the dancer asked, reaching for Hoseok’s thigh which he squeezed without prior warning. Hoseok yelped at the sudden touch and jumped back, staring at the black-haired dancer in shock. Who the hell touched other people like this?

The guy’s face switched to pure disgust, ignoring his issues. “I hate water, it tastes disgusting. Maybe you have a shake with mango or something? Or coconut? I really like coconut. Also-” he threw his shoes off his feet and folded his legs under his slim body, “I want it to be perfect too! There is so much we could pull off, especially if you are good at playing the cello. There are a few pieces I like a lot. I’ve also seen performances where one person plays the cello and the other person dances to it.”

“I have coconut,” he murmured and decided to stay as far away as possible. “I haven’t seen anything like that before. I only know music. And singing, because my best friend does opera singing, so he sometimes teases me, singing along when I practice.” Hoseok took the shaker and poured water inside, making sure that it was the right amount before adding the protein powder and shaking everything furiously. He liked it more when it was foamy.

“Your room is just as small as ours, makes it seem less unfair,” the dancer pointed out and let his body fall to the bed again, one leg stretched out and propped against the wall, as if he was stretching it or something. “You saw some of the dancing yesterday, right? Contemporary dance works very well with classical music! We can think about something cool, not the typical stuff where you sit there and play and I twirl around you. Are you good at playing cello?”

“I’m the best in the instrumental department.” The shake seemed decent and he took a glass, pouring the white, foamy liquid into it. It was handy to have a few things in his room, so he didn’t have to run to the kitchen and deal with the other students’ messy shit. “Here.” He handed the glass to the mess on his bed.

He got a grin and long, thin fingers wrapped around the glass. The dancer used both hands like he was worried about dropping it before sipping on the mixture with a satisfied look on his face.

“I fucking love coconut,” he remarked and smiled brightly, shaking his shoulders up and down for no reason. “So you’re the best, huh? That’s really cool! Mind showing me something you like?”

“But what’s the point in showing you? We need to come up with something, don’t we?” He glanced at the blue case standing in the corner. He could show Hyungwon something short.

“Because then I know what you can do! Isn’t it important to come up with something? What if you think I can only dance in circles, so the whole performance will be me rolling around you while you play the cello. That would suck, wouldn’t it? So come on, show me what you got, babe.” The black-haired man laughed loudly and wiggled his eyebrow while crossing his legs and watching him intently.

The lack of respect must be a thing in the contemporary dance department. Although the broad, brown-haired dancer had seemed nice, only a little confused.

Sighing, Hoseok walked towards his instrument and took it out of the case, preparing the bow and sat down on the backless chair. His concentration immediately returned, settling inside his fingertips, perceiving every single sensation and giving him a feeling of where he was and what he was doing.

He loved how heavy the instrument felt when he let it lean against his left shoulder and took the bow into his right hand. He knew that he was smiling, eyes turning into crescents as the bow touched the string for the first time. It was Bach’s Adagio. A piece that took about five or six minutes to play and that made him calm and thoughtful every time he did. It was gorgeous. 

As soon as the music filled his ears everything else stopped existing. There was only him and the beautiful melody, the hard bow in his hand, the soft tunes, the vibrations of the strings against his fingertips and the heavy weight of the cello pressing down on his shoulder, giving him orientation and making him feel like he belonged.

He could hear a gasp, but it blended into the music perfectly, just the right timbre for the lower notes and the extension of the melody. He remembered playing it for the first time, knowing every note and letting himself go, not caring about his technique and his expression when he played. His professor said he knew then. Knew that Hoseok was special.

The music made him feel so calm and confident. He didn’t care about anything else, there was only the beauty of the minor notes, the perfection, the raw emotion that seemed as if it had been pressed into the instrument and could escape by him using the bow to stroke it out of the cello. He got quieter until the final note sounded and he left the bow on the string. Hoseok didn’t want it to end, so he kept his eyes closed, enjoying the last vibrations and trying to catch the last tune fading into silence. Every time he played he remembered that he felt incomplete without it. Without his instrument.

There was no sound in the room, not even the quiet gasps that had blended into his playing and no shifting of sheets, or yelling of the neighbouring students he usually heard. There was nothing at all, peaceful silence. Again, he smiled, before opening his eyes and allowing the outside world to enter his consciousness.

“I played a five minute piece, I guess it’s enough,” he murmured and stroked over the strings absentmindedly.

When his eyes finally focused on the slim man on his bed, he couldn’t help but feel a little surprised. The dancer had his eyes closed and wasn’t really turned towards him either. Hyungwon’s head was tilted back and he rested his weight on his left arm, spine curved. His right arm was lifted in the air, slightly bent at the wrist and the elbow, with his fingers at equal distance from each other, resembling a Spanish fan. Even his legs weren’t caressly crossed anymore, instead they were arranged geometrically below him, bent at the knees with perfectly straight shins and feet, toes pointing towards him. In conclusion, Hoseok had no fucking idea what the dancer was doing.

“Hello?” he tried again and thought about putting his instrument back, but couldn’t bring himself to, still stroking the strings instead. Smiling a little, he pulled the C string, creating a low, vibrating sound.

“Huh?” Hyungwon muttered as he opened his eyes. His whole pose collapsed and he returned to his pile of limbs on Hoseok’s bed. “Hello.”

“Was that enough? Or did you space out? I won’t play it again though, I’m not a MP3 player.” Pouting, Hoseok sighed and finally let go of the fingerboard, getting up and carrying the instrument back to its case.

“No, don’t put it back!” the black-haired man exclaimed and scrambled to his feet, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s right arm to keep him from moving any further. It didn’t really help because he ended up pulling the dancer a meter towards his cello case. “Play some more, it’s calming!”

The proximity made him turn around and stare at the taller guy before he glanced down at the big hand holding onto his bicep.

“Listen, I’m not here to play you a lullaby and calm you down, okay? We need to create a performance.”

“Okay.” Hyungwon let go and simply stared at him, eyes big. “But we don’t have the music yet. Are you gonna compose something or do we choose it?”

“I- I don’t compose,” he lied and hesitated putting his cello into the case. “We can choose something, there are so many beautiful pieces. But what about you? What- I mean- how are you going to dance? I can give you a link to a YouTube video of the performance and maybe you can dance to it? I don’t know.” Hoseok chewed on his lips and fumbled with the strings again, creating a pretty sound pattern. It suited his thoughts.

“But it has to satisfy both of us! It’s not just you choosing a random piece that is pretty and I come up with movements. In contemporary we always try to say something, to show something, you know? Express the limits of the human mind and body but also their limitlessness.” Shrugging, the dancer lifted his right arm slightly above his head and turned smoothly on his left leg, eyes remaining fixed on him and head snapping to the side quickly to keep the eye contact. It was a little intimidating up close because he was smiling brightly. “Too bad you don’t compose. I always wanted to dance to something that was created for me and my body.”

_ He wants you to compose something for his body? Oh god. _

“You are creepy,” Hoseok stated and sighed. “I do make up some melodies, but I don’t do it for real, like- not like a real composer and I would never perform it. Ever. To be honest, I have no idea what you are talking about, but the turn was okay. Apart from your eyes, they’re creepy.” He had no idea what he was supposed to do. Play more? But what for?

“If you make up melodies you are a composer, aren’t you? Or what makes a real composer ‘real’? Do you have to be dead for that?” Hyungwon looked confused as he placed his arm on Hoseok’s shoulder, using him as an armrest. “That turn was nothing, I’m really flexible, but I might break your furniture with my legs. Or hurt myself. Probably more likely the second.” The dancer giggled and poked his side with his long finger for some strange reason. He yelped again because he was fucking ticklish. Why the hell did Hyungwon touch him all the time? It was unpredictable and scary. 

“No, you don’t have to be dead, but it’s a nice addition. You have to compose something proper. Anyway, I would suggest that you listen to some cello pieces or search for some proper music you like and I’ll play it for you to dance to. I have no idea what else we would do.” Hoseok closed the case and sighed. Again he felt incomplete and awkward.

“We have to think about what we want to show! For example, how do you feel right now? Can you play it?” Hyungwon asked and pointed at his cello case, eyebrow raised.

Hoseok stared at the dancer’s face for what seemed like a very long few seconds, before grabbing his instrument and sitting down, feeling the weight against his shoulder and relaxing immediately. He had to grin, but suppressed it as well as he could before playing the cello part of Bach’s gorgeously melodical ‘Lord have Mercy’. Of course the violin was missing, but it still sounded beautifully frustrated. Very similar to the way he felt. He only played half of it, ending on an especially long, devastating note and lifting the bow.

“That’s how I feel, and now please let’s come up with something, huh?” he asked and glanced at the dancer’s huge eyes until his concept of time suddenly started dissolving somewhere into the space between them.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You're touchy. Hoseok will suffer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 9th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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White walls. Hyungwon liked white walls, they looked exactly the same as his own dorm room. Even the arrangement was similar, you walk in and see a sink and a toilet to the left, barely fitting into the provided square meter. The hallway is basically a big cupboard that was supposed to help students by providing furniture and sparing them the additional trip to IKEA. Hyungwon didn’t mind going to IKEA though, they had really nice and clearly defined pathways that he enjoyed following but got upset whenever the other people walked off in the wrong direction or moved against the current.

Hoseok’s bed and desk took up most of the actual room that was at one end of the big hallway cupboard. It was also the spot at which the second room began, probably another student’s. Hyungwon was a little envious that the blonde cellist had his own bed and didn’t use the terrible one that the dorm provided. It was tiny and his legs were way too long for it, hanging over the edge. Maybe that was the reason he always rolled up while sleeping or slept on top of Hyunwoo instead.

_ But you are here for music, hypothetically.  _

The whole idea of coming up with a performance was foreign to him, because usually somebody chose the music or at least told him the genre and he came up with the choreography. The alternative was having a topic to express, but the cellist in front of him looked like he wanted to make out with his cello on stage, preferably without including him. That made collaborating a little difficult.

That was probably why he decided to move away from the language of words and use the language of music instead, asking Hoseok to show him his feelings with the cello. Hyungwon had no familiarity with the instrument, but he knew his music, so that already gave them more common ground than awkwardly asking about favourite colors and favourite music.

The blonde man was good, really good. Hoseok was the type of musician that was able to cause goosebumps and make his heart beat furiously with the emotions the music expressed.

_ He’s desperate to figure this out, isn’t he? _

He stopped watching and moved instead, eyes half lidded as he touched his right foot to the ground briefly before lifting it up high, right arm wrapping around it before he let both fall like the notes did, desperate and  frustrated. He sank to the floor when Hoseok did and attempted to reach towards the ceiling when the notes rose again, only to fall, arranged in the form of a flower at the blonde man’s feet. Hyungwon’s heart was beating quickly, but he felt calm, in control of his own body and the situation. Licking over his lips, he lifted his head and met the other man’s eyes.

Hyungwon watched Hoseok intently, kneeling on the ground with his arms intertwined and stretched out towards the cello. There was the desire to touch it and remove all the negative emotions. The last desperate notes still echoed along the walls.

It was silent for a long time, a minute, maybe two before Hoseok spoke again.

“Did you just dance to Bach's ‘Lord Have Mercy?’”

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged, legs unfolding messily and strange wobbly feeling spreading in his stomach. Maybe he was hungry, he couldn't really tell unless his insides performed a concert all on their own. “It's very emotional, I like it. I also like your cute face.”

“I'm not cute,” the blonde man commented, lips moving in a really funny way and cheeks turning pink. It was like a baby babbling that it wasn't a baby, ridiculous. “I didn't see how you danced because I was playing. So what are we going to do?”

“You're repetitive, I like that too. You can keep saying ‘what will we do?’ and I'll beat box to it while shaking my ass.” Giggling, Hyungwon did exactly that, covering his mouth with his palm while pulling out a few nice sounds while wiggling his ass. It was fun, so he rubbed his behind over the blonde man's knee briefly.

_ He's like a stone. _

“Kidding,” he added just in case Hoseok didn't get it. He preferred to announce it to avoid misunderstandings. One time he got slapped because he said big asses need spacious pants. The girl thought he had insulted her curves.

“Where are you from? You act really weird. Is it a cultural thing?” the musician asked and pushed him away from his cello. It must be important. “I really… really would like to have a plan and then we can both work on it and meet up. In a week or something.”

_ That's not how it'll work though, you two are too different. _

“Well, let's try something else,” he began and ignored the cultural question because that was just plain weird. They were both in Berlin and at the music academy, everybody acted strange, that was part of the charm. Hyungwon's favourite was the dude that went up into the treetops in front of the dorm and began to sing both male and female parts of Carmen. He was cool.

“Tell me, Hoseok, what is a perfect performance in your opinion? When are you proud of yourself, or what do you want to achieve with this?”

“A perfect performance is when my professor stops performing the piece after I performed it, because he knows that he'll never be that good.” Hoseok stared at him, right hand playing with the fingerboard and left thigh flexed, as if he was about to get up.

_ But that's not the point, is it? _

“But who cares how good your professor is?” he asked and raised an eyebrow. He really didn't get it. There was no such thing as being better than a professor, maybe one could move better or have better expressions, but all of that depended on the dance style one had and wanted to show. Hyungwon wasn't familiar with being better at somebody else's choreography. “That's not really how it works in our department. We have to choreograph a piece once we know how to dance, so it's not really about doing it better than someone else but putting your own stamp on it and expressing it to the best of your ability. I want to know what you want to show with the performance and if it's ‘I'm better’, then you better write your own piece that tops it all. Or play Tartini's Devil's Trill on cello. I don't know.”

“I can play it.” The blonde man got up and glanced at his watch, before putting his instrument back into the blue case. “My kid is coming in five minutes. I just want to show a nice performance and I've never worked with anybody but musicians, so I have no idea what the f… what you want from me.” Lifting his eyebrow, Hoseok turned to the door connecting the two rooms and stared at it for a few seconds before it opened.

_ Holy shit, he has a kid already. _

Hyungwon stared dumbly and tried to figure out how that was possible and why Hoseok wasn't all affectionate and only talked about diapers. That had been the conclusion from Hyungwon's interactions with parents so far.

“I hope you didn't scare off the dancer,” the short black-haired man he had seen before exclaimed, walking into the room and stopping right when his eyes met Hyungwon's. “Oh, hi.”

“Hi,” he answered because it was polite. He needed to do that before he could sort out the clusterfuck in his head. “Oh my God, is he your kid?” Hyungwon exclaimed and tried to figure out how that was possible. The black-haired man was short and looked young, but so did Hoseok. How could he already have a child that was Hyungwon's age? It didn't make any sense unless it was some strange sexual kink he didn't know about. “Or is it a daddy kink? Is that why you call him your kid?”

Hoseok's face didn't look as if any of his explanations made sense. The blonde man looked weird, a mixture between embarrassed and angry.

_ Did you say something wrong again? _

“I'm his friend, but one of his students is coming in a bit. Did he tell you something weird? Don't worry, just ignore it, that's how I live.” Hoseok's friend came over and stretched out his hand. “I'm Kihyun, also tell your muscular friend that he's adorable.”

_ So Hoseok is teaching somebody and Hoseok's friend likes Nunu, that makes sense. _

“We just finished with whatever this was,” the musician muttered and walked over to his desk, getting out sheet music and a thick notebook. Hyungwon nodded slowly, relieved that Hoseok's friend named Kihyun was way better at getting his point across. Smiling brightly, he wrapped an arm around Kihyun's shoulders and pulled him along to the tiny hallway that separated the rooms.

“Nunu is absolutely wonderful. You mean Nunu, right? Hoseok is saying the truth, right? That we have a project I mean, because I don't remember anything and thought he just wanted my number, but he's too affectionate with his cello for that. And it also can't be about me dancing the female part cause he didn't ask me to wear a dress or anything.”

_ But he's shy when you touch him, right? That's a positive sign probably. _

Hyungwon also wanted an inanimate friend like that, a cello couldn't misunderstand.

“Oh wow, you talk a lot, but I like the tone of your voice. It's a plus. I haven't seen Hoseok being affectionate towards anything but his cello, so don't feel sad. He's a weirdo, but he has his plus points that I can't name unless I put some serious thought into it. He really has to do the project, the director asked him personally, so he's actually pretty pressured. Did you figure something out?” Kihyun looked up because of his height. “You call him Nunu? How can a person be that perfect.”

“Huh?” Hyungwon used the confused hum to give himself more time to work through all the mentioned points, there were a few and he preferred to be thorough. “Thank you,” he said first because having a nice voice was good, the people that slept with him said the same, so it pulled a low purr from his throat, satisfied with the comment. Only loving an instrument seemed okay to Hyungwon, if there was nobody else to care about it was fine. Hoseok only needed to make sure that he was happy with it and Hyungwon doubted that after seeing all those negative facial expressions and the frustration in his music. Kihyun was apparently also a liar, saying that Hoseok had plus points but saying that he never thought about them right after. That was hypocrisy and he pursed his lips to show dissatisfaction before he could move to the next point.

_ The director asked him personally. Wow, he must be scared then. _

“Wow, Hoseok must be cool. I don't even know what our director looks like!” he exclaimed and leaned his head on Kihyun's shoulder, bending his knees a little to make it more comfortable. He neglected to mention that he didn't know only because he never really looked at anybody properly. He hoped to recognize Kihyun and Hoseok the next time they met.

Kihyun smiled and pinched his side, making him yelp and giggle.

“I don't think Hoseok would care if it wasn't his dad. But yeah, he's a prodigy, he started playing when he was four or something, I can't even remember what the fuck I did when I was four. I hope you'll create something nice. Maybe you can persuade him to compose a piece or use the stuff he already has, but he never does, so I guess you'll have to go with some classics.”

_ It's his dad and still he doesn't compose? Why? _

“No,” Hyungwon replied because he didn't want to go with a classic. It was a collaboration, so Hoseok had to put something into it and Hyungwon had to put something into it, like a stew with only two ingredients. “I want him to compose so that both of us can put ourselves into it. We just need to choose a theme, but Hoseok isn't really thinking in that direction. Also, I know what I did when I was four! I stacked bricks by myself for hours and hit my head against the wall when they fell apart. When I was done with that I attempted to do the splits because a woman in a pretty dress did it on TV.”

“Oh god, you're hilarious. But yeah, I think it will be hard.” Sighing, the shorter man opened the door for a kid that stared at them both for a few moments before slipping inside with his huge cello case. Stone was hard, but Hoseok wasn't a stone. They only needed to find and combine the things that were special about them. 

Hyungwon didn't really pay attention to the boy and attempted to push Kihyun towards the guy's room, throwing them on the small bed. His shoes were still in Hoseok's room anyway. He didn't want to leave just yet.

“Who do you actually think is perfect? Me or Nunu?”

“Nunu. You're handsome, I told Hoseok yesterday, but Nunu is more my thing.” Smiling confidently, Kihyun gestured with his hands showing something that must've been the broadness of Hyunwoo's shoulders.

Giggling, he nodded and pressed a kiss to Kihyun's cheek. The black-haired man must have shaved recently so it was smooth. Hyungwon let his index finger run over it to make sure.

“Nunu is lovely and my saviour. You might see him around soon,” he remarked and wrapped his other arm around Hoseok's friend. He could have slept like that. Maybe he was tired of communication and needed a hug and a few hours of nothing.

“You're touchy. Hoseok will suffer,” the black-haired man remarked and chuckled.

“Mmh, he got all scared when I rubbed my hand over his thigh,” he mumbled and rubbed his nose over Kihyun's shirt. He had nice cologne, it smelled like the stuff that Hyungwon enjoyed at the sauna. He suddenly felt the urge to lick over the other man's ear, but didn't do it, because it was probably too much. Hyungwon had some decency. “You smell like that fancy stuff at the sauna, makes me want to swim in you.”

“Uhm, you're hot but I'd rather have your friend swim in me,” Kihyun commented and pushed him a little.

_ You're not at home, Hyungwon, don't space out too much. _

“You mean fuck you, right?” he asked to make sure and wrapped his leg around the smaller man. It was comfy. Hyungwon had actually meant that he wanted to sleep in the scent, not necessarily with Kihyun. He'd only be up for a blowjob because he wouldn't have to do anything and could space out in peace. “He's not really one to go after people and he's cute.”

_ You can't leave without your shoes anyway, not without hurting your feet and you need them to dance. _

“Yeah. I dig him. He's just my type. I see you're chill about not being my type, but don't do this with Hoseok, he'll freak the fuck out. He gets mental breakdowns when I run around naked after the shower,” the other man's low voice murmured. Kihyun sounded tired. Hyungwon was good at helping people when they were tired, he could make them fall asleep in a matter of seconds, it was a talent.

“Why would he freak out? He's cute and pretty too, like Nunu,” Hyungwon replied and shifted to pull Kihyun's head towards the crook of his neck, arranging it there to be able to rake through his hair. He liked to do it with Hyunwoo too, watching him fall asleep. “Let me help you relax, it's nicer like this.”

“It's my first time cuddling with a complete stranger, but no risk no fun,” was Kihyun's reply as the black-haired man spaced out. It was perfect because Hyungwon was able to calm himself down, performing the same motion with his hands, over and over again. Kihyun's hair felt soft, freshly washed and he smelled it briefly before continuing the caresses and closing his eyes. It didn't matter who it was as long as the person was nice and enjoyed the touches, that's what Hyungwon had learned. A little bit should be enough to recover and become social again.

Just a little bit.

 

***

 

The kid got a little better, it was evident with how confident he suddenly seemed and how effortless his play was. For the first twenty seconds that is, before it went to shit. Oh well. Being a teacher for four years, Hoseok had seen all kinds of things, so he wasn’t very surprised. After praising and criticizing, he sent the boy home and made notes before going to the toilet and taking care of his business. On his way out he realized that something was off.

_ The shoes. _

Hyungwon’s black Chucks were lying in his hallway, at least one meter apart from each other, reminding him of the fact that the dancer had disappeared somewhere with Kihyun and never came back. Sighing, he took the shoes between his thumb and index finger and went over to his best friend’s room. Knocking once out of courtesy, he opened the door and glanced around, eyes finally settling on the french bed.

_ Holy shit. _

The sight was unusual to say the least as the dancer’s slim body was wrapped around his friend like a serpent that was about to swallow his prey, choking it to death before consumption. Hyungwon's arms were wrapped around Kihyun's neck and chest, and his legs intertwined with his friend's shorter ones. The blanket was crumpled at their feet, but they were dressed.

_ What the fuck. _

Swallowing once, he watched both men for a few moments before simply dumping Hyungwon’s shoes on the ground and walking out. As soon as he entered his own room and closed the door, he dared to exhale. Were they close? He knew that Kihyun preferred men, but did Hyungwon like…?

_ Oh god. _

Suddenly everything made sense, the way the dancer had held his hand and told him that he was cute, winking and doing all kinds of weird things that had no purpose. But why did Hyungwon do all that, if he was actually interested in Kihyun? And wasn’t Kihyun interested in the cognitively impaired dancer? It was all too much.

Suddenly the picture materialized in his mind. Shaking his head, he tried to get rid of it, but it didn’t help. Hoseok instinctively walked over to the blue case, taking out the instrument and sitting down, eyes closed. There was no specific piece he wanted to play, so he improvised, not giving a shit about neighbors and both men sleeping in a highly intimate position in the room next door.

The music contained his thoughts, how messy they were. The thought fragments were just like the chords, showing confusion, embarrassment, anger, frustration, shyness, everything at once, jumping from one note to the next, bow tickling his mood out of the instrument and working with it, embedding it into the melody that streamed from his movements. A low chord was followed by his groan and he removed the bow, opening his eyes at once and feeling angry because he had met the dancer to create something but instead he had wasted his time, played the cello for nothing and had to watch him almost make out with his best friend. Hoseok hated it.

Suddenly he felt hot hands on his shoulders, squeezing with just enough pressure as he felt an exhale behind him.

“Just like that,” a low voice that he had heard talk before murmured behind him, fascination evident. “You improvised, didn't you? You wanted to tell me how much you hate everything and to finally wake up and disappear, right? I understand you when you speak to me like that, Hoseok.”

He turned around as if burned and stared up, gaze intense and emotions all over the place. What was he talking about? That he understood him when he was playing? So what?

“I didn’t speak to you. I spoke to myself,” he replied and felt the warmth of the big hands that still touched his shoulders. The knowledge sent a shiver down his spine and he shuddered.

“Then why did you do it loud enough for me to hear?” Hyungwon asked like he was genuinely confused.

“Because I’m inconsiderate. Ask Kihyun, you’re close enough to make out or whatever you did. He probably told you that I don’t have any common sense and that I’m weird and that you’ll suffer working on this with me. That’s why I said to do it separately, so you don’t have to suffer and I don’t have to suffer either, why is it so hard?” He wanted to get up and leave, but the weight of his cello pressed against his shoulder and he picked up the bow instead and closed his eyes.

“I don't think you're weird,” the black-haired man commented and shrugged, shaking him a little with the motion. “You're cute to me and as long as you express yourself like this we'll be able to do amazing things. Also, we didn't make out, were you worried?”

“No, I don’t care. I don’t express myself to others like this, it's just for me.” Inhaling sharply, he slid the bow over the strings, left hand playing with the fingerboard and making the strings vibrate under his fingertips, enjoying the melody they created. It was so much easier than talking. 

This time he took the Adagio and played his own interpretation, not the precise tunes and chords, not the exact length and timing, just the way he felt. When he felt that a C should be long, he let the bow slide over the string longer. More than once, when he was a child, he had told his mother that he didn’t want to speak, he only wanted to play. It hadn’t changed much. Playing an instrument was so much more than words could ever convey, music was different, dynamic, alive, soft and it gave everyone the opportunity to feel whatever they wanted and needed to feel in that moment. Without any force, just like this. Smiling, he finished, feeling way calmer despite the warm hands on his shoulders.

“Maybe I should say that we won’t do it,” Hoseok said and let his hand sink down, touching the floor with the bow. It was no use, if they weren’t compatible and he could understand if someone didn’t want to work with him. It was usually because he was way better and others didn’t want to be compared.

“Why? Isn't this only the beginning? I'm not one to give up after saying yes,” the black-haired man replied and only now did Hoseok realise that his hands had moved, carefully stroking along his arms instead, like they had traveled with the music. “Can't you keep playing what you feel, no matter if it's connected to me or not?”

“And then? I’ll play my feelings and you’ll stroke my arms? I don’t think it will be a good performance. Nothing against you stroking arms, but maybe you can do it with Kihyun, he might appreciate it more than me.” Hoseok got up and walked over to the blue case, packing his cello inside and smiling at the feeling of the curved wood against his hands. He really liked it.

“I'm envious,” Hyungwon commented behind him and pouted a little, lips becoming even plumper. “It must be amazing to have something that you love that much. It's really beautiful. I don't want you to play somebody else's work, I want it to be ours. Don't you have something that you want to tell the world, to express? What do you want to say when you grab the instrument?”

“I don’t have anything to say. I have the instrument because without it I’m not complete. That’s the only reason. I’m sorry, there are no complex, interesting artistic expressions behind it, or some genius thoughts. I play cello, therefore I am. That’s it.” Closing the case, Hoseok pointed at Kihyun’s room. “I put your shoes in there.”

Instead of being disappointed or discouraged as he had expected, the dancer smiled brightly and moved closer, long arms wrapping around his neck inexplicably before he felt a flat chest press against his.

_ Oh god, run. _

“But that's wonderful!” Hyungwon exclaimed and exhaled into his neck, smile evident against his skin. “Isn't it amazing to know what you are, to have something that defines you? I wish I had something like that. You love it, Hoseok, you love the instrument and that's fucking beautiful. You're always showing something then when you touch it.”

His body froze and he held his breath. He tried to escape, to step back but touched the wall instead. Pushing the dancer away wasn’t a good choice because he needed to grab his waist, or hips, so he simply stood in place like a tree and curled his hands into fists, not breathing and waiting for it to be over.

“Are you feeling bad, Hoseok?” Hyungwon whispered and grabbed his cheeks instead of curling his arms around his neck, thumbs rubbing over his skin a little. “I was only telling you how beautiful it is that you love your cello. We could try to make a performance like that.”

_ Does he need to touch you to talk? _

“You- do you always touch other people like this?” he pressed out and stared at the black-haired man, eyes wide and adrenaline rushing through his veins because it was completely unpredictable. Hyungwon was. “I love my cello. Yes. I don’t understand how this is a performance.”

“Touching people calms me down, it feels like they won't be angry and avoid me,” the dancer replied, surprisingly truthful and emotional as his expression changed a little. “I meant that you could show how much you love the cello, how you can make it play, show your emotions while at the same time expressing itself through you, like a butterfly that finally leaves the cocoon. You'll show how much you love the cello and I will try to become the cello.”

Hyungwon smiled and stroked over his hair once, removing a blonde strand from his forehead. The other man didn't step away and remained close, chests touching. It was too close. Way too close.

“I’m not used to being touched. It freaks me out,” he whispered and tried to hold his breath in the hope his heart would stop beating furiously. “You want to become the cello? Why? It sounds beautiful, it does, but I don’t know how to do that besides playing some really complex piece and showing that the instrument and I are one.” If the wall was soft he would have already disappeared with how he pressed his body against it.

Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon stepped back, watching him intently with his big eyes.

“Is this better?” he asked but looked more uncomfortable than a moment ago. “I'm sorry, I'm probably like this because I haven't been home for a long time, my energy is running low, but I want to solve this before leaving.”

Reaching for his hand, the dancer intertwined their fingers in compensation for the embrace. Hoseok squeezed the other man’s palm, gasping in shock. He had never held hands before and the adrenaline didn’t help.

“Can't you create your own piece, Hoseok, something that only you can play because you created it? As complex and beautiful as you want it to be? You will play and I shall be your second cello.”

_ But you never play your compositions. Never. _

“I can create it, but I don’t know if I can show it. Also you talking about being my second cello is a little too… intimate,” he murmured and looked to the side, trying to ignore the fact that he was holding hands with a stranger while trying to get swallowed by a wall.

“Why?” Hyungwon asked before sliding his delicate hand up his pale forearm, wrapping around it carefully until the black-haired dancer turned around and straightened his body as it slowly slid forward on the ground, one leg perfectly straight while the other was bent at the knee and angled to the side. Pulling Hoseok's arm across his waist, Hyungwon grabbed his other hand and wrapped it around his wrists while still holding on to it, reaching upwards. Only when the black-haired man threw his head back and redistributed his weight so that it mostly rested on his shoulder and the single, perfectly straight foot, did he realise that the dancer turned into a cello, heavy on his shoulder with the strings at his waist and the fingerboard at his wrists.

Hoseok had no idea what to do, the proximity killed him and he wanted to slip back, but there was only the wall and his shaky hands around the dancer’s body. There was also the knowledge that he had to move them to escape, but his limbs seemed like frozen.

“My cello doesn’t move,” he whispered, completely overwhelmed. “And it isn’t warm.”

“I'm perfectly still now,” Hyungwon whispered and followed his own words, muscles remaining flexed and holding him in place, resting on the tips of his toes like a cello on its end pin. He was crazy. Hyungwon was. And Hoseok was.

Exhaling sharply and intimidated by the chaos in his mind, Hoseok finally found the strength to curl both hands around the dancer’s waist and turn him around, increasing the distance. Breathing loudly, he stared without saying a word.

Hyungwon turned smoothly and only when Hoseok exhaled did the dancer allow himself to redistribute his weight, slowly adding his second leg to the ground, still on tiptoe until he finally stood straight in front of him, lips parted in a soft breath.

“Will you let me become your second cello, Hoseok?”

“I have no idea what you want from me but it’s scary,” he whispered back.

“I want you to lead me while I dance just like you lead the cello,” the black-haired man replied and raised his right arm in a delicate gesture until Hoseok was able to recognize the scroll of a cello with two fingers symbolizing the pegs.

“You mean the music, right? You want me to play, so you can dance?” Licking over his lips, he removed both hands from the dancer’s body and asked himself when Kihyun would finally come and save him.

There was a slight nod as Hyungwon reached for his hand again, curling it around his own waist as he handed more and more of his weight over to him.

“Are you able to hold me, Hoseok?” the dancer asked, resting on him like a cello until he gracefully reclined backwards beyond his centre of balance and lifted his arm far back, creating a semicircle with his body, only held up by Hoseok's grip. He had no other choice but to hold on to the slim dancer, fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt. It felt so intense, he had never been this close to anybody before and was scared that Hyungwon could feel his fast heartbeat due to their proximity.

_ What are you doing, Hoseok? _

“I am. But why do you want me to hold you?”

“Because you will have to when I become your cello,” Hyungwon replied and cupped his face with his free hand before lifting back up and fixing his black hair. Even when he was dressed formally in suit pants and a white shirt that was wrinkled from sleeping in it the dancer was able to move smoothly, like he wasn't constricted by anything. “I am really tired and might curl up on your floor, Hoseok, so I propose that you think about how to express your love for your cello while I try to think about how to become that cello.” There was a bright smile on Hyungwon's face, but he didn't seem to be looking at him, eyes unfocused.

“Okay,” he whispered and glanced towards the room where Kihyun was supposed to be. It was going in a dangerous direction and he knew it.

_ Because nothing can compare to your cello. _

 

***

 

It was blazing hot when Hyungwon finally opened his eyes and glanced around, recognizing his dorm room with its pearl white tapestry and black furniture. When he had bought a black desk, he had doomed the rest of the provided furnishings. Everything had to be black, so he bought a new desk, a new chair, a new cupboard and a new bookshelf in the end. Even the carpet had to be replaced and at least have some black and white pattern to compensate for the white walls too. It was important that everything fit.

Blinking a few times, he finally focused on the muscular shoulder and the thick arm that was draped over his chest and held him in place, immobile in his best friend’s hold. It was nice, so he stayed there for a little longer. Hyunwoo must have joined him when he came home after practise. It was probably late evening, too early to sleep until the next day and too late to do something productive. To be honest, it was the time where he only performed vague motions in the middle of his room and possibly had a masturbation fest before sleeping, depending on whether Nunu planned on staying overnight.

“Nunu?” he grumbled because he kinda needed his friend to shift a little to be able to stand up and he had enough decency to not wiggle stupidly or attempt to masturbate while another person was lying on top of him.

His friend shifted a little and lifted his head, messy hair sticking up in all directions and eyes difficult to find from how swollen Hyunwoo’s face was. It made Hyungwon giggle from the overflow of adorable.

“You’re lovable,” he sang, sounding like a broken CD player and way too rough to be anywhere close to the soft original. His friend lifted his arm, freeing him from his hug prison and sat up, blinking a few times.

“Do we have food?” he asked and looked around, eyes settling on a few packages of snacks on Hyungwon’s night table. His friend was quick to rip them open and throw them into his mouth. “You must have really tired yourself out, I was worried that you were dead when I got home.”

_ That’s because you stayed somewhere else, hugged Hoseok’s friend to sleep and pretended to be a cello afterwards, attempting to explain yourself throughout. _

Hyungwon hated figuring out what he was thinking, it was tiring. Whenever somebody asked ‘what are you thinking?’ or ‘how do you feel?’ he wanted to perform a somersault off a bridge, beautiful but final.

“I fell asleep in the bed of Kihyun, Hoseok’s friend, the singer,” Hyungwon elaborated and yawned while stretching out his limbs.

“Oh, did he like you? Maybe I shouldn’t give him the chicken snacks then,” Nunu remarked, visibly discouraged. Hyungwon immediately wanted to stroke over his head and tell him that Kihyun was super interested, but his brother always told him that it ruined ‘the flow of things’ whatever that was. So he remained quiet and shook his head quickly. When Hyunwoo asked, he was going to speak the truth. He couldn’t lie anyway.

“You should totally give him the chicken snacks, we only cuddled because I needed a break and he was nice enough to let me hug him. He’s really friendly, you’ll like him I think. He said I’m funny, so he must be a good person.” Hyungwon jumped up from the bed and stretched a few more times before removing his underwear because he hated clothes and making his way towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. As usual Hyunwoo didn’t react, he was used to it and merely thought about his next words.

“I see him in the library in the evenings, studying for a test. If I happened to go there, would you go with me?” his friend asked and peeked into the bathroom, eyes a little bigger than usual. Hyungwon really loved Hyunwoo’s non-judgemental self. When he liked somebody he just did, it didn’t really matter who or what they were. There was a label for it, but Hyungwon only cared about labels for himself. He hadn’t found a nice one that fit yet.

“Sure, you want me to come along? I slept, so I am feeling better, maybe after dancing to Shakira's 'Whenever' I'll be good,” he answered before grabbing his toothbrush and brushing furiously. He had a routine, so he followed it religiously until he spat the mixture into the sink and wiped over his mouth with a fluffy towel, also black because it had to fit. If only the showers weren’t outside the dorm rooms, he’d have less people screaming because he walked through the hallway naked, mostly.

Nunu hadn’t spoken to him throughout and only turned on Shakira before performing a few smooth back curls and hip waves to the chorus while Hyungwon shook his head to the music. Giggling, he lifted his hands in the air and waved them around while bending his knees and basically moving up and down to the music, performing what he loved to call the ‘seaweed dance’. Hyungwon continued dancing through the room as he picked out a nice pair of red suit pants and a black shirt. It looked hot and red was his favourite color, he looked good in it. Next, he styled his hair and added a bit of black to the corners of his eyes and a tiny bit of concealer to pretend that he slept more.

“I look like a potato chip in comparison,” Nunu remarked and chuckled before placing said potato chip into his mouth. Hyungwon couldn’t really tell whether he meant it or not, so he shuffled over and added a bit of concealer to make his friend look healthy too. 

“Voila,” he commented and slipped into his pair of black leather shoes, perfect for the occasion.

“I can’t believe you dress like that when we are only going to the library to hand somebody a package of chicken snacks. I don’t even know if he’s there or if he’ll like them.”

“He’ll love them, he had an empty package in his garbage, I saw.”

That visibly cheered his friend up as he packed two instead of one and nodded briefly. “Extra supplies,” he explained and slipped into his own comfy sneakers. Hyunwoo had the talent of looking fabulous in a pair of worn jeans and a simple shirt. It was an art that Hyungwon hadn’t mastered yet.

“Do you think I can become a cello?” he asked once they were outside and received a few judgemental looks from fellow students that hadn’t gotten used to their eclectic attire yet. Hyungwon wasn’t sure if they were judgemental, but people were mostly judgemental or sexually interested when they stared and with some people he really couldn’t differentiate those two states. Hoseok was equally confusing and only his heartbeat had given Hyungwon a hint, but apparently the hint hadn’t reached Hoseok’s brain.

_ Or you’re wrong. _

“A cello?” Nunu asked and thought about that, hand lifted up similarly to the way Hyungwon had portrayed the funny snail like thing on top of a cello with the stick things poking out of it.

“Yeah! That’s how I did it too, I’m thinking about how to dance like a cello, be played by a bow and move accordingly,” he elaborated and got pretty excited thinking about it. He really wanted to try and be like the cello that Hoseok played, movements controlled by the blonde man's motions.

“You’re pretty good at being controlled,” his friend snickered and pushed his shoulder, catapulting him to the side. The push was strong enough to throw him right against another person, slim body meeting a firm chest like a pancake a pan.

Had it been a movie, Hyungwon would have been able to use his fabulous dance skills and turn the whole thing into a graceful fall, one muscular arm holding his waist beautifully as eyes met and love happened. Or whatever it was that happened to people that looked each other in the eyes.

But it wasn't a movie, so Hyungwon lost balance immediately and failed to hold on to anything proper, grabbing the poor, unsuspecting dude's shirt and ripping the buttons off, one by one. In Hyungwon's defense the poor things had already put up a pretty good fight to stay together on that chest. He had only freed them from their suffering, released them into the dirty but open-minded streets of Berlin.

In the next second he was grabbed by his popped collar and lifted up to his feet. Hyungwon recognized the curved lips that parted in an exhale before looking up at Hoseok's face and seeing an expression he couldn't read.

“Why? Why, Hyungwon? What have I done for you to be like this? I have an exam in fifteen minutes, but I look as if I'm going to strip instead of play the cello,” the low voice hissed while the blonde man looked down on himself and examined his exposed, muscular chest, furiously trying to hide his pale skin.

“Take his,” Hyungwon replied almost automatically and pointed at his friend who was wearing a simple t-shirt. His long fingers were shaking and he was barely aware of his surroundings, too shocked by the sudden change in situation. He hadn't been prepared to meet Hoseok, not at all and he didn't know how to solve the other man's problem either, not really.

Nunu was much faster at being sensible.

“He's right, you can take mine or if you like I can run to the dorm for you and get you another from your room. I'm really fast.”

_ Running, you're good at that. _

“I can do it,” Hyungwon muttered and really wanted Hoseok to let go of him so he could disappear quickly.

“No, fuck, just stay the fuck away,” Hoseok exclaimed, facial expression between angry and devastated. Groaning loudly, the blonde man turned around and walked away quickly, not looking back.

Hyungwon felt lost, not staring at anything and struggling to get his own feelings in check. He felt terrible, body shaking and face burning like someone had attacked him with a flamethrower. It didn't take long for wetness to develop in his eyes and run down his cheeks with the force of a waterfall as he wailed loudly. His eyes barely focused but he still patted his palms along the ground to look for the buttons that had fallen off. He found one, squishing it in his palm as it dug into his skin. He couldn't really feel it though.

Warm arms wrapped around him and pulled him off the ground, squeezing him tightly.

“He didn't mean that,” Hyunwoo murmured and made sure that Hyungwon couldn't move, it was necessary to make it better, to stop feeling like he’d lost his grip on the situation.

“He did,” Hyungwon whispered back as the tears continued running down his face. “I'm not stupid, Nunu, I could see it. He meant every single word when he said it.”

“Maybe he did in that moment, but I'm sure he'll feel bad about it as soon as he calms down.”

Hyungwon didn't know about that, he only knew that he felt terrible and wanted it to stop. Hyunwoo kept squeezing him and telling him that it would be okay, whatever it was until his friend must have decided that it was enough and threw him over his shoulder, carrying him somewhere.

“I look terrible,” Hyungwon murmured as he kept crying and shaking with sobs.

“No, you don't. You only have to rub over your eyes once and eat a chicken snack. We wanted to talk to Hoseok's friend, remember?” Hyunwoo was good at getting him back on track and reminding him where he had to go. It was important and helped him to calm down. Hyungwon was so glad that his best friend just acted when he needed help, taking care of him almost automatically.

As soon as they arrived at the library, Nunu let him down and pointed at one of the tables where he could see a black-haired guy wearing huge headphones and scribbling something. Hyungwon felt a little better upon seeing Kihyun and pointed at his face, waiting for his friend to fix his makeup.

I'll try not to stab you in the eye, they are big and hard to miss,” Hyunwoo remarked as he rubbed his eye liner in place and stroked over his hair once.

“You'll stay single forever because of me, I'm sorry.” Hyungwon sighed and hoped that his senses would return to him soon, he really needed them to live.

_ People always think that he's yours. _

Nunu was shy, so he took the initiative and walked over to Hoseok's friend, tapping his shoulder. They hadn't really talked after falling asleep together.

_ It's always obvious when you cried. _

Kihyun turned around, looking as if he was ready to kill, but his face softened as soon as he had recognized him. The black-haired man took off his headphones and smiled, rubbing over his arm in the process.

“Hey, what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in the library before, are you okay?” Hoseok’s friend shifted his gaze until he saw Nunu and his facial expressions slid into nirvana. “Nunu, you’re here too!”

Hyungwon chuckled because Kihyun had shamelessly adopted his nickname, but it was fine, it fit Hyunwoo somehow. He was broad and muscular, but he wouldn't hurt a single fly.

_ Unlike Hoseok, he can hurt a lot. _

“We were looking for you, but then I stumbled and ripped Hoseok's shirt and he said that I should stay the fuck away from him and I cried in the end. Now we are here.” Hyungwon bit his bottom lip again because the thought hurt and fumbled with his shirt. Hoseok hadn't even accepted his attempts to solve the problem. The memory immediately made him want to cry again, he was really bad with rejection.

“Oh.” Kihyun’s eyes widened and he started chewing on his cheek. “Hoseok sucks at holding his emotions in place when something unexpected happens. Did he see you cry and walk away? Wow. I didn’t think he would be that angry.” Suddenly the black-haired man opened his mouth and stared at him. “It’s his exam, oh god, it makes sense.”

“Yes, I ruined his shirt before the exam, but I even offered to exchange it and look!” Hyungwon stretched out his palm that still harboured the button he collected from the ground. A few seconds passed before Nunu smiled and added a bunch of others. “I collected the buttons,” he whispered.

“You can give him the buttons later,” Hyunwoo commented and squeezed his shoulder.

“That’s the shirt he bought for his first concert performance. I hope he’s okay,” Kihyun murmured and opened his hand, waiting for Hyungwon to give him the buttons. “I’ll give them to him. Don’t take it too seriously. He’s just… not the easiest person to deal with.”

“I- I can fix it for him, I promise,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed another wave of tears. “I just don't want him to hate me. Please. I'm really not that bad.”

“I like you.” Hoseok’s friend smiled at him before turning to Nunu and winking at him. “And your friend here too. But Hoseok can be really mean, so I guess it’s better that I give it to him.”

“Okay,” he whispered and pulled at Nunu's t-shirt. His friend got the hint and took out the chicken snacks, handing them to Kihyun.

“You forgot them last time and Hyungwon said you don't have any left,” the broad man commented with a bright smile.

“Oh my god, you’re the best. I even dreamt about them. Let’s celebrate, I’ll buy you a coffee!” Kihyun exclaimed before returning his gaze to his notes. “After I’m done with this opera. Would you give me half an hour? Nunu?”

“Of course, I'll wait and buy Hyungwon something nice in the meantime. Please be productive and we'll talk to you later.” Hyunwoo was so awkward, it was adorable, so Hyungwon pinched his cheek and giggled, pulling him along.

He felt a lot better already. Maybe Hoseok felt really terrible because of the shirt, like that one time when a dog had eaten Hyungwon's favourite shoe.

_ It'll be fine, Hyungwon, he probably doesn't hate you. _

 

***

Hoseok felt completely devastated. Even after rocking his exam and returning to his dorm room. His favorite shirt was ruined and lay in the bin while he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye and kept glancing at the light blue fabric, remembering how he wore it, to which occasions and what memories he had to bury because there was nothing left that could remind him of them anymore.

_ It’s over. _

The sight was too painful, so he grabbed the plastic bag, tied it up and ran down to the dumpster to throw it away for good. He wanted to cry, but he returned to his quiet room and took out his cello instead, improvising something entirely devastating and making him feel even worse. It was late already and Kihyun still hadn’t come back. He felt lonely and abandoned, without his favorite shirt, his friend, and he had a headache. Why did he have to run into the dancer on his way? Why couldn’t he say no when his dad asked him things?

_ Because you want to impress. _

Sighing, he placed his head on top of his desk and listened to the scratching noise his fingers created. They were incredibly loud when he put his ear against the wooden surface and it helped him to turn off his thoughts. Listening to the noise, he hadn’t realized that Kihyun returned, loud voice ripping him out of his meditation.

“I’m back. I got you earplugs, so you can finally go have a drink with me without wanting to kill me,” his friend exclaimed and curled his fingers around his shoulders, shaking him a little. It reminded him of the way the dancer touched him and he shivered.

“Don’t touch me. Why can’t you people keep your hands to yourself?” he asked and leaned forward to escape Kihyun’s hands. “I don’t want to go to the club. I want to stay at home and be sad while knowing that you’re also here, but not talk to you. You know? It’s enough to know that you’re behind the door to not feel abandoned.” Facing the black-haired man’s face, he tried to smile, but didn’t feel like it at all. “I’m in a shitty mood. I want to curl up and try not to cry because crying is embarrassing.”

“You. You are embarrassing, Hoseok. Just cry if you’re sad, god. Get fucking dressed and come along, enough is enough, you have to see something besides your cello, it’s getting to your head. No button downs, a white t-shirt and ripped jeans. The end. You have ten minutes.” Kihyun slammed the door shut and he heard shuffling in the other man’s room.

_ You can’t say no without fighting, right? _

Exhaling sharply, he hit his head against his desk once and got up, wearing exactly what Kihyun had told him to. He didn’t like the deep cut of the white shirt, but it was his only t-shirt and a present from Kihyun.

_ He told you to wear it on purpose, didn’t he? _

He narrowed his gaze, looking at himself in the mirror and looking like one of Kihyun’s other friends. Those without any fashion sense. The rips on his thighs also showed too much skin, so he let the jeans slip lower on his hips to make the cuts appear smaller than they were.

“Finally you look like a human, who would’ve thought?” His best friend winked at him for no reason and gave him the earplugs. There was no way that he would’ve gone somewhere crowded without them.

“You look like an average homeless person,” Hoseok muttered and grabbed his bag, quickly moving towards the exit to not get hit.

_

 

The music was so loud that he had to press the earplugs all the way into his cochlea. At least it felt like it. The nice thing was, that he didn’t have to talk because he couldn’t really hear anything, pointing at his ears and shaking his head. Perfect. The only thing that he didn’t like was that it was crowded, bodies brushing against each other and people dancing around without paying any attention to him and whether he wanted to dance or not.

_ They have no manners. _

Kihyun was dancing his ridiculous confidence dance, attracting women and a few guys who winked at him. Hoseok didn’t understand how someone like his best friend could be popular. It was a mystery.

Drinking his Alexander cocktail, he watched the people on the dancefloor while trying to add notes to the pointless beats that aggressively tried to enter his auditory canal. His fingers curled around the glass and he imagined it to be the fingerboard, pressing down on it as if it was a string.

A glance at the crowd and his eyes settled on a slim person. A man who had his right hand lifted in the form of a scroll, mimicking a cello.

_ Hyungwon. _

Hoseok immediately recognized the dancer, his emotions turned into a giant mess and he stared, unable to look away, fingers pressing down on the neck of the cocktail glass. He was scared he’d break it.

The other man moved smoothly, but also differently, each bass note vibrating in a gesture or a sway of his hips. Hyungwon knew exactly what he was doing, how his body moved in space, what he needed to bring the music to life and allow it to flow through him. His head was thrown back and his eyes closed, a smile playing around the corners of his mouth like he enjoyed the state of floating, of taking over the music, but allowing it to control him at the same time. Hoseok didn’t want to look. He didn’t. Especially after what happened in the afternoon, but his eyes still followed each movement, music muffled in his ears and making the dance moves seem more intense. Hyungwon didn’t see him, eyes closed and body moving to the beat like a string that knew exactly how to swing. It was nice because he could watch without having to think about interaction as he didn’t want any. He only wanted to observe the movements and add tunes to the way the other man danced.

Suddenly there were hands around the other man's waist that disrupted the motion, stopping it prematurely. Hyungwon's eyes opened and he turned around to smile at somebody Hoseok didn't know, whispering something in their ear and shaking his head. It looked like a rejection but he couldn't really tell. The other guy asked the dancer something which evoked another bright smile and a glance in Hoseok's direction. Only a few seconds were necessary for Hyungwon to recognize him and shake his head at the stranger again, as if he was rejecting him because of Hoseok. Another smile, a smooth turn through the crowd and Hyungwon was already standing right in front of him, reaching for Hoseok's palm which he squeezed.

_ Oh no. _

He didn’t say anything and only stared, unsure what he was supposed to do and hoped that Hyungwon would go back by himself. Unfortunately he didn't.

“I'm so sorry!” the taller man yelled, but Hoseok was only able to read his lips as Hyungwon sank to the ground and wrapped his arms around his right leg instead, holding on tightly.

_ What the hell? _

He shook his leg a little, hoping that the dancer would let go, but it didn’t happen. Hoseok looked around, spotting a few people who watched them curiously and exhaled, wrapping his fingers around Hyungwon’s shoulders and pulling him up.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he hissed and it sounded very loud in his ears but he couldn’t be sure that the tall man heard him.

“I'm apologising,” Hyungwon yelled back and wrapped his arms around his neck this time, voice louder in his ears as he continued. “I'm sorry, I really am, please don't hate me.”

“Why do you care? Just go back.” Hoseok removed his hands and curled them around the edge of his barstool instead, holding on for dear life while the black-haired dancer with no idea of personal space stepped between his legs, removing the last bit of distance that he needed to think clearly.

_ Just push him away, it can’t be hard. _

“Because I like you and I don't want to make mistakes that you hate me for. I can fix your shirt, I promise, I even found the last two buttons on the way home!” Hyungwon just talked without a break and kept holding onto him, hot breaths ticking his neck.

“Don’t bother, I threw it away,” he whispered, not caring whether Hyungwon heard him or not. “I don’t want you to like me. I’m not even sure whether I want to do the performance. Maybe I should learn to say no. Just- let’s just continue with our lives, mmh?” He attempted to lean back, but there was no space, back rubbing against the edge of the bar counter painfully.

“Is it because of me?” Hyungwon asked and Hoseok felt something wet on his neck, soaking his shirt slowly. The other man's voice was filtered and he couldn't tell the dancer's emotions at all. Only when Hyungwon leaned back, did he understand as the black-haired man was crying, bottom lip trembling. “Do you hate me that much?”

His breath hitched and he would’ve replied with a yes, had Hyungwon not been crying.

“Fuck, don’t cry! Why would you cry? Oh god, stop,” Hoseok murmured, trying to come up with anything effective to stop Hyungwon’s tears. He hated to see other people cry. It made him feel helpless. Lifting one hand, he bit down on his bottom lip and stroked over the dancer’s hair, making sure that he wasn’t too rough. “This is so fucking weird, oh my god.”

The black-haired man sobbed and placed his palm on top of Hoseok's, inhaling sharply in an attempt to stop crying. It was strange but the touch seemed to help the dancer, calming his breaths and reducing the flow of tears.

“I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to wreck it, I'll repair it, I promise. Please don't hate me, I'll be good from now on. I'll do my best, I promise,” Hyungwon babbled and tightened his grip around Hoseok's neck, slim chest shaking against his own.

The loud, weird music and their proximity drove him insane, so he pushed Hyungwon away and pointed at the exit, mouthing ‘let’s talk outside’ and walking towards the door. He never met anyone who cried and begged to not be hated. It was insane. Hyungwon was insane. There were quite some curious glances and he knew that people must’ve recognized him. He was the number one choice for the school advertisement campaigns. Hoseok and his cello. He missed his cello.

As soon as he walked out and the music faded, he took out his earplugs and inhaled sharply, throwing himself against the wall, back hitting the cold surface and forcing the air out of his lungs. He was losing it, it was too much and he had no experience in dealing with situations like this.

“I'm sorry,” Hyungwon said again, a whisper this time as he stepped a little closer and drew circles on the wall with his index finger. “Now you even left the club because of me. I really didn't do that on purpose. I just want to make it better again. If I can't fix it, I could try to help you relax, I'm good at massaging and helping others fall asleep. I could also make you feel good, I'm skilled at a lot of things.”

_ No fucking way. _

“You want to help me relax? It won’t work because you’re the reason I’m losing my mind. I threw the shirt away, there is nothing you can do about it, so just… I don’t know, go back to the dancefloor and act as if I’m not there? The way you moved looked okay.” Hoseok opened his eyes and followed the movements of the other man’s long finger.

It was quiet until Hyungwon suddenly smiled. “Do you want to watch me dance? I could dance for you, it doesn't have to be at a club. It can be a calm place without all those people. I also struggle when it's so packed. Can't you just take me home and I'll dance for you?” Stretching out his palm, the dancer watched him intently.

_ Alone? At home? With him? _

His eyes widened and he shook his head, before putting both hands into the pockets of his low-cut jeans.

“If you want to dance you can dance, you don’t have to dance for me. I’m fine. And I won’t take you home either, because it’s not about the project and there’s no reason for me to have you at my place. And I seriously can’t be next to you because you keep getting so close, I hate that.”

“I'm sorry,” Hyungwon whispered again and stepped back. His facial expressions changed, showing shock at Hoseok's comment. “Your heart was beating quickly, so I thought that you liked it and that it was okay. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I can dance for you without touching you, I promise. You only need to watch from afar, I can do that.”

_ You were mean, Hoseok. _

“I- I’m sorry, I don’t want to be mean to you. You’re… I guess you’re okay, we just don’t fit together well. It’s not because of you, it’s because it doesn’t fit. Don’t worry.” Chewing on his lips, he glanced in the direction of his dorm. “I think I’ll go home. I really didn’t mean to be an asshole.”

“It's okay, it happens to me all the time.” Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and shrugged, acting like it didn't matter but his face said something different. “A lot of people think I'm terrible because I don't understand or they assume that I want to take away their loved ones. I'm sorry for making you act like this. I wish there was something I could do, but if you don't want to see my face then I'll just-” The dancer's voice broke and he groaned in frustration. “I'm sorry, I'm used to acting like myself, but I keep forgetting that it's strange to others, I'm just-”

Giving up, Hyungwon rubbed over his face, wet skin reflecting the light of the street lamp. “I'll just leave, I'm sorry.”

“Wait, no, wait, I didn’t mean that!” Hoseok had no idea why he suddenly cared, but he reached out automatically, holding onto the thin fabric of the other man’s shirt that he rubbed between his thumb and index finger, fidgeting nervously. “I’m sorry, usually people just curse me out and that’s it. I didn’t mean to make you cry or sad or anything, I just wanted to get over the loss of my shirt in peace.” Groaning loudly, he focused his gaze on Hyungwon’s big eyes and pressed his lips together. “I don’t like people, okay? I also don’t like being touched and I don’t like it when things don’t work out, but what we have here…” he gestured between them using his free hand. “What we have here is all of it at once. It would be amazing if you didn’t care, okay? If you just said, fuck you, Hoseok, and continued making out with my friend, or his friend or whoever touched you inappropriately on the dance floor. Your life seems like a lot of fun, I don’t understand the problem, really.”

“Oh, but-” Hyungwon was visibly confused and rubbed the tears out of his eyes again, fingers shaking, “but the guy only touched my waist. I didn't know him but he wanted to dance with me. Did that make you upset too? Why don't you like being touched, Hoseok? When it's sudden I get scared too, but usually it calms me down and helps me to act like I'm supposed to.”

“If people touch me I want to push them away, because it’s my personal space and I didn’t allow anybody in. It’s intimate and a lot of sensations. I don’t like it.” He looked to the side and continued chewing on his lips. “It’s your personal space, so you can get touched by whoever you like, it’s not my business, as long as you don’t touch me.”

“Are you very sensitive, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked and smiled, long fingers carefully brushing over his hand that held onto the black-haired man's shirt. “I think I understand that. It means you need to be touched the right way, and carefully or it hurts.”

His eyes widened and he stepped back automatically, a little freaked out by the other man’s gaze.

“Uh… anyways, I hope you know that I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m going home, please have fun on the dancefloor. It looked as if your body was a vibrating string. Bye.” Lifting his hand, Hoseok waved and turned around, walking in the direction of his dorm.

“W-wait,” Hyungwon yelled after him and hurried to catch up even though it wasn't necessary, running into him. “I- shit, I'm sorry- I still want to fix your shirt, will you let me?”

_ Is he stupid? _

“It’s… in… the… garbage!” He pronounced every word clearly to make sure that the black-haired man got his point this time. “There’s nothing to fix. I had to throw it away, just like my feelings and now there’s nothing you can do. Go dance.” 

“But I don't understand why the garbage means it can't be fixed. I can take it out, wash it and attach the buttons that I collected. I can do it, I swear!” Hyungwon exclaimed and randomly lifted his arms in the air, shaking them a little.

“No. You’re not going to do any of it, and now let me go home and play cello before I go crazy,” Hoseok muttered and lifted his hand, waving in front of his face.

“Okay,” the dancer muttered and didn't follow him this time, staring after him quietly.

_ Thank God. _

All of it was too much for him and he couldn't wait to be home alone with his thoughts, without being touched and having to think about things he had never cared about.

_ Like someone crying because of you. _


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Am I disgusting?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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The plastic bag didn't smell bad and didn't look abandoned in any other way. It was only tied with a firm knot and contained a bunch of impossibly soft fabric. The shirt was a beautiful colour and felt like silk in his hands. It was obviously something precious and the way Hoseok had reacted when it broke was proof of how cherished that single shirt was.

Hyungwon could understand it well, the attachment to something physical that wasn't a person. It was a lot like him, the way Hoseok loved his cello and also treasured the shirt that Hyungwon had ruined.

_ But he told you not to fix it. _

The cellist had, but there was no reason for that. There was nothing that explained the aversion to return something that Hoseok cared about. He should have been happy, but instead he attempted to forget about it.

_ Maybe because it hurts, but it'll stop once you're done. _

His best friend had been a great help, getting the buttons back from Kihyun and giving them to Hyungwon for his big project. Shirt first, cello second.

Nunu was showering while Hyungwon arranged the buttons on his bed and prepared a needle and thread the same colour as the shirt. He had bought it purposefully for fixing the precious cloth. Each motion of his hands was a dance on its own, careful and requiring a lot of concentration. He wanted it to be perfect, a gift to Hoseok to show that he was a good person and wanted to be forgiven.

_ You want to be his cello too. _

Hyungwon smiled to himself as he worked, unaware of how much time passed, but once the last button was beautifully attached, he hugged the fixed shirt to his body and sprinted out of his room. He slipped into his slippers because it was faster and hurried down two floors and three buildings over to Hoseok's dorm. He couldn't wait to show the musician, even when it was dark outside and they hadn't talked since meeting at the club.

Arriving at room number fourteen on the fifth floor, he sucked his lips into his mouth out of excitement and knocked. He passed the time by pressing the shirt to his chest and partially his mouth to inhale the scent. It smelled like human, nicely smelling human.

_ Oh no, now you want to smell him. He'll be angry. _

There was some shuffling before the door opened and revealed the blonde man wearing workout clothes and holding a dumbbell. Hoseok's eyes widened and he stared at him for a few seconds before his mouth finally moved.

“What are you doing here?”

Hyungwon stared at the way the tight clothes wrapped around the musician's muscular body and showed how nice it was, firm and big enough to grab a handful. He immediately wanted to touch, but didn't, holding himself back and squeezing the shirt instead.

_ He's sexy. _

“You're sexy and I brought you a present,” he replied and smelled the shirt one last time before removing it from his chest and holding it out towards Hoseok. Suddenly he was sad about letting it go.

_ Maybe you can ask for a different shirt to keep. _

“What are you even talking about…,” Hoseok started until he saw the piece of clothing and immediately reached out, almost ripping it out of his hands. “How… how did you do that?” The intimidating eyes looked cute all of a sudden and he finally saw that Hoseok had almost black eyes. He never looked other people in the eyes, especially if they weren't blue or green or any other color that caught his attention. But the black was pleasant to look at, it didn't feel as uncomfortable.

Excited that Hoseok was interested in the repairs, he pointed at the buttons.

“Nunu and I collected them and I attached them back to the shirt, all by myself! Look!” He lifted his right hand to separate his index finger and show the spot where he hurt himself. “But I tried really hard and you can't even see that it's not new! Apart from the fact that it smells like you. I'm going to miss the scent I think.”

“Did… you get it out of the garbage, Hyungwon Chae?” Hoseok lifted the dumbbell and exhaled once. It looked heavy. “Really?”

“Yes! Because being in the garbage isn't the end of existence. Now it's okay again, so you can love it again, as much as you like.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and couldn't help the way his cheeks lifted up, turning his eyes into crescents. He was happy that Hoseok was surprised, that was probably a good thing.

_ Maybe he can lift you with one hand like that dumbbell. _

“Can you lift me like that?” he asked and pointed at the dumbbell, amazed by the muscle definition.

“What's your weight?” The blonde man did another repetition while looking to the side, but Hyungwon could see him trying to hide his smile. That was something he could understand, so he smiled even wider and wiggled his hands up and down a little.

“Sixty point two kilograms.”

“What? Really? That's basically nothing.” Still smiling, the musician walked into the room and placed the dumbbell on the floor next to other equipment that looked huge and heavy. Hyungwon hadn't even seen it the last time he was there. Typical of his shitty attention. Hoseok folded the shirt and smiled once again. “Thank you. Really.”

_ You made him really happy. _

It was really pretty and made Hyungwon want to reach out and cup his face, but he still had enough attention to be careful. He remembered that Hoseok was sensitive and needed to be touched the right way, carefully and only in ways that were good.

“Could you give me another shirt of yours that you don't need anymore?” he asked and stepped a little closer. He was a simple person, he was intrigued by visible muscle definition and strength. He  _ really _ liked strength and wanted to be lifted and let his fingers run over Hoseok's stomach right after.

“A shirt?” Confusion appeared on the handsome face followed by a thoughtful look. Hoseok walked to the wardrobe in the hallway and looked through his clothes. “There is one, but I should wash it first.”

“No, it's perfect!” Hyungwon exclaimed and followed to the wardrobe, ready to grab the shirt before Hoseok threw it into the laundry and other scents mixed in. “Can you also lift me like that dumbbell?”

“It’s too tight, so you can have it. But wash it because I wore it once. And yes, you're very light so I could probably lift you.” Handing him the shirt, the blonde man eyed him with interest.

_ Is he figuring out how to lift you? _

Hyungwon got excited and smelled the shirt briefly before tying it around his waist, emphasising it's slimness.

“Now? Can you lift me now? Oh,” he quickly threw off his slippers and wanted to remove his jacket until he realized he hadn't worn one in the first place, running out in ripped jeans and a t-shirt, “am I lighter without shoes?”

“I'm trying to figure out how to lift you with one hand, but you probably have to bend yourself over my forearm or something.” Suddenly Hoseok laughed in his really low voice and it sounded really nice. Hyungwon giggled and reached for the muscular arm, squeezing it with both hands. It felt really nice.

“Nunu lifts me when we dance sometimes and I sit on his palm. I have a small butt and can keep my balance very well, even with stretched out hands and bent legs.” He felt really excited and wanted to wrap his body around Hoseok already and kiss his beautiful, smiling face.

“You want to sit on my palm? That would be difficult. What if I drop you accidentally?” Again, Hoseok giggled, but stretched out his palm. “You can hold onto my shoulder… but not too tightly.”

Nodding quickly, Hyungwon focused on the position of his body and remembered each time Hyunwoo lifted him up and turned beautifully while still holding on to him. Wasting no time, he jumped and grabbed Hoseok's shoulders tightly to hold his weight and only slowly lower it onto the musician's palm. He angled his legs to distribute the weight better for Hoseok to hold him and lifted up one arm, curling it. His other hand held onto Hoseok's shoulders to make sure the blonde man didn't have to carry all of his weight at once.

“Okay, I guess now you can let go,” the blonde man murmured and he could feel the muscles in his shoulder flex against his fingers. Hoseok balanced him and lifted his arm, pushing him up and down, before carefully letting him sink to his feet. Hyungwon loved it, feeling weightless while being perfectly aware of his body. Hoseok was well built and attractive and had a gorgeous smile.

_ Oh no, now you want to kiss his face again. _

“You're beautiful,” he whispered and tried to be slow and careful, fingers dancing back to Hoseok's shoulders and a little further up to his nape, stroking over the blonde hair.

“I… I am not,” Hoseok murmured, eyes widening and pink tongue licking over the curved lips. He stepped back a tiny bit, but less than he usually did.

“Is it… painful like this?” Hyungwon asked and repeated the motion, fingers sliding over the other man's hair like a feather. He made sure to be sensual and careful, to show that it could be pleasant instead of irritating and hurtful.

_ Maybe this is an even better present. _

“No… no, it's… intimate,” the low voice murmured as the muscular man slipped back further.

“Do you dislike it?” he asked again, but didn't step forward. He didn't want to force Hoseok and if he enjoyed it, he could relax and slip closer again, let Hyungwon's fingers do their job. There's was too much space between them, but Hyungwon was patient.

_ You don't need much, only a tight embrace. It'll make you feel so much better. _

“It's not about liking or disliking. I don't understand what you are trying to do.” Blinking a few times, the blonde man licked over his lips again, eyes focused on his face and attempting to find something. Or just staring. He didn't know.

“I want to touch you and… I'm trying to show you that it doesn't have to be painful. It can be nice too, without having to mean anything. Touching helps me to calm down a lot and to be able to concentrate again. How… does it make you feel?” He couldn't resist and moved forward, enjoying the way Hoseok's post workout body warmed the air. He wanted to touch so bad, wrap himself around the beautiful man and inhale the delicious scent.

“It's chaotic and it's not only about pain. It is meaningful, always, and I don't understand why you’d want to touch me, or to show me how nice touching is. Why me? You have enough people to touch, even Kihyun! He should be here in a bit, then you can touch him. I'm only associated with you because of the performance, but it's never about the actual performance, it drives me crazy. I meet you outside, in the club, you fix my shirt, I… I don't understand any of this. I just want to know what to perform and have a calm life.” Hoseok's elegant hand lifted in the air as if he was about to touch something precious and the warm fingers curled around his wrist, carefully removing his hand from the blonde hair.

The motion was so beautiful that Hyungwon gasped and put his hand back, wanting to see it again. The blonde man's fingers were so soft and delicate, he wanted them around his wrists all the time.

“I don't want to touch Kihyun, I want to touch you, because you are the one who made me happy right now, lifting me and looking beautiful. I want to touch your beautiful face and wrap my arms around you, but I also don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I'm trying hard to stay away and be decent. I'm not very good at it. Your smile is breathtaking,” he babbled and suddenly felt the urge to be a cello again, to be held and played like Hoseok did with his instrument. “I want to become your cello for the performance.”

“I think you should touch someone who also likes touching and doesn't mind it being meaningless. You made me happy too, so I lifted you even though I never do things like that. Let's… let's just concentrate on the performance, okay? Otherwise it just freaks me out because you're completely unpredictable. Makes me want to hide behind my cello.” Swallowing visibly, Hoseok did it again, careful, gracious movements as he took his wrist and let it sink to his side.

It was a little embarrassing and probably another thing that was going to freak Hoseok out, but his body reacted to it, abdomen tingling and spreading the sensation down to his legs. It was sudden enough to forget whatever he wanted to say or do, so he sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around the blonde man's muscular leg instead. It felt really nice under his fingertips, hot and with defined lines.

“I want to hug, but I don't know what to do when I- don't hug. I feel so lost now, I only want to wrap my body around you and smell your neck, but now I'm sitting here and have no idea what's going on. Your smile is so beautiful, that's probably what people mean when they say an angel's smile. Something that makes you smile too and feel really happy. I feel happy when I look at you smile. You should always smile, but you can't because I'm hugging your leg and you want space but- I don't know what else to do.” He groaned and rubbed his forehead over Hoseok's knee, enjoying the way it felt.

“Oh God,” the blonde man whispered, probably confused by his behaviour. It was okay, Hyungwon was confused too. “You don't like me, do you? Because that's the worst idea possible. I'm not a nice person and I don't prefer men either. I don't prefer anything to be honest, so it's better if you don't like me. If you can't do anything about it I can tell the director that I don't want to do the performance, so that you won't have any problems and we'll let it be. Ah, I should've anticipated that it would be complicated,” the musician muttered, flexing his thigh against his fingers.

_ Huh? _

“But I like everybody, Hoseok,” he remarked and felt a little confused by the sudden conclusions. “Everybody is cute and wonderful unless they are mean, and then I apologise and try to make them like me again. I don't want to cancel the performance because I'm going to be your cello.” Hyungwon let go of Hoseok's leg and used the muscular arm to get in position again, posing like a cello while holding his breath and staying still because Hoseok said that he didn't last time. “Like this, only in motion because you will play me.”

“Fine, then please feel free to run around and like everybody but make an exception with me because it freaks me the fuck out. I'm not adorable and I'm not cute, I'm mean and I made you cry.” Hoseok held onto his waist before turning him and focusing his gaze on his face. “I tried to come up with some music but it didn't work. I think we should use something classical.”

“Maybe… you need more inspiration,” Hyungwon whispered, only belatedly realizing that his voice sounded a little breathy and therefore made the words suggestive. It wasn't his intention, but he wasn't opposed either. It was the truth, so he didn't correct it and tried to stop his body from trembling, unlike a cello this time. Hoseok's hands were perfect, he wanted them everywhere. “I'm sure you'll do amazing, just think of what you want to tell your cello and play it.”

“I can’t tell my cello anything, Hyungwon. I told you that it’s a part of me. I just… ah never mind. Are you cold?” Suddenly a warm palm touched his forearm carefully before disappearing again. He gasped almost immediately, yearning for the touch to return. “You’re freezing. Do you need a blanket? Or something to wear? Why did you come without a jacket? Are you insane? It’s like ten degrees outside. Are all the people in the contemporary dance department like you?”

“I need you, wrapped around me because you are warm,” Hyungwon replied truthfully and relaxed his body a little, leaning against Hoseok's muscular chest. He could really feel the musician's body through the tight fabric of his workout clothes. But he shouldn't get distracted, there were so many questions to answer. “No, I don't know anybody like me. Many of them think that I'm weird too and only want to talk to me to sleep with me. That's what Nunu said, but I can't really tell what people's intentions are.”

_ But that's okay, isn't it? Touching is something positive and that can be shared while it lasts. _

Hyungwon wanted to see how the cello became a part of Hoseok so he could do it too.

“Why would someone sleep with someone who they considered weird? I hope you don’t sleep with anybody like that. They’re assholes. I hope that you know exactly what my intentions are because I keep talking about how I don’t like touching and only want to finish our performance in peace. I usually don’t care about other people’s intentions because I’m not interested and don’t like people.” Hoseok slipped away from him and walked away, before coming back with a woolen blanket and handing it to him.

“I know that you want to finish the performance. Me too and I want it to be perfect. I just don't understand how you can dislike people but still take care of me. You're kinder to me than most other dancers and men that come to me after our performances. Nunu also says that they are mean for talking about me behind my back, but consensual touching isn't bad, is it?” Hyungwon replied and wrapped himself in the warmth. It was nice, but not as good as a human body was. Something about Hoseok made him want to attach himself. Maybe it was because usual gestures like resting his weight on a shoulder or wrapping his fingers around a bicep weren't okay? Sighing, he curled his arms tightly around himself and hoped that it helped, head thrown back.

“It’s easy. You are in my room and you are freezing and I also made you cry before which never happened to me, except for people who cried because I was much better at playing cello compared to them. I feel a little guilty. Regarding what you said about touching… don’t ask me. I’m not someone who’s experienced enough to give you any advice about it.” The blonde man sat down on his bed and crossed his legs, watching him intently. “But you must be happy then, if you… always have people to touch.”

“I prefer to touch people that are special somehow. I can't describe it,” Hyungwon muttered and examined the other man's face intently, skipping his eyes until he glanced down to the way his thighs looked and his groin. Hoseok was really hot.

“Hoseok, have you never touched anybody?” he asked and tried to imagine that, failing miserably. He wouldn't be able to exist without somebody to take care of him and make him feel protected. Hoseok’s mouth opened and he stared at him, before looking down and playing with the fabric of his pants.

“Of course I have. I hugged Kihyun once and I also held your hand, lifted you and checked whether you’re cold. Why wouldn’t I have touched anyone? I’m not a ghost. But I prefer not to.” The fumbling was familiar and reminded Hyungwon of the way some guys looked when he asked them whether they had fucked a man before. 

_ Is he ashamed? _

“Cool! Did you like the hugging?” he asked with a bright grin and sat down on the bed, pulling his knees to his chest. Sliding his butt closer towards Hoseok, he stopped when his toes poked muscular thighs, considering it appropriate distance.

“It was strange, but okay because it was an intimate situation and it fit somehow. Why are you asking? Do you think it’s weird to not like being touched? I think it’s okay. There are not many people who express the desire to do so, so I’m living nicely like this. Before you came and told me that you want to wrap around me and be my cello that is.” The dark eyes peeked from under Hoseok’s blonde bangs and he looked at him. Hyungwon felt surprised by how easy it was to look at the other man's eyes, as if they were special somehow.

“I don't think it's weird, I'm only curious whether you don't like to be touched because it's uncomfortable or because you're not used to it. I don't understand the people that don't want to touch you, because I want to touch you all the time, run my fingers over your calves and thighs, brush your sides and stroke your hair, squeeze your biceps because you're so strong and I love it. There's a lot of things.” Wiggling his toes, Hyungwon rubbed them over the musician's thigh, hoping to satisfy his need to do all those things with the bare minimum.

“Oh god, why would you say that?” Hoseok exclaimed and let himself fall back against the sheets, hiding his face in both hands while keeping his legs crossed. “If you try to touch me I want to push you away because it doesn’t fit the situation or our… our relationship and it makes me uncomfortable. Kihyun told me that you’re ‘touchy’ but I don’t think it will change the way I think,” the blonde man whispered between his fingers.

_ Now that makes sense. _

It was the first time Hyungwon felt pretty sure that he got the point. Smiling a little in excitement, he pushed the light switch that was right next to the bed and covered them in darkness. Moving forward, he placed his palms at each side of Hoseok's face and lay down carefully, resting his weight on the other man's broad chest. His scent was delicious and he barely resisted licking over the broad neck.

“Like this?” he whispered and exhaled against Hoseok's face.

“What are you doing?” Hoseok’s breath hit his face from between the other man’s fingers and Hyungwon saw how he moved his hands down, revealing his eyes, shining in the dark room. They were gorgeous.

“Making the situation fit,” he replied and lifted his left arm to remove a stray strand from Hoseok's forehead. He wanted to see as much of the pretty face as possible. “Can I hug you in the dark, Hoseok?”

“Only a hug.” The hands disappeared and revealed the other man’s incredibly handsome face. “Because I made you cry and I’m sorry about that.”

“I don't want to force you, I'll make it worth it,” he replied quietly and adjusted his position by lying down on top of Hoseok and wrapping his arms around his broad torso, one leg thrown over his hips. It felt really nice to lie on top of him, hot and peaceful as he inhaled the delicious scent and finally felt relaxed for the first time. Giving in completely, he reached up to stroke over Hoseok's soft hair, doing what he was good at, relaxing people.

_ Why is this so nice? _

There was no sound, only the sensation of warmth enveloping him like a blanket made of feathers, applying almost no pressure and creating the impression that he was held without it being obvious. A soft exhale followed and he could feel Hoseok’s fingers move over his shoulder carefully, before circling around it.

It was perfect, so perfect that Hyungwon closed his eyes and snuggled a little closer, exhaling his soul and consciousness along with the air in his lungs. It was just what he needed to let go, so he did, mind becoming black.

***

 

No matter what happened, he couldn’t predict Hyungwon’s next action. He couldn’t predict the black-haired man would search for his shirt in the garbage room and he couldn’t predict him fixing it so well that it looked as if it was new. He also couldn’t predict that the dancer wanted to be lifted, the careful touches, the intimate talk, the questions he didn’t want to answer and finally the darkness. Hyungwon covered them both in black, getting closer, big eyes staring at him and hot exhales tickling his fingers that he placed in front of his mouth, scared of what the other man might do.

A hug. Hyungwon wanted a hug and he agreed, letting the slim body wrap around him and ignoring whatever the black-haired man was talking about. It felt so weird, so different from how he remembered hugging Kihyun. Rough and patting each other’s shoulders before parting again. This hug wasn’t like that. Not at all. Instead it was close, warm, soft and light somehow, even though the dancer’s leg slipped over his thighs and he shivered at the sensation, urge to shift unbearable. He suppressed it and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s shoulders, making sure to not apply too much pressure. His mind felt cloudy and his heart hammered against his ribcage as if trying to jump out and run somewhere instead of his body that stayed perfectly still.

The low voice murmured something against his chest before Hyungwon’s muscle tension disappeared after a few moments and Hoseok knew that the other man had fallen asleep.

_ What are you supposed to do now? _

He had not a single idea what he was supposed to do in a situation like this, simply because he had never been in a situation like this. He had never hugged somebody like this and he had never had anyone fall asleep on top of him. Furthermore he wanted to go to the restroom. Breathing in and out regularly, he tried to calm down his heart that still beat furiously, making it impossible to relax.

_ But he’s asleep, Hoseok. _

The thought was calming. It meant that there was nothing he had to expect, no random questions about his touching experience, no glances, no descriptions of how much the dancer wanted to wrap around him and no intimacy.

_ This is intimate. _

It was, but Hyungwon was asleep. It didn’t count if the other person wasn’t aware. Leaning back, he observed the other man’s features. They were soft somehow, round and plump. His nose and his lips, his eyes, his jaw and forehead, all of it seemed as if someone had drawn them with a soft pencil.

_ They didn’t know what kind of person he was before drawing him like this. _

The softness of the features didn’t suit the other man’s behavior, not at all.

Suddenly the door opened and Kihyun appeared. His mouth opened but nothing came out, light from the neighboring room illuminating his bed and giving his best friend a detailed picture. The strangest thing was that he didn’t move an inch. Instead he stared, waiting for what Kihyun would say.

“What the fuck are you doing?” his friend whispered, stepping a little closer and eyes widening.

‘I have no fucking idea’ Hoseok mouthed back, eyes wide and trying to convey his emotions by using his face only.

‘Why the fuck are you cuddling with Hyungwon, are you drunk? You said you hate touching!’ It was completely ridiculous to communicate by hissing, but both of them somehow agreed on it.

‘I hate touching! I hate it, but… it kinda happened and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now and I need to pee. Seriously, he’s pressing on my bladder with his bony knee.’ Shifting a tiny bit, he almost winced.

‘Just slip out carefully, if you don’t want to wake him up. Why are you acting like a confused maiden? Also, I’ll never let this go, you fucking liar.’ His best friend stepped closer and pointed at his intimidating gaze before pointing back at him. Curling his hand around Hyungwon’s arm, Kihyun pulled it away carefully and let him slip out. Shit. He really needed to pee.

“I’m not a liar, it’s true, he… damn it, I swear!” Hoseok whispered and ran to the toilet, taking care of his business, washing his hands, his face and staring at himself in the mirror for what felt like three minutes or more. He had no idea what the hell he was doing. That meant he needed to play.

Marching back into the room, he turned on the light and got out his cello, glancing at Kihyun who gestured with his hand in front of his face, thinking that he was completely nuts.

“I have no idea what’s going on, I need to play. Take him into your room or whatever,” Hoseok murmured and sat down, closing his eyes and trying to collect his thoughts before the bow touched the strings and he played. He had no idea for how long he did, but the finishing note still lingered when he opened his eyes and looked around, feeling much better and having a clear idea that he should stop doing things he had never done before because they confused the shit out of him.

Hyungwon was kneeling on the bed, jeans low on his hips and t-shirt halfway off his shoulder as he rubbed over his big eyes and pouted a little. The dancer looked really young doing that, almost like a child.

“Why did you leave me alone? Did I do something terrible again?” he asked and leaned forward. Hoseok hadn't realized that the other man's t-shirt was loose, but now he did, seeing the dancer's whole, flat chest.

_ At least he doesn't run around in underwear. _

“I didn’t leave you alone, I needed to go to the restroom and then I felt confused, so I had to play and now I’m done.” Hoseok got up and packed his cello back into its perfectly blue case. “You can sleep some more if you like, Kihyun is back but I guess he went into his room while I was playing. You can hug him. He’s better at it.”

“But he feels different,” Hyungwon commented and let his long legs slip down the bed, stretching them a little. The dancer was easily distracted by other things, drawing a pattern with his foot before drawing it with his whole leg. The motion resembled a dance, like Hyungwon's leg couldn't decide where it wanted to go, unsure about the location while still moving steadily. “Why were you confused, Hoseok?”

“Because I need to create a performance and not hug you to sleep, considering that you have enough people who can substitute for that. I'm thankful for the shirt though. Next time we should meet at a location that doesn't have a bed. And preferably big enough for you to show me some of your dance.”

“I want to show you now,” Hyungwon replied and stood up, body posture switching completely. It reminded Hoseok of something familiar until the dancer lifted his right hand and curled it like a scroll. “Let me try to dance the confusion you played. I'm improvising, so it might not be as dynamic.”

The dancer didn't wait for a reply before he started, without music. His motions suggested he was hearing it in his head, the notes that Hoseok had played on the cello, confused and erratic like his mind had been. Only later had Hoseok calmed down and the change appeared in the melody. The black-haired man was moving the same way, turning suddenly, sinking to the floor in a geometric formation until it switched again. He turned into a cello that couldn't decide on its spot and traveled along the room, succumbing to notes, each motion following the previous one. It was a consistent dance that ended on Hyungwon raising his right leg upwards and wrapping his fingers around his ankle while his head pressed against it, eyes closed. The dancer was really flexible.

_ Wow. _

“You heard,” he whispered and stared with his lips slightly parted. “We should try doing it together once, maybe when I'm not confused and wanting the wall to swallow me.”

“I'd love to!” Hyungwon exclaimed, still hugging his leg and grinned at him. “I like being your cello.”

“You're weird, do you know that?” He had to laugh suddenly. Maybe because of the other man's position, or maybe because it was always ridiculous when they met. Holding his stomach, he couldn't stop, low voice echoing in the room.

“Yeah, I know. My mom said it makes me precious,” Hyungwon replied and stretched out his tongue, pink and round just like his lips. “I think I can be a good cello, I talked to Nunu about possible movements and I can do a lot with my legs and hips.”

“Fine. Let's meet up Friday because I’ve just spent two hours being confused with you and didn't practice for another exam I have at the end of the week. I'll try to get a bigger room where you can move freely or maybe you can try because I only need a chair and average acoustics.” Smiling, Hoseok felt at ease now that it was about the performance and not about anything else, that there was no touching and no intimidating glances. Just project related talk. He could do that.

“Oh, I could book a dance studio and tell you the time. That should be perfect. There's only one problem.” Hyungwon finally let go of his long leg and pointed outside the window. There wasn't anything special, only darkness and a few shiny windows across the street. “I'm scared to go home alone because it's past 11 p.m. I know this sounds really stupid, but it's the truth and Nunu has probably gone to sleep, assuming I'm staying out. Can you take me home, or can I stay here until morning?”

His imagination turned on and before even a second passed he walked to his shoes.

“I'll walk you home,” he shot out, tying his shoelaces. Hyungwon giggled at his outburst and placed a sudden kiss on top of his head.

_ What the... _

“Thank you so much! You're the first one that hasn’t make fun of me because of that. Usually they say I'm a grown man and nothing can happen to men and all that. Or they say I'm a pussy. Thank you for not saying all those mean things.”

Hoseok didn't even think about anything like that, he only imagined the black-haired man staying over and knew that anything else was a better choice. Unpredictable. Hyungwon was unpredictable.

“I'll take you home if you feel uncomfortable. How about accepting me being uncomfortable about touching in return?” He smiled to himself because the hug was kind of nice. Especially after the dancer fell asleep.

“But you need to experience things to say they are really uncomfortable, right? Otherwise it's novelty that's uncomfortable,” the dancer commented and collected his slippers from wherever he threw them before Hoseok lifted his slim body with one hand. Once his feet were covered and the shirt Hoseok had given the black-haired man was pressed flush against his chest, Hyungwon hurried to the door and ripped it open, looking excited. “Will you piggyback me?”

“You're kidding, right?” Hoseok glanced at the other man with a gaze full of judgement. 

“No?” Hyungwon obviously didn't get it, blinking a few times and pouting his lips. “I like piggyback, it's comfy and I don't have to walk. Also, it's warmer because your body is hot. Nunu carries me a lot, especially home.”

“Nunu can continue carrying you then.” He took off his jacket and gave it to the black-haired man while looking straight ahead.

“But you're so strong! It must be like sitting on a cloud and feeling weightless. I was really impressed when you lifted me with one arm, you're invincible, Hoseok!” Hyungwon lifted his arms to symbolize invincibility and flexed his chest, but it looked really funny. “You could work out by using me!”

“I worked out today. Thank you.” His lips spread in a grin at how persistent Hyungwon was. “Take the jacket and stop freezing.”

“But-” The other man's mouth remained open to prepare for all his unsaid words until he closed it again. “Okay, but only because your smile makes my knees weak.”

Suddenly a heat wave hit his face and he lifted his hands, pressing them against his cheeks to cool them down. It must've been the dancer's words that caused his face to burn.

Glancing to the side, Hoseok narrowed his gaze, angry that Hyungwon was able to make him feel like this.

“Why would you say that? Just say that I'm a mean weirdo and move on, why?”

Hyungwon smiled at that, cheeks big and reforming his small face into a squishy circle.

“Because I can't lie,” the dancer replied and grabbed his hand, running along the hallway inexplicably. Hoseok hadn't even had the chance to shut his dorm room door.

“Everyone lies,” Hoseok muttered and let himself be dragged before it got too much and he pulled at his hand, letting the weightless dancer fly back and hit his chest. Ouch. “Oops. Sorry, did that hurt?” he asked and let go of the big hand.

“No, I'm used to flying around, an occupational hazard.” Hyungwon giggled and punched his chest with his big, but bony fist. It was light and barely had an effect, but Hoseok doubted that it was supposed to. The dancer kept his fist against his chest for a few moments before uncurling it and pressing his palm, fingers spread, flat against his pecs. The touch was a little colder than his chest. “But I really can't lie.”

Blinking a few times, Hoseok swallowed and narrowed his gaze, trying to come up with a nice example of how lying was easy.

“Repeat after me: I like Hoseok.” He grinned and lifted his eyebrow.

“That's easy because it's true. I like Hoseok, I really really like Hoseok,” Hyungwon answered and leaned forward and down, rubbing his forehead over his chest.

“W… what? It was a joke, why would you like me? Is it because you like everyone? Then we need to find a better example. What I mean is that it’s only a sentence you can repeat, without thinking about the consequences and it can easily become a lie, just like this.” He stepped back a little, but Hyungwon kept his hand on his chest.

_ What if he's trying to feel your heartbeat and it's quick? _

“I know that it's really easy for others, but I can't do it. I feel really uncomfortable when I have to say something that I know is untrue. It makes me cry and hit my head against the wall. Also when you tell me to say it, I can't do it, not even the words.” The dancers facial expressions changed as he talked and his fingers curled a little again, rubbing over Hoseok's pecs. The big eyes avoided his face, even more than they usually did and the black-haired man focused on their feet instead. “I also can't tell when people lie to me, so go ahead, I can't be hurt because I won't know. People do it all the time.”

“I don’t like lying either, that’s why Kihyun hates on me. I try when I meet someone I need to work with, but I can’t keep up the pretence for a long time and then stuff like ‘leave me the fuck alone’ comes out. I prefer not to stay around people I don’t like, so I don’t have to lie.” Focusing on Hyungwon’s round nose and the way he pouted his lips, Hoseok lifted his hand and curled his fingers around the dancer’s slim wrist carefully. “But you seem hurt knowing that others lie to you? Why would you say that you’re not?”

“Because-” Hyungwon's eyes widened suddenly and his shoulders trembled, “if I don't know, then I can't be hurt. I'm only hurt when I find out, when I hear them say mean things to others even if they told me that they like me. I- I'd prefer it if you told me that you hate me though, because maybe I could get better then, improve so you can like me.”

_ But you don’t hate him, do you? _

“I don’t hate you. It’s the truth.” Hoseok bent his knees and looked at the tall dancer from below, smiling a little. “You confuse me and you’re unpredictable which makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t hate you.” It made him sad that apparently, Hyungwon had to deal with all kinds of trash-people. A problem he didn’t have because he usually didn’t deal with people at all and preferred to avoid them.

“There it is again,” Hyungwon whispered and reached for Hoseok's face suddenly, cupping it with his big hands, “your beautiful smile.”

The dancer mirrored it, even brighter than his own was, as if his smile was sufficient to make the black-haired man happy. “I don't know if I can become more predictable though, I don't really know what that is.”

“Uhm… do you by chance want to be friends with me? Because then everything kind of makes sense, otherwise I still have no idea why you are acting like this,” Hoseok murmured while wrapping both hands around Hyungwon’s wrists and pulling a little for the dancer to stop touching his face.

“I would love to be your friend, Hoseok. Can I?” Following his grip, Hyungwon let go and moved up and down on his tiptoes, teeth settling on his bottom lip. “I really like it when you hold my wrists. You're super strong and your hands are warm. It's like bathing in a hot spring, only better!”

Being friends would explain all the weird behaviour Hyungwon was showing towards him, so he nodded and let go of the dancer’s arms. 

“Where do you live?” he asked as they finally left the building and he realized how cold it was without a jacket.

“I live in the C3 dorm, three houses from yours!” the dancer exclaimed and pointed at the big, ugly building excitedly. “I feel really safe with you, like you'll just punch whoever is mean to me. You're-” Hyungwon pretended to punch the air furiously before grinning and ruffling up his black hair, “my super-hero.”

“Do you really feel unsafe going by yourself, or did you just say that so that I’ll come along?” Hoseok asked, narrowing his gaze and wrapping his arms around himself to feel less cold.

“Huh, I told you, I'm scared on my own after 11 at night, it's super dark and people stare and I never know what it means.” Trembling at his own words, Hyungwon shook his head furiously before looking at him again. The dancer was right, a few people were looking at them, but it didn't mean anything. Suddenly the black-haired man stopped walking, staring at him with wide eyes.  “Oh, you must want a hug! I'm sorry, I didn't realise.”

It took only a few seconds until slim arms, covered by his jacket, wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight embrace.

_ Oh god. _

“Why would you think that?” he murmured, trying to put some distance between them. “Listen, it’s literally a three minute walk but we haven’t even managed to move for a minute straight. We’ll never get you home like this.” Hyungwon touched the crook of his neck and he gasped from the hot air that followed the touch.

“But you wrapped your arms around yourself! I do that when I want a hug,” the dancer muttered and squeezed once more before letting go, eyes still big. “You feel a little cold. Also- oh- maybe that is why Nunu piggybacks me all the time!”

“God, just climb the fuck up,” Hoseok groaned and crouched down, waiting for the crazy guy to wrap his ridiculously long arms around him and to finally get going. Hyungwon was fast, holding onto his shoulders and wrapping his long legs around his waist, giggling into his ear.

“I'm happy,” the dancer exclaimed and rubbed his nose over Hoseok's nape.

“Well then…” He got up and carried his newly won friend to his dorm, ignoring the glances of a few people who lived in his dorm and looked as if they’d seen a ghost.

_

 

He looked at the piece of paper that said ‘Exceptional’, slightly bored that it was always the same and put it into one of his drawers. He had written Hyungwon a WhatsApp, asking when and where he had to go, but didn’t receive an answer yet. It drove him up the wall.

“Are you up for some coffee?” Kihyun asked, entering his room without asking for permission and shaking him furiously.

“Can you stop? I hate that.” Turning around, Hoseok stared at his best friend, angry that the other man just did things he knew Hoseok disliked.

“You’re a liar because you cuddled with Hyungwon. I saw you two. What the fuck, Hoseok? Do you dig him? I thought sexuality didn’t exist and romantic feelings were only applicable to your cello?” Kihyun stared at him, waiting for an answer.

“It’s because…,” he started until he remembered and smiled in victory. “Because we’re friends.” 

Kihyun’s face fell and he stared at him in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? You’re suddenly friends and cuddle and… you know what? Fine. But don’t end up thinking that you’re special because he’s nice to you. He is like that, touchy and friendly. It’s not because he wants to be close to you. But what am I talking about? You don’t even touch yourself, god. Anyway, I warned you.” Groaning loudly, his best friend moved towards his room and slammed the door.

_ Why would you touch yourself? _

Shaking his head he suppressed the desire to walk over and tell Kihyun that he was wrong, because he wasn’t interested in anything but his cello and that he only wanted to end the project well, get some publicity and another ‘exceptional’. As if he wanted to get close to anyone, especially a guy. His dad would kill him.

His phone vibrated and a glance at the screen revealed a text from the dancer who he saved as ‘Project’. The answer was a picture of a hedgehog with a wide mouth and paws held close to its face. Then words followed.

‘I'm sorry, I didn't see your message because I was dancing. I'm in studio number seven in the main building for contemporary. Just come here and join me.’

‘I’ll be there in half an hour,’ Hoseok replied and grabbed a towel to take a quick shower and replace his suit pants with something more comfortable. It was warm outside, so maybe some white linen pants.

_

The case felt heavy on his back, but he liked the feeling, he knew that he had his instrument and it calmed him down a lot when he entered the unfamiliar building. He had looked up the directions and knew where he had to go, but still, the prospect of meeting the dancer and playing something that wasn’t decided yet made him feel uneasy. He knocked after finally finding the studio number seven. His gaze went over his blue pullover down to his white linen pants that felt really light on his legs. Hoseok really liked them.

There was no reply, but he could hear loud music, it was Tartini's ‘Devil's Trill’. He didn’t know that Hyungwon also danced to classical music. Or it could have been someone else.

Swallowing, Hoseok pushed the handle and peeked inside. It was bright and his eyes needed a few seconds to accommodate and see the black-haired man on his knees, bending forward and sliding his palms over the ground before he hit it two times, befitting the intensity of the music. One might have believed the dancer was possessed, motions of his head and arms unnatural, like he wasn't the one moving them and attempted to escape the grip of the music. His hands stretched out repeatedly, yearning to grab something, but failing whenever he stood on both feet, falling to the ground again. It was a long piece and once the last notes of the violin sounded, Hyungwon crossed his arms over his chest, fingers grasping his throat as he kneeled and threw his head back.

_ Holy shit. Can’t you just play that and he dances? _

“Just do the same and the performance is done,” Hoseok murmured and entered the studio, squeezing himself and his huge cello case through the door easing it shut behind him. He looked around, searching for a chair and exhaled after spotting one in the corner. There was no way to play cello while standing, at least not properly.

Hyungwon didn't respond and remained in the same position, head thrown back and chest rising and falling quickly. A few drops of sweat ran down his forehead and were glistening on his neck. The back of his white t-shirt was also a little soaked, becoming transparent.

Hoseok understood the refusal of communication, so he walked over to the chair and sat down, watching Hyungwon and holding his case with one hand.

It was difficult to say how much time passed until the dancer let his fingers slip down, travelling over his chest and rubbing over his slim thighs until he reached backward and created a bridge with his back, holding it up for a few moments until he let it crumble and curled up on the floor, still breathing heavily.

“This piece is so crazy,” the black-haired man whispered and hugged his knees, staying in a fetal position.

“I have water. Do you want some?” Hoseok stood up and took a small bottle out of his case and walked over to the spot where Hyungwon lay on the floor. Crouching down, he put the water next to the dancer's face, smiling a little. “Drink.”

“Oh, Hoseok!” Hyungwon exclaimed, visibly surprised to see him. The dancer unrolled and closed his big hands around the bottle, emptying it in a matter of seconds. “Thank you, I spaced out a little and didn't see you. I love the blue colour of your sweater. It's pretty, like you.” A bright smile accompanied the words.

“Yeah. I said you could dance and I could play this piece.” Hoseok got up again and walked back to his chair.

“But it's not yours, not something you want to say yourself. It's just me being possessed by the devil, but I want to be a cello. Your cello.”

“Why would you want to be a cello, if you can dance beautifully like this to a perfect classical piece that I can play just as perfectly as you dance? You’re a little stupid, aren’t you?” Crossing his arms in front of his chest, Hoseok lifted an eyebrow.

“I have an IQ of 149, but my doctor says that I can be ‘socially inadequate’, which might seem stupid to some,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged again. “I've been possessed before, but I haven't been a cello. It's special, so I want to try. I want to see whether you can look at me like you look at your cello.”

“Why would you want to be looked at by me? My IQ is 138 but my dad said I use 137.5 IQ points to play cello and 0.5 for everything else.” He sighed and got his instrument out of the case, checking the strings and preparing the bow. “You danced to my improvisation last time, so let’s reverse it. You dance and I’ll play it.”

“Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked and suddenly crawled towards him on all fours until he reached his knees, “can I occupy that 0.5 IQ point? I think it is special.”

“Have you eaten anything? I think you’re running low on sugar.” Staring down, he felt his eyes widen. It was the same sensation again, the lack of experience mixed with the lack of knowledge about what to expect from the black-haired dancer.

“I ate an apple,” Hyungwon replied and stayed on his knees in front of him, looking at him intently. “I'll be the cello and you play?”

“Listen… I have no idea about how to become an object, so it’s up to you. I said that I want to see you dance and will try to improvise something depending on what I see. Okay? You should eat something else after sweating like a pig.” He lifted the hand that was holding the bow and poked the other man’s chest with the tip, lifting his t-shirt a little bit.

“Am I disgusting?” Hyungwon asked and lifted his t-shirt higher, revealing his narrow waist, flat chest and small, dark nipples. He looked worried, plump lips sucked into his mouth.

“What… what are you doing? Argh!” Hoseok dropped the bow, let the cello fall on his shoulder painfully and covered his eyes with both hands.

“I thought you were disgusted because I'm sweating. I don't know how to stop though. It just happens,” the low voice muttered, sounding sad. “Is it better if I take my clothes off?”

“No! No! Don’t take them off! I’m not disgusted, I meant that you should eat after doing sports, god. Just pull your shirt back down, ok?” Hoseok waved with his right hand to emphasize his words, while peeking through the spaces between his fingers to see whether Hyungwon was dressed.

“Okay,” the black-haired man commented and finally lowered his shirt. “Are you scared of naked skin? You have it too, don't you? All pretty and smooth.”

Finally removing his hand from his face, he dared to exhale and swallowed, heart still beating quickly in his chest. It was so stressful. Why did Hyungwon suddenly start undressing?

“I don’t like it when people run around naked. Why would they if we are a civilized species and have invented  _ clothes _ to not be forced to see other human’s unretouched bodies? You can be naked in the shower, so why would you undress now? Don’t you- I don’t know- want to show it to someone special? When you’re close, or whatever? Fuck my life, you scared the shit out of me,” he murmured and closed his eyes while doing some breathing exercises.

“I don't like clothes, they make me feel uncomfortable,” Hyungwon replied simply and shrugged. “Why would everybody have to do the same thing? What about me? I hate clothes.”

“Because that’s how society works. And now give me my bow,” he murmured and pointed on the floor next to Hyungwon’s thigh.

“Am I not part of society then?” the dancer asked and handed him the bow, touch careful like he worried about breaking it. Hyungwon stood up and stepped into the middle of the room, across from the mirror wall.

“Depending on whether you’re obeying the rules,” Hoseok replied and got in position, interested in what Hyungwon would show him and excited whether he’d be able to play what he saw.

_ You’re so different. Will it work out? _


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t know, it’s- it’s a feeling. I don’t know why I feel it, Hoseok, I don’t know anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Naked feet on the cold ground, fingers spread in a grasping motion and prepared to dance, Hyungwon felt ready to be someone else, to stop thinking and begin feeling instead. He wasn’t the most graceful individual, but when he let go, when he danced and abandoned the language of the spoken word, that was when he turned into something else, a feather, a fallen angel, the devil himself. He could do all of it if he closed his eyes and felt it with his body.

There was no music now, not when he stood in the middle of studio 7 and watched Hoseok, the way the blonde man sat on his chair and watched him, holding onto his cello. The musician was ready, prepared to play each of his motions.

Hyungwon had never done that before, not like this. There had been cases when he was close to others and they said they felt inspired or wanted to play something, but never had it been about the way he danced and let go, the way he let his body move independent of bodily sensations such as pleasure.

“You tell me to obey the rules,” he whispered and slowly raised his right hand to form the familiar snail-like part of the cello. It was much easier, now that he was able to see it in front of him, the way it rested against Hoseok’s shoulder, prepared to be played. Hyungwon wanted to be played too, be used to express. “But I don’t know those rules you want me to follow.”

_ You are, he will watch you and express with the second cello. _

Hyungwon was going to be the main cello, the one that decided what happened. Taking a deep breath, he was glad that he wore tight sports pants and a white t-shirt for his performance. He was going to need a lot of leg movement because there was no other way to express motions, not while keeping his hands in formation. Another few seconds of peace and then there was only emptiness in his mind.

He moved, second hand crawling up his shoulders and upper arm, dancing along the skin until it reached the snail-like formation of his hand and fingers intertwined. His left leg drew careful circles on the ground with his toes, stretched out and perfectly straight. He stretched the seconds for his transformation, to become the cello that Hoseok adored so much. Lifting up on his tiptoes, he angled his left leg at the height of his knee to create a smooth circle, the curvy form of the cello body that was meant to be his own now. Staying in position for a few moments, he imagined that he was the instrument, prepared to be played and waiting, anticipating the moment when the bow finally touched him.

He imagined it, the way it would have moved over his waist, tickling the skin and producing a beautiful sound, extended and smooth, making him turn and bend in half at the same time, remaining on his tiptoes. The bow tried again, a different sound this time that threw his head back and pulled him closer, told him something pleasant, a compliment. It was a tender touch, a secret that was his to keep. He smiled and curved his back as he reached backwards, touching the ground with his fingertips only to rise up again and move faster, becoming part of the melody in his mind.

Suddenly there was music, flowing along his movements, beautifully integrating into his dance. Hoseok was playing with him. Again a smile passed over his lips, but this one stayed  longer, extending into the notes that Hoseok’s bow caused by stroking over the strings, over him. Hyungwon followed the notes, slowing down a little because of the tenderness they harboured and the comfort they brought him. He turned again, this time with a jump as a short note followed an extended one, making him pause and return the form of the cello with his hands and legs, standing still only to be pulled out of it by another element of the melody. Hyungwon loved every second that he was the cello, played by Hoseok.

The melody changed all of a sudden and turned slower, low chords enveloping him, stroking him like a bow, his thighs, his calves, making him turn and wanting to be touched like those strings that vibrated against the blonde man’s fingertips until it ended abruptly.

Hyungwon stopped his existence as a cello as soon as the melody faded, disappeared like his excuse to be somebody else. He stayed in his form as an instrument for a few more seconds until he allowed it to fall apart, sinking to the ground with angled legs and covering his head and the ground with his arms.

“You are gorgeous,” Hoseok whispered in the distance. “You make me see.”

His lips trembled at the compliment, spreading in a smile, but he didn’t move yet, waiting for his body to calm down and remember that he was Hyungwon, a man and that he was in the dance studio, performing for a beautiful musician named Hoseok. A man who had complimented him and called him beautiful. One had to say thank you after compliments.

“Thank you,” he whispered quietly and turned his head a little, watching Hoseok from under his right arm that was still held over his head and flat on the ground. The blonde man was staring at him, bow touching the ground and one hand curled around the fingerboard of the beautiful instrument.

“I want to be that cello,” he whispered and stretched out his arm, imagining the way he could grab it, let his fingers run over the fingerboard too, until he remembered that he was the one who wanted to be touched, to have pale but delicate hands run over his arms like they did over the fingerboard. He imagined it, that the distance between him and Hoseok wasn’t really there and that his hand was simply really big, stroking over the muscular thigh and carefully moving upwards until it reached the beautiful face and the big, black eyes that watched him. “I want to be touched like that too.”

“Have you ever held a cello before?” Hoseok asked, eyes not leaving him, not even for a second. Hyungwon shook his head and finally lifted his upper body from the floor, sitting on his folded legs instead as his fingers rubbed over the scratched wood and imagined it was something else, something nicer.

“Come here, I’ll let you hold it.” The blonde man stood up and pointed at the chair. “How are you supposed to be a cello if you don’t know how it feels against your fingertips?”

“You’re right but-” Hyungwon hesitated because he knew how precious it was. He was scared of breaking it with his clumsy fingers and terrible coordination. His heart was hammering in his chest as he he sat down and shook his legs back and forth to calm down, but it didn’t really help. Holding the musicians mind and soul felt special. “I- really don’t want to hurt it. It’s so precious to you.”

“I won’t let you break it, don’t worry.” Hoseok walked behind him and held the instrument with one hand, before reaching past him while brushing his side and pulling the cello neck on top of his shoulder. Warm fingers curled around his wrist and lifted it to the fingerboard and he felt the other man’s exhales against his ear as his fingers were wrapped around the wood one by one.

Hyungwon was sensitive and quick to react, gasping at the touches and the way the instrument felt in his hands. It was how he imagined holding a child, but not because it screamed or could move, but because it was alive, it harboured something precious, it could be hurt. Hyungwon didn’t want to be the one to hurt it, so he was careful, fingers like feathers as they gave in to Hoseok’s guidance. After a few moments he was brave enough to run his hands over the smooth texture, to apply a little more pressure to get a feeling for it, to caress it the way it deserved to be caressed. When he was a cello he wanted to be touched tenderly too, affectionately.

Hoseok must have kneeled down, as his arms lowered and he felt the same light warm sensation against his other wrist, letting him touch the body made out of curved wood while the musician caught him between his arms that guided his hands. Hyungwon felt protected and taken care of while taking care of the beauty in his hands, firm but fragile at the same time. It really resembled him and he isolated his middle and ring finger to slide them along the delicate curve, following it with his eyes and the tactile perception.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered and placed a soft kiss on the fingerboard of the cello.

“It is,” Hoseok’s low voice sounded right next to his ear before the blonde man got up and walked around him. Kneeling down, the blonde man didn’t care about his white pants and lifted his hand, drawing the curve of the instrument with his eyes closed. He was smiling.

“You must love it so much,” Hyungwon whispered and reached out to hold onto Hoseok’s hand and slide the tip of his index finger along it, enjoying the way it felt. “Let me draw it on your hand.” Closing his eyes as well, he began at the top and drew the curve along the back of Hoseok’s hand, attempting to be as accurate as possible. It was a beautiful curve and he could imagine himself impersonating it easily, bending his body to accommodate.

“I do. But you didn’t get the point.” Removing his hand from under Hyungwon’s finger, the blonde man took his wrist and placed his hand on the side of the cello. “Close your eyes.”

Hyungwon did, inhaling deeply to calm himself down and focus on the sensations under his fingertips. A few seconds passed before Hoseok’s warm palm touched the back of his hand and moved it down, over the curve of the instrument before guiding it up again. It was cool and smooth.

“And now you have to feel it, concentrate on your fingertips, what it feels like,” Hoseok whispered while shuffling until the whole instrument vibrated in a low note that he could feel with his fingers and palm. The musician must’ve taken the bow and slid it over one of the strings.

Hyungwon gasped, sensing how the vibrations moved through his whole body and centered in his chest, remaining even when the instrument was perfectly still in his hands.

“Do it again,” he whispered and licked over his lips to return the moisture.

Hoseok did, this time a higher note and it felt different, the vibrations and the feeling it conveyed seemed different to the previous note. The blonde man kept his warm hand on top of his, probably to feel the vibrations too.

“Maybe, when I have two chairs, I’ll show you how it feels when it’s alive.”

“It’s so much like you,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed, sensing how the instrument moved too because of the shift in his legs. “It feels safe but fragile.”

“It’s my ability to speak. My communication skills, my strategy to deal with my emotions. Everything.” The warmth disappeared from his hand and Hoseok got up, carefully lifting the weight from his shoulder and putting the instrument back to its blue case.

“Then it is similar to the way I feel about dancing, only that there is nothing to put all those emotions into, nothing you can grasp with your fingers and feel.” He stood up and sighed, a little disappointed that he couldn’t show Hoseok how much it meant to him and what it was able to do for him and his lack of expressive ability.

_ But you can show him, there is something physical, there is you. _

“Let me try to show you,” he whispered and slowly moved closer, reaching out for the blonde man’s palms and pulling them towards him. Hyungwon placed them on his flat chest at first while he returned tension to his muscles to get in formation, to add the expression that dance was able to fill his body with. Then he let them slip lower, stopping at his waist and keeping the warm fingers there as he smiled briefly and closed his eyes. Reclining backwards, he curved his spine and simply trusted Hoseok to keep a hold of him, to take care of him as he let go. His eyes remained shut as his hands reached out and touched the floor, stroking along it with his fingers. Next he changed balance by lifting one leg and carefully wrapping it around the other man’s body, holding on tightly. Hyungwon imagined that he was a bird about to fly, holding on to a small branch as it brushed over it and spread its wings.

The soft touch of Hoseok’s hands turned into a grip as the other man gasped, voice low, probably freaked out by the proximity. But he held him, Hoseok did.

“What… what am I supposed to do?”

“Touch me,” he whispered and lifted his arms above his head, fingers spread like fans. He loved the way Hoseok’s body felt within the grip of his leg, muscular and firm. The musician was so strong, like he could just take him and throw him into the air, make him fly in a matter of seconds without Hyungwon having to be afraid. He wanted to express all those emotions, to have the blonde man feel them through his fingertips, through the way his body trembled. “I’m the physical object, instead of a cello I have myself to change and vibrate, to express. Can you- can you feel it?”

“Yes.” Hoseok's whisper was barely noticeable but Hyungwon could hear it, could feel it around his waist and through the flexing of the other man's thighs. “But I can't dance, I'm scared that you'll fall or that I'll hurt you- I don't want to grab you like this, doesn't it hurt?”

Hyungwon shook his head, eyes still closed and hands slowly returning to his body, stroking along his own chest until they reached Hoseok’s palms and he pressed down, applying more pressure.

“It’s the opposite, it makes me feel safe,” he replied and exhaled softly, enjoying the sensation of warmth around his middle. The way he wrapped his leg around the cellist’s body tightened and he used his grip to pull himself up, near enough to wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and stay connected as his other leg remained pointed downwards. It felt comfortable and he enjoyed it, inhaling the delicious scent. “You don’t need to dance to feel it, to perceive how my body changes and what it can do. You only need to touch to know.”

“But… I can also watch you, it's nice to see how gorgeous you look when you dance to what I play, do I have to touch you to know?” Hoseok chewed on his lips, light peach coloured blush spreading on his cheeks.

_ You also needed to touch to know. _

“The vibrations of your cello, the way they sink right into my chest and tingle along my fingertips, I can only feel that when I touch it,” he replied and was careful with his motions again, remembering that Hoseok was sensitive to touch. He didn’t want to hurt the musician, so he held on with his legs, keeping their bodies close, but slowed down his hands, the way they travelled along his exposed neck and the fine hair at his nape. Hyungwon wanted to kiss every inch of exposed skin, but he didn’t, he stroked over the blonde hair instead, repeatedly to make it pleasant for Hoseok.

“But my cello doesn't move, you can touch it, and you move all the time, I can only feel it when I move along with you but I can't dance so I won't know.” As soon as Hoseok realized that he wouldn't fall the grip turned into a light touch, a feather stroking over his waist.

“But you could move with me, Hoseok, it’s possible,” he replied quietly and let his leg slip down until he stood in front of the blonde man, still close enough to have their bodies touch and to feel the hot hands at his waist. Smiling, Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s neck and held onto his hips instead, moving them to the side as he did the same and giggled lightly. It was really nice.

“I think my cello moves better than me, I'm only used to sitting and lifting weights, is this… is this relevant for the project?” the blonde man mumbled and attempted to free himself half heartedly.

“It is if it makes you smile,” Hyungwon replied and tried again, swinging his hips to the side and trying to make Hoseok move too. He didn’t have enough strength to have much of an effect, so he pouted and held onto Hoseok’s neck again. Then he jumped up and pressed his body against the musician’s chest, hoping that he was going to hold him bridal style before his muscles gave out.

“Oh God, Hyungwon, what are you doing?” Hoseok's hands wrapped around his thighs and back, preventing him from falling. “Can't you do that with Nana, or whatever his name is? He seemed experienced with this.”

Hyungwon burst out laughing at the wrong nickname, remembering the lion king girl that had sexy time with Simba in the forest and rolled around through water and random weeds. It really didn’t fit Nunu, because she was being reasonable and told Simba to be king.

_ But so is Nunu. _

“Oh my god, what if he’s really like Nana from the Lion King?” he exclaimed and held on tighter, wiggling his legs a little. Hoseok’s grip was amazing and he wanted to stay there forever, feel weightless. “He’s Nunu, Son Hyunwoo, but Nana from the movie was also all responsible. But she also had sexy time in the jungle and Nunu is too shy for that.” Hyungwon gasped again in excitement. “Oh, Hoseok, you are so strong, please squish me and never let go.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about and I also don't know what you are doing, I'm only here to play cello, why do I have to carry you? You… you just feel like a human and you're not even dancing.” Suddenly the blonde man walked towards the chair and sunk down, leaving him on the chair and attempted to get back up.

Hyungwon wrapped himself around Hoseok as well as he could, unwilling to let go yet. It was too nice and made him feel so calm.

“Please don’t let go, it makes me feel really happy. Do you want me to stop feeling like a human? Should I be a cello again? I can, but please don’t let go.” Whimpering, he dug his face into the crook of Hoseok’s neck and shook his head furiously to show he didn’t want to let go, not at all.

“But you have other people to hug, why pick me who gets freaked out? Is it funny?” The dark eyes settled on his and the eye contact made him uncomfortable because it was so close.

“No- it’s-” he stuttered, unable to think under pressure and with his heart beating furiously. He didn’t know the answer to anything, he only knew that he wanted to hug and Hoseok was perfect, safe.

_ That’s it. _

“You make me feel safe, like nobody can hurt me when you hug me,” he whispered and buried his face again, inhaling the familiar scent, just like the shirt that he had at home and hugged sometimes.

“Why would anybody want to hurt you? You're safe without me hugging you.” Hoseok reached for his head but probably didn't know what to do and let it sink on top of his hair instead.

“I don’t know, it’s- it’s a feeling. I don’t know why I feel it, Hoseok, I don’t know anything,” Hyungwon muttered and rubbed his nose over the warm skin of the blonde man’s neck, enjoying how soft it was. There was no real answer, he just got scared all the time and hugging made it better. “They say mean things, but when you hug me like this it feels like I can’t even hear them, there is just your hot hands on me and the soft breaths tickling my neck, nothing else.”

“I don't know why people would say mean things. Well, I did tell you to leave me the fuck alone, but still you want to hug me. I don't get it. Are you scared now?” Hoseok asked and stroked over his hair gently. It was nice and helped him relax, shoulders lowering and breaths that had been ragged turning slower. Hyungwon hadn’t even realized that he reacted that way, overly excited and shaking in the blonde man’s hold.

_ But what happened? _

He didn’t know, he was bad with triggers. Something must have made him sad and in the end he wrapped around Hoseok and hoped for the feeling to disappear.

“I don’t know, Hoseok, I just feel strange and like hugging you will make me okay again. I’m sorry, I never make any sense and I don’t know what’s happening with me either. Sometimes it’s a small thing that makes me sad, just a look that I misunderstood and then I am falling apart like this, in need of bodily contact to get better.” He squeezed his eyes shut and wiggled his fingers quickly while counting numbers, hoping that it helped too, maybe even more than the hug did. It didn’t, the hand stroking his hair helped, relaxing him slowly. “You don’t need to do this, you can leave me here and I’ll curl up, cry and be okay again. I promise.”

“Why would I leave you alone to cry? Just… just hug me then, but I don't know what kind of hug you need.” Again the warm palm brushed over his head carefully.

“Just squeeze me really tight, enough to push the air out of my lungs,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed his lips to Hoseok’s exposed collarbone. It felt really nice against his lips, smooth and warm. He wanted to lick it too, but he was scared of being let go then, so he didn’t.

The blonde man exhaled at the sensation of his lips and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, gradually tightening the embrace.

“You have to tell me when it's too much. This… this BDSM thing you like or whatever it's called, I'm not really familiar and also not fond of it.”

_ Huh? _

The comment confused him and Hyungwon wondered if that was what Hoseok wanted of him, but there was no real connection.

_ Maybe he doesn’t know? You could help him understand. _

“BDSM means something else, Hoseok, that is if you were to undress me, tie me up, maybe whip me, combine pain with pleasure and enjoy the way I look and feel from the inside while doing all that. Or the other way around, if I’d tie you up and play with toys until you beg or something. It’s different than squeezing me tight. This is really sweet and innocent, like hugging a teddy bear and loving it so much that you need to squeeze more. This is perfect, absolutely perfect and you don’t need to do any BDSM.”

“Oh god, just stop talking, please,” Hoseok whined and pulled him flush against his chest, squeezing the air out of his lungs. Hyungwon gasped and turned into jelly in the other man’s hold. It was perfect so he relaxed, closed his eyes and let himself be squished while trying to space out and recharge. He couldn’t help but wish that Hoseok was always there, taking care of him and playing cello while he danced. He wanted to see his smile too, but he couldn’t now, not when Hoseok was blushing and his heart was hammering against Hyungwon’s shoulder.

_ You have to calm him down and show him how nice it is. _

Later, he would have to do that later.

 

***

 

A few days had passed since he had hugged Hyungwon in the dance studio, proximity overwhelming and blood rushing through his ears, sound deafening and resembling a tsunami that hit him all of a sudden when he least expected it. He had also dreamt weird things, like being on an island and fleeing from an earthquake with the black-haired dancer, making sure that the other man was safe and hovering over him while the building they were in crumbled down over him, stones hitting his back.

_ What are those superhero fantasies, Hoseok? _

It was embarrassing, really, but he couldn’t force himself not to dream, could he? Instead he used his best strategy: avoidance. The only problem was that they still didn’t have a performance and the date was coming closer and closer.

Hoseok tried to shake off the useless thoughts and stared at his reflection in the mirror instead. He looked good, light blue suit and his favorite shirt that Hyungwon had fixed, hair styled and revealing his forehead and his undercut, a little black shining through the blonde. He needed to dye it again.

“Are you going to get married?” Kihyun asked, leaning against the doorframe and chewing gum with his mouth open.

“No. I need to have pictures taken for the posters and flyers. They always ask me, even if I’m not performing. Well, this time I am, so I have to go. With him.” Hoseok pointed at his cello and grinned. Kihyun hated it when he talked about his instrument as if it was a person.

“Maybe you can make out with it. Would be awesome and very authentic. Have you seen Hyungwon around? Or did he find someone else to have fun with because he realized that you’re timid? What about the performance?”

His heart stopped at the mention of the dancer’s name and he hoped that his best friend couldn’t see it. 

_ He can’t see your heartbeat, Hoseok. _

“Uh, we met on Friday and he danced and I played. His movements are… quite interesting. We might be able to create something, but we didn’t meet over the weekend. I have to write him so we get this over with. And I’m not timid, I’m just not interested in being touchy.” The words pulled on the memory of Hyungwon’s slim body that lost muscle tension in his arms, almost melting into him and spreading warmth along his clothed skin. Warmth spread over his face in an instant and he turned to his laptop, clicking pointlessly.

“Aha. I saw him making out with a black-haired dude at the club yesterday. He looked like he was having a lot of fun. I’d also prefer making out with Nunu instead of hanging around with you, no offence.” Brushing his hair back, Kihyun grinned and pushed himself away from the doorframe.

_ He made out with a dude? So he does prefer men. Or whoever is there. _

“Because you are an average singer and feel the need to compensate for your mediocre skills by getting physical rewards to feel better,” Hoseok replied and jumped from the chair, grabbing his case at high speed before Kihyun was able to get close enough to hit him.

“I’ll kill you,” he heard his best friend yell behind him, but he was faster, even with his huge cello case.

_ He deserved it. _

Suddenly his mind provided him with an image of Hyungwon touching someone, curling his big hands around their neck, placing kisses against it and wrapping his long legs around their hips. Groaning loudly, Hoseok threw his head back. He didn’t want to think about it and he didn’t want to imagine it. He didn’t even like touching, why would he think about Hyungwon touching someone? God.

After he arrived at the photo studio, he put his case to the side and greeted the photographer. She already knew him, so he kept it short.

“This time you’re shooting with someone, can’t wait to see how the dynamic will be.” 

Hoseok opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman in disbelief. He didn’t know that he was supposed to shoot with someone else.

“Uhm, I thought I’d be alone?” 

“No, he’s getting his makeup done because he said he can’t take pictures without looking decent.” The woman giggled and gestured towards the dressing rooms.

“What?” Hoseok couldn’t believe that he had to take pictures with another person, his day was over, his mood was ruined and he wanted to hit someone with his cello case. Not the cello because it was precious.

“Hoseok!” he heard an excited voice from the dressing rooms as Hyungwon’s familiar face appeared in front of him, bright smile spreading his plump lips and brown eyes wide. It didn’t take a second for the black-haired man to come closer and wrap his arms around his neck, squeezing tightly before letting go unexpectedly. Somehow Hoseok would have expected him to remain attached until the end of time.

The dancer was wearing bordeaux suit pants and a fitted black shirt, emphasizing his slim body and waist. His lips were darker too, a vibrant red that fit the light blush on his cheeks. He looked really healthy.

“I’m so happy that it’s you!” Hyungwon exclaimed again and jumped up and down a few times, long fingers still holding on to his forearm.

“Fuck my life. I never take pictures with other people,” he murmured and stepped back a little.

“Oh, you're close, it will be easy then. Hoseok, you can sit on the chair, you don't need your cello, we will take Hyungwon, you told me that you're a dancer, right? We can do some really cool shots.” The woman smiled at Hyungwon and he felt completely lost. Why wouldn't he need his cello?

“But take the bow,” the photographer added and started setting up equipment.

“Oh my god, I can be the cello, right?” Hyungwon yelled excitedly and jumped up and down again until he accidentally pulled his black shirt from his suit pants and pouted at the photographer. Walking over to Hoseok, he pointed at his groin briefly and lifted his arms to face height. “Fix it for me?”

His eyes followed the gesture and he stared between Hyungwon's legs before his face started burning and he looked up.

“Fix it yourself,” Hoseok shot out and took out his bow before walking towards the chair and sitting down. “I don't like the idea, I want my cello,” he murmured and threw his head back in frustration.

“It's okay, he'll be perfect as a cello, Hoseok. Just do what I tell you to do. You're a musician and I'm a photographer. I don't tell you how to play, so you just be nice and comply. Hyungwon you can sit on his thigh, head on his shoulder and hands between your legs, holding onto his knee, ok?” Hoseok almost had a heart attack after hearing the description and lifted the bow, mouth open and trying to come up with a nice way of saying that there was no fucking way he would take pictures like this.

Before he knew it, he felt Hyungwon’s behind on his thigh and long fingers on his knee, squeezing a little.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll take care of you,” the dancer whispered and leaned his head back against his shoulder. “Imagine that I am your cello, Hoseok. Not Hyungwon, but your cello, ready to be played.” Shifting a little bit, Hyungwon contracted his muscles to remain in place and become rigid, unmoving as he sat on top of him. Black hair tickled his shoulder and neck.

His breathing frequency increased and he could feel his heartbeat hammering against Hyungwon's back. Shit, he had no idea how he was supposed to get through this.

“Perfect. Now you have to curl your hand around his neck carefully, don't choke him, just as you would put your fingers on the fingerboard, okay? Then the bow against his middle.” The demands got ridiculous and his eyes widened while he mouthed curses for his own satisfaction before reaching for the dancer's long neck and touching the warm skin with his fingertips. It felt soft and he rather liked the sensation.

“I… I have to change the chord,” he whispered and let his fingers run over Hyungwon's bare neck before arranging them in a different formation. The dancer on top of him didn’t reply, remaining rigid but warm against him, only the long fingers on his knee squeezed twice, as if to reassure him that it was okay.

“Yes, perfect. Now you only need to look as if you're about to play because you look uncomfortable, but imagine him being your cello, Hoseok. You can do it. You can close your eyes.” The woman walked over and arranged his hand with the bow the way she wanted it.

Hyungwon exhaled slowly, unable to hold his breath any longer and Hoseok could feel the change of weight on top of him as the dancer’s body became rigid again, turning into an instrument, a cello.

Hoseok closed his eyes and tried to imagine that the warm person in his arms was his friend made out of curved wood. His fingers stroked over the fingerboard gently, integrating the warmth as part of the cello. The bow touched the middle and he opened his eyes, blinded by the flash that repeated for a few more times even after he closed his eyes.

“God, this is perfect. You both are perfection.” The woman came closer to fix his bangs and smiled. “Okay and now that Hyungwon was your cello you should become his music. Get up.”

The cello didn't move and remained as a cello, on his lap. The only difference was that the cello was breathing, middle rising and falling rapidly and long fingers strengthening the grip pon his knee.

“I love it when you play me,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly and turned his head to inhale his scent. Hoseok jerked as the dancer turned when he was watching the curve of his neck and stared right into his eyes. Holy shit.

“I have to become music, get up.” Hoseok removed his hand from the other man's neck and shifted forward while Hyungwon shifted backwards, so that he pressed his lower body into the other man who didn't make any attempts to move. A loud gasp left his lips and he tried to push the other man down from his thigh.

“Sorry,” Hyungwon commented and giggled loudly as he finally stood up from his lap and rubbed over his own, slim thighs. “Please be my music.”

Blinking a few times, he finally collected himself and got up, putting his bow back into the case and feeling completely out of place. How the hell was he supposed to become music? He could only become music while playing.

“Should I play?” he asked, staring at the photographer who giggled. He wanted to go home.

“No, I want you to move him. Take him and move him, like music does and I'll take pictures.” Hoseok wanted the ground to swallow him.

“Like before,” Hyungwon whispered and stretched out his hand with a smile. “Imagine that I am a mannequin and you are deciding what my body is. A marionette.”

“If you were a marionette, I'd let you be,” he replied and hesitated taking Hyungwon's hand. “I can't dance, Hyungwon and I can only make music when I play cello, but it's lying in my case and my mind is blank.”

“Okay, look, you just have to imagine that he's a mass that's attracted to you, reacts to your movements, gestures, that he'll move towards you if you beckon him, bends when you push him away and wraps around you if you spread your arms. Try it out. Close your eyes and try it out.” The woman's voice sounded dull in his head and he felt how everything was getting too much and he closed his eyes, spreading his arms.

The response was immediate as warm arms wrapped around his neck and he could feel a slim leg around his hips, holding on tightly. Warm breaths tickled his neck as the dancer acted on his own, as if Hoseok had called for him, pulling him into his embrace by spreading his arms alone.

“I'm all yours like this,” Hyungwon whispered and he could feel the black-haired man lean back but still hold onto him with his leg. Fingers danced over his shoulder and caressed his neck. He opened his eyes and stared into Hyungwon's brown orbs before curling one arm around the dancer's waist and lifting his other hand, pushing his slim chest away from himself and forcing him to bend.

A smile danced over Hyungwon's lips and he followed the motion easily, showing off his slim waist and brushing over his chest with his left arm. The right was already stretched out in a beautiful gesture, reaching for something undefined.

“Hold me with one arm, just like this,” the low voice whispered as Hyungwon loosened his grip a little, slipping lower to the ground. It almost felt like Hoseok was the one to save him from drowning. If this was drowning then he knew what to do and reached for the dancer's face that moved away from him and managed to brush over his cheek. It felt interesting to touch as if it was something natural, but he was doing it for the camera, wasn't he?

He could feel a gasp against his hands and the way Hyungwon's body trembled in his hold. The dancer opened his eyes and looked at him, gaze intense and affectionate. He seemed surprised by the touch and lifted his own hand to his face, covering Hoseok's carefully. Long fingers danced over the back of his hand tenderly and slipped in between the spaces of his digits. It felt unusual, warm and exciting.

Hoseok used the grip to pull the dancer back, but miscalculated the strength of his movement, so that Hyungwon's face stopped a few centimetres in front of his face, leg tightening around his hips. He could feel the other man exhale against his nose and stopped breathing, one hand still wrapped around the thin waist and the fingers of his other hand intertwined with Hyungwon's. He felt hot, so fucking hot.

“You're beautiful,” Hyungwon whispered and suddenly placed a kiss on his cheek, smiling brightly and turning the distance between them into dust. The black-haired man had no feeling for personal space, no impression of what was right or wrong, bridging it easily and kissing his nose next. The dancer’s slim fingers kept brushing over his, holding on like he wanted to feel his palm on his warm cheek. He held his breath until his lungs burned and he finally dared to inhale, gaze focused on the dancer’s soft features that were so close that he had to suppress a gasp.

“Why?” he whispered, before the photographer pulled him out of his stupor by clapping and laughing joyfully.

“This is perfect. We're done. This was definitely my best shoot. You guys have an amazing chemistry, I didn't think that at first, especially knowing Hoseok, but wow. Just wow. You can go, the posters will be finished in two days after the director gives his okay.”

_ Your dad will see it. _

“Oh my God. Please don't use any picture that can be misunderstood,” he begged and suddenly let go of Hyungwon, stepping closer to the photographer instead.

“Don't worry. He asked me to make it artistic and interesting. I'm just doing my job.”

His heartbeat still hammered against his chest as he turned and looked in the direction of the black-haired dancer.

Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek and fumbling with his fingers while examining him intently, big eyes not leaving his face for even a second. The dancer’s gaze was so different from before, almost like he was holding himself on a leash.

“You made me forget that we're taking photos,” he murmured and his cheeks looked even healthier than they had before they started shooting.

“I forgot too,” he admitted and sighed. Lying to others or himself wasn't his forte. “You…” Hoseok attempted to say something nice, “did a decent job.” Giving compliments was apparently not his forte either. “You… you moved beautifully and… yeah.” There was nothing he could have said to save the situation, so he shook his head at himself and went to his case, pulling it on his back and smiling awkwardly.

“Thank you! I'm happy that you like how I move. I can move even better than that though! I could show you, with splits and everything!” Hyungwon exclaimed and unbuttoned the first three buttons of his shirt, just like that. “You're so strong, I really like it. Your face is beautiful and your smile makes my heart beat really fast, like- du dum du dum du dum.” Smiling brightly, the black-haired man used the fact that his shirt was opened and pushed his hand into it, holding it over his heart and making heartbeat motions.

He had no idea what he was supposed to say, because the thing with the heart sounded familiar.

“Mine too,” he murmured and waved quickly, yelling his goodbyes to the photographer who went to a different room to look at the pictures. Allowing himself a glance at Hyungwon for the last time, he smiled and slipped through the door,exhaling sharply as soon as it was closed safely behind him.

“Where are you going?” he heard as the dancer was quicker and popped up in front of him again, like a hallucination that just didn’t want to leave. “I’m happy we feel the same, that’s really cool. I love feeling it when other people’s heartbeats are quick. Is yours quick now? Can I feel it? Or can I make it quick?”

“I'm going crazy,” he whispered, disbelieving that Hyungwon wouldn't let him leave. “I… wanted to go home. Let's, I don't know, make another appointment and meet  to practice the performance.” He was scared that the other man could magically see or feel his heartbeat that was attempting to play drums inside his chest.

“Oh, so I can’t come with you? Are you busy? Or- oh, do you want to be alone? That’s okay, I know that people want to be alone sometimes!” Hyungwon nodded to himself furiously and stepped back, as if he thought being alone meant to be there but five centimeters further away. “We can meet to practice too. Have you decided what kind of cello you want me to be? I thought of a few really beautiful movements I could do as your cello and I practised standing on the tiptoes of one leg for longer to make sure that I look like a cello! Your cello!”

“I… I think it is a lot for me to think about, so let's meet up later, okay?” He finally lifted his gaze and smiled a little. “You are making me nervous. I don't think friends should do that.”

“Oh, yes, I guess.” Hyungwon looked a little disappointed but nodded at his words, chewing on his cheek while attempting to hide his hands in pockets that weren’t even there. The suit pants didn’t have any so his palms slipped along the smooth fabric but he didn’t stop trying, even after the fifth attempt. “Just write to me then and- I guess I will see you around. Or on posters, on posters will also be nice. I am sorry for making you nervous, I tend to do that, but I am also good at changing that later, but you don’t want me close so- so I will just go home now and you can do whatever you planned. I am sorry for making you nervous again.” The dancer’s eyes were quick as they jumped back and forth until they finally focused on his face, at least it vaguely looked like his face. 

“Bye,” the black-haired man muttered quickly and turned around, running into a direction that Hoseok was pretty sure didn’t lead to his dorm.

_ Were you mean again? _

“Wait, Hyungwon, wait!” He ran after the tall man before finally overtaking him and spreading his arms, so he would finally stop walking. “Did I make you sad? I didn't mean to.”

“W-what?” The black-haired man looked really confused and stared at him, but there wasn’t really much of a facial expression. It looked strange. “No- no I am not sad, I am just- I don’t know. I’m trying to go home after my plans changed. I tend to struggle with that, but I’ll get there eventually. I know I can be too much for some people and I am really attached and hang on peoples’ legs and they wiggle and wiggle, but I just don’t stop sticking, so- yeah, I’ll not stick and be a good boy. I’ll go home and give you a break, so that you’ll want to see me again. You’ll want to see me again, right? Later, when you’re feeling better and not nervous anymore?”

He felt so bad suddenly, that he reached for Hyungwon's shoulder and brushed over it carefully, smiling in apology. Not everybody was like Kihyun and could handle his sentiments.

“I'll take you home. It's in the other direction,” Hoseok murmured and turned the other man around, pushing him forward.

“Oh,” Hyungwon whispered, but simply moved along, one foot placed in front of the other automatically while the black-haired man didn’t really look at anything at all, staring into thin air. “Thank you, one needs to say thank you when people do something nice. You’re nice, you always do things for me. I’m thankful, really thankful, so thank you.”

_ He isn't okay, is he? _

Stepping forward, he pulled Hyungwon to the wall and moved a little closer, trying to see whether the other man's facial expression was normal.

“Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?”

“I don’t know, I’m a little confused,” the dancer replied and sighed, head suddenly snapping backwards and hitting the wall. Hyungwon didn’t even wince and only stared up at the sky, breathing calmly and curling his fingers in succession while mouthing numbers. “Something threw me off again, but I don’t know what it was. I never fucking know what it is. I probably just got sensitive again and scared that you don’t like me. I’m sorry, just let me stand here for a bit and I’ll figure it out eventually, you don’t need to do anything.”

“I might say mean things, but I definitely won't ‘leave you here’ until it ‘gets better eventually’.” Sighing, he spread his arms hesitantly, unsure how he was supposed to hug Hyungwon, tight, or the way he had while they had their pictures taken. “How would you like to be hugged?”

_ But what if he doesn't want to be hugged? _

_ Oh God. _

“Oh, you don't have to hug me, it was just something I remembered, but it doesn't mean that you want it, right? What… uh what would help you feel better? I would piggyback you but I have my cello.” Hoseok let his arms sink to his sides.

Hyungwon glanced around for a few moments until his big eyes suddenly settled on Hoseok’s face, staring right at him as a smile spread his plump lips.

“Tight,” he whispered and stepped closer, close enough to have the tips of their noses touch because the dancer leaned down, eliminating the height difference between them. “As tight as you can.”

“I'll crush your bones,” he murmured and reached for Hyungwon's shoulders, carefully wrapping his arms around them and pulling the tall man against his chest. As soon as he was close, Hoseok tightened his embrace gradually, until he realized that Hyungwon would have trouble breathing if he continued and kept the hold instead. “Like this?”

“It’s perfect,” the dancer breathed out and leaned his head on his shoulder, unable to hug back because his arms were caught in between and merely standing in his tight embrace.

“I'm glad,” Hoseok whispered, ignoring a few glances from students who walked past them. “I'm sorry for throwing you off,” he added, because it seemed that his behaviour had an effect on the black-haired man. He was so different from what Kihyun told him and from what he had seen in the club. Maybe Hoseok was someone who made him unhappy? Then they definitely shouldn't be friends.

_ You're both too different. _

“It’s okay, I don’t even know if it was you or something else. It could have been because I hoped we could do something nice after the photoshoot. You made me feel so much during it and I am greedy, I wanted more and don’t know when it’s enough. I keep wanting more until I explode.” Hyungwon’s exhales were hot against his skin as the black-haired man finally lifted his hands and placed them on Hoseok’s hips, stroking over his hip bones with his thumbs.

“Are you okay now? I'll take you home and play Adagio for you, it always calms me down and then I'll go home.” His heartbeat picked up and he held his breath because of the touch that felt intense. “There's no reason to want more from me, Kihyun said I’m timid, but I’m not interested, it's two different things, you know? I also heard that you had fun yesterday? Don't you… get enough touching then? Is it about touch?”

“Yesterday?” Hyungwon lifted his head and looked a little confused, lips pursed. The expression stayed for a few moments until he must have remembered. “Ah, sex is something different, Hoseok. Touching calms me down because I like the feeling of being squeezed, there is nothing but that extreme sensation and I can turn off my brain. I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but it’s like you turn off my senses and there is only the warmth of your arms. It’s really nice and when my head is overheating it’s perfect. Sex is different, sex is about pleasure and about moving and about making sure I feel good and since it’s mutual also making sure that the other person feels good. It’s much more complicated because I can’t space out or lose my shit for sex.”

_ Oh God, he didn't only make out. _

“Uh, great. So you want me to be your squeeze friend? But isn't your other friend your squeeze friend? I don't understand what I'm good for? I have the feeling that I'm making you unhappy with things I say but I'm always honest so I have no idea what else to say.” Hoseok sighed and loosened his embrace a little.

“But being honest is good, I am scared of people that aren’t honest, but you always tell me the truth, so I feel safe with you. Also you’re very broad and muscular and I feel even safer. I am tall, but I like to feel small and taken care of. I don’t really know where it comes from, but that’s how it is.” The dancer shrugged and smiled a little, expressions slowly returning and bringing his face back to life. “Nunu is my childhood friend, somebody who has always been there and I wouldn’t call him my squeeze friend because he simply learned how to calm me down, that’s why he holds me a lot. But he also doesn’t make me feel so many things when he looks at me and strokes over my face, so you’re different. You’re a special friend. Oh, I know! A feelings friend.”

_ A feelings friend? _

“Oh. Okay. Let's go then, so I can play Adagio for you and go home. I'm a little sad that I took the cello and didn't play.” Removing his arms, Hoseok stepped back.

“That sounds amazing!” Hyungwon exclaimed and wrapped his fingers around his wrist, pulling him along, but this time in the right direction. The switch was so strange, like the black-haired man had a battery that emptied really quickly and needed a hug to be recharged. Hoseok had never met a person like that before. “Maybe Nunu will be there too, he can listen and see how good you are. I cannot believe that he’s never heard you play before! We have snacks too, do you like snacks? Do you have a favourite type? Mine are the shrimp ones, because it tastes amazing and like shrimp.”

“I almost vomited when I saw the package,” he commented and grinned. “I don't eat snacks. We're as different as it goes, I guess.”

“What do you like to eat then? I hope not green vegetables because those are the worst. I hate celery the most, it’s disgusting, has a disgusting color and also crunches disgustingly. Ew.” The dancer shook his head furiously as if he needed to get rid of the image and hurried up the stairs as soon as they reached the dorm.

“I love it. Next time you want to touch me I'll fight you with a celery stick.” Hoseok laughed loudly and couldn't believe that they were complete opposites. “I really like vegetables and meat but don't like anything that seems like it came out of a chemical production plant. You'll die if you only eat snacks. I can't believe you're a stick when you don't eat anything healthy.” Gesturing at Hyungwon's body, he grinned.

“I-” The black-haired man’s eyes widened comically and he stopped walking, staring at him in shock, “I really won’t be able to touch you if you- fight me with a celery stick. Please don’t, I’ll be good, I promise! I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to and everytime my body comes near you I’ll make sure it’s tender and feels good, but please don’t fight me with a celery stick.” Hyungwon sounded desperate as he stepped closer and rubbed his hands together, chewing on his bottom lip furiously like he was genuinely terrified of Hoseok doing something as pointless and ridiculous as fighting anybody with a vegetable.

“You're so weird sometimes, but you move like a string, a string that escaped from an instrument and turned dynamic and flexible. It's beautiful to watch.” Saying it made him nervous even though he usually never bothered with whatever he said. There was no point because he didn't really care what others thought about his opinion.

“I can wrap around you too,” Hyungwon replied and winked at him, visibly relieved as he continued to sprint up the stairs, stopping at the second floor. “You’ve never been here, right? Last time you brought me right in front of the door piggyback, but you didn’t want to come in.”

“Yeah. Let's see if I have a mental breakdown because you're a pig.” Hoseok ignored the comment about wrapping around him and prepared for the worst.

“Oh, I’m not a pig, pigs have dicks that are all curled like their tails. I obviously don’t,” the dancer commented nonchalantly and opened the door with a key that he pulled out of his jacket, fumbling a little until he managed.

“Please shut up,” Hoseok groaned and entered the room after the dancer opened the door.

The room was exactly like his and Kihyun’s, one to the left and another to the right with a tiny hallway in the middle and a toilet and a sink at the side, no more, no less. He could see into Hyungwon’s room because the dancer immediately threw the door open and took off his shoes, carelessly discarding them next to the entrance door. All of his furniture was black, a strong contrast with the white walls. However, there wasn’t much furniture in the first place, a single bookshelf, a tiny table, a single bed and a black and white carpet in the middle. It wasn’t really messy, rather the opposite, even the pens were sorted according to color and lay in a geometrical line on the black desk.

_ Wow.  _

_ It's like a chessboard. The question is: are you playing with black or with white? _

But on the other hand it could also be piano keys. He would like that more.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I won’t take off my underwear!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 15th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon was excited. There were a few things that made him very happy, dancing and being squished were definitely very high up on that list. It wasn't really a list that he had written down, but he knew it by heart because he thought about it often enough.

_ He's finally visiting you! _

Throwing his shoes to the side as he always did, he jumped to the middle of his dorm room and turned a few times in a smooth circle, making sure to fixate a single spot to not get dizzy. Currently that spot was the bright blotch of blue colour from Hoseok's cello case. The musician was going to play cello for him, just for him, in his dorm room. It felt really special, so Hyungwon giggled loudly and did a headstand, hoping that the blood would return to his brain in the process. He really needed it.

_ You still don't know why you were so confused just now. Is it because he didn't want to spend time with you? _

His brain was a mess sometimes. He knew that his manner of talking and interacting could be tiring, but still he got hurt each time somebody told him.

“Nunu?” he yelled while still standing on his head. It didn't seem like his friend was there, not even his shoes stood in their designated spot and he also hadn’t slept in Hyungwon's bed.

_ He's practising for his finals all the time. _

“He's not here,” he commented with a pout and lay down on the ground, watching Hoseok intently. “But maybe you can come again some other time and play for him.”

Hoseok stared at him with his mouth open before shaking his head in something that resembled disbelief.

“He can come to one of my performances and you're completely nuts, aren't you? Let me just play for you once and then you can continue standing on your head when I'm gone.” The cellist looked around and walked towards the chair, unpacking the instrument and sitting down, back straight and bow ready.

“When are your performances? I would really like to know, but they don't promote them in our department. I only stood on my head to get my senses back, now I'm okay!” Smiling brightly, Hyungwon jumped up from the carpet and hoped that Hoseok didn't mind his tiny chair. He had tried to have more space for his body in his dorm room and less for furniture. Actually, he felt so happy that Hoseok came, that he wanted to become a part of the performance by wrapping around the blonde man's legs like a snake.

_ But he won't be able to play, he said he gets nervous. _

“The chair is not okay. Can I sit on your bed? Also, is there something you want to listen to? I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to play it. Usually you have to pay money to hear me play, but you're a VIP today,” Hoseok commented while sitting down on his bed and spreading his legs to accommodate the cello.

Hyungwon liked the way it looked, how thick Hoseok's thighs were compared to his own and how snuggly the cello fit in between them. The sight distracted him from the question he was supposed to answer and he failed to recall it. He hoped that it was a yes or no question and nodded before sitting down next to Hoseok on the bed. Pulling his long legs towards his chest, he waved his arms to get rid of the abundance of energy.

_ You could watch him for hours and space out. _

The musician was so beautiful with a cello, Hyungwon wanted to brush the blonde hair from his forehead and stroke over his arms and rub his face over the muscular chest. Damn.

“Yeah… and which one? I’m not good at reading thoughts, you know? Or do you want me to play Adagio?” Hoseok’s gaze focused on his face while the bow touched the strings.

_ He wants to know what to play. _

Goosebumps spread over his skin at the soft note and he shuddered at what was about to come.

“What is your favourite piece, Hoseok? Play that for me, I want to see how much you love your cello.”

“I don’t have a favorite piece, but I really like Brahms’ Cello Sonata No.1. It’s sad though.” Exhaling sharply, Hoseok closed his eyes and started playing, stroking the soft notes out of the strings, making them vibrate and filling the space of his dorm room with music that sounded devastating. The other man’s face showed the emotions, mouth pressed together and expression sad.

Hyungwon swallowed as a sensation that he couldn't yet identify spread in his chest, taking over his body and mind. His hands trembled as he wrapped them tighter around his knees in effort to control it and focus on the way the blonde man fused with his instrument, playing it, but also himself. Maybe that was what Hoseok meant when he said that he couldn't separate the entities, that they belonged together.

The music wasn't only sad, it was devastating as emptiness spread in the pit of his stomach and his grip got even tighter to fill it. It didn't work, so he pulled his lips into his mouth and blinked to fight the burning in his eyes. But it was good, it was okay to feel it because it was different. It wasn't the devastation that filled him when somebody hurt him, or the feeling of dread in his chest. The piece that Hoseok played was deeper than that, like it could touch something inside of him that fingers couldn't, an entity in his mind, a soul maybe. It was sad, but also freeing.

_ It's freeing, so it's okay. _

He reached out and let his fingertips touch Hoseok's thigh, carefully and without pressure. He wanted it to be like the music, freeing and tender. If the blonde man also felt like him, like an entity that was difficult to access was suddenly freed, then Hyungwon wanted to help and take care of it, wrap his arms around that entity and treasure it.

Suddenly the other man’s dark eyes focused on him, but Hoseok kept playing, chewing on his lips and watching him intently.

Hyungwon was a simple person, if he wanted to cry, he cried. Feeling the warm liquid on his cheeks, he danced with his fingers only, moving in time with the music over Hoseok's thigh to his knee, only to travel back. The path was an impossibly long one for a pair of fingers, long and thin. They fell to their knees, symbolized through his knuckles and Hyungwon let them do all those things that he wanted to do. To touch, to be close, to grasp what Hoseok was showing, so that it wouldn't be lost and had somebody to take care of it. He could imagine it perfectly, wrapping his arms around the fragile part that Hoseok showed when he played. It was right there, graspable, but nobody dared to reach out because it was hidden behind everything else, the concentration, the moving fingers and the beautiful music.

The melody suddenly changed completely, turning from the devastating solo to soft chords that made him feel positive. It couldn’t have been the same piece and the way Hoseok looked at him hinted at the fact that the other man must’ve decided to cheer him up. The joyful music continued for a bit until the blonde man finished on a high note and let his hand sink to his side, bow touching the floor.

Hyungwon licked over his lips and paused his fingers that had changed their performance, joyful and affectionate instead of desperate. The hot tears on his cheeks cooled down and his hands got more daring, brushing and caressing the blonde man's clothed thigh. Hoseok was so beautiful, touching him with music instead of with his body. Hyungwon wanted to combine the impressions, to add something physical to show that he could take care of it, that he could give back and appreciate it.

“Don’t cry. It’s really hard for me to see,” Hoseok whispered and leaned the instrument against the bed, putting the bow next to it before the dark eyes focused on him again and he reached for his face, removing a tear hesitantly.

“I'm crying because it's so beautiful and sad. I'm happy that you're sharing all this with me. It's so- I can't even describe it. I want to take care of you and make you feel nice and cared for too,” he replied and sniffed once, realizing that his nose was a little blocked from crying. Hoseok's thigh was so hot under his fingertips. 

“But… but I’m fine, I’m not the one crying, am I?” Hoseok smiled. “You really like to touch, it’s interesting how everything always ends in a touch when I’m next to you. As if your other senses are not enough.”

“My other senses can get too much, like when the light is too bright or it's too loud because too many people are talking. That's why I hate cafes. I like it when there's another sense to overshadow everything else and touching does that for me.” Hyungwon smiled back, immediately affected by how gorgeous Hoseok's smile was. It stole his breath away.

He squeezed the other man's thigh briefly before stroking along the whole length. It felt really good against his palm and made him want to sit on top of it, know what it felt like against his own thighs.

“Can I come closer?” he asked and crawled close enough to touch the blonde man's thigh with his knees.

“What do you want to do? As long as you don’t randomly kiss my cheek and nose and freak me out, yes.” He could see Hoseok swallow and lean back a little, dark eyes watching his every movement.

_ That's complicated. _

Hyungwon could promise not to kiss his cheek or nose, but how was he supposed to know what would freak the other man out? It could mean anything. What did he do when he was freaked out? How was Hyungwon supposed to tell? Did he shiver? Have a quick heartbeat? Most people he was close to had a rapid heartbeat because they enjoyed what he was doing.

_ People are so complicated. _

Licking over his lips, he reached for Hoseok's shoulders and threw one of his legs over the blonde man's thighs. They were still spread, so he pulled them together with his own as he sat down. They felt really firm under his butt and thankfully his suit pants were able to deal with the stretch at his groin. That was good.

“This is really nice,” he commented and smiled, head tilted down to watch the musician. Hoseok looked mildly terrified from what he could tell. Eyes wide and curved lips parted, light pink blush spreading over the other man’s cheeks and chest that he could see due to the one button that Hoseok left undone.

“Oh god,” the low voice whispered and the handsome man looked up at him, swallowing once again. “I’ve never had someone sit on top of me.”

_ So he's surprised because it's the first time? The blush must mean that it makes him react, or shy. _

“Do you like it?” Hyungwon asked and rubbed his behind a little over Hoseok's thighs. “Your thighs are really firm and comfortable. They are perfect to sit on! Also, look how different we are!” He pointed downwards to show how slim his own thighs and hips looked on top of the musician.

“Yes. We are basically sun and moon, and we weren’t supposed to meet because we’re the opposite of each other, but then you just sit on me like this. Oh god. Do you even think anything when you do stuff like this? Or is it impulsive?” Hoseok stared at the difference between their thighs and looked to the side, blush staying on his handsome face and heartbeat visible against the soft skin between his collarbones.

“I thought that your thighs feel really nice and firm and that I want to know how they feel against mine. Now I know, they feel really nice, like everything about you.” Suddenly Hyungwon realized that Hoseok had called them the sun and the moon. “That's a really pretty comparison! What am I then? You have blonde hair, are you the sun? Your smile feels like the sun, warming me from the inside.” He giggled and let his hands travel from Hoseok's shoulders to his face, cupping it with his big palms.

“No, you’re the sun because you keep smiling and being positive and happy and bubbly. I’m just here for you to sit on. But well, it’s fine, I kind of got used to the touchiness, there is no other solution when dealing with you, is there?” A pink tongue licked over the curved lips and Hoseok looked like a child, staring up at him with muscular arms propping up against the bed to lean back if necessary. “You are making me nervous. Are you sure that you don’t like me?”

“Of course I like you, I told you. You're beautiful and wonderful and make me feel things and I'd love to just open your shirt and wrap it around me too, being all warm and close.” Hyungwon smiled and rubbed his butt over Hoseok's thighs again until he saw the switch in expression. “But I won't do it!” he added quickly to save the situation.

“But you said you are like this with everyone. I’m not into being close to people for fun. I’m not into being close to anybody at all, so it must be highly frustrating for you. Not that I care, but you should consider sitting on someone who wants you to wrap around them.” Leaning back a little, Hoseok shifted under him, teeth settling on his bottom lip and blush looking like drawn with watercolor on his pretty cheeks. “We also need to come up with a performance and I played for you, so I’m basically done and will go home. Let’s just meet tomorrow or something.”

“Oh, so I have to stand up?” Hyungwon asked and squeezed the blonde man's thighs in between his own. Hoseok's face was hot against his palms and he brushed his thumbs over the smooth skin for as long as he could. “You're so beautiful, Hoseok. As if somebody drew you, your hair, the shape of your lips, your expressive eyebrows. There's so much, how come nobody ever touched you before?”

“Because there's nothing anybody would gain by doing so. You're confusing me, Hyungwon,” the low voice whispered and Hoseok’s gaze didn't leave his face, not even for a instant. “This is a strange friendship we have.”

“A feelings friendship, I like it. I'll be your cello and you'll be my music,” Hyungwon replied cheerfully, remembering the photographer's words. Sliding his hands back to Hoseok's shoulders, he held on and slipped off the musician's lap, pouting a little at the loss of contact. He could have shown Hoseok how nice touching was, but maybe right now wasn't the right time. His emotions were still messy and he probably needed to sleep for a while to recover again.

Hoseok exhaled and stood up, quickly packing his instrument back in the case and pulling it over his back.

“Uhm, well, then see you around?” the cellist murmured awkwardly before pushing the handle and looking at him.

“Yes! Take care, get home well, sleep a lot, continue playing cello nicely and- please write to me,” Hyungwon mumbled before lying down on his bed and wrapping himself up in the blanket like a human burrito

“You can also come over if you like,” Hoseok added and slipped through the door and leaving him alone.

It was really quiet suddenly, so Hyungwon squeezed the blanket as tightly as he could and rubbed his ears over the fabric. The rustling noise that the fabric created was calming, so he continued doing it until his arms grew tired and his consciousness faded away, just like the piece of soul that Hoseok had shown him. It had been there, right in his embrace and now it was gone again.

_

 

“Are you okay?” a low voice sounded next to him, accompanied by a hot embrace and pressure that squeezed the air out of his lungs. It wasn't the best way to wake up, so Hyungwon groaned and wriggled to be set free.

“Oh, I thought you were awake, you pouted,” Nunu commented and let go again, returning the air to his lungs. His friend was quick to react and merely stroked over his head.

“I like pouting, it feels good on my lips,” Hyungwon grumbled and sat up, blinking repeatedly to get used to his surroundings. He was sitting on his bed, still in suit pants and shirt because he had fallen asleep after Hoseok's visit. His head hurt a little, but it wasn't anything major, probably a side effect of his dream.

“What do you want to do? I finished practise for today and Kihyun took me out for dinner. He looked a little conflicted afterwards, so I hope he's not too upset.”

Nunu looked adorable as he glanced to the side awkwardly and shuffled towards their snack collection, opening a package. So much to eating out. Hyungwon could never eat that much, he was lucky when he realized his hunger.

“I want to suck a dick,” he replied and sighed again, long fingers quickly unbuttoning his black shirt and throwing it on the floor.

“Oh- I hope not mine,” his friend remarked awkwardly as his eyes turned bigger and he stopped chewing the snack in his mouth. Maybe that's what Hoseok meant by being nervous, an interruption in his thought process, like ‘boom’ and suddenly he couldn't think anymore.

“Are you still worried because of that one time you fainted when I sat down on you? That was ages ago. It's okay, you take care of me, so I'll take care of you too.” Smiling brightly, Hyungwon took off his suit pants as well and looked through his black cupboard to find something that classified as sexy. “You don't have to be inside of me, Nunu. Let's go dancing.”

Hyunwoo visibly cheered up at that outlook and resumed chewing his snack. His friend was simple and always looked good, he didn't need tight leather pants or a transparent blouse to look good, but Hyungwon did. He had a build up of sexual tension and a need for more intimate touching this time. Luckily he had also slept and possessed the energy to look for it.

“How was the photoshoot with the cellist?” Hyunwoo asked after Hyungwon had applied makeup, styled his hair and did his nails to fit the red colour of his transparent blouse.

“I sat on his thigh and he stroked over my face, it was really nice. He says he's nervous, but I think he might end up enjoying my touches. He always has a quick heartbeat at least.” The memory was nice, so Hyungwon jumped up a little on his way down the stairs.

“Oh, when I ate dinner with Kihyun he told me that Hoseok is a very timid person, so you should be more careful. He's very impressionable.”

_ Huh? _

“What does impressionable mean?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and hurried past a few students that checked them out. Hyungwon looked good and he recognized that gaze anywhere. It was what he was the most familiar with. Clubs were easy, most people wanted the same thing, the question was only whether one was qualified to get it.

“It means that everything you do is super important to him. Maybe you kiss his cheek, but for him it's like a confession on one knee or- well, maybe that's a bad example. It's difficult to explain and I'm not the best person for this. He's- me when we met a long time ago. Remember when I kept fainting because you did things? That.” Hyunwoo scratched over his chin to get rid of awkwardness and glanced to the side.

Hyungwon reflected on that. Nunu was really cute and he had enjoyed showing his friend things that he knew. Why would it be a problem with Hoseok? It was only a problem if Hoseok didn't like the things Hyungwon was doing, right?

Reaching the entrance of the club, Hyungwon's eyes fell on familiar brown hair and a short figure that leaned against the outside wall of the building, enjoying some fresh air.

“Kihyun!” he yelled and ran the last bit, wrapping his arms around the shorter man's neck. “You're also here! Thank you for buying Nunu food, he was all happy but also worried you don't like him anymore!”

Hyunwoo cleared his throat awkwardly like he hoped to change the focus of attention. It didn't really work, but Hyungwon hoped he hadn't said too much.

“Oh, hey. No, it’s fine, I hope he was full afterwards.” Kihyun winked at his friend and hugged back. “Hoseok was so awkward today that I had to take him out, he’s getting drinks.”

“Oh, to bring them outside? Doesn't he want to be inside and dance?” Hyungwon didn't let go and kept his arms around Kihyun's neck, happy that he met somebody he knew. That way Nunu had a little more space for himself. “Wait- Hoseok is here! That's amazing. I was thinking of him.”

The excitement was immediate as he couldn't wait to see Hoseok's smiling face and round eyes. Whatever the musician said, Hyungwon wasn't the sun, the blonde man was, all beautiful and bright.

A few moments passed before he saw the familiar blonde hair as Hoseok walked up the stairs, wearing a dark blue sweatshirt with a v-neck and black skinny jeans. The other man gasped as soon as he arrived at the top, probably recognizing Hyungwon before his expression turned neutral again.

“Oh, you’re here too,” he murmured, handing Kihyun his drink even though he couldn’t take it, still hugging Hyungwon’s waist.

Something about Hoseok's expression made him a little sad. He wasn't good at reading faces, but he didn't need to be an expert to see that there wasn't even the hint of a smile, nothing at all.

“I- yeah,” he whispered and swallowed at the wave of discomfort that washed over him. His hands fumbled with the fabric of Kihyun's shirt and he suddenly wanted to hide somewhere. Pretend he wasn't there in the first place, so Hoseok wouldn't be upset about seeing him.

“Hello, Hoseok,” Hyunwoo commented meanwhile and stretched out his hand to greet the musician with a soft smile. Smiling, the cellist gave Kihyun one of the drinks and grabbed Nunu’s hand, squeezing it before letting go again. 

“Sorry, I can’t hear much because of the ear plugs, I only see your lips move.” Hoseok stared at Kihyun before glancing at him once.

_ He doesn't even want to look at you. _

“Do you want to go inside? He usually needs a little time to get warm, so we’ll stay outside for a bit, don’t let yourself be disturbed.” Kihyun pointed at Hoseok and took a sip of his drink. “Can’t wait to see Nunu dance.”

Hyungwon nodded, but didn't move a single centimeter. Instead he stared at the blonde man, waiting for some kind of sign of acknowledgement. Even if Hoseok just wanted to be alone, Hyungwon needed to know that and to act on it, like this he didn't know what to do. Had he done something to upset, Hoseok?

Hyunwoo must have realised that he hadn't spoken since Hoseok's arrival, throwing him a glance then a strong arm pulled him away from Kihyun and wrapped around his waist.

“Are you okay?” Nunu whispered quietly, sounding concerned. Hyungwon would have answered, but he didn't know. Was he okay? Was Hoseok okay with him being there or had Hyungwon done something terrible? They had seemed alright before, after the blonde man had played the cello and told him to visit.

“I’m fine, we can go down, the music is not making me want to throw up, so I’ll manage,” the blonde man commented quietly, probably hearing his own voice loudly and deciding to speak in a lower volume. Turning around, he saw Hoseok run down the stairs, followed by Kihyun.

Hyungwon panicked as he saw them disappear and ran after them, moving past masses of people and struggling because he didn't have Nunu next to him, pushing people away. 

He checked the crowd furiously until he saw Hoseok's blonde hair at the back, standing at one of the tables with his drink. He almost sprinted over there, bumping into a girl that muttered something he couldn't understand and brushing way more shoulders than he was comfortable with. It felt strange and unfamiliar, not the way he usually felt at the club. It was loud and there was only heat and weird noises that mixed and only left the bass vibrating in his chest.

_ It's because you're not dancing, you're looking and Nunu is somewhere else. _

Holding his breath, Hyungwon hurried over and grabbed Hoseok's shoulders from behind, forehead pressing to the muscular back as he begged for the sensations to reduce. The other man jerked and tried to turn.

“What the… oh, it’s you.” Pushing him away a little, Hoseok turned around and tried to look at his face, bending his knees and glancing up at him. “Are you okay?”

“Do you hate me again?” Hyungwon forced out as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe. He didn't want to separate.

“Hate you? No! Why would you think that? I don’t think I said anything mean, did I?” A warm palm curled around his shoulder hesitantly.

“You- you didn't even look at me,” he replied, feeling like he was about to cry again. He was glad that Hoseok didn't hate him, but he must have done something to upset him enough to avoid his gaze.

“I didn't know that it was important. I’m sorry, to be honest I have no idea how I’m supposed to behave around you because our friendship is this weird feelings friendship or whatever and I have no experience in being a feelings friend and I know myself how dumb I sound right now, but you were hugging Kihyun, so I didn’t want to butt in.” Exhaling sharply, Hoseok let go of his shoulder.

“Oh, but-” He opened his eyes and blinked a few times to focus on Hoseok's face properly. The blonde man was much nicer to look at, calmer because he was familiar. Hyungwon lifted his hand to put Hoseok's palm back on his shoulder, enjoying the warmth that seeped through his transparent blouse. “But hugging Kihyun doesn't mean much. I was just happy to see him, but I'm even happier to see you. Super duper happy.”

“How would I know? I know nothing, Hyungwon.” Grabbing his drink, the blonde man had a pained expression and took a long sip. “But it’s fine, I don’t hate you at all, I simply didn’t want to disturb you. You can go dance now.”

_ Everything is fine then. _

“Can I hug you and dance with you instead?” Hyungwon smiled brightly and brushed through Hoseok's blonde hair once. It was really soft.

“But I can’t dance,” Hoseok whispered and put plugs into his ears. He must’ve taken them out to hear what he was saying.

“I'll teach you,” he exclaimed excitedly and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's wrist to pull him along. He felt so much better suddenly, like he only need a person to focus on to blend out everything else. The musician was broad and if Hyungwon wanted to be invisible he could just press himself against his chest and forget about everything else.

A small wave caught his attention as Nunu found their table and lifted his hand awkwardly. It looked cute and Hyungwon gestured for him to enjoy himself.

_ You're not alone now. _

The musician drank his cocktail in one go, slamming the glass on the table as he let himself be dragged to the dancefloor until Hyungwon found a nice spot and they stopped. The blonde man was looking at him, eyes wide and letting him hold his wrist.

“Follow me,” Hyungwon mouthed because Hoseok probably couldn't hear and placed the soft palms on his hips, moving them to the heavy beat. Once he felt the other man apply a little bit of pressure, he let his hands slide over Hoseok's forearms and shoulders to his neck. His skin was so soft and warm, like heaven against his fingertips, so he wrapped his arms around the muscular neck and moved in close.

A sharp exhale hit his lips while Hoseok stared down at his own hands that wrapped around his hips and moved along with him. After watching a bit, the blonde man started moving too, imitating his motions as well as he could. It wasn't too bad, only a little stiff because Hoseok was nervous.

“You're doing great!” he exclaimed, hoping that it was loud enough to hear or that the other man could at least read his lips. Rubbing their noses together, he giggled because they were so close. Hyungwon continued moving his hips to the beat and turning a little each time to have more motion in their dance.

The nose rubbing earned him a squeeze on his hips before Hoseok loosened his grip again. The stiffness faded a little while they danced and the beat changed, making it more sensual. Knowing the movements, the blonde man looked up, catching his gaze and staring at him intently. His eyes looked black and he licked over his lips.

Again Hyungwon realized how easy it was to look Hoseok in the eyes, to focus on the contrast of black and white. The blackness felt safe, like there was no judgement he could see or feel as soon as their eyes met. Instead it was only sensual and intimate, bodies close and breaths mingling whenever they exhaled.

“You're amazing,” he mouthed and added a little extra to the dance by making his movements bigger, rolling his body to the music.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” the low voice breathed into his ear while Hoseok leaned in to make sure he heard. Goosebumps traveled over his skin and pulled a gasp from his lips. Well, that was a whole different thing compared to before. Having hot breaths in his ear wasn't simple dancing or hugging to feel okay. Hyungwon was feeling wonderful, enjoying himself with Hoseok and examining the other man's beautiful face. He looked calmer than he had when Hyungwon sat on his lap.

“But you're doing it well,” he replied and entangled his fingers with blonde hair, pulling a little as he exhaled into Hoseok's ear. Again, he earned himself a gasp, this time at the well-aimed pull, followed by a shy ‘thank you’ while the broad hips continued moving along with his and strong fingers settled on his waist instead. Hyungwon liked it and smiled against the sensitive skin of Hoseok's neck.

“Can you feel the music?” he whispered and rolled his body into Hoseok's as the heavy bass vibrated through them. His lips brushed over the blonde man's neck in the process.

“No, I can only feel you. Everywhere,” Hoseok hissed and threw his head back, exhaling roughly, air hitting his nose. Hyungwon licked over his lips at the sensation, tempted to lean in, but he couldn't really read Hoseok, he wasn't like other club patrons that mostly wanted sex and drinks.

“Do you want to try a different type of dancing? Less...close?” he asked to offer the blonde man a way out if he wanted it, an alternative that was fun but less sensual.

“You're like rhythm turned human,” Hoseok mumbled and rolled his hips once.

_ Holy shit. _

This time it was Hyungwon's turn to gasp, lips parted. He hadn't expected the movement and it was nice, rubbing along his thighs and hips nicely.

“Do you like to feel the rhythm then?” he asked and hoped it was a nice metaphor for himself, after all Hoseok had called him rhythm just now. He enjoyed the grip on his waist and created small waves with his hips, accompanying the melody as he pulled at Hoseok's hair again, enjoying the way the blonde man's facial expression changed.

“It's interesting because with the cello the rhythm comes with the bow, but there's no bow, your body is like the bow, but I'm not controlling it so it's unexpected.” The low voice breathed into his ear as Hoseok elaborated before leaning back and pulling him a little closer. Hyungwon's eyes widened because he hadn't expected it, but he smiled, exhaling against the blonde man's prettily curved mouth.

_ He likes the way your body moves, even if it's unexpected? _

He repeated the waves of his hips and carefully stepped even closer to slip a thigh in between Hoseok's, changing the way they danced. Each roll of his body added a tingling sensation to his groin because of the proximity and the way the other man's exhales tickled his neck. Hyungwon liked it so much, but Hoseok was responding, so it seemed okay.

“Hyungwon, you, oh my god.” Gasping, the blonde man tightened his grip and started moving more carefully. “I don't think dancing is supposed to feel like this.”

“Why? Aren't we feeling friends?” he asked back and wondered if Hoseok meant the growing arousal at being close and having stimulation through how close they were. It was okay if it was mutual and both liked the way it felt. Hyungwon's body was burning a little, reminding him why he had wanted to go to the club in the first place. “I won't do anything you don't like, just tell me. Do you want distance?”

“Kihyun… he told me that you dance like this with other people a lot, but I am reacting weirdly and this is really- oh God.” Hoseok leaned back a little until their noses touched. “I have no idea what I'm supposed to do in this situation.”

_ Isn't it the same for you? _

“But I'm reacting the same way,” Hyungwon replied and reached for one of Hoseok's palms to pull it towards his face, showing the blonde man how hot it was. “I'm feeling hot too and my heart is beating furiously. And I want to touch you a lot, but you said it makes you nervous, so I'm not.”

“I think it makes me nervous because it's you,” Hoseok's low voice whispered, but he read the words from the curved lips as it was too loud around them. A pale hand curled around his wrist and pulled it towards the other man's handsome face, letting his palm touch the hot surface of Hoseok's cheek.

It felt really nice, burning under his fingertips. Hyungwon licked over his lips to return the moisture while watching the other man's face intently. Hoseok was so beautiful and Hyungwon could imagine how those gorgeous lips would feel against his, how the blonde man possibly tasted. A small motion of his thumb was sufficient to be able to touch it and brush over the soft texture of Hoseok's mouth.

“Why me?” he mouthed and couldn't resist the urge to push his lower body into the other man's, they were too close already.

He might have imagined it, but there was a sound resembling a breathy moan, accompanied by Hoseok's wide eyes and one strong arm that curled around his waist.

“What? I… I don't know.”

Hyungwon loved the sensation of being held and brushed over Hoseok's cheek again, inhaling sharply to remain calm. He really didn't want to scare the other man.

“My heart feels like it's about to break out of my chest,” he whispered, leaning in to reach Hoseok's ear and place a soft kiss on his neck. It smelled so good, addicting just like the shirt he had. Only that the smooth fabric had slowly lost that quality. “You're breathtaking, Hoseok.”

Usually he would have already acted, moved in and tasted the man in front of him to the fullest. But Hyungwon hesitated, didn't dare to. It was because it felt fragile, everything between them felt fragile and an averted gaze was enough to make him feel lost and desperate and a touch and a smile brought back excitement and intimacy. It was too precious to risk it.

“I feel the same. Is this what it means to be feelings friends? Your… “ Hoseok swallowed before speaking further. “Your face looks as if someone drew it with a soft pencil and when you dance I can see. I have seen my music for the first time. It was overwhelming.”

_ You gave him something, like the photographer said. _

Hyungwon swallowed, a little shy after the compliment and at the same time unsure how to explain what was happening between them to Hoseok. He never had a feelings friend before, it was something he invented to describe the fact that the blonde man felt safe but also evoked feelings in him.

“I'm- I'm not sure, Hoseok. I never had a feelings friend before you, but this is what I tried to describe. You make me feel safe like a friend, but you also make me feel in general, with a quick heartbeat and a tingling sensation in my stomach when you smile. I call it feeling friends.” He inhaled sharply to have more of the other man's delicious scent in his nose. It was calming too, just like the firm grip around his waist. Only the situation wasn't, it wasn't calm at all.

“I have the tingling sensation too, when you touch me, no matter how small the touch is. I call it you making me nervous. I have no idea what's happening, oh God, where is Kihyun? He should hit me so I get my shit together.” Removing his warm hand from Hyungwon's cheek, the other man licked over his lips and swallowed a few times. “Maybe it's because you're becoming my cello for the performance.”

“I don't know,” Hyungwon replied, a little disappointed that it was over. His body was still burning and he already missed the contact and the warmth. He could also call them something else if that meant Hoseok would touch him again. “Then we both feel the same, but give it different names, right?”

“I guess we're really feelings friends.” Hoseok watched him for a few more moments before smiling brightly and lifting his hand again to stroke over his cheek once. The switch was sudden again, so Hyungwon gasped and held onto the soft hand, hoping to keep it with him for longer. Watching Hoseok's beautiful face, he turned to the side and kissed the warm palm.

“We are,” he murmured and licked over his lips again, hoping that the way his heart was beating showed.

“Does that mean I can touch you, Hoseok?”

 

***

 

Sensations over sensations, bitterness that turned into worry, into anxiety, into nervousness, only to be burned down by the tall, black-haired dancer who led him, moved him, made him gasp and who for the first time made him greedy for more.

_ Aren't you losing your mind? _

Maybe he was, but he didn't notice. The hand on his cheek, the warm lips against his neck, the low voice passing his earplugs and the big eyes when Hyungwon leaned back, complimenting his face and making him look like a soft pencil drawing he wanted to touch.

_ Since when do you want to touch? _

They were feelings friends, it was okay, the black-haired dancer felt the same, sharing his concerns and feelings with him without delay and calming him down because it seemed as if his reaction was okay.

He also reacted bodily, which was extremely weird, but Hyungwon felt the same too, so wasn't this okay? They were feelings friends.

“Does that mean that I can touch you, Hoseok?” The black-haired dancer licked over his lips and watched him carefully, Hoseok's palm still caught in the other man's big hand.

_ Can he touch you? But he has been touching you all this time, so it's fine? _

“It still makes me nervous, but if you say that it's the same for you, I guess it's fine. Your touch… it feels okay usually.”

The other man's plump lips spread in a wide smile as he stepped closer and placed a kiss on his nose.

“Is this nice?” he asked and added another to his cheek and his forehead while intertwining their fingers. Hyungwon's free hand stroked over his shoulder and neck, travelling to his hair and pulling at it again.

“Oh… oh my God,” he whispered, overwhelmed by how natural Hyungwon reached for his face, how he simply kissed it, without much thought. His lips parted and he released an embarrassingly shaky breath, licking over them right after.

“Is that a good response or a bad one?” Hyungwon asked again and smiled, leaning in to place another kiss on his cheek before he travelled a little lower, caressing the skin under his ear with his lips and finally kissing the crook of his neck.

_ Holy shit. _

“I… I thought you would hug me or something, but you went all out, didn't you? Your… your lips feel soft,” he muttered, and suppressed another shaky exhale by holding his breath. He didn't want to admit it, but it felt like heaven, like his whole body was tingling, breaking into tiny pieces that were receptive all on their own, burning and reacting to the other man's touch. The intensity was something that he hadn't felt before. Not like this.

“They feel even softer when-” Hyungwon began but he was pulled back and turned around roughly. His best friend was staring at him, gaze narrowed and looking utterly dissatisfied for some strange reason.

“Let's have a talk, my innocent child.” Grabbing his wrist painfully, Kihyun pulled him in the direction of the door, cursing under his breath. Instead of going outside, they turned into a hallway. “Take the plugs out, it's important.”

_ Oh. _

Sad that he wasn't next to Hyungwon, he sighed and took out the earplugs, sound returning full force and giving him a headache.

“What? Why did you pull me away like that?” To be honest it made him a little angry and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“What the fuck is going on with Hyungwon and you? Hoseok, why are you making out in a club with a guy you've met three times? Are you going through late puberty? Are you crazy? Everybody knows you, besides Nunu because he's adorable, but every-fucking-body else does. What the fuck are you thinking?” His best friend looked genuinely concerned, arms crossed in front of his tiny but worked out chest.

“Nothing! We're just friends! Feelings-friends. I told him that he's allowed to touch me because we feel the same. There's nothing weird about that. It's just special.” Nodding to support his words, he played with the single ear plug he took out, hoping that the conversation would end soon. He didn't like the feeling.

“What? Feelings-friends? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Listen to me carefully, bunny, I know that he's handsome and adorable and can probably dance like a God, but he literally makes out with any person as long as they're hot, okay? I'm not trying to slut shame him, he deserves the fun, I simply don't want him to make you part of the fun. You're not from the same store you know? He wants some snacks and he can have them, but you're a five course meal from the five star Michelin restaurant two streets further away that one has to enjoy slowly and pay for first. I don't want you to get hurt, but you definitely will if you continue. Let's have the naive hope that there will be no rumours and get a drink, huh?” Kihyun finished his monologue and stepped closer, pulling on his sleeve.

_ He's trying to say that you're not special. But Hyungwon invented the category just for you, didn't he? _

But Hyungwon also told him before that he liked people, that everyone was adorable and amazing and deserved to be touched, so how was he special?

He wasn't.

“But it doesn't matter that I'm not special, there's nothing to it, we're just friends. I know that it seems weird because I suddenly don't hate touching, but I guess it's because he's a touchy guy and there's no way to escape being touched. I got used to it, I think. Don't worry, I'm not a fifteen-year-old in love, he's just a guy I'm doing a performance with and he's touchy. That's all. I only love my cello.” Nodding to support his words, he smiled and pushed the earplug back into his ear, ignoring his best friend's face that didn't look convinced. Not at all.

Moving towards the bar, Hoseok got another cocktail and looked around, searching for the tall man with pitch black hair. He found him close by, sitting on a bar stool with his knees pulled towards his chest and nodding repeatedly while his dancer friend told him something. It was the first time that Hoseok realized he had never seen Hyungwon with a drink in his hand.

His legs decided for him and he moved towards both men, stopping in front of Hyungwon, putting his drink on the table and crouching down to see his face.

“Hey,” he murmured, but wasn't sure that the other man understood him with the loud music and the people talking in the back.

There was surprise on the black-haired man's face and he immediately chewed on his cheek, looking guilty.

“Is Kihyun angry at me because you are special?” Hyungwon asked loudly and reached out to wrap his fingers around his wrist. Touching must have been automatic for the dancer, without a second thought.

“No. He is angry at me because he thinks that I’m not making sense. He can think that because I'm usually not like this with anyone, so he is cautious. It's not because of you, I really don't make sense.” He smiled and reached out, brushing over Hyungwon’s calf briefly. Touching still felt unnatural to him.

A beautiful smile immediately spread the plump lips as the black-haired man squeezed his wrist and removed his legs from the bar stool.

“Nunu and me were thinking of going home. One might call it enough emotions for a single day. Do you want to come along?” Hyungwon asked and gestured towards his friend who remained quiet and nodded. The two of them were opposites with words.

"Huh? I think Kihyun wanted to see you dance, Nunu." The name was so ridiculous that he had to press it out of himself without laughing. It was a struggle. "I can take you home if Nunu wants to stay, if you like?" Chewing on his lips, Hoseok asked himself why he was suddenly nervous and uneasy, was it because they had been close? Because of what Kihyun said or because, again, Hyungwon was unpredictable? Whatever it was, the dancer's smile was beautiful, so he stared.

“That would be very nice of you, Hoseok,” Nunu replied and nodded at him before stroking over Hyungwon's head. It looked affectionate, but the way the broad dancer glanced towards the crowd where Kihyun was currently shaking his limbs confidently was awkward.

“Yeah! Nunu actually wanted to stay, but was worried about me. My brain is a little unstable today even though I slept for a long time, but it was in clothes, so I felt strange afterwards. Now I don't really feel like meeting anyone new either. I don't think I have the strength anymore.” Hyungwon pouted and brushed through his styled, black hair. Now that there was a little bit of distance between them and the lights shone right at the dancer's chest, he could see how transparent his shirt really was, dark nipples easy to see through the red fabric.

_ That's probably the reason for wearing the transparent shirt, he wanted to meet someone. _

Hoseok was embarrassed, so he stared at the outline and how narrow Hyungwon's waist was. It looked... aesthetic. Was it aesthetic? He wouldn't know. He only knew music. 

Getting up, he drank half of his cocktail and nodded, gesturing for them to go.

"I'm sorry that you couldn't meet anyone because of me, that's why I told you to not be bothered."

“I'm happier about you walking me home than meeting somebody,” Hyungwon replied and smiled brightly, eyes turning into crescents as he jumped up from his stool and kissed Nunu's cheeks in goodbye. The broader man seemed used to Hyungwon's touches, smiling until his eyes returned to the dancefloor again.

“Remember, you're wonderful and he'll like everything you do,” the dancer yelled at his friend and punched his fist in the air excitedly. Then he turned around and wrapped an arm around Hoseok's neck, pulling him through the crowd.

The way home was fun, Hyungwon was being ridiculous and demanded to be piggy backed after sitting down in the middle of the street. Hoseok had never met anybody like him. As soon as they arrived at the dorm building and he carried the almost weightless man up the stairs, he crouched in front of his door waiting for Hyungwon to climb down.

“You could also carry me inside. That way you will also be inside. I'd like that," the black-haired dancer commented and pointed at the closed door. Suddenly he giggled loudly and tightened his legs around Hoseok's waist. "Inside my room I mean.”

_ He wants you inside his room? _

Hoseok had no idea why that was funny and asked himself how he was supposed to carry Hyungwon inside if he didn't have the key.

"You need to open the door first. Also, why would you want me inside your room?"

"Huh?" the dancer murmured, probably a little confused by his question as he fumbled at the back of his leather pants to take out his key. Without much hesitation Hyungwon handed it over to him. "Isn't it simple? When you're inside my room, then we are there together and not lonely. We can talk, or cuddle, or eat snacks, watch a movie. Anything you like. We won't be lonely."

"You don't like being alone? But it's so nice, nobody is talking and there's nothing to think about, just music. Well, at least for me. I like being alone, I'm alone all the time. Also it's midnight. Don't you want to sleep?" Hoseok took the key, opened the door and kicked his shoes off his feet. Moving towards Hyungwon's tiny bed, he sat down on the edge and waited for the black-haired dancer to let him go. Only that he didn't.

"I hate being alone," Hyungwon muttered and sat down behind him, legs arranged next to his and round nose rubbing over his nape. He was still wearing his shoes. "You could sleep too. It's nice, I promise, I especially like it when one is strong like you are."

“What? What are you talking about, Hyungwon? How am I supposed to sleep if you’re hanging on me? Plus your bed is literally just enough for your stick-like body.” He got up and sat next to the black-haired dancer. His eyes immediately travelled towards his transparent shirt. “And wear something that fulfills the purpose of clothes.”

"Why would I wear clothes if I'm at home and about to go to bed?" Hyungwon replied with a pout and reached for his arm, stroking over it carefully. "That's what I meant, it's nice to sleep in a bed together because it's warm. I'll wrap around you and you won't be able to tell how little space there is. Nunu also fits and he's taller.”

_ Oh god. _

“You… you want to sleep with me? In one bed? But I don’t have my pajamas and it’s tiny! If I had my cello, I would play you a lullaby so you could sleep and I could go home.” Hoseok shifted a little, nervous because of how nonchalant Hyungwon was about being close.

"Pyjamas? You sleep in pyjamas?" the dancer asked with wide eyes and pulled up his transparent shirt, enough to reveal his navel, "in real clothes?"

Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon glanced around the room until his gaze settled on his wardrobe. "I could lend you some of Nunu's clothes, he's broad too and they might fit. Will that help?"

“Oh god, why are you undressing?” He suppressed the wish to cover his eyes with both palms like a kindergarten kid and chewed on his lip instead. “Can’t you… just go to sleep and I go home?”

"But-" The black-haired man looked disappointed, lips plump and eyes bigger than usual. His hand let go of the transparent fabric and covered his lean stomach again. "It would be so much nicer if you're here. You don't know if Kihyun will have a visitor either. Nunu is shy, but Kihyun definitely isn't. Like this I could take care of you and it would be quiet too. A win win situation, right?"

“I can’t sleep in jeans, they’re too tight,” Hoseok whined and crossed his arms in front of his chest, shaking his head at the prospect of hearing Kihyun’s vocals in a way he really didn’t want to.

"Oh that's not a problem! Then you can sleep in underwear! It gives you more freedom too. Or I could also lend you a pair of Nunu's sweatpants. He has a lot of them!" Hyungwon looked excited, smiling suddenly and bobbing back and forth on the bed. "We can try it out and if you don't like it you can still go home. I'll make it as nice as possible!"

“But I don’t like sweatpants, I like my pajamas, they’re thin and comfy.” There was no way that Hyungwon was able to make him feel comfortable, he didn’t have a toothbrush, his pajamas, and he had to take off his underwear to wear them. Oh god.

_ You can’t take off your underwear at some guy’s place, what is this? _

“I won’t take off my underwear!” Hoseok exclaimed and stared at the black-haired dancer, who kept bouncing back and forth like a mental person.

_ He doesn’t know why, why would you say that? _

“I have no toothbrush and no pajama pants and I wear them like that, without underwear. I can’t just wear someone else’s pants without underwear, so there’s no solution and I have to go home.”

"But-" Hyungwon looked visibly conflicted, "I have a toothbrush for you. Also, why can't you wear other people's sweatpants without underwear? It doesn't matter, we'll wash them." 

Shrugging nonchalantly, the dancer reached out and pulled him closer by grabbing the waistband of his jeans. Hyungwon put his feet on the ground and spread his legs to accommodate Hoseok between them.

“This bed is tiny,” he whispered, eyes widening at the reduced distance between them. Hyungwon's lips were at the level of his chest and he swallowed, remembering how they felt against his skin.

"But so am I when I attach to your body, lying flat on your chest," Hyungwon replied in a whisper, long fingers still holding onto the waistband of his jeans. Hoseok could feel the dancer's hot fingertips against the skin of his stomach.

“How am I supposed to sleep like that?” His voice was low and quiet, eyes focused on the handsome face and breathing frequency increasing for some reason. The prospect made him nervous.

_ He is unpredictable. _

“Is it difficult for you?” the other man asked softly and brushed his thumb over his stomach, caressing the skin under his shirt. “Have you tried before? Maybe it’s easy, relaxing even, because there is somebody else sharing the warmth. I fall asleep easily when I am with somebody I feel safe with.”

“I don’t know if I feel safe with you. Is it safe? Are you safe?” he asked, exhaling sharply and unsure what to do with his hands.

“What do you need to feel safe, Hoseok? You can have it all. I won’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.” His words had an immediate effect as Hyungwon’s hands left his naked skin and held onto his hips instead. The dancer was watching him carefully, eyes wide and lips a little parted. “I am sorry if I act too fast, I won’t anymore unless you want me to.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m confused and I’m nervous. I don’t think I’m in my right mind right now. I feel safe if I know what will happen and how I’m supposed to behave, but like this I don’t. I’ve never stayed overnight anywhere, Hyungwon, I don’t fucking know how that works.” Fumbling with his blue sweatshirt, he chewed on his cheek, avoiding the other man’s gaze.

For a few moments there was no reply, only the sound of Hyungwon’s exhales. The black-haired man shifted and climbed back on the bed, giving him space and smiling brightly.

“Let me tell you about it,” he began and gestured for him to sit down next to the dancer. “I stay over at other people’s places when it is too late or I am simply too lazy to go home. They lend me some clothes if they are uncomfortable with my naked body and then we cuddle up in bed. Usually we talk a little, about dance about music, bad movies, whatever we are interested in and then we fall asleep with my head on their chest. That’s what I was planning on doing, but it’s up to you of course. If it makes you uncomfortable we can do something else. I can dance for you and you can go home, or I’ll make you a cup of tea and then you go home. Anything you want, Hoseok. I want to make you happy.”

_ You want to stay. _

“I need a toothbrush, a new one, peppermint toothpaste, a cotton t-shirt, preferably white, thin pants that could qualify as pajama pants and a room where I can change.” Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he looked at Hyungwon, waiting for the other man to tell him to fuck off.

“That sounds doable,” the dancer remarked and shrugged before jumping up from the bed and hurrying to the small bathroom. Loud clattering followed before Hyungwon reappeared with various objects in his hands. “I found a new toothbrush in green, is the color okay? Our toothpaste is peppermint anyway because it’s my favourite and tastes like it actually cleans my mouth. I’ll look for a t-shirt and pants now!”

“Oh… okay. I actually also need new underwear, but I guess that’s asking too much,” Hoseok was nuts, but one could ask, right?

“Nunu bought a new pack,” Hyungwon muttered and left the room before returning with a brand new 5 pack of underwear.  “Is this okay? I don’t know about your size but I do know you have a nice butt.” Licking over his lips, the dancer threw the new underwear and a pair of leggings on his bed and disappeared in the neighbouring room again.

_ He left you alone so you can change. _

Exhaling sharply, Hoseok glanced over to the other room, before feeling safe and pulling the dark-blue sweatshirt over his head. The jeans and socks followed before he turned around again, making sure that Hyungwon wasn’t in sight and took off his black underwear, grabbing the pair of pants and pulling them over his naked butt quickly. Damn, they were really tight and probably made for dancing. Glancing at the bed, he realized that there was no shirt.

Suddenly the door opened without as much as a warning or a basic knock and Hyungwon stalked inside with a cotton shirt in hand. His eyes focused on Hoseok’s chest and remained there as his lips parted at the sight.

“Wow, you’re hot,” he commented and pressed the cotton shirt he was holding to his chest.

“I thought I could change, but realized that the shirt was missing.” Hoseok walked towards the black-haired man and stretched out his hand, chewing on his lips and trying to ignore the heat that crawled up his cheeks all of a sudden.

“You look gorgeous,” Hyungwon whispered and slowly removed the shirt from his chest, handing it to Hoseok reluctantly. “You make me want to touch your chest, but I won’t so you don’t get scared.”

“I work out that’s why it looks like this,” he murmured for no reason and grabbed the fabric before pulling it over his head quickly. “Are you sure that these are Nunu’s pants? They seem more like yours, it’s a miracle that I managed to pull them over my butt.”

“Ehm- those are leggings, they need to be tight,” Hyungwon replied and giggled loudly. “He wears them for dancing, I think when he did a fancy version of some knight. They look good on you though! You’re very-” The dancer stopped talking and simply looked down, staring at his pants for some reason.

“I know. It feels a little weird to wear them, but they’re okay,” he murmured, hoping that Hyungwon would stop staring, he already felt ashamed because he had been standing around without wearing a shirt.

“You look lovely to me,” the black-haired man commented finally and didn’t hesitate before wrapping his long arms around Hoseok’s neck. Hyungwon was still wearing his clubbing clothes, transparent shirt and leather pants. “I’m happy that you are here with me. You are beautiful and breathtaking and I don’t have enough words to describe it. I’d dance to show how much I like you, but I don’t have enough space to spread out my arms and jump.”

“Thank you,” Hoseok murmured and decided that it was okay to hug back, curling his arms around Hyungwon’s waist. “Don’t you want to wear something that leaves some room for imagination?”

“Wait- you want me to wear something while I sleep?” The black-haired man looked outraged as he pulled his transparent shirt up again, revealing his stomach. “I won’t sleep in this.” Immediately, Hyungwon grabbed the seam of his shirt and pulled it over his head, throwing it on the ground. The dancer stood in his embrace, without a shirt.

“Oh god. How are you going to sleep then? This bed is tiny and you will be super close and you need to wear something or I’ll feel all of it.” Eyes widening, Hoseok stepped back a little and stared at the other man’s dark nipples, tiny and erect from what he could tell.

“You’ll feel all of it? You can’t because you’re wearing clothes,” Hyungwon pointed out and gestured towards his pants and cotton t-shirt. “You won’t feel anything and neither will I because you are hiding everything. There’s a blanket too. I sleep like-” Unbuttoning his leather pants, the black-haired man pulled them down his long legs until they pooled at his feet and he threw them to the side, smiling brightly, “like this.”

Staring didn’t help, so he simply turned around and grabbed the toothbrush, hurrying in the direction of the small bathroom. He should’ve brushed his teeth for at least two minutes, but he was scared that Hyungwon might undress more if he took too long, so he spat out the toothpaste and rushed back, gaze focused on the black and white carpet until he reached the bed and climbed under the blanket, pulling it over his head.

There were steps next to him then he felt a hand press down approximately where his shoulder was.

“Do you think that I am disgusting?” Hyungwon asked quietly, sitting next to the bed judging by the sound of his voice.

“What? No!” Lifting the blanket from his face in a quick movement, he stared at Hyungwon’s handsome face, eyes wide and mouth open. “Why would you think that?”

The plump lips formed into a pout as the black-haired man held onto the thick blanket and shrugged.

“You don’t want to look at me, so I thought there must be something terrible about it. Like a car crash, people look away when there is blood and disgusting things. So I must be disgusting too, something you don’t want to look at, hiding under the blanket.”

“I’m just nervous because you undressed. Nobody ever undressed in front of me, so I have no way of knowing what I’m supposed to do. Kihyun sometimes runs around in underwear, but it’s different.” Hoseok shifted a little, to give Hyungwon some space by pressing himself against the wall. The bed was fucking tiny.

“Why is it different? He’s a man and I am also a man, only taller, thinner and prettier,” the dancer commented and carefully lifted the blanket before climbing in next to him, lying sideways to take up less space. Hyungwon seemed experienced with sharing a tiny bed because he immediately wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s middle and placed  his head on his shoulder, exhaling softly. He sounded like being close relaxed him in a matter of seconds. “I am happy you don’t think I’m disgusting.”

“You’re not disgusting. You’re elegant, like a string.” Hoseok had no idea where that came from, but the touch relaxed him too, it was strange, as if not touching was the reason for feeling nervous because there were so many possibilities, but when Hyungwon lay next to him, arms curled around his waist, there wasn’t much that could happen.

“You feel nice and warm,” the soft voice whispered into his nape as Hyungwon shifted a little and threw a leg over his middle, snuggling closer. “You make me happy by being here, Hoseok.”

“I like how your touch feels,” he whispered back, and placed his hands on the other man’s lower back, enjoying the warmth of the smooth skin. He had never touched so much in his entire life, especially not while lying in bed with someone. “Could it be that I got used to it?”

“That’s possible, after all we are close a lot. Do you like the way my skin feels? I like it when it’s really warm and soft. Your body is soft but your muscles are firm, so I feel like I can attach myself and you’ll take care of me, punch everybody who is mean to me while keeping your arms around me. I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but that’s how I feel.” Suddenly he could feel a soft kiss on his naked collarbone, uncovered by a brief pull on his cotton shirt. “I like being your feelings friend, thank you for letting me.”

“Your lips,” he whispered, fingers digging into the soft skin accidentally. He remembered how the other man's mouth felt against his nose, his neck. He felt like falling apart once again, from a brief touch only.

“You like my lips?” Hyungwon asked and smiled, brushing them over Hoseok’s neck tenderly. The sensation spread goosebumps over his skin. “I hear that a lot, I’m glad you like them too. Can I kiss you more?”

“It feels intense,” he admitted and leaned into the touch subconsciously, pulling the slim body against his clothed chest. “Makes me want to feel more of it.”

“That’s good, that means that being close can also be nice for you. I wanted to show you that being touched carefully can be really pleasant. Seems like it’s working!” He could feel Hyungwon smiling against his neck as another kiss followed, this time to the crook of his neck. The touches slowly continued upwards until his ear. The dancer covered the path with small kisses while exhaling against his sensitive skin.

His body was falling apart, turning into sensitive bits that trembled at very single touch of the other man's lips. His breathing frequency increased, sharp exhales leaving his lips and his hands trembled in an attempt to feel more.

"More," a low voice murmured desperately until he realized that it was him.

_ It's you. You want more. _


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know that there is an end for you. I just don't think there is one for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 17th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon was a simple person, at least in his own humble opinion. If there was the opportunity to have somebody to walk home with, then he was going to take it. If he could be piggy backed instead of walking fifteen minutes to the dorm on his own, then he was going to do that. If a gorgeous man was sitting on his bed contemplating on staying and the only things he needed to provide to have warm arms around him was a toothbrush and some clothes, then one could consider the task done already. Hyungwon loved being close to somebody else and he hated being alone, more than anything else.

_ And Hoseok is so special and precious. _

Hyunwoo would have told him that he shouldn’t take just anyone, because he could end up getting hurt in the end. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

_ But this is Hoseok, not just anyone. _

He felt like he knew Hoseok, like some of the intricate expressions on the blonde man’s round face were familiar to him, readable and comprehensible. Of course Hyungwon still got confused whenever Hoseok overreacted and tried to hide his face or ran away, but it also made sense in the end, mostly.

_ He’s shy and he has never been close to anybody before. _

How a man with a face and a body like that could remain untouched was a mystery that Hyungwon neither had the resources, nor the brain capacity to solve. He was already overwhelmed by all that beauty, prominent abdominal muscles and a bulge that was obvious in the tight leggings. Hyungwon immediately wanted to sink to the ground and mouth along it, but Hoseok’s face and the fact that the musician looked terrified stopped him. If he already looked terrified because of Hyungwon’s nipples, then mouthing along his dick was a very bad idea.

_ Bad, Hyungwon, no touching until he says it’s okay. You promised. _

When Hoseok got terrified by his naked legs and ran away, Hyungwon’s mood plummeted and broke apart like an umbrella when it was too stormy. One got wet anyway and the fabric tore apart too.

Throwing himself on the carpet he lay there and wondered whether there was something disgusting about him that had scared Hoseok off. It was so difficult to know what people liked or didn’t like. Was it the fact that he was hairless? In high school people had always said that it’s ‘girly’ and called him faggot for it. Maybe it was also the make-up, but Hoseok hadn’t minded it before and Hyungwon hadn’t applied any color to his nipples or anything.

_ Maybe it’s because there is so much naked skin? _

Only when Hoseok returned, wrapped the blanket around himself and hid from view, did Hyungwon dare to get up from the floor and ask. It was fascinating how often he misinterpreted Hoseok’s actions. As soon as he was under the warm blanket and engulfed in the blonde man’s embrace the misunderstandings didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

_ It’s only you and warmth. _

The musician’s scent was so delicious that Hyungwon couldn’t stop inhaling it, leaning closer to have more of it, to let his lips brush over the fragrant skin and enjoy each inhale. When he felt Hoseok’s heart rate increase under his fingertips, he began to place kisses against the soft skin, fuelled by the blonde man’s confession that he liked his lips.

_ They all do, especially when you kiss them properly. _

Hyungwon hummed in agreement and made sure to ask and only continue when he heard a yes, Hoseok confessing that it was nice enough to want more. His skin immediately burned up at the words because of the thoughts that developed and begged to be fulfilled. His leg tightened around Hoseok’s middle and he began to cover the muscular neck with kisses, blessing the soft skin behind Hoseok’s ear, his nape and the sensitive transition to his shoulder. He wanted to cover all of it with his lips and hear more breathy gasps, low and beautiful.

“More,” Hoseok suddenly gasped, clear and much more urgent than Hyungwon had heard him before. Lifting his head briefly, he examined the blonde man’s face to make sure he understood correctly while his hands brushed over Hoseok’s sensitive sides and his thumb rubbed over a hardened nipple once. Arousal might have been the only emotion Hyungwon could read easily, with his fingertips against hot skin instead of his eyes.

_ You’re confident if this is what he wants. _

“I don’t understand myself right now, but can I kiss you too?” Hoseok asked, heart beating furiously against his fingertips and grip tightening around his waist. The other man was so beautiful that it almost robbed him of his ability to inhale, air remaining stuck in his lungs as he stared for a few extended seconds. At this point he would have done anything the low voice asked him to. Soft kisses were nothing in comparison.

_ Or everything. _

It felt so meaningful coming from Hoseok’s lips, like Hyungwon was crossing a barrier for the blonde man that he was scared to cross. Hyungwon wanted to reach out and grasp his hand, help him to move over it just like his brother had held his hand when he failed to balance on a wall.

“Of course you can,” he whispered and reached out to stroke over Hoseok’s cheek, watching him intently. “Would you like me to lie down on my back, so you can explore?”

Hoseok nodded and let go of his waist, teeth settling on his pretty bottom lip and eyes jumping from his face to his neck and chest.

“Do you… do you feel like me when someone touches you? As if you’re falling apart and the bits are feeling everything at once?”

_ Separate parts of you that feel everything at once? _

Hyungwon thought about that. He wasn’t very good at self reflection and especially not at describing the way he felt apart from obvious bodily things like a heartbeat and pink cheeks. There was a kind of tingling when he was touched, a little bit like when an arm fell asleep but instead of small needles it was more pleasant, like pleasure needles. Licking over his lips, he lay down on his back and tried to figure out how to describe that.

“For me it’s like there are tiny needles all over my skin and all of them create sparks of pleasure at once. Is it similar? I don’t really know how to describe it, I usually just feel.”

“Can you tell me when I touch you? How it makes you feel? I need to know whether you like it.” The blonde man lay on his side and reached for his neck, letting his fingers run over it carefully, moving towards his chest and trembling a little as they brushed over his nipples.

Hyungwon had wanted to reply affirmatively, he really did, tell Hoseok that he’d love to tell him and be all expressive about how he felt. However, all of that enthusiasm switched to a soft moan because Hyungwon really loved to have his nipples touched. Damn.

“I like that,” he whispered and licked over his lips again. “A lot.”

“It’s a C,” Hoseok commented and leaned in, kissing the sensitive bud carefully, like a soft, warm feather. Hyungwon genuinely wondered where all that bravery had come from. After all, Hoseok had been mortified to see him naked, but now, in the dark, the blonde man even dared to place a kiss against his naked skin. He shifted a little and rubbed his legs together, wondering how long it was going to take until his body reacted.

“A C? The tone?” he asked and gasped again, watching the way Hoseok’s curved lips looked against his skin. It was beautiful and he wanted to see more of it, preferably also all over his body, it didn’t matter where, he was open for exploration. “Am I an undiscovered country?”

“No. You’re an instrument,” the blonde man commented and stroked over his stomach with his index finger, barely applying any pressure. Leaning closer, the other man kissed the spot under his ear while exhaling warm air against it.

Hyungwon gasped again, sensitive because his senses were sharpened, ready to perceive every little touch and brush of fingers against his skin. It was a little unfair too, because Hoseok was dressed but he wasn’t, a much better target for touches.

_ But maybe he will also see how nice it is, because he will see you. _

He shuddered at the hot air against his ear and barely resisted the urge to reach out and grab a fistful of Hoseok’s hair, pulling him down to meet his lips. A voice inside his head told him that it was a bad idea, one that was going to scare Hoseok and make him run away from him.

“My heartbeat is really quick because of your touch, you can feel it if you like,” he muttered instead and inhaled sharply. Goosebumps spread over his skin and made his legs tremble. There were so many things Hoseok could do, so many ways to make him moan.

Leaning back Hoseok looked a little confused before reaching for his nipple and brushing over it again, black eyes focused on his face as if something was supposed to happen.

Hyungwon moaned again and bent his right leg at the sensation, as if his body was ready to wrap around Hoseok and hope that the feeling was going to bless him again. He didn’t know what Hoseok was waiting for, but he hoped that he got it and would continue, touching him more. When he had told the blonde man that it was okay to touch him, he hadn’t expected to react so much, especially considering the kind of things he was used to.

_ He would have already been between your lips. _

But this was better. Hyungwon preferred touches like this, bodily contact that involved warmth and covered as much skin as possible. He wanted Hoseok to lie down on top of him and kiss him.

“C minor, it’s gorgeous,” the other man whispered, looking completely baffled. “What do you like so much that you produce music?” Hoseok asked and leaned down. “This?” he inquired before taking his nipple into his hot mouth. He could feel Hoseok’s warm tongue.

“Fuck,” he cursed and threw his head to the side, not expecting the sudden touch. It felt nice, especially with the visual of Hoseok’s gorgeous lips around the erect bud. He could feel his dick fill out in his underwear with each small motion of Hoseok’s tongue. “I- I don’t know what you mean but- this feels amazing.”

“Hm, maybe I need to hold you while stroking you,” the low voice murmured and he felt Hoseok’s fingers curl around his neck and sink into his hair, while his other hand played with his nipple, circling it.

Hyungwon’s body jerked again, but this time he was held in place by the grip on his hair, making him moan loudly, enough to vibrate through his chest and echo throughout the empty room. He felt a little dizzy because of the combination and because it was unexpected, all of it. He didn’t know what to expect from Hoseok but whatever the blonde man was doing, he wanted him to continue doing it. His hands reached for the sheets and grabbed two fists full as his legs trembled again.

“Yes! That’s what I mean, this is beautiful,” Hoseok exclaimed excitedly. Repeating the motion of his fingers, the cellist leaned in and kissed his neck carefully, similar to how he had kissed the other man before. Hoseok probably tried to do the same.

Hyungwon moaned again and gave up, eyes falling shut and hands pulling at the sheets in response. It wasn’t anything extreme, Hoseok wasn’t sucking his dick or fingering him into oblivion, but still his whole body was burning and each small touch pulled a moan from his lips. As if Hoseok knew where to stroke him, to make him feel good.

_ As if you are his cello. _

Hyungwon’s eyes opened wide and he gasped, one hand reaching out to stroke over Hoseok’s shoulder and entangle with the blonde strands. He needed to have a hold on the other man, to feel like the grip was mutual too.

“Am I your cello?” he breathed out and leaned to the side to place a kiss on top of Hoseok’s temple, kissing whatever he could reach.

“You are similar to a cello but you don’t only make music when I touch you but when you touch me too. It feels so intense. Touching does.” Placing his palms flat on Hyungwon’s stomach, the other man stroked over the whole length of his torso while watching him and gasping quietly.

Hyungwon stared back while sucking his lips into his mouth, hoping he would remain calm for a few seconds longer so he could bask in how beautiful Hoseok looked, lying next to him and fascinated by his mostly naked body.

“Do you like the way I look?” he asked even though he knew the answer.

“You… you are very aesthetic. Everything about you is elegant, as if someone made you out of rare, curved wood. You look so different from me and Kihyun. I haven’t seen anybody else with so few clothes on, so I don’t know.” Chewing on his lips, Hoseok stopped touching him for a few seconds before exhaling sharply and continuing the path of his hand. “I like how it feels when my fingers curl around your neck and sink into your hair, it’s such a beautiful curve.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly, not sure what to say to that. He expected a compliment like he’d heard before, but that was stupid of him. After all, Hoseok hadn’t told him anything predictable until now. He removed his hands from the sheets and arranged them above his head instead, enjoying the way Hoseok’s round eyes followed the motion. Even now they were almost black and Hyungwon felt capable of staring right back.

“So… you don’t mind me being undressed anymore?” he asked quietly and lifted his left leg up, bending it at the knee to give himself a little bit of friction. The motion caused the blanket to move and pool on his lap. Maybe it was better that way. He didn’t want Hoseok to get uncomfortable, even if it was natural.

_ But he was aroused when you danced with him. _

“You made this sound and you sounded just like a cello, so I wanted to hear more and now I’m looking at you and I didn’t really think about you being in underwear only. Are you uncomfortable? Is this not okay for feelings friends? Please tell me, I won’t touch you again, I swear.” Hoseok looked terrified, as if his actions suddenly entered his consciousness. 

Hyungwon was terrified too, terrified of the other man stopping. Instead of answering with his words, he reached for Hoseok’s hair again and pulled to have the blonde man closer, close enough to feel his rough exhale against his lips.

“Don’t stop,” he gasped and licked over his lips. “I’m perfectly fine, I like being in underwear, I generally like to be without clothes. It feels calmer and more like me.”

“O… okay. I’m sorry, you wanted to sleep but I went places. But I’m not sorry for the music, it was beautiful. You sound beautiful.” Licking over his lips nervously, Hoseok let his fingers slip through his hair.

“Don’t stop touching me, Hoseok, please,” he murmured again, worried that the blonde man had changed his mind now and didn’t want to explore anymore. “You can continue exploring, or…” he trailed off and tugged at Hoseok’s hair again to pull him closer, “should I?” Bridging the last bit of distance, he licked along the other man’s ear, enjoying the taste and the shudder that passed through the musician's body. This time he earned himself a moan, low and breathy as Hoseok jerked, arm bending and muscular body sinking on top of him until he must’ve realized and tried to get back up. It was so gorgeous that his mind supplied him images of what it might sound like once he touched Hoseok properly.

“I want to, but I have no idea how and you make me feel so hot. I’m hot.”

“You’re definitely hot,” Hyungwon replied and giggled, wrapping both of his arms around Hoseok’s neck to keep him on top of him. It was perfect. He would have preferred to feel more of the blonde man’s weight along his whole body instead of only his chest, but it was so much better than not having the contact at all. “You can just touch me, explore with your hands. You can touch whatever you like, I don’t mind. You can kiss me too, I love kissing.”

The last part seemed to have made the blonde man nervous as he kept chewing on his bottom lip and glancing to the side.

“I don’t know how to kiss. I literally only know how to play cello. And I can dress well and work out, but that’s about it. That’s why I told you to get someone else, one of your… snacks. And I thought we are feelings friends? Do friends kiss? I never kiss Kihyun and I also don’t want to.”

_ There you go. _

Hyungwon didn’t really know where to put the kissing. He just wanted to because Hoseok’s lips were beautifully curved and the blonde man kept making him feel good. It made him want to dive in and find out how that smile of his tasted.

“I- I don’t know either, Hoseok. I only know that I really want to kiss you, ever since I saw you smile like the sun. I want to know what the sun tastes like.” Licking over his lips, he leaned in and rubbed their noses together. It was nice, intimate and warm because Hoseok’s chest still pressed against his.

“Like toothpaste,” the blonde man whispered and leaned forward, pressing his curved lips against Hyungwon’s for a split second before leaning back and staring as if he had committed national treason.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened briefly until he realized what happened and a smile spread across his lips.

“That is not quite a kiss, Hoseok, that is a peck,” he remarked and licked over his lips anyway, hoping that he could taste a little bit of the beautiful man. It didn’t matter whether he tasted like toothpaste. It was about the closeness, the touch and the taste of something inherently him that hid behind all that toothpaste.

“Listen, if lips touch it’s considered a kiss. This is not something you can create a category for, can you?” Looking suspicious, Hoseok obviously tried to distract him from the way he shifted and pulled him closer.

“Huh? But that isn’t a category I invented, Hoseok. There are a few, there is a peck, which is when you simply press lips together, then there is a kiss, which is when you keep them pressed together and open your mouth a little and then there is the French kissing version, that’s when you lick into the other person’s mouth with your tongue. I don’t have enough creativity to come up with stuff like that. I’m glad if I know how to spell the word ‘French’.” He felt proud of his ability to list them all and skipped the explanation of how to do them perfectly or what the advantage was. That was content for lesson two.

“Uh. Okay. Anyways, you wanted to know what I taste like and I told you toothpaste and even kissed you, so now you can be satisfied and go to bed, right?” Smiling a little, Hoseok removed his hand from his hair and exhaled roughly. He was visibly affected.

Hyungwon didn’t want it to end just like that, but he also didn’t want to force Hoseok into anything. He wasn’t a person like that, he was nice and tried to think of others as much as possible. Sometimes it didn’t work too well, because he misunderstood, but most of the time he did quite okay.

Shifting a little to wrap his left leg around Hoseok’s body, he pulled at the blonde hair and met the other man’s eyes. It was really tempting to run his hands over Hoseok’s stomach and brush over his thighs, maybe even over his groin, but he didn’t.

“Can I kiss you too? After that I’ll be a good boy and sleep, I promise.”

There was no sound, only a soft nod and the delicate pull at his waist. The adrenaline was immediate, rushing through his veins along with his blood and Hyungwon couldn’t believe that he reacted that way to something that should have been simple.

_ It must be his first. _

He wanted to make it worth it, to give Hoseok something to treasure instead of stealing his first kiss from him.

“Is it okay if it is me?” he asked anyway as he reached out to cup the blonde man’s face, stroking over his cheek tenderly. He could see the blush on Hoseok’s face and the way his skin moved up on the spot between his collarbones, showing his heartbeat.

“How can it be anyone else?” the blonde man whispered and licked over his lips.

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say to that. The words made him sound like such a special person, somebody that was allowed to be that close, to kiss Hoseok even though it must have been meaningful to the blonde man. He swallowed and nodded before leaning in carefully. There was no way to explain how nervous he felt, as if it was his own first kiss, terrified of doing something wrong, of upsetting the person he was kissing or disappointing them.

_ You have to make it perfect. _

Licking over his plump lips briefly, he leaned forward and pressed his mouth against Hoseok’s curved one, enjoying how warm and soft it felt. Hyungwon was never that attentive while kissing, that aware of how it felt, how his lips gave in and the way he opened his mouth to feel more of it.

Hoseok gasped, fingers tightening around his waist until a bit of hot air hit his mouth and the blonde man parted his lips too. It felt amazing, so much more intense than a kiss usually felt. Hyungwon’s toes curled and warmth passed right from his lips towards his stomach and finally his groin, making him respond to the way Hoseok opened up to him. Applying a little more pressure, he licked over the blonde man’s bottom lip and closed his lips around it briefly before resuming a tender, open-mouthed kiss. He hoped that the other man enjoyed it as much as he did, feeling dizzy too.

His only hint was the breathing. There was a rough exhale, no inhales, then a sudden sharp intake of breath until he felt Hoseok's tongue licking over his bottom lip carefully.

_ He’s following you. _

Hyungwon’s fingers trembled against Hoseok’s cheek, very much unlike him and he added his second hand for support, brushing through the blonde locks and enjoying their silky texture. It was intimate, so intimate and his stomach felt like it was performing summersaults without his permission. It wasn’t just arousal anymore and he didn’t really know what to do with all those sensations. Maybe that was how Hoseok always felt, overwhelmed by all those feelings he couldn’t put anywhere.

Exhaling through his nose, he parted his lips a little more, allowing Hoseok to lick inside his mouth if he wanted to. Hyungwon was taking it slow, as slow as he needed it to be to make the blonde man feel at ease, taken care of.

_ Protected, just like you always want to feel. _

The other man's movements were hesitant, as if he didn't know what he was allowed to do. Sucking on his bottom lip for a second, Hoseok finally licked into his mouth briefly, hot breath hitting his face in a rough exhale. The action immediately sent a wave of arousal and goosebumps over his body, making him tremble even though his palms were holding onto Hoseok’s face to keep his cool. It didn’t work, not with how the musician kissed him.

“You’re so special, it takes my breath away,” he gasped into the minimal space between them and closed the distance again, licking into Hoseok’s mouth and tasting him properly, loving the way there was a little bit of the blonde man behind the wall of mint. He could taste it and he wanted more, to taste nothing but Hoseok on his tongue.

“I feel like melting, it makes me dizzy. The way you taste," Hoseok whispered before returning the kiss and getting a little bolder. Hyungwon let go of the broader man’s face and wrapped his arms around his neck instead, pulling him down and further against his mouth. His body was burning and he tried to do something about it by wrapping one of his legs around Hoseok’s waist, gasping into the kiss between them.

“Me too,” he mumbled and licked over the curved lips, “I feel dizzy too.”

There was some hesitation in the way Hoseok curled his arms around him, but as soon as they touched, it didn't seem to matter anymore, gasps hitting his mouth and hot hands pulling him on top of the other man. Hyungwon immediately used his position to apply more pressure and arrange his elbows on each side of Hoseok’s gorgeous face. He didn’t even know if all of that was still part of kissing, he only knew that he wanted to taste more and to be flat against Hoseok’s muscular body.

Not hesitating much he arranged his legs around one of Hoseok’s muscular ones and licked into the blonde man’s mouth, meeting his tongue and moaning softly into the kiss. It felt so fucking good and overwhelming at the same time. His right hand got a hold of a few blonde strands and he pulled them irregularly, whenever he felt overwhelmed by the tingling sensation that developed as their lips touched.

Hoseok moaned softly before cupping his face with both palms and breaking the kiss.

"This is scary, Hyungwon." The blonde man swallowed and licked over his moist lips. "This is scary because it has no end."

_ Not unless you go further. _

Hyungwon swallowed too, attempting to refocus and not be irresponsible. He was really good at being irresponsible, but now was a bad time for it. He didn’t even know what time it was and both of them probably had to wake up early enough to be productive.

“There is, but you probably don’t want to go there,” he murmured and lay down on his side, wrapping himself around Hoseok’s muscular body as he had announced before. Before they had begun touching and kissing. “It’s not scary, not really, but it can be overwhelming.”

“I know that there is an end for you. I just don't think there is one for me,” Hoseok whispered and there was nothing besides their ragged breaths that calmed down after a while.

_ There is no end for him? _

He didn’t understand, so he didn’t reply, merely wrapping his body tighter around the beautiful man and hoping that the way they made each other feel was going to be the same tomorrow. Hyungwon was scared of changes, it might have been one of the few things he was genuinely terrified of.

_ Then don’t let it change. _

Whatever it was, Hyungwon was going to treasure it to make it stay.

 

***

 

_ There’s no end for you. _

The spot he had stared at didn’t make him smarter or wiser or gave him any new thoughts no matter how long he kept his gaze on it. It was his cello, his friend, the only thing he’d known for most of his life, where he was able to tickle out soft tunes when he gently stroked the strings with his bow.

His thoughts were conflicting, chaotic, didn’t make sense. Why did he kiss the black-haired dancer? Was he in love? Did he want to be close so badly? Why was he so fascinated by Hyungwon’s naked skin, his beautiful eyes, his soft lips and the way his long fingers were able to touch him, making him fall apart and feel so much at the same time? Feelings-friends… was that even a thing?

_ You were confused that’s why you left. _

He didn’t prefer men, he didn’t want anyone to be honest, and feeling attracted to the black-haired dancer was an exception he didn’t need in his life. But then… as soon as Hyungwon moaned, it sounded like his cello, like the soft tunes that managed to calm him down and make him understand the world around him. Music was easy and making music was his forte, so he touched, kissed, held Hyungwon close, wanting to hear more. More music.

_ You played him. _

But there was no end, the realization was scary. A kiss didn’t end because it was infinite, it could continue for hours, making you want more and more like a greedy person, numbing his inhibitions and sharpening his senses, striving to feel more, have more, touch more, hear more. It was scary.

_ He said there’s an end. _

Because Kihyun was right. For Hyungwon being close must be similar to eating snacks. When he opened the package, looking forward to his treat, he was excited, taking out only one bit, smelling it and mouthing it with his plump lips before opening his mouth and savoring the taste. He loved the noises it made when he chewed, how it smelled and felt in his mouth, but after the package was empty, it only made him want to vomit. Hyungwon had opened the package and tasted a bit, eager to have everything until he couldn’t see it anymore, waiting for the next package that differed in taste and gave him more satisfaction.

_ You’re not particularly tasty are you? _

He definitely wasn’t. Apart from being completely freaked out by touching a human, a man for the first time, he wasn’t good at anything Hyungwon considered nice. Neither touching nor kissing. He couldn’t even remember the way he had kissed the black-haired man. Only the greed mixed with terror at how easy it was for him to lose himself.

_ Would it be similar for you? Getting everything and then forget about it right after? _

He couldn’t imagine that because the other man’s taste still lingered in his mouth, even though he had brushed his teeth and ate breakfast, brushing his teeth once again. Still, when he licked over his lips, the intoxicating feeling of Hyungwon’s tongue in his mouth returned and made his insides tingle, begging for the same sensation all over again.

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” Kihyun asked and crouched in front of him, gaze worried and lips pressed together. He was angry and worried at the same time. “I heard you come home at like four in the morning. I threw Nunu out after making out with him for an hour and having blue balls because I thought you would come home and get freaked out, but I see you had plans by yourself. What happened?” Sighing, his best friend curled his fingers around his shoulder and shook him a little. “Come on, Hoseok. Tell me, I won’t judge you, I swear.”

“I think I’m a snack too,” he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip. The words were ridiculous but the meaning they held was devastating.

“You're talking about Hyungwon, right? Did he try something with you? I'll talk to him, okay? He might think that you're like everybody else, but you're not. That's why I told you not to do that. Can't you just... I don't know, finish the performance and return to saying hi and that's it? Are you done? Because I was at the director's office and he told me that he was looking forward to what you would create and that you two are the main act. I'm surprised he didn't say anything about the posters. I dig them though." Kihyun kept talking and rubbing his shoulder in the process. It hurt. 

_ You still don't like touching.  _

He didn't and the confusion he had felt during the past few hours turned into devastation. 

_ You have to make the performance. You have nothing.  _

There's no way he could avoid it.

"Fuck. I have no time for this shit," Hoseok exclaimed and jumped up, finally escaping his best friend's hold and grabbing his phone. 'We need to create the performance. I need good acoustics and some space so let's meet in the old chapel. There's no one there at this time anyway.' Sending off the message he exhaled and turned to Kihyun. 

"I'm going to die."

"I didn't think I would ever say this, but just concentrate on the task at hand. Create and don't worry about anything else, okay? You can do it." Smiling, his best friend came over and hugged him. 

It felt okay.

_

 

The acoustics were perfect and he started with the Swan, smiling at the feeling it gave him, how the soft tunes echoed in the old chapel. It was different playing at a place like this, not only because it was old, but because the music fit to the atmosphere, it created an aura one wasn’t able to feel while playing in a usual building or hall. The walls sucked in the music, decorated themselves in it and changed, creating a different feeling. Hoseok was able to forget his concerns, his confusing thoughts and his memories of the last day, simply playing.

The Swan fit so well and he smiled with his eyes closed before finishing with a long note that echoed beautifully. Hoseok turned to the side and pressed a kiss against the cold wood. He did that when he felt especially thankful for the instrument, those moments when it conveyed what he wanted to say better than words ever could.

“I am envious of that kiss,” a low voice remarked from a bench not too far from him. His eyes fell on Hyungwon, seated on the hard wood with his legs propped up against the bench in front of him. The dancer was neither dressed formally, nor indecently as he had at the club. Hyungwon's long legs were hugged by almost skin-tight pants, similar to the ones Hoseok had worn for sleeping, and shirt resembled the one Mozart had been wearing on his portraits. “If I knew you were going to play the Swan, I'd have brought my tutu.”

“Are you making fun of me?” Hoseok asked carefully, unsure what the other man’s words were supposed to mean. Generally it was scary how fast someone’s perception could change, how handsome Hyungwon suddenly seemed to him, beautiful lips and eyes, partially covered by silky black hair. He was a slave of his own confusion.

“What? Of course not!” Hyungwon jumped up so quickly that he bumped his knee on one of the benches and winced before sinking to the ground and wrapping his arms around his hurt leg. It looked a little ridiculous, but also painful. “Fuck, I’m so clumsy. No- it wasn’t a joke or anything. I actually want to be that cello and be kissed too.”

_ He wants to be kissed too? _

“I… I kissed you once,” he murmured and lifted the bow to distract from the way his face heated up. “Sorry that I didn’t say bye. You were sleeping so soundly and I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“To be honest I thought that I did something terrible to you while you were asleep and you got scared and ran away. I didn’t write to you because I thought you might need time to get over it or to get the strength to talk to me about it. I was actually prepared to listen to all those things I did. You mean- I didn’t do anything?” The dancer looked surprised and stood up from the ground, right hand still rubbing over his knee. “Also, there is no limit to kissing. This isn’t a video game where you have three kisses per day, kisses are infinite and everybody deserves some.”

“Are you providing them for those in need?” Hoseok didn’t mean to sound sarcastic, but the other man’s words reminded him of the ‘snack’ discussion he had with Kihyun. “You didn’t do anything, Hyungwon, but I’m not here to talk about that, I’m here because we need to create a performance and have basically no time.”

“For those in need?” The dancer didn’t let go of the topic and seemed even more confused. “That’s not what I meant. I just think that kisses are nice and people should have somebody to share them with. I’m not saying it has to be me. I only kiss people that I want to kiss.”

“I didn’t think that you didn’t want to kiss. I just said that you are a very generous person.” Hoseok let the bow play the Windows shutdown sound and stared at the way Hyungwon’s long legs looked in the tight black pants. The other man must’ve worn them to dance.

_ You should play and he should dance, and not think about his legs and talk about kissing. _

“You think that the outfit is weird, right?” the black-haired man remarked after following his gaze. “I was practising for another performance, one that isn’t contemporary and that’s how we dress there. All fab and fairy-tale like.” Giggling, Hyungwon stretched out his arms in a welcoming gesture and stood on his tiptoes. He was wearing ballet shoes.

“No, I don’t think it’s weird. I can’t see your whole chest, so it’s an improvement. But why are you wearing ballet shoes? Do you wear them for performances?” He wondered why the black-haired man looked as if he jumped out of the Don Quixote ballet performance.

“Ehm, I do ballet,” the dancer replied and grinned brightly. His right hand played with the opening of his costume, as if teasing him that he could also show chest if he desired to. “I’ve been doing ballet since I could walk, basically. Contemporary art is my way to not be stuck in the past while also keeping my legs safe. Doing this-” Again Hyungwon stood on tiptoes of his right foot and lifted the other upwards, almost reaching his head, “isn’t very good for your bone structure. But it’s worse for the girls. Contemporary is basically me making ballet more exciting by putting different elements into it. With contemporary I’m barefoot most of the time and damn do I hate shoes.”

_ He does ballet? _

“Wow. It’s like me with the cello. I’ve also played since I can remember. I bet it hurts.” Pointing at Hyungwon’s feet Hoseok shuddered. “You can also take off your shoes, but the marble is cold.”

“I don’t mind the ballet shoes,” Hyungwon remarked with a bright smile and shrugged before returning his feet to the ground. His motions were very elegant, Hoseok could easily imagine him on a ballet stage, even the costume he was wearing. “I was practising for a performance this Saturday. We were in the middle of a dress rehearsal, but you wrote to come to the chapel, so that’s what I did.”

“You just came? Just because I wrote you? You could’ve told me that you can’t, why would you ditch a practice?” Hoseok couldn’t believe it. He would’ve never ditched a practice.

“But you wrote ‘need’ and pointed out that now is a good time because nobody is here. You also didn’t use any smileys, like the one with the drop on his head or a smiling one that showed it was a suggestion and nothing urgent. To me it looked like you were standing there with a stone-like face and demanding that we need to work on this, so I came. It’s okay, I know it by heart and we were almost done. They have scenes without Don Quixote too.”

“I’m sorry. But we also really need to work on this, I’m getting anxiety. Have you seen the posters yet? Kihyun told me that he digs them but it can’t be anything good.” Sighing, Hoseok lifted the bow again and played a long chord.

“Sure, they are beautiful! It's you and me and it looks really intense! A few people I don't know said some weird things that I don't understand about them, but I think actually everybody likes them a lot! Did you know that we are the main act?" Hyungwon jumped up and down excitedly as if it was news for him. "I can't wait to be your cello for real!"

_ What weird things? _

Staring at the handsome dancer, Hoseok finally got the part about the main act, which gave him an additional adrenaline shot. 

"Dance for me, Hyungwon," he whispered, letting the bow slide over the strings and closing his eyes, overwhelmed by the beauty of the sound, the chapel or the black-haired man behind his eyelids.

There was no reply, but he heard a gasp, accompanied by the sound of soft ballet shoes on the cold ground, sliding over it carefully until it stopped again. Hyungwon must have been moving, but quietly, resembling a feather in the midst of falling as he usually did.

He wanted to watch. Hoseok wanted to watch no matter what, so he opened his eyes and let his music be inspired by the slim figure moving in front of him. It wasn't Hoseok and his thoughts anymore, there was also him. The dancer.

_ He's gorgeous.  _

Hyungwon's steps were careful and straight, perfectly planned and much closer to ballet than the black-haired man's previous performances. He was delicate, but also restrained in his movements, jumping high but without bending his legs like he had before. The motions were familiar to Hoseok this time, a jump, a beautiful turn, tiptoes and all of it accompanied by tender strokes of Hyungwon's slim arms. It was easy to see the ballerino in him, especially now that he knew. But there was something that he missed.

_ You need to show him. _

“Would you… come here?” Hoseok asked after lifting the bow from the strings and ending the music with one move.

Hyungwon bowed smoothly, right hand stretched out towards him as if the dancer had anticipated the final of his piece. However, surprise passed over the dancer's face in response to his words. Easing out of his ending pose, the black-haired man nodded and walked towards him, reducing the distance between them until he stood right in front of him. Hyungwon leaned down by placing his big palms on top of his thighs, warmth seeping through the fabric. 

“How close?” the black-haired man whispered, breaths tickling his face.

_ Oh God. _

The memories from before came back and he swallowed, eyes watching the handsome face from up close.

"It might seem weird, but could you... uhm... sit here, between my legs?" Hoseok hated how that sounded, but if he wanted Hyungwon to feel the cello, he needed to guide him and it wasn't possible if the slim man didn't sit on the bench between his legs.

“I'd love to,” Hyungwon replied as if it was the most normal request of them all and glanced at the space between his legs. “But your cello is there. I doubt there is still space for me.”

_ Oh. _

“Right.” Hoseok took the cello neck and put the instrument aside while shifting back as far as he could, spreading his legs wide to enable Hyungwon to sit comfortably. “Is it okay like this? Should be enough space for you.”

"I'm slim," Hyungwon whispered and turned around, placing both of his palms on top of Hoseok's thighs as he sat down. The black-haired dancer immediately leaned back and rested his head on his shoulder, black hair spread out on top of his shirt. "This feels nice."

Nice was an understatement with how his heart started beating furiously, making the blood rush through his veins and feeling the heat from the dancer's body with an unknown intensity. Hyungwon's scent entered his nose as the other man threw his head back and he sucked in a long breath, silently hoping that Hyungwon didn't notice.

"I want you to play," he whispered and took the instrument, placing it between the dancer's legs carefully. Hyungwon's lean thighs unconsciously spread a little further.

"Huh?" The weight disappeared from his shoulder as the dancer lifted his head to look at him, eyes wide. "But what if I hurt the instrument? You know that I can't play. Feeling it with my fingers and playing are very different things. I thought you were going to play me."

“I've played you once,” he murmured before putting the bow into Hyungwon's hand. “You need to know how it feels.”

"So I can dance it better?" The black-haired man swallowed and Hoseok could feel that he must have been nervous, shivering a little while still keeping his hands as still as possible. "Show me then."

“You don’t have any pecs, so the cello might be uncomfortable.” Chuckling, Hoseok let the instrument sink against Hyungwon’s flat chest. “You have to take the bow like this. Also give me your left hand.” Curling his fingers around the slim wrist, he lifted the big hand to the fingerboard, putting the long fingers on the strings.

“We are both aware that you are going to feel physical pain as soon as I let the bow touch the strings, right? It's not just me, is it?” The black-haired man was furiously chewing on his cheeks and squeezing his legs against the instrument before relaxing again. He repeated the whole thing a few times. “Okay, I'm terribly afraid of shrieking noises that are too loud and not pretty at all and I'm panicking, Hoseok. I'll be all weird, curled up on the floor and begging for a hug.”

“You are a little bit cute,” he murmured and fixed the way Hyungwon had grabbed the bow. “It’s not a weapon, you know. It’s like a magic wand.” Giggling, he leaned forward to be close to the other man’s ear that looked like a cinnamon roll. Hoseok liked cinnamon rolls. 

“You need to hold the strings, but not stiffly, leave them space to move under your fingertips, but don’t let them escape. Like… like you yesterday, you also moved when I… when I touched you, but you didn’t run away,” he whispered into the dancer’s ear.

_ Why would you remind him? _

“That- sounds really complicated,” Hyungwon muttered but tried nevertheless. His fingers relaxed, but the rest of his body resembled a stone, frozen in place. “I'm pretty good with magic sticks, and this-” he wiggled with the bow, “is definitely not a magic wand.”

“That’s what you say because you have no idea. Relax,” he whispered again and blew air into the other man’s ear for no reason. “Okay, let’s start.” Taking Hyungwon’s hand with the bow, he made sure that the fingers were perfect on the board, before stroking the strings gently and producing a pretty sound. Of course Hyungwon didn’t have any practice in holding or vibrating the strings, but it was okay for the first time and the chapel made the sound so much better.

“That’s-” the black-haired man swallowed and shifted a little between his legs, “really beautiful. But that was obviously you and not me, I am a marionette in the process, delivering what you want to say to the cello. And it’s still not a magic stick, definitely not as smooth but firm in my hand. And it’s not warm either.” 

_ What is he talking about? Smooth, firm, warm…. _

“What… Hyungwon!” he exclaimed and blew into the other man’s ear roughly. He couldn’t believe the dancer would talk about penises while he tried to make him feel music. “Now shut up and play.”

“But I don’t know how to play!” Hyungwon exclaimed and shifted again, right hand moving over the strings accidentally. The sound that the cello produced was physically painful, echoing through the capel and reinforcing the uneven note. The dancer responded immediately and attempted to curl up but couldn’t because Hoseok was behind him and the cello in front of him. Instead, Hyungwon turned as much as he could and pressed his face into Hoseok’s neck.

“That hurt. Don’t just randomly jerk, slide the bow along the strings. Do it the same way you touch people. Imagine you could only touch someone with the bow. How would you do it? Obviously not trying to slice their throat, right?”

“Of course not!” The black-haired man pouted a little and lifted his head, relaxing his body and focusing on the bow in his hand. The switch was fascinating, as if Hyungwon remembered that he was a dancer and knew how to move gracefully. The strength of his grip reduced and the bow lay smoothly in the other man’s hand, ready to touch the strings. “Like this?”

The sound was nice this time, melodic and clear. It would’ve been better if Hyungwon vibrated the strings, but he was already amazed that the other man managed to get out a clear chord.

“Yes, just like this, you’re doing amazing. And now tell me, how does that feel?”

Hyungwon didn’t reply at first and only repeated the same note, allowing it to echo through the chapel. The black-haired man took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“It feels like the one thing that I am able to feel the most, music. It makes me happy.”

“Me too,” Hoseok whispered, suddenly overwhelmed by the shared feeling and leaned in, placing a kiss against Hyungwon’s nape that smelled so nice that he stayed attached with his lips for a few seconds, before realizing what the hell he was doing. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, it feels really pleasant.” Hyungwon reached behind and brushed over his blonde hair, entangling his fingers with the strands. “Thank you for showing me, it’s really different. I’ve... never been able to produce music by myself.”

“You can also pull the strings, it’s easier and you get a feeling of the sound. The chapel is perfect for that.” Hissing at the hand in his hair, Hoseok came closer and buried his nose in Hyungwon’s hair, fresh scent entering his nostrils and making him want to dig his face into it.

The black-haired man nodded and tried it out, pulling at one of the strings carefully while keeping his hands on the fingerboard, applying pressure the way Hoseok had told him to. “You really love the cello, don’t you? How will you feel when there are two?”

“I told you, you are not like my cello, because you are active, unpredictable, warm. There is a lot of difference between you and the cello. Do you feel as if you understand it more? The cello is like a mouth to me, lips that part to say what I can’t say by myself, convey what I’m not able to put into words.” Hoseok leaned back again. He felt dizzy, intoxicated by Hyungwon’s scent.

“It’s how I feel about moving my body. If I can’t tell somebody how much I care I prefer to show it by moving and wrapping myself around them. But hey-” The black-haired man took the cello and put it to the side, next to them, before turning around and simply arranging his legs so that they rested on one of Hoseok’s thighs while his behind was in between, arms wrapping tightly around his neck. The dancer only needed a second to end up on his lap. “I have an idea! How about we show the development, how you did your own thing and I did mine. You’ll sit at one end of the stage and at first play a piece that you are confident in and I will dance to it at the other end of the stage. Then we’ll slowly come closer and transform it into a performance that is ours, like we are doing it now! I’ll become your second cello and you’ll become my music.”

The weight on his lap, the proximity and Hyungwon’s handsome face distracted him from the words the dancer was speaking. After a few seconds, he finally understood. Suddenly he had an additional idea.

“That sounds amazing! I have another idea for the ending, but we would need Kihyun for that. I hope he’ll help me out.” Smiling, Hoseok looked up and was startled by the other man’s face right over his own. “You… you are so close.” 

Hyungwon merely stared at him without saying anything, as if he was expecting Hoseok to do something. A few seconds passed until the dancer tilted his head to the side in question.

“Aren't you going to tell me your idea? Or why did you say that you have one? Also, you've been way closer to me before.”

“No. I’ll tell you later. Also it was dark and I can’t remember,” he lied, looking to the side and asking himself how Hyungwon could stare at him while sitting on his lap and not feel shy about it. “Why aren’t you shy? Makes me feel as if I’m weird.”

_ Maybe you are weird. _

Hoseok dared a glance at the black-haired man on top of him, watching how his big, brown eyes were focused on him, plump lips slightly parted and black locks covering his forehead. There was a drop of sweat that lingered on his temple, and Hoseok reached for it, wiping it away carefully. The warmth seeped through his skin and made him feel warm. So warm. Why did he suddenly want to touch? It was ridiculous. He should’ve been concentrating on the performance, on his playing, the music, but he concentrated on Hyungwon instead. He was so handsome. Hyungwon was. 

“I'm not shy because I know that you feel similar. You also like how I feel when I sit on top of you. I think.” Chuckling nervously the black-haired man must have realized that he was assuming.

“How do you know? Can you feel my heartbeat? Oh no,” he murmured and wanted to hide under the bench, or grab the cello and play something to not think. “I… listen, I have no idea why you’re like this and why I am like this, because actually I don’t like men, I don’t like anything besides my cello, so it’s confusing and I don’t like touching either and I don’t know how to kiss or to do those things you usually do with your snacks, so…” Hoseok glanced up and bit down on his bottom lip, staring at the dancer’s gorgeous eyes. “Why are you sitting on top of me?”

The dancer stared at him, not saying a single thing until his words must have slowly met understanding and his expression transformed tremendously.

“Wait- what? I- I don't kiss my snacks!” Hyungwon looked scandalized, eyes wide and mouth opened wide in shock. “I also don’t do anything else with my snacks apart from eating them! There- there is only that one time when I kissed a package of chips, but that was because I was starving! You can’t just make a rule out of that. I don’t do anything like that with my snacks. I’m not  _ that _ weird!”

“I didn’t mean your literal snacks, Hyungwon. I meant those people you kiss at the club and Kihyun tells me afterwards. Kihyun called them snacks because you make out and whatever else you are doing and then you move on to the next package. So, to come back to my question… why are you sitting on top of me?” Hoseok sighed and threw his head back, communication didn’t work well with them. 

“But- isn’t it really mean to call people snacks? It sounds like there is nothing to them apart from... filling the stomach. Oh god- this is a very strange and unpleasantly appropriate comparison. I don’t really move on to the next package, I don’t go anywhere at all. Usually it’s people that come to me and want something and I offer it because I like warm arms around me. You make it sound like I am constantly starving. I am not, and even if I was and looked for people to be close to, isn’t it a mutual thing then? I am a little confused.” Chewing on his cheek, the dancer shifted on top of his thighs and pressed his slim body into Hoseok’s chest. It took awhile until he realized that he still hadn’t answered Hoseok’s questions. “Oh, and I am sitting on your lap because I am happy here.”

“I see you don’t get it, but it’s fine. It’s none of my business anyway. We won’t create a performance by you sitting on my lap. Let’s practice.” Chewing on his lips, Hoseok looked to the side, watching a very cruel painting of crucified Jesus. It was scary.

“But I like sitting on your lap,” the black-haired man whispered before standing up, hands brushing imaginary dust off his tight, black, ballet pants. “Do you...think I am terrible for kissing people, Hoseok?”

“No, I simply can’t understand the levity because it felt like so much, but maybe I’m just dumb and inexperienced.” Taking his bow, he tried to put his feelings into a category. Some category that made him feel at ease.

“It felt like a lot with you too, like every touch was more potent than it usually is. I could tell that it mattered, so it mattered to me too. I hope that you could feel it and that I made it worth it. I wanted it to be pleasant for you and to take care of you. I really wanted it to be something you enjoy.” For the first time there was blush on Hyungwon’s face, independent of touching. There was distance between the two of them, but the black-haired man had pink cheeks and chewed on his bottom lip, visibly embarrassed.

“See? It’s a mess. That’s why we should concentrate on the performance. The thing is  that I have the prominent feeling that we don’t share the same feelings when it comes to certain things, so I don’t know how we’re supposed to be feelings friends and what the hell it is that we share? The love for music? But I share that with Kihyun too and I really don’t want to kiss or touch him. You are confusing me and this is so disturbing because I can’t think about anything else since yesterday. Can’t we just stop?” Sighing, he played a minor chord and closed his eyes.

“S-stop? Do you want me to stay away from you, Hoseok?” Hyungwon’s voice sounded terrified as every hint of embarrassment and cheerfulness disappeared in a matter of seconds. “I thought we share feelings, feelings towards each other, independent of music. That’s- that’s why I called us feelings friends.”

“You said you just want warm arms. I can’t just give you warm arms, touching is crazy for me. You have Nunu and you have other people, so why me?” Hoseok opened his eyes and stared, bow staying on the strings.

“But- warm arms are just friends. We are feeling friends because I feel things when you smile. I told you that it’s what makes it special. I feel because of you and I can tell that you feel because of me too. The difference is that I am used to some of those feelings, the ones related to touching, but you are not. I like you, you are nice and cute.” Hyungwon lifted the fingers of his right hand as he mentioned adjectives to describe Hoseok. It seemed like the dancer struggled to come up with them, repeating nice for the hundredth time.

_ Amazing. _

“Then like me and let me be ‘nice and cute’ why do you need to sit on my lap and kiss me and all those things? You can like me without doing that.”

“But- oh I don’t know, Hoseok. I see your smiling face and then I get all jiggly and then I need to get close, to kiss those curved lips of yours and feel the pulling in my stomach. I like that and you make me want to feel it a lot. I don’t know how to describe it, usually nobody wants me to, they just want me on my knees. Explaining is really hard. It’s- it’s like I can’t talk properly, so I touch, and when I touch I can show how much I like the person. Some people I touch like friends and some people I touch more. Then there are people that I touch a lot, but not because I want to feel their skin and be close, but because I want the end result, get off basically. This is really complicated. Ah-” Suddenly the black-haired dancer sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around his body, crouching for a few moments until he simply let his body fall to the side on the cold chapel floor and rolled up into a ball.

The action was so sudden that he placed the cello on the bench and hurried over, curling his hands around Hyungwon's shoulders and shaking him a little. 

"What happened? Did you faint?"

The black-haired man didn’t reply and only wrapped his arms tighter around his own upper body. Had it not happened unexpectedly, Hoseok might have assumed the dancer was performing, expressing something dramatic by rolling up.

_ Were you mean? _

He might have been, especially the part Hyungwon interpreted like him wanting to be left alone.

“I like you too. You are handsome and can move so well and your touch feels nice which is special. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be mean to you. I simply have the feeling that I'm not special at all and I prefer to stay away from people if that's the case. The people I call friends are very special people to me.”

“But-” Hyungwon blinked furiously and look up from the ground, eyes reflecting the light more than they were supposed to and arms still wrapped tightly around his slim body. The costume helped to camouflage his narrow build, but it wasn’t good enough when he rolled up like that. “But you’re the only feelings friend I have. Every person that I want to keep close to me is special and there aren’t many. There is only Nunu, who is a friend, and you, who is a feelings friend.”

_ This is ridiculous. Stop talking about it and concentrate on the performance. _

“You don't make any fucking sense, Hyungwon. Warm arms?” he asked and spread his arms wide, squeezing his eyes shut to not be sad if he got rejected.

There was a low hum and an influx of sensations, slim arms that wrapped around his neck, a jump that resulted in long legs curling around his waist and hot exhales that tickled his skin. “You’re not only warm arms,” the black-haired man whispered and buried his face in the crook of his neck, plump lips closing around the skin under his ear.

“But also a substitute for a tree you can jump and hug,” Hoseok commented, moaning softly at the sensation that Hyungwon's lips were able to provide. There was no reply as the other man simply remained attached and held onto his waist with his long legs while placing stray kisses along his neck. Hyungwon didn’t say anything and didn’t do anything else either, he only continuously brushed his plump lips over Hoseok’s skin while holding on tightly.

“You’re being mean,” the dancer whispered eventually. “I don’t know how to show you that I care about you, but I do. I- I trust you. I really don’t know how else to show you.”

“I don't know if I trust you, but I want to be next to you. Close to you,” Hoseok whispered and curled both hands around Hyungwon's lean thighs. He never thought about thighs being something attractive but here he was.

“I want to be close to you too. I’ll take care of you, I promise,” Hyungwon breathed out, sound vibrating along the shell of his ear because they were so close.

“Let's stay feelings friends then.” Hoseok leaned back and smiled brightly. 

It was nice being feelings friends.


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are crazy. I have no words.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 19th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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“I love humans.”

Hyungwon was lying on his dorm bed with a big cup of Chai Latte that Hyunwoo had bought from the Starbucks a few streets away and felt ecstatic. The bubbling sensation in his chest was definitely enough to consider himself happy and content, at least that was his assumption. Emotions were a pretty messy thing and there was no real way to measure them. Often he wished there was a scale for emotions like for weight. You stood on it and it told you, 15% sad, 12% annoyed, 30% tired, 5% in a good mood and 32% needs a hug.

“Says the person that attempts to avoid them when the sun is too bright,” Nunu commented and sat down next to him, sipping on a bottle of beer that he probably got from the performance a few hours ago. His friend didn’t look incredibly social, but a lot of people liked him, so they always got freebies that they collected at home and ate or drank slowly.

“But that’s something different. When I am in a good mood and have the resources I really like humans,” he argued back and took another sip of his drink, licking his lips to savour the spicy sweetness. It was perfect.

“Right now, would you prefer to go out and meet somebody or sit in bed and hang out with me?”

“Sit in bed and hang out with you,” Hyungwon replied without thinking much. It was an easy answer. He liked Hyunwoo and he preferred to spend time with him than with some stranger that he couldn’t read. The exception was the club, because there it was really easy to read people. Everybody came for sex and Hyungwon understood sex, so going to the club was the safest way of interaction. Paired with a condom obviously.

“So even though you love humans you prefer to hang out with one instead of surrounding yourself with many of them. You can be really confusing, Hyungwon. I’ve known you for years, but still you have particular opinions about yourself that aren’t really true in the end. You are super social, but you still attach to particular people and always stay around them.” Nunu sighed and lay back on the bed, heavy shoulders resting on Hyungwon’s legs.

_ Does he want you to be more social? _

“Do you want us to go and meet people?” he asked immediately and shifted a little. If Nunu wanted to go out then they were going to go out. His friend rarely asked for anything, so it was something Hyungwon had to follow if possible.

“No, no Hyungwon. I’m fine, I was only thinking about the new addition to your friend circle.”

_ He means Hoseok, doesn’t he? There is only one addition. _

“You mean my cellist?” he answered and giggled right after. He really liked the idea of Hoseok being the one to play him, a cello, a human that turns into a cello the more time they spend together. At first Hyungwon had wanted to become Hoseok’s cello because he saw the way the blonde man looked at the instrument, how he treasured it. He was curious and wanted to know what it would be like to be looked at that way too, to melt under someone’s hands and give in, to become and play what they wanted him to play. Of course he knew that he was made of flesh and blood and couldn’t turn into a wooden instrument just like that, but he was able to try. Hyungwon wanted to attempt to become the mental equivalent of the cello, evoke the same emotions and the same feeling of safety.

_ But he said that he doesn’t trust you. _

Then maybe Hyungwon had to work on that. He wanted to be somebody that Hoseok could rely on in difficult situations. Maybe not the type of situations that the blonde musician would think of, or that anybody else neuro-typical would thing of, but there were some nonetheless.

“Yeah, Hoseok. Kihyun is really worried about him and talks about him a lot,” Hyunwoo elaborated and turned his head to the side to look at him. The talk felt serious somehow and didn’t fit to the bubbly feeling from before and the happiness at having a warm drink between his palms. The sensation was gone now and Hyungwon struggled to figure out where their conversation was going.

“I don’t understand why you are telling me this. Did something happen? Does Kihyun think I am a bad person?” he asked and swallowed. He liked Kihyun, he didn’t want him to think that he was terrible. Hyungwon was generally scared of people thinking he was terrible. He tried really hard not to be.

“No, don’t worry, Hyungwon.” Nunu smiled and moved closer, stroking over his hair carefully while balancing his beer in one hand. Hyungwon would have already spilled it. “Kihyun is Hoseok’s friend and worries about him a lot and apparently Hoseok started behaving differently. I know that people change and things happen, but Kihyun is a little worried because it is a change that is very new and confusing for Hoseok. He has started to act a little strange and is distracted during his usual tasks. It’s- as if you wanted to dance, but you couldn’t because something was constantly happening in the back of your head.”

_ Did you do that to him? _

Hyungwon tried to imagine it and it wasn’t nice, not at all. He loved dancing and not dancing seemed like torture. But he also saw Hoseok play in the chapel, so the blonde man was still able to play.

_ But he also wanted to prepare for the performance, but in the end you were overwhelmed, wrapped around him and kissed his neck until he calmed you down by stroking over your head. That’s probably distracting. _

“It’s my fault,” he muttered and brushed through his black hair, sad that he was the reason for Hoseok feeling so lost. Hyungwon had wanted to be the one to help him feel safe and at ease, to be taken care of, but in the end he just poked him until he jumped beyond the safety fence. “I was trying to show him how nice it is to be close, but he’s probably confused and I can’t give him answers to his questions. I’m so sorry about that.”

“Do you want him to be your friend, Hyungwon? You don’t just wrap yourself around anyone and usually you make sure to be home first or hide away until you get your awareness back, but with him you seem to feel pretty safe.” Nunu was nodding along as he listened to him and stroked over his hair, one hand squeezing his thigh in reassurance. It was nice and calmed him down a little. Maybe everything wasn’t as bad as he thought. He wanted to be friends with Hoseok, feeling friends because that’s what they were.

“We are feeling friends.”

Nunu’s eyes widened a little in confusion and he glanced to both sides before focusing on him again. That usually meant that his friend thought he mixed something up or misunderstood something. But this time Hyungwon understood perfectly, he was the one who thought up the term after all.

“I thought it up because when I look at his smile there is a little bit of a tingling sensation, but not the one that you get when you are aroused, a different one. I like it a lot, so I told him that he makes me feel a particular way and I make him feel the same way, so we are feeling friends. I think it’s really nice and explains it. That way he doesn’t have to feel bad when his heart beats quickly when I am close and I don’t feel bad for standing next to him and wanting to kiss his beautiful mouth or stare at his smile because it’s like sunshine.” Talking about it cheered him up, so he wiggled his arms a little and emptied the rest of his take-away cup. Only his friend’s facial expression confused him a little. Nunu didn’t appear to share his sentiment.

“That sounds- like a very strange friendship, Hyungwon. What do you mean by feelings? What kind of feelings?” Hyunwoo sat up and also emptied the bottle of beer in his hand, placing it next to the bed afterwards.

Hyungwon didn’t know what kind of feelings there were. He only knew that there was the tingling and other sensations that were too complex to describe. There was the wish to take care of Hoseok, he didn’t have that with Nunu. Not necessarily because Nunu could take care of himself  (because his friend also got awkward a lot and didn’t really know how to start or continue conversation), but because there was something about the cellist that gave Hyungwon the feeling he had something to offer, something to share with him and make him feel safe. Hoseok didn’t want to be close to anybody else, but he liked being close to Hyungwon, so there had to be something about him, right?

“Maybe it’s those feelings that make you want to be close to a person? I like wrapping my body around him and staying attached. It seems like I can close my eyes and fall asleep and I know it will be fine and nothing will happen to me. I don’t do that when I am with other people, I force the last bit of strength out of myself, but with him I don’t really need to. Maybe it’s ‘I’m safe’ feelings. Those sound nice.”

_ But it's different from Nunu. You don't really want to kiss him, not that way. _

“A safe person that you want to kiss?” Nunu asked with a raised eyebrow and removed the blanket from his legs. Hyungwon was a little upset with that because he liked being warm and cozy, so he pouted.

“I do want to kiss him. He has plump, curved lips and touching them feels very special, like I can feel everything even if I can’t quite describe it. Usually kissing can be very mechanical and I only focus on whether there is enough friction against my dick, but with him I kinda forgot about that.” Hyungwon smoothly ignored the time when Hoseok sucked on his nipple and his groin throbbed painfully. “So we are feeling safe and kissing friends.”

His best friend was obviously surprised by his words and Hyungwon could understand that very well. After all he didn’t know anybody else who had a friend like that, so it was pretty cool.

“We can find you a friend like that too, maybe even Kihyun! You seem to like him a lot and he’s very confident and just goes for it. That’s good for you! You’re so shy.” Grinning widely, he jumped up and wrapped his fingers around Hyunwoo’s wrist, pulling him into an embrace to ruffle up his hair.

“I kinda don’t want Kihyun to be my friend,” was the hesitant reply and Hyungwon felt his friend shift in his embrace, attempting to hide his face.

“You don't? Oh-” Hyungwon felt a little bad for misinterpreting the situation until he saw the pink colour on Nunu’s face.

_ Oh, more than friends? _

“That’s amazing! I’m happy for you. I knew you liked him a lot, but I somehow didn’t think about that at all. Let’s celebrate.” He let go of his friend and stalked over to his wardrobe, staring at the contents until he decided on something nice to wear. It was time to go out, even if he had wanted to stay home only a moment ago. There was something discomforting about the whole situation, so he wanted to loosen it up quickly. 

Hyungwon hated that he had so little insight into his own emotions, but he couldn’t really do much about that. It was going to need time and Hyunwoo’s commentary.

_ Maybe Hoseok is also much better at this than you are. _

“You want to go clubbing? Now?” Nunu asked and watched him run around and get dressed in bewilderment. “You sound like I didn’t know that I liked him before this. He’s really smart and bought me lots of food. He also doesn’t mind how much I eat. Also, he loves cooking and watching me dance. Did you hear his voice? It sounds like an angel, a very intense angel.”

His friend’s voice transformed gradually from surprise to admiration. Hyungwon smiled a little at how much Nunu must have liked Kihyun to talk about him like that. The broad-shouldered man only talked about their dance colleagues, food and their lives. There was something exciting about it, but still the heaviness in his chest remained.

_ Distraction, you need distraction. Lots of happy feelings and excitement. _

“Even more reason to celebrate!” he exclaimed and changed into a pair of tight, ripped jeans and a black silk shirt. It looked sexy and had a few transparent bits that showed his build a little more. Maybe he would only have to dance by himself on the dancefloor again, the way he sometimes did. Dancing made him feel good, so he was going to do that.

Nunu looked suspicious for a few moments but gave in, exchanging his home t-shirt for another t-shirt that looked almost the same and slipped into his sneakers. The two of them were a funny team and Hyungwon felt happy to have a friend like that to hang out with. Nunu was always there for him, carrying him around, taking him home, calming him down when he felt bad. He didn’t really know where he would be without his childhood friend.

It was a happy thought but it left a bitter taste in his mouth, strong enough to swallow.

_ That’s it, that’s why you are acting like this. _

Hyunwoo liked somebody now, so it was irresponsible of Hyungwon to be so attached and expect to be taken care of. It would start by going home on his own, continue with spending the night in his own arms and finally end with changing dorm rooms. That’s what always happened in movies. Friends got busy and were in love, spending as much time as possible with their loved ones while forgetting about their friends.

Hyungwon didn’t think that Hyunwoo would forget about him, of course not, but it was true that he hadn’t seen his best friend around much. He was often in the library with Kihyun, went for lunch with the singer if possible and also went for walks after dance practise.

_ Maybe that is why you are losing your shit so often. Are you desperate, Hyungwon? _

He didn’t know, he only knew that he was terrified of being alone.

_

The club wasn’t as full as usual, especially on a Wednesday night. Hyungwon didn’t mind the crowds because he had Nunu to push through them and find a nice spot, enough to make bigger moves and feel the music.

_ But you won't have him forever either. _

After half an hour or more a muscular guy from a department that Hyungwon didn’t know had joined them and kept making advances. It was cute, so he kept responding with small gestures that he had learned, suggestive eyebrow movements and lots of touching. In these cases it was easy, Hyungwon knew what to do and what the people wanted. They wanted him, preferably without clothes and that was something he could arrange easily. Not in the club because he had learned the hard way that people considered that very inappropriate, but in private. 

Currently he didn’t want a stranger in his bed though, so he was fine with kissing, feeling a hot tongue between his lips and hands that roamed over his body, touching his back, cupping his ass and inviting him to wrap a leg around the other man by stroking over his thigh, lifting it a little.

The music was so loud that it covered all other noises, making it easier for Hyungwon to relax and focus on the touches, on the way he grabbed the guy’s hair and clashed their lips together, licking into his mouth to see how he would react, whether he would get turned on quickly and want more. It was his prediction, to learn whether he read the signals correctly. That was also how he practiced, interacting with people at the club to see if he interpreted their actions right and made the appropriate conclusions. The man in his arms definitely wanted more.

But Hyungwon didn’t feel like more, not mentally. His body was all in, reacting to the arousing touches, but his thoughts were still occupied with his best friend being in love and his feelings friend.

_ Are you trying to replace Nunu? _

Hyungwon didn't think so, because he hadn't known about his friend's infatuation before. It was something new and his interactions with Hoseok had happened before that. He trusted the cellist automatically, showing his weaknesses and crying.

_ But there were also misunderstandings. _

Hyungwon couldn't tell how they had become feelings friends, he only knew that it was what they were.

Kissing the man that pressed him to his muscular chest, he tried to focus on their mouths touching, on savouring the taste and the sensation, but it didn't work. It didn't feel special, not the way it had with Hoseok. Hyungwon also didn't feel like he could ask the man to carry him home and he also wouldn't have wanted him to, not that one at least.

_ Maybe it's more difficult to become feelings friends. That's why you only have one. _

Opening his eyes to change sensations, he recognized a pair of familiar almost black orbs that were staring at him. Hoseok didn't move and stood with a drink in his hand, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. The muscular man in his arms must've realized his distraction and cupped his ass, pulling him closer against his body. That was the moment when his beautiful feelings friend slammed his drink on the table next to him, turned around and left.

_ Oh no. _

"W-wait." Hyungwon attempted to peel the other man's hand from his ass and get a little bit of distance to have the ability to talk without their tongues meeting in the process. "I saw somebody."

“This is the club, I see people I know all the time too and everybody knows you, ballerina." The muscular guy chuckled and wrapped his hands around his waist again, attempting to kiss him. 

_ He doesn't want to let you go. _

Hyungwon tried to separate again, suddenly very uncomfortable with the situation. His heart was beating furiously, but it wasn't the pleasant way.

"No- it's important," he mumbled and pushed the broad chest with as much strength he could muster. Once he freed himself, he glanced around in an attempt to find Hoseok. The cellist must have left for the exit.

"It's my feelings friend!" he yelled at the other man who looked annoyed, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Your what? What the-"

Hyungwon didn't hear the rest because the music was loud and his legs were faster, pushing through the crowd on his own. It was terrible and he wanted some air to breathe and preferably Hoseok next to him.

Once the fresh air entered his lungs, he sucked in more of it, greedy for it. He opened his eyes and tried to find Hoseok, scanning his surroundings furiously.

When he couldn't find him immediately, desperation caught up with him. He didn't even know why.

_ His face, he didn't look okay. _

Sinking to the ground, Hyungwon held onto his knees and fought the urge to cry. He was alone, he couldn't do that. Nunu said people would take advantage of him and that it wasn't okay.

"Hoseok!" he screamed loudly and sucked in another breath when his voice broke. He must have done something terrible for the blonde man to look at him like that.

There was nothing for a long time, before strong arms pulled him up.

“What? Just go back,” Hoseok commented quietly, immediately letting go of him.

“I don't want to go back, I don't want anything as long as you are sad,” Hyungwon mumbled and couldn't hold back the way his voice kept cracking. He felt so terrible for putting such an expression on Hoseok's face. As if Hyungwon had grabbed a knife and stabbed the beautiful smile until it disappeared. He didn't want to be somebody like that, he wanted to be the reason it appeared and dared to show itself. Like before.

_ You don't want to go back because it didn't mean anything, but this does. _

He had upset the man inside the club too, leaving him just like that, but he had no qualms about doing that. Making Hoseok leave on the other hand felt like it was ripping him apart, as if he was a jacket and there was a zipper on his chest, constantly being opened by the sound of Hoseok's low voice and the hurt on his face.

“Why would you care? You looked like you were having a lot of fun and the guy seemed way better at kissing than me. Go back.” The blonde man didn’t look at him, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans and staring at the black night sky.

“But I don’t want to kiss him, I only did it to distract myself from the fact that my best friend is in love and is probably going to leave me,” Hyungwon replied and wanted to cry again, remembering why he went to the club in the first place. His knees were wobbly and he barely remained upright, resisting the urge to reach out for Hoseok and wrap himself around the blonde man. “I was also wondering whether I am so close to you because Nunu has less time for me, but that’s not it. I tried to be close to you before Nunu starting being so busy and fell in love and I can't be like this with other people. It seems like I can only be feelings friends with you. Please don’t hate me. What made you so sad?”

“I hate seeing you like this,” Hoseok whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, shivering at his own words.

“Seeing me like...what? Crying on the ground? I’m sorry, it’s- it’s an automatic reaction,” Hyungwon replied and sniffled his nose, unable to clear it after getting so emotional. He hated it when it was stuffy and he couldn’t even talk properly. If Hoseok hated seeing him like ‘that’ then he had to stop the ‘that’.

_ But that was later, Hyungwon. He left while you were still in the club. _

“Oh, is it- is it because he touched my butt?” he asked next and stepped a little closer. He really wanted to understand and make sure that Hoseok was happy. The blonde man was much more important than a random person Hyungwon made out with in the club.

“No. I hate it when people treat you as if you’re a piece of meat. Makes me want to vomit,” Hoseok hissed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “But it’s not like it’s any of my business.”

“I got a little bit sad too, because I wanted to run after you and he wouldn’t let me,” Hyungwon muttered and tried to think about what ‘being treated like a piece of meat’ really meant. Was it like something one could buy? But the other guy hadn’t bought him or anything and Hyungwon got kisses when he wanted to be distracted and the guy hadn’t asked for more, not explicitly. “How do people treat me like a piece of meat? I don’t really understand. Do you mean that there is no feeling when I kiss them, not like with you? I realized that too! I kissed him but there was just nothing apart from arousal, so I decided that being feelings friends is special and only for a few chosen people. Well, you.”

“He wouldn’t let you? What the fuck! Also… I… I don’t know. I just know that I hate seeing you like this and it makes me want to throw a fit, which isn't like me at all. Usually I don’t care. I should stop going to the club but I thought I would see you here, which I did, but now I hate everything.” Sighing, Hoseok pointed at the entrance. “You can go back and be meat or whatever. I don’t even know why you ran out.”

“But I don’t want to go back. I’d rather be with you,” Hyungwon murmured and shifted a little closer, realizing how wobbly his legs still felt. He couldn’t dance like this anyway and he didn’t want to dance either. He wanted to be close to Hoseok and make sure the other man was happy and felt better. “I ran out because I care about you and not about the other person.”

“But I’m just a friend and I obviously can’t give you any of that… stuff, so why would you? Maybe it’s weird that I’m your friend because some girl I don’t know asked me whether you’re cheating on me and if I knew that you were open minded. I have no idea what that’s about and it gives me a headache. I just want to go home.” The blonde man threw his head back and groaned in frustration.

“Can I come with you?” Hyungwon asked immediately and finally reached out, wrapping his long fingers around Hoseok’s wrist. It felt really good and relieved some of the pain in his chest and the waterfall of tears that threatened to run down his cheeks. “I know what she meant. She probably thought that we are dating instead of being feelings friends. I’m sorry that you get asked those things because of me.”

“Come with me then. I’ll feel better knowing that you aren't getting touched by some cupboard-sized asshole while I’m sitting at home and hating you and everything else.” Hoseok uncrossed his arms and looked at him for the first time since the gaze exchange inside the club. “Why would she think that we’re dating? It’s ridiculous.” 

“I guess because we danced together and people have certain opinions about me. That’s what Nunu said, but he didn’t want to tell me what those opinions were. He said it will only upset me and that it’s not worth it because people are wrong.” He shrugged and intertwined their fingers, smiling a little at Hoseok relaxing. “Can I hold your hand on the way home?”

“I guess it’s about the snack thing. Kihyun told me something similar, but he said that you deserved the fun. Just that I shouldn’t become part of the fun.” The other man’s small hand squeezed his carefully as they got going.

“I don’t understand? Are you talking about actual snacks or humans again? Why are you calling humans snacks? This is so strange.” Chewing on his cheek, he made sure to time his steps to Hoseok’s waddling ones and smiled at how cute it actually was. “What fun do I deserve? I don’t know what this is about either, I only know that I want to come home with you and hold your hand. I feel much better now, do you feel better too?”

“I don’t know, my body is full of adrenaline. I’m happy I didn’t break the glass when I slammed it on the table. You deserve to kiss and do all those other things with all those people, that’s what Kihyun meant. And he doesn’t want me to get involved in it.” A car almost hit him, but Hoseok pulled him so hard that he crashed against the blonde man’s muscular chest, impact pressing the air out of his lungs. “Are you crazy? Why didn’t you look?!”

“I don’t know, I was busy looking at your face,” Hyungwon explained and still didn’t bother to glance towards the street, too focused on Hoseok’s face that was so close to his own now. “I don’t really care about doing all those things with those people, but it’s the only time I know what people want from me, so that’s nice. You know, as somebody who doesn’t want to be alone, the club has the advantage that I can’t make too many mistakes. Apart from upsetting my feelings friend apparently. I’ll try not to make you sad anymore, just tell me what to do!”

That was the main reason Hyungwon liked the club. He could dance, do the thing he like the most, wasn’t alone and knew what people wanted from him most of the time. It was nice and simpler than meeting people in the library, during dance class, for projects and everything else. When somebody started talking to him when he didn’t expect it he was super freaked out and couldn’t answer.

“I have no idea what you’re supposed to do, apart from not jumping in front of a car, that is. Do you… plan on staying over, or do you want me to take you home? But you can also decide spontaneously, as you like, you can also, I don’t know, call Nunu, but I think he’s busy with Kihyun,” Hoseok babbled, cheeks turning pink as he stared at him, keeping him close with the grip on his wrist.

_ That's why Nunu gestured towards the bar. He must have seen Kihyun.  _

“I want to stay over,” Hyungwon replied quickly, happy that Hoseok offered and that the blonde man continued to hold onto his hand. It was really nice and warm. It distracted him from the fact that he would have been alone in his dorm room otherwise, without Nunu because he was meeting the singer he was in love with. “Nunu likes Kihyun a lot, so he’s spending most of his time with him. Nunu likes confident people that know what they want and can grab him by the neck and pull him along.”

“Kihyun is the perfect candidate then, but I miss him. He’s out so often and doesn’t listen to me play behind his door, acting as if he’s busy. I miss that.” Sighing, Hoseok stepped back and continued walking.

_ He feels the same way. _

“It’s the same for me. I really miss Nunu. He also meets Kihyun for lunch a lot, so I prefer to stay at home and don’t go anywhere. After practise, I mostly lie on the hallway floor, waiting for him to pick me up, but it takes hours and then I pretend that I just laid down. It’s a little sad too. He comes home late because of final practise and I fall asleep on my own, without him stroking my head or wrapping his arms around me.” Pulling his lips into his mouth, he tried very hard not to get sad, but it didn’t work. His body filled with that unpleasant heaviness and he swallowed repeatedly. “I am so happy that you don’t hate me, Hoseok.”

“I like you,” the low voice murmured and he felt the hesitant fingers slip into the spaces between his, first light like a feather but tightening their grip with each passing second. “Don't lie around on the floor and wait for hours. Just text me. I'm also a friend, aren't I?”

“You are,” Hyungwon whispered and felt a bright smile spread his lips into a thin line. “You are my beloved feelings friend.”

***

What had he been thinking when he went to the club alone? It was simple, really. He had thought that he would see Hyungwon because he knew that Nunu was meeting up with Kihyun and the black-haired dancer hated being alone. 

Hoseok did see him - Hyungwon was making out with a cupboard-like dude who grabbed his body as if it was some object with no free will, but still Hoseok had continued observing. 

Suddenly a girl curled an arm around his shoulder, clinking her cocktail glass against his and asking him whether he was okay fucking Hyungwon even though it was like sharing a drink between a hundred people. Hoseok really wasn’t aggressive, but the vulgar woman made him want to punch a wall. Removing her arm, he said that Hyungwon was a friend and that she should mind her own fucking business instead of touching strangers without consent. He hated being touched. 

Feeling nauseous, he looked in Hyungwon’s direction, seeing how the muscular man grabbed his butt and pulled him. It was so suggestive and made him so angry. He had been convinced it couldn't get any worse until his eyes met the big brown ones and he felt like vomiting and hitting the muscular guy at the same time. Slamming his drink against the table, he ran out, coughing next to a bush and hoping not to vomit from all the adrenaline mixed with disgust. Not at Hyungwon, not at all, at the guy next to Hyungwon and at that woman who talked shit about him.

Leaving could’ve been easy, but there was a scream of his name and the immediate reflex to run to him. He calmed himself down and walked over, pulling the slim black-haired dancer from the ground and trying to make him go back to what he was doing. Kihyun told him once that he was no fun and he tried to avoid fun.

_ But you’re so weak when you’re with him. _

He was. They went home together and he even suggested that Hyungwon could sleep at his place, keeping it a secret that he had bought an additional blanket, underwear and a toothbrush because he didn’t own any of those things, but thought about the possibility that Hyungwon might stay over.

_ Hope. It was hope. _

Embarrassing, it was embarrassing, but he tried not to show it, holding onto Hyungwon’s cold hand instead, listening to the other man’s flow of words that didn’t seem to stop and think until they reached his dorm room and he opened the door. Placing his shoes on the rack, he took off his jacket and hung it on the hook, looking around and thanking himself that he had cleaned everything up.

_ You were hopeful. _

He shook his head like a mad person, before turning to Hyungwon and holding up a bottle of orange juice that he bought in addition to the toothbrush and underwear.

“Would you like some orange juice?” he asked and felt so fucking dumb that his face heated up and he suppressed the urge to throw the bottle against the wall and groan.

“Wah, you bought some?” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and waved his arms around  before kicking off his shoes nonchalantly and throwing himself on top of Hoseok’s bed. It looked funny because the black-haired man’s body flew up in the air once before settling on the mattress for good. “I’d love orange juice! It has this sweet but prickly quality. Do you know what I mean? As if someone is kissing but also poking your tongue at the same time. Only that it’s nice and tasty. Ah- nevermind.”

“That makes no sense. Do you… do you like the bed? Is it comfortable? Do you need another blanket? I have another blanket. And also a toothbrush.” He was fucking hopeless and he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“Can you be the blanket instead?” Hyungwon asked and grinned brightly, wiggling an eyebrow as if to emphasize he was being suggestive.

“You can sleep on the floor,” Hoseok murmured and threw the bottle in the other man’s direction.

“I was wrong, please don’t punish me with objects,” the dancer immediately replied and caught the bottle with one hand, visibly surprised that he managed. “I was joking, but also not really. I am joking about you being an actual blanket, but I would really like to have you lying on top of me. It’s nice.” As if he was talking about the weather, Hyungwon smiled brightly and symbolized Hoseok lying on top of him by stretching out his arms towards the ceiling and wrapping them around an imaginary Hoseok, shaking back and forth as if he was squishing the imaginary person.

“But isn’t it weird to be so close to someone all the time? I mean… what do you do if they don’t let you go? Like that cupboard guy from before? Don’t you… like… think that it’s reckless?” Hoseok didn’t even want to imagine what kinds of things Hyungwon did with the people he took home, but it could be dangerous, especially if he changed his mind. How did he protect himself? Was he good in martial arts?

“My reply to your first question would have been yes, but Nunu told me that it depends on the person and that I don’t like to be close to everyone. I guess he’s right. The guy today was a little upsetting, but I just pushed him away with both palms, like this-” Hyungwon demonstrated by pushing his palms into the air, it wasn’t really necessary to understand what he meant, but oh well. “Well, there have been times when it got a little uncomfortable, but usually Nunu talks to them in his very calm and rational manner and makes it okay. I don’t really know what he tells them to be honest, but it’s probably ‘please be nice’. Most of the time I just go along though!”

There was no way for him to word his question vaguely because Hyungwon simply didn’t understand, so he sucked in a long breath and stared at the other man’s handsome face for a few seconds before speaking.

“I mean something else. Do you have Nunu around when you… like… are close to others? I mean really close, like… naked. Don’t you think that it’s dangerous that you just get really intimate with someone you barely know? Aren’t you scared that they might do something you don’t like? Don’t you need trust?”

“Hmph,” Hyungwon mumbled and fumbled with the blanket, obviously in thought and much less confused than the first time. “Nunu is in the next room, sometimes, but mostly he goes out to dance or for late night dinner. When they do something I don’t like, they won’t do it for long right? It’ll be over eventually, so I can just wait a little or take over and do something that I like. I’m not that scared because they want the same thing, don’t they?”

“You are crazy. I have no words,” he murmured and looked to the side to suppress the nausea that immediately came back as if it never disappeared in the first place. “There’s a reason I really like teaching kids and why I fucking hate adults. It’s because if you tell kids to not fucking touch you or your cello, they listen and do the things you tell them to do, while adults think that they know better, even though they know fucking nothing and act like assholes trusting in questionable experiences that don’t mean anything.”

“Huh?” Hyungwon sat up on the bed and looked at him intently, as if he was trying to understand him by looking at his face instead of processing his words. “Do you think I cannot trust those people because they do as they like? My mom always said if you cannot avoid violation then you should relax and try to have fun.”

“Why would your mom, or literally anyone think that enduring violence is something a human should be doing? That’s bullshit. Do you know why I wanted to hit that guy today? Because he had no fucking respect for you as a human and that’s fucking disgusting,” Hoseok hissed and ran to the bathroom, closing the door behind him to get a hold of the prominent feeling that he had to empty the contents of his stomach in the toilet bowl.

There were sounds of a blanket moving and steps on the floor, making their way towards the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asked quietly and scratched on the door. “My mom just thinks there are some things we cannot avoid and therefore it is better to enjoy them. Like when I didn’t want to go somewhere because they randomly changed plans and I rolled on the ground crying. That’s when she said to try to have fun even when I am getting abused like that.”

“That’s not abuse, it’s childhood, Hyungwon. What I was talking about was something else.” He opened the door, staring at the big brown eyes and plump, red lips that looked so pretty. Why was Hyungwon so handsome? “You’re so fucking frustrating.”

“W-why? What did I do?” the black-haired man whispered and pointed at his chest, eyes wide and lips pushed together to create a pout. He didn’t look like he was doing it on purpose, but it didn’t make it better. “But isn’t it the same? When I already invited them over and agreed to be touched and stuff, then I can’t keep making more demands, can I? So I should try to enjoy, even if I don’t quite enjoy something.” Hyungwon shrugged again, as if it was nothing.

“God, have some self-respect, Hyungwon! Why would you let somebody do something to you if you don’t like it? Of course you can make demands! You can even throw them out, naked, it’s your right. Argh, how can you be like this?” He wanted to reach out and shake the other man, but slammed his palm against the doorframe instead.

The dancer’s eyes widened at the sound and he moved a step back. He must have been uncomfortable because of the loud noise.

“Well, because- they also do things that I like, don’t they? So it doesn’t seem to be all that bad to just wait for it to be over. It seems more difficult to me to explain what exactly is wrong than to just deal with it. Am I wrong? Please tell me if I am, I wouldn’t know. I just do what I learned and the club is the only place I can interact in a way that makes people like me.”

“This… this is terrible,” he whispered and stepped closer, removing his hand from the door frame and focusing on the other man’s face to bring his point across, so that Hyungwon would finally understand. “And now please listen to what I’m about to tell you, okay? You are really nice to interact with, you are funny and you talk so much, so I don’t need to say a lot for us to have a conversation. You have interesting opinions and you move so beautifully. Your dance can tell so much, it showed me what my own music looked like for the first time in my life. I still remember the way you danced to it. And…” Hoseok reached out and touched Hyungwon’s cheek carefully, brushing along the smooth skin lightly, without applying too much pressure. “And you’re an amazing person, beautiful and kind, emotional and fragile, elegant, you are worth so much more and I hate thinking that people treat you badly and you let them, because to me and in general, you’re stunning and gorgeous, precious and unique.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and Hoseok could clearly see the black-haired man’s bottom lip trembling before he bit down on it, eyes glimmering a little, as if the dancer had teared up at his words.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said something that nice to me,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed once, hands immediately reaching out to wrap around Hoseok’s neck, hugging him tightly. “I didn’t really think that people were treating me badly. They sometimes do with words and Nunu tells me, but I didn’t think they treated me badly in those situations. I- I can’t really tell. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like.”

“It’s supposed to be like: I really want to kiss you right now, but I won’t because we are having a conversation and you’ve already had a bad experience today at the club, so pushing even more on you would be irresponsible and assholish, which is why I’ll hug you as much as you like and be your blanket, if that’s what you really want.” Hoseok chewed on his bottom lip, seeing how handsome Hyungwon was, so so so handsome.

Blinking a few times, the dancer looked at him, processing his words until he suddenly smiled brightly and leaned in closer, brushing their noses together.

“Please kiss me then.”

Hoseok wanted to start a discussion about his lack of kissing skills and other related topics, but the beautiful smile and the way Hyungwon looked comfortable in his embrace persuaded him. Swallowing once, he curled the fingers of his right hand around the other man’s neck, slipping them into the black hair and tilting his head a little. He remembered how he had figured out why one couldn’t kiss while keeping their head straight, the nose was an obstacle. His tongue licked over his lips slowly, before his eyelids fluttered shut and he felt Hyungwon’s soft mouth against his, warm and combined with the delicious scent entering his nose.

The other man hummed pleasantly and kept the touch simple for a few moments longer until he applied more pressure and parted his plump lips, closing them around Hoseok’s bottom lip carefully. Hyungwon relaxed into the embrace, letting Hoseok hold onto him instead. The dancer’s long fingers played with his hair, wrapping it around one of his digits playfully without pulling.

It felt so nice. Like being enveloped by a cloud of warmth that traveled all over his body and heated it up slowly, steadily. His lips parted and he licked into Hyungwon’s mouth carefully, exploring hesitantly and paying attention to how the other man’s body felt in his arms. His other hand curled around the slim waist, but he didn’t pull, keeping his position and only playing with the black hair that slipped through the spaces between his fingers.

The black-haired man moaned at the touch of Hoseok’s tongue and returned it by using his own, playing with his before licking over his lips and sucking the bottom one into his mouth playfully. The arms around his neck wrapped tighter and Hyungwon exhaled roughly through his nose, unwilling to break the kiss. Only a few moments of heated kissing were necessary to feel a slim leg wrap around his body.

It happened so quick, as if it got more intense with each lick, each sharp exhale, each touch. He broke the kiss reluctantly and licked over his lips, trying to get more of Hyungwon’s taste on his tongue.

“I… I didn’t mean to… I… I only wanted to tell you that you’re gorgeous and amazing and that I wanted to kiss you independent of- of all this.” He tried defending himself, but it sounded insincere with how rough his breaths were. Was he a hypocrite? Did he also want the same things that others…

_ Oh god, no! _

“I swear!”

“W-what?” The dancer was confused, blinking repeatedly and licking over his lips, one leg still wrapped around Hoseok and unwilling to let go. “Independent of what? Weren’t we kissing because both of us wanted to? I asked you to kiss me, so what are you talking about? You didn’t do anything terrible, rather the opposite. You make me want to cover your neck in kisses.” Hyungwon observed him intently and tilted his head a little, pink tongue licking over plump lips.

“I… I don’t know,” he murmured, unsure what else to say and feeling the heat from Hyungwon’s leg that pulled him closer to the other man’s slim body. It felt so nice.

“I only know that I would really like you to do more of that. I haven't told you, but I find you beautiful too. Especially your smile, it's what made us feelings friends. I wouldn’t mind you making me feel even more.” Hyungwon smiled and used his right hand to cup his face, thumb brushing along his cheek carefully. “You’re like an angel, taking care of me no matter what terrible things I do. Thank you, Hoseok. Thank you for believing that I am a good person. I’m really trying.”

“But you didn’t do anything terrible! At least not on purpose. Would you… really like it if I kissed you more? Here? In the bathroom?” Hoseok stroked over the other man’s hair and asked himself how other people managed to have real relationships and everything if he wasn’t even able to stop being awkward in his feelings-friendship.

“I would kiss you anywhere, Hoseok. It feels amazing,” Hyungwon replied with a wide grin, placing a peck on his lips before placing another on his nose, each cheek, his forehead and finally his mouth again. This time it stayed for longer and the black-haired man’s lips parted to deepen it, fingers playing and pulling at his hair in succession.

He gasped at the combined sensations, at how his body moved closer, centimeter by centimeter until there was nothing but fabric between them and he felt the warmth and Hyungwon’s heartbeat against his chest. It felt intense, so intense because he wasn’t exploring by himself, but because they were kissing and touching each other, obviously liking how it felt. 

His hand traveled over the dancer’s back, drawing along his spine with his index and middle finger as his lips tasted everything that Hyungwon was willing to give him. He tried to play with the other man’s hot tongue that dipped into his mouth, teasing him, making him want to reply and tease too. It felt like he was burning up.

A soft moan vibrated against his lips as Hyungwon responded to his attempts and wrapped his body tighter around him. Biting down on his bottom lip, the dancer used his grip around Hoseok’s shoulder to lift up and wrap his other leg around him too, forcing him to hold the weight. The touches got more and more intense as the black-haired man began to pull his hair and whimpered into the kiss, pulling him closer and licking into his mouth, tasting him.

He got dizzy, senses blurring and heat taking over. He had never felt anything like this before.

_ You need to lay down, or you’re probably going to faint. This is embarrassing. _

There was no way to tell Hyungwon without breaking the kiss, so he held the lean thighs and moved towards his bed, sitting down on the edge and letting himself fall, landing on his back. Hyungwon immediately rearranged his legs on each side of his hips, sitting right on his groin and leaned in to devour him again, plump lips pressing against his and big hands stroking over his hair and his shoulder, fingers rubbing over a nipple through his shirt. It was as if a firework of sparks passed through his body and he jerked, moaning right into the plump mouth.

_ Oh god. _

He needed to distract Hyungwon to escape further embarrassment, so he curled one of his hands around the other man’s head and pressed him closer, licking between his lips and sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. He loved how the texture felt, how plump it was.

“Shit, Hoseok, you sound amazing,” Hyungwon muttered and leaned in again, using his teeth to nibble on his lips and continuing downwards, along his jaw and neck that the black-haired man covered with kisses and bites, breathing heavily. Hoseok had never thought that he would have difficulties shutting up, but there he was, compensating through rough exhales and holding his breath.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” he hissed and let the words be followed by a breathy moan.

“You’re enjoying yourself aren’t you?” Hyungwon asked and lifted his head briefly, smiling at him in reassurance. The black-haired man only removed his lips, not his hands that were roaming Hoseok’s chest, brushing over his nipple as the other man’s fingers suddenly slipped under his shirt, travelling over his naked skin.

This time his moan was so low and weird that he didn’t recognize it at first. Why the fuck did he sound like this? His body was ablaze and the touches overwhelmed him in their intensity. What if Hyungwon only touched him because he thought that it was the only thing that he wanted?

“You… you don’t need to do any of this. I like you without you touching me and… and playing me.”

“I like you too, even when you don’t touch me either,” Hyungwon whispered and lifted Hoseok’s shirt a little, until it revealed his navel that the black-haired man placed a kiss on. There was a gorgeous smile on Hyungwon’s face and he licked a line from the waistband of his jeans all the way to his navel. “I touch you because I want to and because you seem to enjoy it. You sound very beautiful and you taste like heaven.”

“Is this what dying feels like?” he murmured and got so fucking shy all of a sudden, just from watching Hyungwon kiss his stomach. Another glance down there and he wanted to disappear, cheeks burning like fire. His jeans were so tight that the dancer must’ve seen it.

“I think dying hurts, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and licked over his stomach again until he dipped his tongue into Hoseok’s navel playfully, smiling brightly. “I hope that this doesn’t. Would you like to feel more?”

_ More? _

He wasn’t stupid or anything, just not interested in anything beyond the cello, so he stared for a few seconds.

“Don’t you… uhm.... want to sleep? And brush your teeth, and take your clothes off and all those things you have to do?”

“I do want to take my clothes off,” Hyungwon replied and giggled softly, “but I don’t want to scare you. I also prefer the way you taste before you brush your teeth. It’s really nice and makes me feel at ease, apart from tight jeans of course.”

_ Is it because you hid under the blanket last time? _

He glanced down and realized that Hyungwon had a similar problem, without having any problem-awareness that is.

“Then… then taste me,” he whispered and curled his hands around the other man’s shoulders, pulling him down and clashing their lips together. Hyungwon felt so good, so so good. His lips, the touches, everything. He never thought that he would enjoy being touched like this. He didn’t think that he would enjoy being touched at all.

The black-haired man seemed eager, kissing back vigorously and lying down on top of him. It was easy to feel the way Hyungwon reacted to their touches against his thigh, firm and hot. He didn’t have to do anything about it, so that was nice because he had no idea about that. Curling both arms around the other man’s waist, he decided to make it easier for himself, and turned them. Hovering over the stunning black-haired man, he didn’t have to rub his groin against anything. Rubbing felt like being set on fire, so he propped up on one elbow and placed kisses along his beautiful, delicate neck. It was so attractive.

Hyungwon moaned softly, in the same beautiful note that the other man had moaned before, throwing his head to the side to give Hoseok more access. The dancer’s hips also pushed upwards automatically, but he attempted to ignore that.

“Shit, this is so beautiful. Can I…,” biting down on his bottom lip, he let his hand travel to the seam of Hyungwon’s shirt and slipped under it, slowly stroking upwards until he found the small, erect nipples, “... touch you here?”

“Please,” Hyungwon gasped and wrapped his right leg around him from below, pulling him down again and moaning loudly, this time because of something else though. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I was more restrained last time, I’ll try to be restrained.” Sucking his lips into his mouth, the dancer returned his leg to the mattress and exhaled heavily.

“No! You don’t have to be restrained! Just do what you like!” he exclaimed and paused his movements, holding his breath at the friction against his groin. It felt intense, but he hated that Hyungwon had a thought of how he ‘needed’ to behave. “You can also throw me off of you!”

“But I don’t want to, I want to press you down and moan into your face, but at the same time I also want you to continue touching me with your hands and your lips and- everything is so intense with you. I love it, but I’m also really aroused.” Hyungwon smiled and reached out to brush through his hair, pulling at his blonde strands to have him close enough to kiss his lips again. “You can explore, I really like it. I just hope you don’t get upset if I get too loud and move under you, seeking friction. I can’t really control it.”

“Is there… something you would like me to do?” he asked carefully because the complexity of Hyungwon’s state threw him off track. His fingers were rubbing over the tiny nipple absentmindedly while he tried not to lower his hips and listen to the black-haired man under him.

Hyungwon hissed and threw his head back, pulling his hair at the same time subconsciously. Glancing back up, Hoseok could see that there was much less of the brown color of the dancer’s eyes than usual. His pupils took up most of the space, making his eyes appear almost black.

“Undress me, I prefer to be without clothes,” was the low reply as Hyungwon reached out for his shirt and pulled it up a little.

“Are… are you sure?” he asked, eyes widening and gaze traveling over the slim body.

“Yeah, if it’s okay with you. You can touch me again if you like.” Hyungwon shifted and bit his lip when Hoseok’s hips brushed over his groin.

_ Undressing. You undress yourself too, it can’t be that hard. _

Curling his fingers around the seam of Hyungwon’s black shirt, he lifted it slowly, revealing more and more of the other man’s slim, but lean body, golden skin, smooth and looking like something Hoseok wanted to taste. As soon as he could see the small, dark nipples, he licked over his mouth, remembering how they felt between his lips and imagining how they would feel under his tongue. His jeans were way too tight for this.

_ You’ve never had these problems before. _

Hyungwon watched him intently and nodded slowly, as if he wanted to encourage him in whatever it was that he was thinking about. The black-haired man lifted his upper body from the mattress and raised his arms, waiting for Hoseok to pull the fabric over his head.

_ Okay, and now? _

“More?” he asked after Hyungwon was half naked. “Or do you want to take off your jeans yourself and I get changed into my pyjamas?”

“Take them off for me,” Hyungwon replied and smiled again, lifting his hips enough to allow Hoseok to pull the fabric down.

His fingers shook as he reached for the button and tried to focus on the round object alone, without noticing how tight the fabric was around Hyungwon’s groin, how it retreated to the side as soon as he pulled down the zipper and how gorgeous the other man’s long legs looked without anything covering them. Hoseok also successfully ignored the gasp that left the black-haired man’s lips as soon as the pressure of his jeans was gone. He needed to change, but how was he supposed to do that if he was so aroused that everything would be visible.

“Can I...undress you too?” Hyungwon asked carefully and reached for his chest, stroking over it and lifting the shirt a little bit, enough to reveal the waistband of his jeans.

_ You undressed him too. _

“I guess,” he whispered and licked over his lips, unable to tear his gaze away from Hyungwon’s naked skin.

The dancer smiled brightly and didn’t hesitate before pushing him back against the mattress, almost off the bed because there wasn’t a lot of space. Hyungwon climbed on top of his thighs and rubbed his behind over them once, as if he wanted to try it out. Watching him intently, the other man began unbuttoning his shirt with practised fingers, uncovering his naked chest gradually and placing kisses along his collarbones and neck.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, Hoseok. I would wrap you around me and kiss your lips for the rest of my life if I was able to without starving.”

“Do you really think so?” Hoseok whispered, gaze not leaving Hyungwon's face.

“Yeah,” the black-haired man replied immediately and pushed the fabric off his shoulders, lips travelling along his pecs until they closed around one of his nipples, sucking on it without any prior warning.

An explosion. It was like his body exploded into tiny pieces that felt everything with double intensity, making him jerk, move his hips under the beautiful man. He moaned loudly and curled his fingers into the black hair, unsure whether to push the black-haired man off or to pull him closer.

“Oh God,” he whispered and tried to get a hold of himself by holding his breath. “This feels insane.”

“I’m sensitive too, that’s why I moan when you touch me like that,” Hyungwon explained quietly and did it again, rubbing over the bud with his tongue right after. The dancer’s right hand slipped between his legs in the meantime, opening the button of his jeans and pulling down the zipper. The relief was immediate as it reduced the uncomfortable pressure on his groin, but he moaned once again, startled and unsure why he was reacting like this. He wanted his dick to stop begging for attention and leave him alone, just like it had all those years before he met Hyungwon.

“You feel nice on my lap,” he murmured, trying to distract from his embarrassing reaction.

“That’s because I belong here,” the dancer replied quietly and rolled his hips forward, brushing over his groin in the process and gasping around the patch of skin in his mouth. Hoseok could feel the vibrations clearly, making him gasp in response. “Can I pull your jeans down your legs?”

“Yes. But Hyungwon… ” he waited for a reply.

“Yes?” The black-haired man looked up from his chest and stopped kissing his skin, watching him intently.

“I don't want to be someone who you feel nauseous about because you had enough,” Hoseok whispered quietly, feeling vulnerable and a little lost.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s a lot of feelings for being feelings friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 21st of June at 2 PM CET.  
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'If you cannot escape violation, then you should just relax and try to have fun.'

It was one of the sentences that Hyungwon had heard countless times and in every situation possible. It was the excuse to take him along to a place he didn't want to go, to make him eat something he didn't like and finally to bear something that made him cry.

Hyungwon applied the words to every area of his life, so why would sexual contact be any different? A lot of people didn't really know what the other person enjoyed, neither did Hyungwon most of the time. He was lucky that pleasure was one of the emotions he could read best. Others couldn't, so they were bound to make mistakes and do things he didn't enjoy. Wasn't it mean of him to force them to stop or ruin the atmosphere? He didn't want to do that, so he waited for it to be over and remained silent.

_ But he said it makes him sick. _

Hoseok's face had said it all, the way the blonde man's face began to resemble his hair and he looked away, fighting the urge to empty his stomach. Hyungwon had never met anybody who was so sensitive to him being treated badly. He wasn't even aware of the bad treatment.

Hoseok was so special, in every way possible. The cellist cared about him, told him things so nice that he teared up and desired nothing more than to wrap himself around the other man's body and kiss his lips, for eternity.

Sitting on top of Hoseok's lap and tasting his skin, Hyungwon could tell that it was special. It wasn't the usual kissing and acting on arousal. The arousal was there but it wasn't the main point. He didn't only want to orgasm, he yearned to run his hands over Hoseok's naked skin, see how the blonde man would react, whether the gorgeous low moans were going to leave his lips again.

_ This is addicting. _

Licking over Hoseok's collarbone and rolling his hips forward, Hyungwon dared to ask the musician to undress him further and to pull his jeans down his legs. He felt excited and a little worried that he was going too fast and might scare Hoseok.

"Yes," the blonde man replied, breathing heavily and stroking over his lower back. It felt really nice, especially without clothes. Hyungwon felt a little dizzy from touching and whimpered softly before rolling his hips again. Only when Hoseok said his name did he look up, watching  the muscular chest rise and fall and the almost black eyes carefully. He could meet them easily, be just like everyone else if it was about Hoseok.

“I don't want to be someone who you feel nauseous about because you had enough,” Hoseok whispered quietly, fingers dancing over his skin and showing him that the man under him was nervous, scared even.

_ But how could you be nauseated by him? _

"I can't have enough of you, Hoseok, I'd rather be with you than with anybody else or by myself," he answered quickly and embraced the shy man again. Hyungwon wanted to show him that he meant it, that he liked him a lot. He didn't know how to show that, so he squeezed Hoseok between his arms and rubbed his nose over the other man's shoulder. "I'm really happy here on your lap, I promise!"

“That's that's not what I mean, Hyungwon. I'm scared that you'll think that I'm the same as those people in the club, that you'll rip me open, eat everything and leave the shell behind, a little disappointed because you’ve had better ones before.” Hoseok looked vulnerable, holding onto his waist and bottom lip trembling.

“That- sounds really terrible, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied carefully, shocked that the other man expected him to do something like that.

_ Is that why he called those people snacks? _

Suddenly he understood what the other man must have meant, what he was scared of.

_ He doesn't want you to take the pleasure and leave him behind. _

"I won't do that, Hoseok, never. You're special, you're my feelings friend, aren't you? We share more than a need for pleasure. We could-" Hyungwon swallowed and slipped back on the other man's muscular thighs, "we could also not touch and it would be alright, because we share music and closeness independent of arousal. We share feelings."

“We could, but we're still here undressing each other. Why do I want this if I'm your feelings friend and not some asshole from the dancefloor. Or am I?” Swallowing Hoseok reached for his face and stroked over his lips with his thumb, smelling like soap.

_ Is this bad for feelings friends? _

Hyungwon didn't know, he thought up the term to describe whatever it was that was happening between him and Hoseok. There was no definition that said what was okay and what wasn't.

"You're not like somebody from the club because I care about you and I think you care about me too. You ask all those questions and worry, so you're different. You're also feeling things while touching me like this, right? So isn't it okay to touch each other? Isn't it important that it is mutual like before?" Hyungwon nodded to support his words and moved a little closer again, brushing his clothed erection over Hoseok's. It felt really good, so he gasped quietly and blinked a few times. "This feels good for you too, right?"

“I don't know how this is supposed to feel, it makes me dizzy and want to pull you closer- have you all over me. I- could ignore arousal before, but now it doesn't work. It doesn't with you, fuck,” the blonde man moaned, eyes fluttering shut.

"But why would you ignore it, Hoseok?" Hyungwon asked and brushed his lips over the shell of the blonde man's ear. The reply surprised him because not many people ignored arousal unless they were in public. Why not give in and enjoy it? "You could feel so good instead, why don't you?"

“Because…,“ the low voice whispered before Hoseok buried his face in the crook of his neck. “Because I have no idea how that feels.”

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened for a brief moment, but luckily Hoseok didn't see, breathing roughly while hiding his pretty face in his neck. It was important that the blonde man didn't feel bad or stupid for not knowing, so Hyungwon brushed over his hair and hummed in understanding. His heartbeat was deafening in his ears and he wanted to show Hoseok so bad, to make him moan loudly and see how he looked when he felt real pleasure for the first time.

_ But this isn't your decision, it's his experience and it's up to him whether he wants you to be part of it. _

"Would you... like to know?"

“How would I know if I feel dizzy just from the sensation of you sitting on top of my thighs? I have the feeling that I'll fall apart if there's less fabric between us, but you do stuff like this often and you're still alive, so I guess it's safe. Is it safe?” Lifting his gaze, the blonde man looked so young all of a sudden.

"It's... perfectly safe," Hyungwon replied, surprised that Hoseok asked questions like that. "It's perfectly natural, I'm sure you had lessons, right? Don't you touch yourself or- have wet dreams if you don't?"

“A few times when I was really young, but I ignored it. I… I didn't have any reason to touch myself. Not that I have any now. I just wanted to kiss you but it simply happened. Ah, this is embarrassing.” Hoseok buried his face in his shoulder, groaning loudly.

_ You could never resist, especially not as a teenager. _

"It's not embarrassing at all!" Hyungwon exclaimed and cupped Hoseok's face with his big palms, smiling to reassure him. "For me it also starts with kissing and then there is heat pooling in my lower body and I want more, to touch and be touched."

“I want to kiss and touch you until I faint,” Hoseok mumbled and turned to kiss the fingers that cupped his cheek. The gesture was intimate, so Hyungwon gasped and sucked his lips into his mouth. He wanted to touch Hoseok so badly, to make him feel good and moan because he thought his body was about to explode.

_ You're about to explode. _

"I don't want you to faint, how about we make you feel good instead? I'll be really slow and careful and you can tell me if you don't like something or it's too much. How about that?"

_ He's sensitive, so you need to be slow. He's precious, Hyungwon. _

“But what about you? About your pleasure? Can't you just tell me what you like and how to do it? I'm really good with my fingers, I can even vibrate them. And I can do different things with my hands, my coordination is no joke!” Hoseok lifted his hand and moved his digits in front of his face, promoting himself as well as he could.

"Fuck," Hyungwon simply muttered as his imagination washed ashore images he didn't mean to have at this point. He imagined himself on hands and knees in front of Hoseok while the other man thrust his fingers inside of him, making him scream. He wanted it so much, but he also wanted to make Hoseok moan desperately.

The blonde man didn't have any sexual experiences at all, so Hyungwon had to make sure that Hoseok felt safe and willing to let go, that he trusted him.

He groaned at the way the images made his dick twitch against his underwear despite his best intentions and bit down on his lips. His sexual thoughts about Hoseok had been more restrained until that moment. Hyungwon simply hoped that the way his body reacted didn't scare Hoseok. 

"Oh God, I think you just moved down there," Hoseok whispered and looked up. "I learn fast if it's mechanical! But I can also... just touch you randomly without a plan. As you like. I actually wanted to change into my pyjamas, but it'll get even more embarrassing because I don't wear underwear underneath and the fabric is thin. Like... silk. Or we can talk until my arousal fades."

_ You'll just suffer from unrequited desires. _

"But I don't want your arousal to fade," Hyungwon muttered and couldn't get the image of Hoseok's rather big dick pressing against the fabric of his pyjamas out of his head. It was probably going to visit him in his dreams. After the last time, he dreamt that Hoseok played him like a cello while he sat naked on his thigh. 

"I want to touch you and make you moan, or have you touch me, or both. I don't think I have that much self control, Hoseok. You're- you're impressive."

Biting down on his tongue, Hyungwon gave up and reached down, brushing his thumb along his dick and moaning softly at the relief, as brief as it was.

Hoseok's eyes widened and he gasped, freezing for a few seconds before he finally moved. Reaching out for his chest, the blonde man placed his index finger on his nipple and literally let it vibrate against the erect bud, other hand pulling him closer.

“W-where would you like me to touch you? Take my hand and lead me.”

Hyungwon moaned, unable to keep his mouth shut. He had never been good at keeping his mouth shut anyway.

_ Let him be the one to explore, you'll just beg otherwise. _

"Everywhere," he replied and crawled forward, enough to have his thighs directly around Hoseok's hips. Fuck, he felt so desperate suddenly. It had been better before when he lay on his bed and let the blonde man explore carefully. "Do you want me naked, Hoseok? Would you like to see? My tip is probably fucking wet because of what you said."

"I... I've never seen a guy naked like... like this. But I'd like to change, my jeans are... very uncomfortable right now." Hoseok shifted and rubbed his gigantic penis against his groin, moaning softly at the sensation.

_ Well, fuck. _

"I want to touch you," Hyungwon said without filtering much, right hand instantly stroking over Hoseok's chest downwards instead of pleasuring himself. He really wanted to know what Hoseok's erection felt like in his hand. Was it as firm and thick as it looked? "I really want to touch your dick, fuck."

“Oh my God, are you sure?” Hoseok looked at him, disbelief evident, before licking over his lips and nodding briefly.

"You mean it's fine? Are you sure? It's so precious!" Hyungwon swallowed and used two fingers to walk lower along Hoseok's chest. Damn, the other man's big eyes and innocence were also a turn on, it made him feel like he was special and could be the one to make sure Hoseok felt really nice. Even though touching a dick wasn't really an art or anything.

_ But you can make it into an art when it's your mouth. _

Watching Hoseok's face intently, Hyungwon used his thumb to stroke along the obvious outline of Hoseok's erection through the opening of his jeans.

_ They are unzipped and still he says it's tight, wow. _

"But can I still change? I didn't know my underwear was this tight, I have to buy a new pair," Hoseok murmured before jerking at his touch and moaning right into his face. "Oh God, are you sure I won't faint?"

_ He's adorable. _

"You won't," Hyungwon whispered and couldn't resist the urge to lean in and suck along Hoseok's collarbone. It tasted delicious and he could only imagine how the rest of the blonde man's body tasted. He repeated the motion of his thumb and used his other hand to lift the tight, black underwear away from the musician's body. Only a little, without revealing much. Hyungwon didn't want to scare him, only to give him a taste.

"Do you know what the weirdest thing about this is? You're so close to me, but instead of searching for distance, I want to feel more, be even closer to you. Do you... feel the same? Is it something we share or is it only me?" Hoseok  watched him intently, lips letting out hisses here and there at his ministrations.

"I feel the same, Hoseok, if only you knew the thoughts and images in my head. You set me on fire just by having that gorgeous blush on your face and reacting to me." Hyungwon gasped at the knowledge that Hoseok wanted him too, wanted to touch and feel him. "Shit, let's undress, Hoseok, please. You'll like it too, I promise. We can slip under the blanket if you like."

“Could you lie down and close your eyes?” the blonde man asked, blushing hard and chewing on his lips. “I feel shy undressing while you watch.”

"Sure!" Hyungwon exclaimed and let himself fall to the side, occupying the bed with his slim body. Squeezing his eyes shut, he let his right hand slide over his chest to play with a nipple and brush over his groin because he was impatient. "I'm- not looking."

A few moments passed before Hoseok stood up and he heard shuffling noises, more shuffling and rough breaths until the mattress gave in and the other man slipped under the blanket next to him. 

"I'm not used to being self conscious but I am because you have seen so many people naked and I'm not confident because I’m not playing cello. I'd rather play cello."

_ Imagine him playing cello naked.  _

"But- you have everything, Hoseok. You are muscular, have a gorgeous face and a big dick. Why would you be self conscious?" Hyungwon chuckled and patted the space around him until he found Hoseok and simply wrapped himself around the other man's naked body. It felt amazing, warm and smooth. "Want to undress me too? I'm sick of clothes. I don't want them when I can feel your skin instead."

"But... you're only wearing underwear, what are you even talking about? It... it feels so intense, oh God, I think Kihyun would hit me if he saw what I was doing right now." The other man's body froze in his arms, as if Hoseok was afraid to move.

_ Oh no, did you scare him? _

"Did I do something unpleasant? I'm sorry! I can stay dressed if you like," Hyungwon replied and loosened his grip before letting go again. He had hoped that Hoseok would like it.  He hadn't wanted to scare him. "I'm sorry, I must be so greedy in your eyes."

"What? No! No, no no! I just didn't want to touch you with... like... my dick." The other man's voice got quiet in the end and he cursed.

"But I like it when you touch me with your dick, it's the best part," Hyungwon replied and grinned, arms immediately pulling Hoseok flush against his body. Through their height difference he could feel the heat of the other man's erection against his leg, long and firm. Hyungwon loved it.

"I want to be naked too, then our dicks can hold hands," he commented and giggled loudly. He liked it like this, relaxed and without any pressure. Hoseok was supposed to feel safe and not sexually harassed.

“Just shut up,” Hoseok hissed and cupped his face, clashing their lips together and licking into his mouth.

The touch distracted him and he kissed back, entangling his hands with Hoseok's blonde hair and pulling at it while rolling his hips forward. It felt amazing and Hyungwon knew that it would have been even better without his briefs. Still kissing and licking into Hoseok's mouth, he tried to pull his underwear down his ass with one hand, shifting and gasping into the other man's mouth.

“Go ahead, touch me, Hoseok, explore, do whatever you like,” he moaned when he finally pulled his briefs down his legs and could throw them off the bed with one foot. Being close to the cellist was a mixture of arousal and that unfamiliar warmth in Hyungwon's chest that made him want to wiggle his arms and squeeze Hoseok with as much strength as he could muster.

Hoseok moaned and gasped between their kisses, hands roaming over his back hesitantly and stopping when they reached his ass. "You feel so much better than a cello," the low voice whispered.

"It's because I'm warm and-" Hyungwon paused to nibble on Hoseok's neck and close his lips around the other man's earlobe, sucking on it intently while his right hand slipped between their bodies, caressing the skin of the musician's muscular stomach, "I can touch you in return."

“No. It's because we feel the same. My cello is there to help me talk, to feel understood, but you... I don't need you to be able to talk. I need you because you're the only person I want to be close to.” There were hands all over his body, sometimes vibrating against his skin, probably doing the same thing he was used to doing with his instrument. “But aren’t we weird? Am I not weird for being like this to you after almost vomiting at the guy who did the same?”

_ Is he? _

Hyungwon was already shaking his head even before he finished the thought. It wasn’t comparable, but he didn’t have an explanation for it yet, none that made sense in his head or sounded like something he was able to say out loud. It was the feelings part to their relationship, the emotions that Hyungwon had attempted to explain that didn’t fit to his usual encounters at the club.

“Do you want to fuck me and leave, Hoseok?” he asked eventually, formulating the main point of his club encounters in one sentence. It was what his other flings came for, for pleasure, there was nothing else to it. Hyungwon wasn’t really able to let go because he had to be attentive, to make sure the other person also felt pleasure. But pleasure was it, there was nothing more than that.

_ He’s your feelings friend because there is much more than pleasure. Pleasure is new, it developed later. _

“F-fuck you? Oh god, no! I only wanted you to maybe consider staying over at my place because I bought underwear and a toothbrush and also orange juice. In addition, I just left last time because I lost my shit and you said you like being hugged, so I thought you might want- want to be hugged again and I would try not to run away. I didn’t mean to… all this.” The other man’s big eyes stared up at him, gentle fingers stroking over his sides absentmindedly or nervously, he couldn’t tell.

_ He seems so innocent, but differently than you tend to be. _

“Which is why you aren’t like the guy at the club,” Hyungwon replied softly and leaned in to kiss Hoseok’s mouth carefully. A smile was on his lips, transcending into the touch they shared. His eyes remained open to see the way the blonde man reacted to it, whether he kept watching him in shock or whether the muscular body relaxed and those black eyes fluttered shut.

_ You really want to be somebody that he can feel at ease with, don’t you? _

Hoseok melted into the kiss, upper body leaning into his embrace and lips moving over his own, gently applying pressure and eyes fluttering shut. After a few seconds the blonde man broke the contact and leaned back, only opening his eyes after a few seconds and after licking over his lips slowly.

“I feel so good when I’m with you,” the low voice whispered, vibrating against his lips.

Warmth spread through his chest, corresponding to the heat that had already pooled at his groin. It was exactly what he had been convinced off, the main difference between Hoseok and everybody else he knew. The blonde man was able to warm up his chest, to evoke the desire to wrap his arms around the broad neck and remain attached for eternity, be with the man in his arms and feel safe. Hyungwon didn’t really understand it either, but that was how he felt.

“I feel really good when I am with you too,” he whispered back and licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip. “Will you let me touch you, Hoseok? I’ll be slow and careful and you can tell me if you don’t like it, I promise. I’ll be good and listen and contain myself, even if it’s a struggle.”

“What would you like to do if there wasn’t me being inexperienced and weird?” Hoseok stared at his face waiting for a reply.

_ You can’t lie, you simply can’t. _

Hyungwon swallowed, scared that his following words were going to scare the blonde man, terrify him enough to put several meters between them and never touch him again. But Nunu also told him that people were supposed to accept him the way he was, with his genuine thoughts. Hoseok was a feelings friend, so he wasn’t like the others, right? His mind immediately provided him with the images of what the blonde man could do, sending a fresh wave of arousal through his body and causing his legs to tremble briefly.

“I-” he began and licked his lips quickly, forcing himself to look Hoseok right in the eyes, “I would ask you to finger me into oblivion and then I would sit down on you.”

“What… does that mean? Finger you? Did you like my fingers? And you already sat down on me, before I undressed.” Hoseok looked surprised, leaning closer to be able to see his face better.

_ Oh, he doesn’t know. _

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and hummed softly, pulling Hoseok closer towards himself, enough to have their noses touch.

“Fingering me… means that you put your fingers inside my body, pushing against a spot that feels really good,” he explained and brushed through Hoseok’s hair, hoping that it softened the words.

_ Since when are you so scared of freaking somebody out? _

“Inside your body?” A few seconds passed before Hoseok’s eyes widened and he simply stared, unable to say anything. “But… isn’t it like… exit only?”

“Technically yes, but when you are close with another man, then that’s what you can do because it feels good. You know, men have a prostate and poking it feels all kinds of awesome. I always feel a little sorry for women, because anal must feel much worse for them, but for me it feels fucking perfect. You know- the kind of good when you legs get all jittery and you moan loudly or even scream, begging the other person not to stop. A little bit like me begging you not to let go, only less pathetic and more sexy. I guess.” He chuckled until he realized that he had given Hoseok a monologue about how much he liked to have something inside his ass. Nunu told him it wasn’t an everyday conversation topic. He wrapped his arms tighter around Hoseok’s body, attempting to keep him close just in case the blonde man wanted to escape.

“Doesn’t it hurt? Is that what you… usually do when you’re close to others?” Hoseok spoke quietly, either due to their proximity, or because the topic freaked him out. Or both.

_ That would be a little too extreme and too much effort. _

“Oh not really, sometimes it’s just mutual blowjobs. It really depends on what you feel like, but you wiggled your fingers and talked about vibrating and that made mr think of a toy and of your fingers and about how good that would feel and then my dick got all wet. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt because you use lubricant! That way it slides really nicely and feels good. There is even some that tastes like strawberry and coconut! Like your protein shake!”

“Your… butt tastes like a protein shake? This doesn’t sound legit to me. And I really can vibrate my fingers, I mean, you saw when I played, right? But it’s only my left hand.” Hoseok kept babbling and lifted his left hand, acting as if he had the cello right next to his face, making the strings vibrate under his fingers, eyes open wide. “I don’t think I’m any good at any of this, because… well, other people know how stuff is supposed to work, but I even get freaked out by being naked next to you. Because you’re so beautiful,” the cellist whispered the last words, looking adorably shy.

“But there are a lot of people that are even older than you and don’t know how to do this, Hoseok. It doesn’t really matter. For me it was always easy to get close to people because I just talk about things like that, but it’s not the same for everybody. I don’t think it really matters, I could always show you if you want me to. In addition, I don’t know a single person that can vibrate their fingers, so you are already one step ahead. Damn.” Inhaling sharply he tried to focus on Hoseok’s concerns instead of the musician’s superior skills. “Let me try to explain better. Usually I would clean up and be all pretty, then there is lubricant that can have different tastes that I use to make it slide and then there are your fingers that slip inside my body and vibrate against a spot that feels really good. That’s basically it. I do need to communicate with my partner, so that they can find it with their finger tips.”

“This is more complicated than Barber's  _ Cello _ concerto. Why would you want me to… do that? It’s not important that it’s me, right? And it also means that the way I hug you and feel all brave is not really the thing that you want. I don’t want to disappoint you, I really don’t want to, why didn’t I learn stuff like this in school?” Sighing, Hoseok bit down on his lip and put some distance between them, lifting the blanket and looking down on himself.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little in shock and he immediately slipped closer again, throwing a leg over Hoseok’s hips, brushing over the blonde man’s dick in the process.

“Your questions are really complicated, but I can answer a few. I think you didn’t learn things like this in school because- because you need to be close to people to really learn about them and school doesn’t teach you about intimacy. Also, most people don’t learn about gay sex, it’s not on any curriculum. And- how could you disappoint me? I get excited just because you hug me and I usually don’t. It’s special because it is you and because there is so much meaning for you, therefore it automatically has a lot of meaning for me. I want to take what you are giving me and cherish it, wrap it in gift wrap, but not the cheap kind, the really fancy and thick type that doesn’t break!” Hyungwon spoke quickly and licked over Hoseok’s neck right after, hoping to keep some of the taste in case he wasn’t allowed to have it anymore and ended up crying alone, without a friend because he did something terrible again.

“Kihyun attempted to tell me a few times, but I threw him out of my room. I shouldn’t have done that. Is there… an alternative? Something I might be able to do without having to study for years?” Hoseok looked desperate. “I really… I want you to feel as good as I do.”

“But I am, can’t you tell?” Hyungwon smiled and reached for Hoseok’s hand while shifting his hips to the side. He placed the blonde man’s hand on his groin to show him that their states were the same. It was like before, with blushed cheeks, quick heartbeats and this time also with erections. “We feel the same, aroused and yearning for touch. You don’t need to be an expert to make another person feel good. You just need to know the spots that feel good. I like lips on my nipple, a hand or a mouth around my dick, nails on my thighs or sides and pulls at my hair. With you, I don't know what you enjoy, I just try stuff out to see whether you moan.”

“You feel… so hot,” Hoseok whispered, fingers shaking a little, before he chewed on his cheek and moved his hand to the side, drawing circles around his hip bones. “I like your moans the most. They are like music.” The handsome face came closer and Hoseok licked over his gorgeously curved lips, placing a kiss on his mouth, before he traveled lower. Licking over his neck and sucking on the skin of his collarbones, the other man curled his fingers around his thighs and scratched along them, lips closing around one of his nipples.

Hoseok was mastering the learning quicker than Hyungwon had anticipated and he moaned at the ministrations, legs shaking a little and eyes fluttering shut. Hoseok’s lips were surprisingly flexible, playing with his skin and sucking and licking over it in alternation. His legs spread almost automatically and he buried his hands in Hoseok’s hair, pulling at it to have the blonde man lower. He knew that there was no way he could get a blowjob, but his hands were faster than his head could catch up.

“Fuck, sorry, I’m greedy for touch.”

“What touch? Do you… want to be touched between your legs?” The black eyes watched him with interest as Hoseok stuck out his tongue and rubbed the tip over his nipple.

“Yes- please-” Hyungwon gasped and opened his mouth to exhale roughly, fingers immediately pushing Hoseok against his chest to encourage him to do that again. His dick kept twitching in anticipation, expecting to be touched but encountering an unpredictable delay.

The other man’s hand that was drawing circles around his hip bone walked back to his groin, stroking over the smooth skin with interest before it finally reached the base of his cock. It took a few seconds and a delayed sensation against his nipple, before Hoseok finally curled his fingers around it. Hyungwon immediately moaned in relief, pushing his hips upwards to have more of a slide.

“Can’t you just lead me? It would be so much easier. Just imagine that I’m blind, stupid and don’t know what I’m doing, which is kind of true.” Not awaiting a reply, the blonde man rubbed his tongue against his other nipple thoroughly.

Instead of replying, Hyungwon slipped his right hand between his legs, wrapping around Hoseok’s warm palm and guiding it over his dick, pulling the foreskin back and applying more pressure as he moved it back over the tip, stimulating it. There was something intimate about guiding the blonde man’s hand, it wasn’t quick and dirty as usual, but sensual, slow at first, the way Hyungwon liked it. Separating Hoseok’s thumb from the other fingers, Hyungwon pulled his foreskin back again and used the musician’s thumb to draw circles over the exposed head, around the slit until he pushed into it a little bit, making his whole body quiver and a loud moan leave his lips.

Hoseok moaned in reply, following his movements and trying to move his hand after learning the basics. His curved lips were everywhere on Hyungwon’s body, sucking on his skin and nibbling carefully when he moaned especially loudly.

As Hoseok slipped closer, he could feel the other man’s gigantic dick rub over his thigh. The movements seemed automatic and resulted in beautifully low moans. The blonde man must be so sensitive.

“I want to play cello to the way you moan,” Hoseok murmured against his nipple.

“Can I touch you too?” Hyungwon whispered, overwhelmed that the cellist considered the sounds he made beautiful enough for music. His hand slowly let go of Hoseok’s curled fingers and slipped past his hip towards Hoseok’s groin, brushing over his toned stomach until he finally reached the thick length. But Hyungwon didn’t touch him yet, he forced himself to wait for permission as another moan passed his lips. Hoseok’s fingers felt amazing on his dick, as if all fingers applied pressure differently.

_ As if you are a fingerboard. _

“Yes. I feel dizzy from the way you feel and how you make music just like this.” Hoseok curled his free hand around his wrist, in the same gentle way he did before they got close enough to touch freely and put it against his groin, moaning at the hint of a touch.

Hyungwon’s heart skipped a beat at the gesture, but he didn’t really know why, inhaling sharply and wrapping his big hand around Hoseok’s erection. He liked how it felt like it was made for his hand, just the right size to wrap each finger around it carefully and play with the tip as his body kept trembling from the way Hoseok’s lips and tongue played with his nipples.

“I love how you feel in my hand,” he muttered and imagined how nice it would be between his lips, taking up all the space and soft on his tongue. He opened his eyes to look at Hoseok, to examine the way the blonde man responded to being touched for the first time. He wanted it to be amazing but not too much at once, tailored to Hoseok’s sensitivity.

He wasn’t able to catch the exact expressions because the blonde man threw his head back, moaning and applying pressure at his tip in response, unable to control his movements well.

“Oh my god, oh god, Hyungwon, fuck,” Hoseok half moaned half whispered, before concentrating on the movements of his hand around Hyungwon’s dick. “I’m sorry, it feels like you’re disintegrating my body into tiny pieces that all vibrate in intense pleasure.”

_ He’s gorgeous, you need to make him feel more, quiver because it feels so good. _

“Let me do it again then,” Hyungwon replied softly after catching himself after the exploding arousal between his legs and grabbed a fistful of Hoseok’s hair, keeping it tilted towards him to see his face as he began to slide his palm along Hoseok’s length, moving up the base towards the thick tip that he stimulated by rubbing his thumb over it, the same way he showed Hoseok. “That’s how it feels, do you like it?”

There was no reply, at least nothing he would consider coherent enough. Moans mixed with curses, the sound of Hoseok sucking in air and not releasing it for a long time, before exhaling everything at once in a desperate, low moan. The other man’s hips were undecided between thrusting into his hand and moving back probably because of how unfamiliar it felt.

“Do you… also want more?” The beautiful man started moving his hand faster, applying pressure to the tip and rubbing the precum over it, digging into the slit just like he had shown him. That was definitely a hit to his concentration as he threw his head back and thrust up into the other man’s palm, feeling his legs shake in response.

“Yeah-” he breathed out eventually and tightened his own grip around Hoseok, sliding over the other man’s length quickly, wondering when the blonde man would lose coherency and his ability to pay attention to his desires. He wanted to see Hoseok melt at the touches and relax next to him while flexing his muscles each time he tightened his grip at the tip.

“Can’t you… take them both?” Hoseok asked, stopping his ministrations and moaning, eyes fluttering shut. It must’ve been hard to think with his sensitivity and not used to being touched on top of everything else. “I don’t think my hand is big enough. I want to kiss you.”

Hoseok was so beautiful, cheeks pink and mouth open to breathe quicker, showing how much the blonde man was enjoying it and at the same time how unprepared he was.

Hyungwon smiled and paused his ministrations before sitting up and gesturing for Hoseok to do the same. “Sit up, I’ll show you.”

He wanted to wrap himself around Hoseok’s body and listen to him moan forever. He wanted to spoil him by stroking over his thighs, kissing his curved lips and pulling moan after moan from his mouth by stimulating him, showing him that it was okay to feel pleasure and let go. Hyungwon wanted the musician to know that he was safe with him. That the feeling was a mutual one.

_ The two of you are feelings friends that want more, much more. _

 

***

He had never felt like this. Not because of the unfamiliar situation, but because he wasn’t able to solve it with his cello. When he was a kid he travelled to different countries and often he didn’t know the language and wasn’t able to communicate with words. But there had always been the cello, and as soon as he got that out, people didn’t need him to say anything. Playing had been enough and he was understood by everybody around him.

_ It doesn’t work with him. _

He had no idea what Hyungwon was talking about. He knew fingering, of course he did, it was the right term for holding the strings and making them vibrate, but he decided it was a bad idea to tell the other man he knew. He didn’t.

Hoseok wasn’t dumb, really. He knew some things, but there was no way for him to know all those details Hyungwon was talking about, lubricants, poking and whatnot.

_ This is so complicated. _

But touching wasn’t, not really at least. There was feedback, the beautiful dancer moaned gorgeously and gave him more stimulation to continue moving his hand around the other man’s dick. Yes, he hadn’t really touched his own, but there he was, touching his feelings friend’s instead. Hoseok had no idea where he left his shame at this point. 

It definitely disappeared as soon as Hyungwon had curled his big hand around his length, stroking it and obviously knowing all too well what to do and how to touch him to make him lose his mind completely. He was unsure whether he was even talking like a human. His brain gave back that he might have formulated a sentence, but in reality it was mush and a disintegrated Hoseok who felt like he was about to faint, explode, die. He didn’t even know which of those possibilities was the most likely one. He only wanted Hyungwon to please take over.

Sitting up he stared at the gorgeous black-haired man, breathing heavily. A few seconds passed and he had no idea what he was supposed to do besides staring and getting even more aroused by the mere sight of Hyungwon sitting across from him, big eyes, red lips, naked skin everywhere and with his legs spread.

“Fuck,” he cursed and waited for something to happen while his eyes sucked in the picture to remember it later.

The black-haired man crawled closer until he threw his legs over his thighs, slipping close enough to make their groins meet. Hyungwon leaned in and kissed his lips as a warm hand wrapped around his penis, rubbing it against the other man’s that was similarly firm, sending another wave of heat through his whole body. 

_ Is this what he meant by your dicks holding hands? _

Hoseok would’ve thought about it or asked, but he moaned instead, helplessly searching for Hyungwon’s thick lips, sucking them into his mouth and letting the other man muffle his sounds a little while his body felt as if someone had poured gas over it and set it ablaze.

“You’re so sensitive, watching you and listening to you takes my breath away,” the beautiful man whispered into their kiss and applied a little more pressure, moaning into his mouth. Hyungwon’s fingers were skilled, sliding along both of their lengths smoothly and adding to the tingling sensation that traveled from their lips to their groins. “Moan for me, I want to hear it.”

Hoseok was happy that it wasn’t ‘You better not moan for me’ because he wouldn’t have been able to do that. Letting embarrassing sounds escape his lips, he murmured that Hyungwon shouldn’t stop, that he was going to faint and that he still wanted that, that he was ablaze, burning, evaporating, exploding. He exploded with a loud groan of Hyungwon’s name. His insides made a turn, forcing his blood to rush everywhere from his groin, warming up his limbs, his neck, his legs, tingling along his torso, turning into complete exhaustion and the feeling of being able to lie down after working a twelve-hour day.

_ Oh god. _

He was afraid to open his eyes after what happened, he simply didn’t know what happened. Was Hyungwon okay? Where had his awareness been?

_ But what if you hurt him? _

His eyes opened and he stared at the beautifully blushed face, caramel-like skin, big eyes and thick, thick lips. So beautiful. Hoseok was happy that the dancer was alive.

“You are a blessing,” Hyungwon whispered and leaned in to kiss his lips softly, a brief touch that lingered for a few seconds and disappeared again. Suddenly a kiss on his cheek followed, his forehead, his eyes that he closed out of reflex and finally the tip of his nose. “You look so gorgeous when you come, like you let go completely. I’m happy that I could see that.”

“You are beautiful,” Hoseok murmured, overwhelmed by what was happening. His awareness still hadn’t returned fully and he looked down, realizing what kind of mess he made. “Oh no, I’m sorry!”

Instead of being outraged the black-haired man chuckled and lifted his cum covered palm to his face, licking along his index finger slowly until he covered it with his whole mouth, easily fitting the digit in. Then he repeated the same procedure with each finger and finally licked along his palm, cleaning it up completely.

“I like the way you taste, it’s different but also not bitter. You’re so loveable, everything about you.” Suddenly Hyungwon wiggled his arms excitedly, smiling widely.

A gasp left his lips at the action, before his gaze went between them and he realized that Hyungwon’s dick still looked the same.

“Do you want me to touch you or do you want to touch yourself, or is it all meh and you only... like the fingering?” he asked shyly, looking around to find his wet tissues he used to remove the rosin from his fingers.

“I like being touched, a lot. The fingering makes me orgasm faster, but it probably makes you nervous. The important thing is that absolutely nothing about you is ‘meh’, shitty weather is ‘meh’ and too painful dick squeezes are ‘meh’. You’re amazing and your touches are the best, so please don’t be nervous.” Again Hyungwon smiled widely and wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing his lips briefly. “You’re still a little messy, but I can lick all of that too if you like.”

“I, I’m sorry, I think I threw my wet tissues behind the bed when I was angry about something.” Reaching between Hyungwon’s legs, he watched the other man’s face intently as his fingers curled around his firm length and he swallowed, moving his hand in the way he had learned before. Being a musician was a good thing because he remembered hand movements really well.

Hyungwon moaned and shook his head in reply, hands holding onto his neck and lips mouthing something that was suspiciously close to his name.

“Just like this is good, now you- only need to bite me and pull my hair and I’m all yours, fuck,” the black-haired man gasped and leaned back a little to give him more space, hips stuttering upwards.

_ He said scratches, hair-pulls, kisses, nipples and something around his dick and now it’s also bites.  _

Inhaling once, he leaned in and licked into the other man’s mouth, nibbling on his bottom lip and hoping that it kind of counted as a bite and added his free hand that curled into Hyungwon’s black hair, pulling a little and coordinating the kiss. His main attention was the way his hand moved between the other man’s long legs, so he sped up, remembering how much he had wanted to fall apart. Arousal started burning in his groin again. It was like a curse.

Hyungwon whimpered into the kiss and squeezed his eyes shut while still kissing him vigorously. The dancer’s hands were occupied with roaming his back and scratching over his shoulders, shaking in his hold. He could tell when Hyungwon’s inhales suddenly sped up and he repeatedly held his breath for several extended seconds while thrusting up into his hand. When the hot erection in his hand twitched repeatedly, the black-haired man’s eyes suddenly opened and he moaned loudly, spilling his release over his palm, hot and dripping down between them.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon breathed out and let go of his neck, leaning against his arms instead and breathing heavily. “Watch me dream about you because my imagination went places.”

His heartbeat hammered loudly in his ears as he carefully let go of the other man’s penis and lifted his hand to his face, inhaling once and licking the sticky release from his hand. It wasn’t as weird as he imagined it, it tasted funny, but not particularly disgusting or anything. The knowledge that it was something that belonged to Hyungwon made it so much better.

“Your imagination? Where did it go?”

Hyungwon stared at him in shock, eyes wide and pupils changing size gradually.

“It- oh god. I just imagined you doing all kinds of things to me, sexy things. But this gets pretty close to it, fuck. You didn’t have to do that, but fuck- thank you. I always think it’s intimate somehow, because it’s something inherently the other person? Does that make sense? Usually other guys stare at me weirdly when I get all emotional about licking cum.” Licking over his lips quickly, the black-haired man removed his legs from his thighs and kneeled in front of him instead, head leaning down to place a few stray kisses against his thigh until he licked over a spot right above his groin. “Is this okay?”

“I… it will come back if you do that,” he whispered, terrified that it would never end, always torturing him until he died. But it felt so nice, it seemed as if Hyungwon knew perfectly well how to touch him.

“It’s not like it’s forever, I’ll only clean up, I promise,” the dancer replied and continued licking, this time a little faster until he closed his lips around the tip of Hoseok’s penis once and let go, lifting his head and smiling at him widely. “Can we cuddle up now or did you have enough of me?”

Hoseok had wanted to die on the spot at how the other man’s lips felt around his dick, but held his breath, staring down instead.

“I am the one who is no fun because you have to explain everything, what are you even talking about? I was looking forward to that when we got home. To hugging you, I mean. I didn’t know it would turn out… like this.” Sighing he got up and finally picked up the wet tissues from the floor, wiping a wet spot on his thigh and handing some to Hyungwon.

The dancer was still smiling widely as he accepted the tissue and wiped over his groin, his hands and his beautiful thighs.

“I’m really happy because you’re not throwing me out. Usually people throw me out after stuff like that happens and I can’t go home after 11 p.m., but they think I’m joking, so I am always fucking terrified and either have to call Nunu or sit in front of a door step until the sun comes up.”

_ What? _

“Why? Why would you do that to yourself?” Hoseok whispered after getting out the additional blanket to put it on top of the wet sheets. “It makes me want to give you everything you need without doing stuff like we did just now, so you know that it’s not what this is about. For me.”

“It’s not like that for me either, that’s why I’m so happy. It’s as if you combine everything wonderful there is. I feel safe with you and at the same time I want to be as close as possible, wrap my naked body around yours.” Again Hyungwon wiggled his arms and threw himself on top of the sheets, smiling so widely that his face turned perfectly round.

“But I still need to wear my pyjama pants at least. I can’t sleep otherwise. Okay? You can stay like this if you want.” Hoseok went to his chair and slipped into his black silk pyjama pants, they felt so nice against his skin and the calm, satisfied feeling was so new to him. Smiling a little he went back to the bed and lay down next to the stark naked black-haired man. They were weird, weren’t they?

Hyungwon rolled on his stomach and moved his legs up and down, turning his feet in circles as he stared at his face and kept smiling.

“I feel so happy that I could squish you. You don’t even mind that I want to stay like this? Thank you! Can I wrap myself around you?”

_ You were looking forward to that. _

“It was the actual reason for hoping that you’d stay over,” he whispered and lay down, wrapping his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist, and pulling his big hand towards his face, kissing it for a few seconds and letting go again. “It’s a lot of feelings for being feelings friends.”

“I like them,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed his naked chest before he threw his right leg over his hip and placed his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. “Tomorrow morning I will drink all your orange juice to show you how happy you make me.”

“You’ll die. I bought ten bottles. You don’t need to show me.” Smiling a little, he stroked over the black hair, suddenly feeling at ease.

“Can you tell like this?” the other man’s low voice whispered against his skin. “I want you to know because you are so special. You always compare it with snacks, but I think you’re the type of snack that one can neither buy, nor really wants to eat. I want to wrap my arms around you and keep you close, so that you’ll never fade away.”

“Kihyun said I’m a five course meal in a Michelin restaurant. I think he was hungry when he said that. I don’t know what you think and I don’t know what you feel either, I just hope that we share some of those things that we feel.”

“Of course we do, that’s why we’re feelings friends.”

Hoseok ignored the weird feeling that he got when Hyungwon mentioned being friends and concentrated on the amazing feeling of the other man’s warm body being close to him, the calm exhales that he felt against his chest and the silky hair that slipped through the spaces between his fingers.

‘I like you’ he mouthed and smiled as his eyes closed.

_

 

“I need you to help me with my performance,” Hoseok exclaimed, walking into Kihyun’s room as soon as he entered the dorm. He had taken Hyungwon home after the other man stayed over. His insides were still warm from the way the black-haired man wrapped his thin arms around his neck and rubbed their noses together, telling him that he’s the best and letting their lips touch for a brief moment. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the warmth and smell Hyungwon’s unique scent.

“You need something from me? I don’t think so. The only thing you need is to get your shit together, Hoseok. I told you not to do stuff with him, didn’t I? I don’t even want to know what you did that I still heard you and him while wearing earplugs and noise cancelling headphones. This… this isn’t right, you know nothing and he’s taking advantage of your inexperience, using it for his own pleasure. I know that it must feel all nice and everything, but what is going on? Are you dating now? Are you fucking? Why, Hoseok? I thought you didn’t like men? You don’t like anything besides your cello! Does your dad know?” Kihyun walked towards him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him furiously.

“What are you doing? I… we are not dating! This is ridiculous, why would we date? We are friends. Maybe you’re sad because I want to do more things with him than with you, but we are feelings friends and I guess it’s more special than what we have, you and me. I don’t want to kiss you or anything, I’m sorry.” It felt really strange to hear from his best friend that his feelings friend took advantage of the fact that he was inexperienced. 

“God, I hate you so fucking much, why did I agree on sharing a room with you back then? Why?” The shaking continued and his best friend started getting mad.

“But nobody else wanted to be in a room with me because they were scared to practice next to me, knowing that they suck, but you have this unhealthy amount of self-confidence, so you can tell yourself that you don’t.” Curling his fingers around Kihyun’s wrists, he pushed the other man further away from himself. “But I really need you to help us, okay? Hyungwon had this nice idea and I had a better one, but I need you for that. You need to sing. To sing my cello.” 

“I have one thought in my head and this thought consists of ways to kill you without going to jail. There is no such thing as feeling friends, Hoseok. It’s him wanting to get fucked by you and you thinking you have some kind of special connection, snap out of it! You want to fuck him? Go ahead, but don’t act as if it’s some kind of ‘friends’ thing. Friends don’t fuck. You’re my friend, because I’m here trying to explain to you why you shouldn’t be doing this, after you told me that my singing sucks and I’m not your friend because you don’t want to kiss me. I hate you so fucking much, but still I’m trying my best to make you understand that I care about you and that you hoeing around with Hyungwon is a shit idea. Concentrate on your performance.” Kihyun groaned loudly and pushed him away, returning to his desk and hitting his head against it in desperation.

_ Friends don’t fuck. But you don’t fuck! And you don’t want to fuck either! _

“But I don’t want to fuck him! I like him. I didn’t even plan to… do the stuff we did yesterday, it just happened! I like spending time with him and I like watching him dance, I like listening to him talk and I like how he smiles when he’s happy.” Hoseok hated the mess inside his head. He also liked the touching and how Hyungwon moaned, he liked the other man’s gaze when he knew something Hoseok didn’t, his big hands that attached to his body like a magnet. It made him feel special, but he didn’t mention it to his best friend, afraid that the other man lacked understanding.

“And that’s precisely my problem. I believe you, you know? I know that you wouldn’t do anything. But you did which means he made you, not thinking about the consequences it might have for you. Sure, you’re an adult and everything and you liked it judging by the terrible sounds, but I don’t like it, Hoseok. I don’t want him to hurt you, I hate that. You’re fucking sensitive and I know it, I know, okay? So don’t try to act all invincible and listen to a  _ real _ friend who genuinely cares about you.” The black-haired man didn’t move and left his head on top of his desk, sighing in resignation.

“I won’t get hurt. I’ll only be hurt if you won’t sing my cello, because there is no-one besides you who is able to sing it and you know that. Just tell me that you hate me, instead of using Hyungwon as an excuse,” he murmured in reply and left the room.

_ Why is everything so complicated? It was easier before. _

His gaze wandered to the blue cello case and he smiled, picking up his instrument and touching the fingerboard with the fingers of his left hand, stroking over the strings.

_ It’ll be fine, right? _

_

 

“But aren’t we friends if I think about him all the time?” Hoseok asked, walking into his best friend’s room without knocking and encountering a naked Kihyun who pulled black trunks over his butt. His friend stopped in the middle of the action and stared at him.

_ Oops. _

“I mean, isn’t that what defines friends? The thoughts and attention and all those things? I’m not thinking about the other stuff. At least not aaaaas much.” He pulled the ‘as’ on purpose because he damn sure did think about Hyungwon sitting naked and spread-legged on his bed.

“Wait, are you telling me that you aren’t freaked out by my naked ass?” Kihyun asked, surprise evident on his face.

_ Huh? You aren’t? _

“Nah, your ass isn’t attractive to be honest.” The question threw him off track and he had to think for a few seconds to get back to his point. “I’m meeting up with him in a bit, and I’m sure that we are friends! Feelings friends!” Hoseok crossed his arms in front of his chest and prepared to fight for his point, but Kihyun only let himself fall on the carpet and stared at the ceiling.

“I think Nunu doesn’t like me,” he said, which was utterly ridiculous.

“Excuse me? Hyungwon said that he really likes you!” Coming closer, Hoseok crouched down and blew into Kihyun’s face to annoy him a little bit after eating a garlic baguette.

“Hyungwon also says that you two are feelings friends after making you scream for minutes. I guess I should thank your lack of stamina for my peaceful night. He didn’t call me for four days and I’m fucking devastated. I really like him and his lips taste like honey, do you understand? He is so fucking sweet, a bulky, muscular dessert. And the way his eyes widen when I tell him that he’s hot. Maybe I was too quick to make out with him. Maybe I should’ve waited to not freak him out.” The black-haired man sighed, not moving an inch, even after the garlic attack.

_ Is that why Hyungwon didn’t write anything besides those weird emojis? _

“Hyungwon also didn’t write. I guess he doesn’t like me either, but we have to finish the performance, so I have to go even though I feel weird going while knowing that he doesn’t like me, but I do like him. I need you for the performance. You only need to sing for one minute, okay? No more!” Hoseok curled his fingers around Kihyun’s naked shoulder and shook him a little. “Please! I’ll try to find out whether there’s something up with Nunu, okay?”

_ How can a grown-ass man be called Nunu? _

“But don’t ask him in that weird asocial way of communication you have when you interact with other people! You have to be subtle, but also not, because he doesn’t get it if you’re subtle. Just ask him whether he would like to meet up with me again, okay? I’ll sing your stupid cello, write me how it went.” Turning around, Kihyun gestured for him to leave, so he did, getting ready and taking his cello. Today they decided to meet at the dance studio again, for Hyungwon to have more space to move.

The way was already familiar, but he kept thinking about the black-haired dancer and whether they were still friends. He even looked up definitions of friendship, and it all kind of fit, because they liked each other and shared affection. They also shared intimacy and something inside him began changing after it happened. He wanted to play different pieces, warm ones, that fit so well to the feeling inside his chest, the nervousness and the expectation.

_ But what do you expect? _

He had no access to that information, but he knew that it was unpredictable when they met and the lack of knowledge made him excited.

Knocking on the door, he peeked inside and saw Hyungwon doing the splits in the middle of the dance floor, arms arranged above his head as he remained seated and tilted his head back, eyes closed. Hoseok immediately recognized the classical music as Tchaikovsky’s ‘Swan Lake’, only what the dancer was doing didn’t really fit to the ballet performance that he knew. Not that he had any idea about ballet. 

“Hey,” he murmured and slipped inside, arranging his cello case at the spot next to the chair.

“Hi,” Hyungwon replied but didn't open his eyes, position rigid as he inhaled slowly. The air was kept inside his lungs for a few seconds and exhaled again, slim chest moving with the motion. “I'm sad.”

“What? Why? Because I came?” He felt so lost suddenly, wish to grab his cello and run away tingling at his fingertips, but he still stayed, waiting for Hyungwon’s reply, and playing with the seam of his shirt.

“No, of course it’s not because of you. Listening to your voice already makes me happy,” Hyungwon commented and smiled, but didn’t open his eyes. “I want to be a hatchling, but they said that I am too tall and I can’t do it with the other girls because I am a man. I hate them.”

“Oh,” Hoseok said but didn’t understand what the dancer’s problem was. “I like it that you’re tall,” he murmured instead, getting his cello out of his case.

“I like it too, but they said I can’t do it. But look!” Hyungwon finally opened his eyes and got up from his gracious split on the dance floor, motions fluid. Running to the sound system that he was using, the black-haired man switched the song, turning on the dance of the four little swans. “I’m good at it!”

Pouting a little, the dancer got into position and performed the first few movements, showing Hoseok how well he could pretend to be a little swan while making small steps.

“It’s so unfair, only because I am a man and tall. They should let four men do it, but there aren’t enough of them.”

“To be honest, I don’t understand your problem, but I’m sorry that you’re sad.” Getting in position, Hoseok closed his eyes and swung the bow over the strings, listening to the acoustics, before opening his eyes again and waiting for Hyungwon to get ready.

The black-haired man stopped talking and immediately turned off the sound system, watching him intently instead. Hyungwon’s eyes were open wide, as if the mere fact that Hoseok was about to play for him changed his mood.

“You don’t need to understand, just play,” the other man whispered.

_ Fine. _

Exhaling loudly, Hoseok looked forward to the feeling of the cello strings vibrating against his fingers and the resistance against the bow.

“Dance,” he whispered and started playing, gaze focused on the other man’s slim figure.

Hyungwon’s demeanor switched immediately, body becoming rigid like an instrument for a few seconds until it followed the softness of the tunes, beginning with movements of the man’s legs only that gradually transitioned into soft curls of his arms and wrists, delicate but sure. The black-haired man used the whole space, sliding over the ground in his ballet shoes and closing his eyes when he jumped to symbolize an extended tone. It felt like Hyungwon was vibrating with the bow. It was beautiful.

He stopped abruptly and stared, feeling strange about the way they suddenly functioned.

“Didn’t you say that you wanted to come closer? Or did you change your mind?” he asked quietly, before trying to continue the melody, but it turned out sad.

Hyungwon opened his eyes and met his gaze for a few notes until he slipped to the floor smoothly and slid towards him, hands reaching out but not quite getting there. Instead of using his legs to walk, the dancer used the strength in his arms to slip forward until he finally reached the tip of Hoseok’s shoe and wrapped his hand around his ankle, bridging the rest of the distance by pulling himself up.

“I want to be close,” Hyungwon murmured and lifted up to stroke along his thigh and place his head on top of it. “I still want to be that cello.”

“Kihyun will be the cello,” he replied, smiling at the memory of his best friend agreeing to sing his part, so that Hyungwon could sit on top of him and be played.

“W-why?” The black-haired man looked terrified, eyes wide and long fingers wrapping around his thigh in a matter of seconds. “Did I do something terrible? Is it because I touched you? Is that why you prefer Kihyun to be the cello?”

_ What is he talking about? _

“No? Kihyun will sing, but I will play you with the bow. I can’t play cello and have you on my lap at the same time, so I asked him to sing the music after you get so close that I have to put the instrument away and play you. You don’t like the idea? Of course you can suggest something else, but you can’t get too close and you will keep dancing around me and I thought it would be better if we shared it, you know?” Human interaction was so complicated.

“That- makes a lot of sense!” Hyungwon jumped up and smiled suddenly, cheeks puffy. “I love the idea! So at first you play and I dance - all separate and then I slowly become and replace your cello, right? And to make it possible for people to hear the cello that is me, Kihyun will sing it? Oh my god, I’ll be your cello, I’m so happy!” The black-haired man danced around randomly and seesawed back and forth on his feet. “I was scared that you didn't want me just like the ballet organizers.”

“I want you. A lot,” Hoseok said, but had no idea why he did it. His eyes widened and he panicked, biting down on his bottom lip and playing a random bass tune.

“Aw,” Hyungwon purred and curled his fingers around his jaw before tilting his face upwards. Leaning in, the tall man placed a kiss on his lips and rubbed their noses together. “I want you too. Also a lot, the kind of ‘a lot’ where somebody gives you a bucket that you can’t even hold, but you still ask for another because you are greedy.”

The action was so nice that it immediately lifted a heavy weight from his shoulders he wasn't aware of before. His body melted starting from his lips and travelling further towards his fingertips that held the strings.

“Do you really think of me as a friend? I'm not just any guy, right?” he asked after thinking about the same thing for ages, confused and lost when it was about the black-haired dancer.

“Of course not! Friends are people that I like to see a lot and I want to see you all the time. I’d be happy if you’d move in with me and live in my room.” Smiling widely, Hyungwon leaned in and wrapped his arms around his neck, including the fingerboard of the cello that he squished a little. “I want you around and the kissing is a plus. I don’t really kiss Nunu anymore because it’s not about exploring and he said I shouldn’t, but you make me want to kiss you. It’s different because it’s not just about affection, but about feeling like I really need to be close to you or something hurts. Does that make sense?”

_ The cello will hurt him if he leans on it. _

Hoseok took the instrument, pushing Hyungwon away carefully before putting it to the side.

“It's very edgy, be careful, it might hurt you.” Lifting his gaze, he smiled and nodded to support his words. “But why didn't you call me, or write? I thought you changed your mind about me not being a snack. Not that I gave you anything much or tasty, but it still felt a little weird.”

“Huh?” Hyungwon looked really confused and pulled out his phone, poking it a few times with his long index finger until he found his conversation with Hoseok. “Oh, I don’t really know what to say via phone and I can’t tell what you’re thinking without smileys, so I just don’t say much. That’s why I sent you the picture of the bird! It’s holding a phone and fainting, didn’t you see? You also didn’t ask a question apart from meeting up, so there wasn’t anything I could have said.”

“Liar. You could have said ‘I need to be close to you, or something hurts’,” he murmured and pouted.

“Oh, but you didn’t ask anything! I can’t just write random things, it’ll drive you mad. That’s what everybody tells me. You’d get messages like crying flowers with the words ‘I want to be a baby swan’, because I edited that meme for myself. I want to be a baby swan but they won’t let me because I am tall and don’t look good next to three tiny women. Ballet might be the only place that is sexist towards men.” Hyungwon gestured with his arms widely and pouted back.

“Can you handle sarcasm?” he asked, imagining what he would've sent in reply.

“Not really in text. I don’t understand it, because it sounds super serious. That’s why Nunu writes ‘lol’ everywhere, even when he’s not laughing.” Nodding to himself, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck and climbed on top of his lap. “In person I can see on your face whether you’re sad. Mostly I guess. To be honest with you I am really really bad at it.”

“I don't like the way it feels. You say that you want to meet me, but you do nothing about it. You can tell me if you actually don't care. I think you're the opposite from Kihyun. He continuously tells me that he hates me, but does his everything to help me and thinks about me all the time.” Hoseok was pensive, wondering why he suddenly cared so much.

The black-haired man’s eyes widened and he stared at him for a few seconds until thick drops developed in the corners of his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, just like that.

“I care,” he forced out of his throat, sound rough as his nails dug into Hoseok’s shoulders. “I care, I really care. I- look at the door of your dorm every time when I walk past and hope you’ll come out and I look towards the music building when I dance too, I can see it from here!” Hyungwon pointed at the window and sobbed. ”I was sad these past few days and only danced, but I still thought about you. I even bought protein shakes because you bought me orange juice!”

“But why didn't you say anything?” Hoseok was shocked that the other man simply cried. “Was I mean?”

“N-no, I’m just- I’m so bad at showing that I care. I only know how to show it by wrapping around you and looking you in the eyes. That’s the height of my skills. I can also dance and show you, but I don’t know how to call people and I am really bad at keeping up conversation via text messages. That’s why I send you pictures and smileys. It’s me trying, but- I’m so sorry that it’s not enough. Please don’t hate me.” Again Hyungwon sobbed and rubbed his wet face over Hoseok’s shirt, leaving dark spots.

“But you can come over… or not? Also, why would I hate you? It doesn't make sense. It should be ‘Please don't like me and stop expecting things.’” Hoseok lifted his hand and stroked over Hyungwon's head.

"But if I come over, then I don't know who's there. What if you're not there? That would be terrible," Hyungwon muttered and buried his face deeper in his shirt, arms tight around him. "I need to know what to expect and when I don't I'm useless. I just stare stupidly and turn off, curling up into a ball."

_ He simply doesn’t want to, Hoseok. _

“Okay. Then let's leave it as it is,” he whispered and curled his arms around the other man's slim waist, enjoying the warmth but hating the fact that Hyungwon was crying. And that he seemed to get greedy for no reason, expecting something Hyungwon didn't have to offer him. He had to accept it.

_ He can't give it, so why are you trying so desperately? Give up, Hoseok. He wants to be your cello, but you can't get the things you want by playing him. _

His cello was irreplaceable.

 


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re not like them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Were there rules for keeping up social interaction?

Hyungwon didn’t know. His brother had always told him that it was important to ‘go with the flow’. It was difficult to imagine how lying on a raft in the open sea while following the current was supposed to help keep in contact with other people. It rather seemed like the opposite. If Hyungwon followed his head and the times he contacted another person, then he wouldn’t have lost a lot of friends because they assumed he didn’t care about them. Most people were confused when they got a personal question after months of nothing.

_ They think you write because you want something. _

Sighing, Hyungwon stared at the simple message on his phone screen, suggesting to meet up and rehearse their performance. Hoseok had finally picked a piece that he was going to play while Hyungwon danced, separate from each other until the distance shrank between them and the music changed, becoming volatile and an emotional reaction of Hoseok’s. It was something that the blonde man was composing and each time he heard a new bit of it goosebumps spread over his skin.

_ But he only meets you to practise. _

Hyungwon wouldn’t have minded before. He was touchy and he liked to talk, but if somebody wanted to focus on something important then he was perfectly able to do that. He had also followed Hoseok’s wishes, performed his part and coordinated when he would step closer and at which point he was going to sit down on the musician’s lap to become his cello, to be played instead of the wooden instrument.

He loved it, he loved the transition and the way the bow slid over his middle, even without music. They didn’t have the music because Kihyun was practising for his own performance and hadn’t had time to meet up with them and sing the cello. Hyungwon loved the idea, he couldn’t wait to listen to the end product and curl up in Hoseok’s arms.

_ But he doesn’t want you to, he hasn’t really hugged you since. _

That wasn’t quite true. Hyungwon was quick to initiate, but Hoseok was just as quick to end it again and return to the main purpose of their meetups, the performance. He discussed a new point or suddenly began to play the cello. Hyungwon was no expert on avoidance, but it seemed obvious to him.

_ Suddenly he doesn’t want to be close anymore. _

It wasn’t the first time. It had happened a lot of times before. Hyungwon touched somebody, got very close and they felt strange about it and prefered to avoid him. The only problem was that the point at which it got weird had been later than usual. It had been when he cried because of Hoseok accusing him of not caring about him. Hyungwon cared so much that his brain stopped working. His notes and small scribbles that he made in lessons were mostly concerned with the blonde man and the way his hands looked, or his hair, or his lips, or how his voice sounded and his hands stroked over the cello he loved so much.

_ You thought you could become it, but it’s so difficult. _

Hyungwon couldn’t compete. He was fascinating for a while, but the cello still won over him. It was able to evoke emotions that he couldn’t anymore. Hoseok was so neutral when he was with him, still shy sometimes, but not as attentive or interested in him as a person. It made him a little sad because the mutualism of their feelings had suddenly disappeared.

_ It was what made you feeling friends. _

“Why are you curled up on the floor, Won?” Nunu’s voice asked from the door and his eyes fixated on his best friend’s eyebrows, lifting up a little bit in surprise. “Did something happen?”

“I don’t know how to be social,” he muttered and pouted a little. The unpleasant feeling of heaviness was in his chest and he wanted it to disappear. It hadn’t left him since Hoseok pushed his chest lightly to put distance between them and dance again. It wasn’t anything serious and Hyungwon hadn’t been able to read whether Hoseok was upset or anything, but since it happened the heaviness hadn’t disappeared.

“But that’s not new, is it?” Nunu chuckled and came closer, picking him up from the floor by lifting him bridal style and placing him on the bed instead. “You’ve improved a lot. You accept phone calls and don’t just run away when somebody you don’t know says ‘hi’ to you.”

_ He’s right. You’ve improved maybe you can get even better? _

“But I think Hoseok doesn’t want to be my friend anymore,” he whispered and needed exactly three seconds to start sobbing again. The response was immediate, thick drops that rolled down his cheeks and made his arms and legs shake with the effort. The thought was so terrible to him. Hoseok was his first and only feelings friend. He didn’t even know what had happened to make the messages and their meetings change. Hyungwon had even tried to write more messages, send more pictures and talk about favourite colors. He used every personal question that was on his ‘take home small talk’ sheet. Hoseok had answered most of them with one word and talked about the performance instead.

_ But you still know the answers by heart. _

“Why wouldn’t he want to be your friend anymore? Did something happen?” Hyunwoo asked carefully and stroked over his hair, attempting to calm down his tears.

“I don’t know. It must have, but I don’t know what it is. He only talks about the performance and disappears as soon as we are done practising, saying he is too busy. It makes me sad because I don’t know if it’s true. Before, he had time even when he was busy.” Hyungwon sobbed some more and pulled at the blanket, using up the strength in his arms to feel better. He always imagined how there was strength from all the crying and sadness in his arms and by moving them or rubbing over surfaces he could make it disappear. It was the same for happiness, only that it made him burst unless he wiggled.

“Hmph, maybe he feels stressed about performing and tries to focus on that?” Nunu asked and glanced outside briefly, hand still stroking over Hyungwon’s hair.

“But he was stressed before too, especially when we didn’t have a performance yet. I can’t really read him, but even his messages are emotionless even though I try to write more. I even went through the list, Nunu!” He pointed at his small talk list and sobbed again, a little louder this time.

“Oh- but the list can be strange when you’ve already been friends for a while. Most of those questions are for simple talk, maybe you should try something else? Ask him to meet you privately, outside of the performance?” His best friend was throwing good ideas at him again, ideas that he was too stupid to go through with.

“I don’t know what to write. I can do it in person, but I feel so strange like this. How do I start without telling him about crying on the floor first?” Still sobbing, he reached for his phone and pressed it to his chest, imagining it giving him some magical powers to contact Hoseok, to write something sensible instead of random thoughts.

“Just go with asking him to meet, or tell him how you feel,” Nunu suggested and stroked over his long legs this time, smiling a little. He had really missed his best friend and the way he knew what to say. 

Grabbing his phone, he just wrote down the first thing on his mind.

‘I laid on the floor and cried because I miss you.’

_ He told you to tell him things like that. _

“What did you write?” Hyunwoo looked over his shoulder and the way his expression changed told Hyungwon he might have done something bad. “Oh- that sounds a little- dramatic, but I guess it’s the truth. He might feel guilty if you say it like that though.”

_ Guilty? He shouldn’t be guilty if not being close to you is what he wants. _

“I can’t write anything untrue,” Hyungwon muttered and added ‘I’m still crying’ as the next message. He wanted to see Hoseok and wrap himself around the blonde man again. He missed the way it was before. He didn’t know if it was his fear of change or something else, but it seemed like their feelings weren’t mutual anymore.

‘Have I been mean to you?’ Hoseok asked in reply, followed by a ‘:(‘ and a ‘please don't cry’.

Hyungwon thought about that. Hoseok hadn’t said anything mean apart from assuming that he didn’t care, but that was a while ago already. At this point he didn’t think there was anything particular that he could blame his feelings on. Sobbing, he shook his head and stared at the words on his phone. He understood the smiley, it meant Hoseok was sad about making him sad.

‘You weren’t mean, but you are different. Are we not feelings friends anymore?’

The words stared back at him and sounded a lot more reasonable than what he usually wrote. Maybe it was because of the smiley, he knew that Hoseok was sad now, like him.

_ You must have done something to make him change his mind, you always do and don’t realize. _

‘Do you think we are feelings friends? Am I your feelings friend?’ Hoseok must've been staring at his phone, just like him.

‘Yes,’ he wrote back and swallowed deeply. He hadn’t even realized that Nunu was watching him all this time, expression one that he hadn’t seen before.

“You care about this a lot,” his best friend muttered and stood up to get a bag of shrimp snacks that he placed on his lap, smiling a little. “If you like him so much, then you could think about doing the things other people do when they like somebody.”

“And what do they do?” Hyungwon asked while still staring at his phone screen, hoping for a reply.

“When they are too shy to tell the other person, they give them presents or perform small gestures that are nice. For example... me getting Kihyun chicken snacks because he ran out of them is a gesture like that. You fixing Hoseok’s shirt is a gesture like that. You could think about something that he likes.”

“But I can’t become his cello and he only likes his cello. I tried, Nunu! I tried to be his cello, but he still looks at it differently. I can’t really make that look appear, the softness and calmness. I want him to be happy and safe with me too, but I bleed and I am warm. I also move, but I can stop. I can’t stop being alive and being warm though.” Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and felt another wave of tears run down his face.

“I don’t think he wants you to really become his cello, Hyungwon. The cello can still be special and you can be something else special, right? You also don’t like him the same way you like dance.”

_ You don’t. _

Hyungwon nodded and poked his screen that had turned dark, checking whether there was a reply.

‘Why are you crying then?’ the other man asked.

Hyungwon observed the word ‘online’ next to Hoseok's name, thinking about his reasons. He didn’t know, he was just sad that things were different and he didn’t know why.

‘You act differently with me, as if our feelings aren’t mutual anymore,’ he wrote and sobbed again, feeling another wave of sadness wash over him. He wanted it to be like before, when it was all mutual. That was why he called them feelings friends, because his heart hammered when Hoseok smiled and he needed something to describe that. Hoseok’s heart had also hammered back then, but now it seemed like it wasn’t anymore.

“Shh, Hyungwon, it’s okay,” Hyunwoo whispered and wrapped his big arms around him, covering most of him while hugging him tightly. It helped a little and reminded him of the fact that his friend was busy with his finals most of the time, which made him sad again. Hyungwon really hated being sad.

'I'm trying to survive. Maybe it'll get better when the performance is over. Who knows,' Hoseok wrote before adding a thumbs up and a 'But please don't cry. Okay?'

_ It’s about the performance again. _

Hyungwon threw his phone on the blanket and groaned loudly, attempting to bury his head in the sheets. He wasn’t really able to because Nunu pulled him away and hugged him again, stroking over his hair.

“Not a nice message?” his friend asked and massaged along his neck. It felt really nice.

“He said that he is trying to survive and that is why our feelings aren't mutual anymore. I don’t understand, I only understand that he is talking about the performance again and it makes me sad. Friends meet outside of performances but it feels like he doesn’t want to. Why can’t he just say it the way it is?” Groaning again, he fondled the blanket until he found his phone again and typed another message quickly, upset that Hoseok used words that he couldn’t understand.

‘If you don’t want to see me, then you can just tell me. I don’t understand it when you say it like this.’ He added a gif of a crying dog that rolled around in the dirt for good measure.

Suddenly there was no text reply but an audio message. Clicking on it, he could hear Hoseok's calm, low voice elaborating.

'But that's not true, I always write you about meeting up and practicing. We should practice in the evening once again so that Kihyun can sing, he was only singing with what I told him, but you need to hear him for your movements, you might want to move differently, or change the order. The anniversary is in three days, it needs to be perfect. I'm nervous.'

Hyungwon wanted to punch a wall or scream at it, or both, so much that it crumbled and gave him the feeling that he wasn’t the only one crumbling. Hoseok either didn’t understand what he was talking about, or didn’t want to understand. The blonde man’s written words only confirmed his suspicions, telling him that Hoseok didn’t want to see him, not apart from the performance.

“He hates me,” he whispered and sobbed again, eyes burning.

“No, he doesn’t,” Nunu replied, but he didn’t know anything, he only tried to calm him down so he would stop crying.

“He only wants to meet me for the performance,” he whispered and waited to see whether his best friend would again deny his words to calm him down. Nunu didn’t.

_ Because it’s true. _

His feelings were a mess and he couldn’t tell why he was feeling the way he was, crumbling on top of his blankets instead of the wall that should have been the one to crumble. Hyungwon didn’t know what to do about it or how to make it okay again, he only knew that Hoseok had suddenly stopped being his feelings friend.

_ He is only your partner now. _

_

His steps echoed loudly through the dorm hallway, much louder than he remembered from the previous times he entered the simple, white building. The sound was painful to his ears, as if somebody had turned on a chainsaw right next to him and began to slowly make their way through his bones, shaking them up and breaking them at the same time.

He swallowed to get rid of the feeling, but it didn't work. It shouldn't have been that terrible, he was only going to practice, no more no less.

_ But you have no idea how to behave, Hyungwon. _

He didn't know a single thing, nothing apart from Hoseok wanting to be partners only and keeping his distance.

_ It's the same thing all over again. You touched him and now everything is different. _

Hyungwon couldn't really understand. He hadn't understood back then when friends stopped talking to him and he didn't understand now. Was the touch so problematic? Was it something bad?

His body yearned for it, differently with different people. Was it that terrible to act on it?

He didn't know.

_ But you can't force him, you don't do that, Hyungwon. It has to be mutual. _

To be honest, he hadn't wanted to come to practice. Hyungwon would have preferred to curl up and pretend that everything was okay and that Hoseok's messages meant more than the words said.

He would have asked Hyunwoo about the hidden meaning, but the expression on his friend's face had told him he wouldn't like the reply.

_ You'd probably cry. _

The minutes passed as he stared at the dorm room door and couldn’t bring himself to knock. Only a sigh passed his lips once in a while as he attempted to imagine how he was going to act to make sure Hoseok wouldn't hate him any more than he already did.

_ You can't fucking simulate. _

Suddenly the door opened and he saw Hoseok's pretty face, peeking through.

"Were you waiting in front of my door? I didn't hear you knock, just the shuffling." The blonde man looked shy.

Hyungwon swallowed again and stared, unsure how to start conversation now that wrapping himself around the other man wasn't okay anymore. They were supposed to dance only, no matter how much Hyungwon wanted to cry and rub his wet face over Hoseok's soft t-shirt. It was probably soft, it looked soft, like cotton, a cotton cloud.

_ Don't make yourself sad. _

"H- hi, do you like the colour blue?" he forced out, not sure what else to say.

"Me? Uh..." Hoseok looked lost before pointing at his blue shirt that hugged his chest beautifully. "Yes. But I think I've told you that before." Staring back for a few seconds Hoseok opened the door wide and gestured for him to come in. "Are you thirsty? I have orange juice."

Hyungwon only nodded, not sure what else to do. He liked orange juice, but back then Hoseok had only bought it for him when he was his feelings friend. Was it still okay to drink the blonde man’s orange juice?

He stepped into the room and glanced around, positively surprised that it still looked the same, familiar and warm. Only Hoseok was different now, off limits.

“Kihyun will be here in a bit, he went out to get something he wanted to give you for Nunu. Do you need a glass or is the bottle okay?” Walking towards him, Hoseok handed him the juice and looked to the side, waiting for him to take it.

Hyungwon wrapped his long fingers around it and pulled it towards himself. Instead of drinking he closed his arms tightly around the bottle and attempted to imagine that it was still a sign of Hoseok wanting to be his feelings friend. It didn’t work, so he held his breath to not start crying. Nunu wasn’t there to calm him down and Hoseok said that he felt uncomfortable whenever he cried.

“I like bottles,” he whispered and pressed his forehead against the lid of the orange juice.

“Are you okay? Do you… want me to play something for you? Or are you nervous because Kihyun is participating?” Hoseok bent over and picked his instrument from the open case, sitting down on the bed and getting in position.

“No, yes, no,” Hyungwon replied quickly and sank to the ground, crossing his legs while still holding onto the bottle. Hoseok looked confused before nodding briefly and pointing at the chair.

“Don’t you want to sit on the chair? Or the bed? Isn’t it uncomfortable on the floor?” Lifting the bow, the blonde man swung over the strings elegantly.

There was something soothing to the sound, so Hyungwon only shook his head and lay down, staring at the ceiling before turning around and curling up. It was almost okay with his eyes closed and the sound of the cello surrounding him.

He didn’t know how much time passed, just that it did, and the melody ended just like that, leaving him in silence and only surrounded by Hoseok’s breaths.

“You are not okay, are you?” the low voice asked.

Hyungwon shook his head and opened his eyes slowly. His gaze focused on a warm pullover that was folded not too far from him, placed on a chair. Reaching out for it, he grabbed it and buried his face in the soft fabric. It smelled like Hoseok.

“Why?” There was shuffling and someone pulled at the fabric, probably Hoseok, to see his face. Hyungwon tried to hold on, scared that Hoseok was going to take the scent away too.

“I miss you,” he muttered and couldn’t help a sob that shook his body. He had promised himself not to cry, but there he was again, unable to hold it in for a single practice.

“But I’m here, I don’t understand! I’m writing you and we meet up to practice and I am literally crouching next to your head, while you try not to look at me and hide in my sweater. What did I do?” Hoseok gave up pulling and let him have the fabric.

Hyungwon breathed in the calming scent again and tried to come up with a reasonable way to explain it. He didn’t want to blame Hoseok and his mother had taught him to never start feedback with ‘you’, it had to start with ‘I’. If only he knew which words were supposed to follow the ‘I’.

“I-” he began and lifted the pullover from his eyes, glancing in the direction of the gorgeous blonde man. “I’m sad because you only want me to dance.”

“But… what else am I supposed to want from you?” Suddenly there was a really rough pull and Hoseok ripped the pullover out of his hands, holding it over his head.

“To be my feelings friend!” Hyungwon yelled and jumped up, eyes blurry because of the tears he had been hiding in the soft fabric and fingers easily reaching the pullover above Hoseok’s head. “Give it back! I am smelling it instead of you!”

The blonde man jumped back and hid the fabric behind his back, staring at him with his mouth open.

“I thought you said I was your feelings friend. Why would you smell my pullover? You make no sense, Hyungwon. Are you sure it’s not an excuse? I guess you’re nervous, but I’m nervous too, there’s still no reason to steal my clothes and act as if I’m the worst person on earth, only because I don’t behave like those snacks of yours.” 

Hyungwon’s jaw felt like it dislocated as he stared at Hoseok with his mouth open. He couldn’t believe that Hoseok thought he was thinking up reasons when the only reason was him touching Hoseok and scaring the blonde man off. Hoseok wasn’t like the men Hyungwon was usually close to, they had met each other outside of sex and talked and the blonde man had even piggybacked him.

“You didn’t act like them before,” he whispered and swallowed as a tear fought it’s way past his eyelid and ran down his cheek. “But now you do.”

“What? Are you kidding me? I do everything to not be all unreasonable and greedy and you tell me that I’m like those people? I’m not like those people. You know what? We should just perform and go back to how it was before.” Turning around, Hoseok threw his pullover on the chair and went back to his instrument, just as the door opened and Kihyun walked in, looking at them.

That was the last straw and Hyungwon just started wailing loudly, tears streaming down his face and hands shaking uncontrollably. It was terrible and his chest felt like Hoseok had placed one of those splitter bombs that they had in video games inside it and ripped it apart. Hoseok was wrong, he hadn’t been like those men before but now he was. The musician was doing the exact same thing now, being close to him and running away as soon as it was over. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Kihyun muttered, looking mildly terrified. Hoseok jumped up and ran over to him.

“Don’t cry, oh god, why would you cry? I’m sorry, okay? You are right in whatever you want, just don’t cry, okay?” Warm fingers curled around his wrist carefully and the blonde man tried to look at him from below. Hyungwon swallowed down a lump and wrapped his arms around the musician, still trembling.

“You are doing the same thing,” he sobbed and rubbed his face over Hoseok’s shoulder. He had missed it so much, the scent and the sensation of cotton against his nose, Hoseok’s cotton. “You touched me and now you pretend that I don’t exist. Now you only want me for the dance performance, just like those guys only want me for a night. I want my feelings friend back.”

Hoseok stared, before turning to Kihyun.

“Give us a minute, okay?” the blonde man asked and dragged him to the small hallway, into the dark corner on the right.

“Did you change your criteria for being feelings friends? Now it involves touching? I thought it was about feelings,” Hoseok hissed, pressing him against the wall a little.

Hyungwon gasped, not expecting the sudden roughness. His eyes widened and he exhaled against the blonde man’s face.

“No- I- I didn’t. But the feelings aren’t mutual anymore, so I was sad and cried a lot. I want to be close to you and talk to you, wrap my arms around you like before, but you- all you want to do is the dance performance.”

“So you’re the one who decides whether our feelings are mutual? That’s amazing. Then please feel free to continue, just let’s get this over with first.” Hoseok’s gaze looked serious and somewhat different from before.

“I’m not- I-” Hyungwon swallowed to give himself some time to figure out what was happening. He wasn’t the one who decided on feelings, nobody was able to do that. “I cannot influence feelings. It’s not possible. I can’t even influence my own. You wanted to see me before, but now you suddenly don’t. I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do. Is it because I said that I care? Are you scared now because of that? I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to stop caring, I just do. I want to lie on the carpet in front of your door and ask you for forgiveness until you accept me as your friend again.”

Sobbing again, Hyungwon squeezed his eyes shut and performed a few calming breaths, attempting to think of something relaxing like music, or hugs, or butterflies.

“I’m trying my best to be your friend, but apparently it’s not what you want.” The other man sighed, increasing the distance between them. “I meet up with you and I do my best to keep practicing and am always the first to write you. If I didn’t want to meet you, I would’ve told you. Just like I told you to stay the fuck away back then. I don’t understand you. You give me the feeling that there’s something you’re unhappy about but use my behaviour as an excuse.”

Hoseok’s features were soft, but his gaze looked serious, eyes as black as always. Hyungwon could look at them, focus his gaze and hold the eye contact for as long as his eyes were free of tears and he could see.

“I tried, I- I wrote you a lot of messages and I attempted to use every small talk question that was on my small talk sheet. I even remember the answers. Your favourite color is blue, your dad’s profession is art school director, you grew up in Nuremberg, your favourite dish is chicken breast, your favourite drink is protein shake, your favourite musician is Yo Yo Ma, your hobby is playing cello and your best friend is Kihyun because he was the only one who wanted to share a room with you, but ever since then you get along. I remember it all.”

Hoseok leaned a little closer and he could see how the light decreased due to their position, throwing shadows on the other man’s face.

“What do you want from me, Hyungwon?”

“I don’t know, Hoseok. I only know that when you’re not around I feel terrible. I miss you and I need you with me, it doesn’t matter if you touch me intimately or not. That’s not what I need, I only need you next to me, like- like this-” Wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s broad neck, Hyungwon inhaled the musician’s scent sharply and attempted to melt into his body. He wanted to have him close so much, be his friend and somebody who was with him, part of his life.

_ But why? _

“Well, right now you are, but it’s not satisfactory is it?” Hoseok whispered and hugged back for a few seconds before increasing the distance again. “Let’s go back.”

Hyungwon licked over his lips and watched the change of facial expressions on the other man’s face. He couldn’t read any of them because they weren’t what he was used to.

“I don’t know, Hoseok. I want you, but I must have done something that made you change your mind. I thought you hated me, but you say that you don’t. I’m confused.”

“I don’t. Not at all. But I honestly can’t think clearly right now because I can already see my dad’s face in the crowd and want to vomit out of nervousness, so could we please practice the performance? Please?” The blonde man put both palms together and rubbed them against each other in a begging gesture.

_ You have to make the performance amazing, so that his dad doesn’t get upset, Hyungwon. _

He nodded quickly and grabbed the other man’s hands, placing a soft kiss on top of his fingertips.

“I’ll do my best to impress him then. It’ll be okay, Hoseok. I promise!”

“Thank you,” the blonde man whispered and curled his warm fingers around his wrist, squeezing a little, before turning around and moving towards the main room. The gesture was reassuring and caused a smile to dance along the corners of his mouth.

It was gonna be okay, they could be feelings friends after the performance.

***

He felt like falling apart, but this time it wasn't because of the incredibly pleasant touch of the black-haired man who danced so beautifully to the amazing sound of Kihyun's voice, imitating his cello but giving it warmth by being alive. It was because he’d changed. At least that had been Hyungwon's explanation. In reality it was way more complicated. 

It was him trying to limit his expectations and almost dying every time the beautiful dancer touched him, the wish to have more almost unbearable. He looked forward to each practice, scheduled them more frequently even though it wasn't necessary, just to have the slim arm curl around his neck in the end, have the warm body lean against his chest and feel the quick heartbeat against the fingers of his left hand that curled around Hyungwon's delicate neck. It was the reason he was breathing, teaching, playing, studying, only to feel the thirty seconds of touch without feeling guilty.

Again the moment came, this time with Kihyun's voice accompanying them. Hyungwon leaned back against his chest and slid on his thigh, weightless and warm, back curved like wood and heartbeat pulsating against his fingers as he placed his hand on his elegant neck, warmth seeping through his fingertips. He did his best and touched Hyungwon's middle with the bow, sliding over it until the singing stopped. He wanted it to continue so badly, but time seemed to hate him lately, not listening and mercilessly robbing him, making every moment feel short. 

Sighing, he stood up, letting Hyungwon stand up too. He hated everything so much. He mentioned the performance because he was terrified. Terrified that he wouldn't have any reason to meet the black-haired dancer anymore.

"I think I have to make up my mind a little before we perform tomorrow. I want to show so much, but I haven’t managed to convey it yet."

"What do you mean?" Hyungwon asked and the black-haired dancer appeared more relaxed than he’d been while crying on his dorm room floor. The other man must have yearned to be close because he curled his long leg around his hips even though it wasn't necessary, holding on to him. Kihyun lifted an eyebrow at the sight.

_ What do you mean? _

Gasping at the closeness, he had to curl and uncurl his fists to keep himself from doing what his body wanted to do most. Feel the slim body in his embrace, smell Hyungwon, taste him…

_ Stop. _

“I mean that there is a lot I want to show, but I think I will try my best at the actual performance tomorrow. I think it would be good to leave it be until then,” Hoseok whispered, licking over his lips.

"You mean- you don't want to practice anymore? But you were so worried!" Hyungwon was obviously surprised and grabbed his face with his big hands, cupping it while leaning in to look at him closely. "Are you saying the truth? I can't tell, I only have this feeling of discomfort in my body because you don't return my touch."

"I think I need to think and play. I considered what you told me when we first met, you asked me what it is that I want to show and I think you're right. I'm still not there and the only thing I do is repeat the things I did before, but it's not what I need to say. It's not because of you. You're perfect and so is Kihyun." It felt good to tell the truth while being held, unable to run away. Hoseok could see his best friend nod in the corner of his eye.

"To me you're perfect too," Hyungwon whispered softly and kissed his cheek before letting go again. "I'm sure you'll figure it out and be amazing. You make people feel the music, especially me. I still have goosebumps and cellos can't have goosebumps!" The black-haired man pulled up the sleeve of the elegant shirt that he was performing in and pointed at his forearm. Small goosebumps had spread along the golden skin.

"Kihyun can do that," he murmured and increased the distance, putting his instrument back into its case. "Let's all sleep well and I’ll see you tomorrow," he said while smiling as much as he could.

Hyungwon glanced at him with big eyes and shook his head.

"Kihyun's voice is beautiful, but for me it's you." The dancer smiled briefly and collected his few things that consisted of his phone and a key, not even a wallet. Only when the beautiful black-haired man wrapped his arms around him and kissed his cheek in goodbye briefly, did Hoseok realise that Hyungwon had only waved at Kihyun before disappearing through the door. The dancer hadn't been as close to his friend as he was to him.

The door closed and he stayed in silence until he finally noticed Kihyun, who stared at him without commenting. 

"Fuck my life," he murmured and sank to the ground, burying his head between his knees. "How am I supposed to perform like this?" 

Kihyun shuffled and he felt the warmth of his best friend’s short arms. 

"What's going on with you two? Did you fight? You need to make up or this will be a catastrophe. He acts as if you're some untouchable species even though his dancing is perfect and emotional until he comes closer and you look like an emotionless tree trying to act invincible and moving your hand mechanically, as if you're trying to get it over with. This is ridiculous, Hoseok. Get your shit together or ditch the last part.”

_ But he wanted to become your cello. Do you want him to become your cello?  _

Hoseok wanted something, but he didn't know what.

_

 

He slept only two hours, but Kihyun helped him with makeup after putting on his dark-blue suit and his favourite shirt that Hyungwon had fixed for him back then. It was interesting how he always thought about the dancer's face when he saw the piece of clothing.

_ You'll see him in a bit. _

Usually his performances consisted of him trying to be perfect because that's exactly how his dad wanted him. He never disappointed him. Ever. 

_ Maybe you have to today.  _

The performance was different, so different from what he usually did. There also wasn't any 'usually'- he just played cello. That's all he could do, but he could do it perfectly. Hyungwon wasn't a cello, so he couldn't be perfect, could he? The thoughts kept circling in his head, making him dizzy and nervous in addition to the fact that he had spent all night composing a new piece. A piece Hyungwon didn’t know.

_ Do you trust him? _

_ No. _

_ You trust his ability to improvise in dance. _

Walking into the gorgeous baroque style building he got the familiar feeling he got when he played classical pieces or was part of an orchestra performance. The people looked okay, dressed in fancy suits and long, or short dresses, dark colors, mostly a combination of black and white. A chess board.

Nodding politely at some of his professors, he slipped past the crowd to the dressing rooms to find Hyungwon. He had to at least warn the other man.

_ Fifteen minutes before the performance. Amazing, Hoseok. _

He knocked briefly and stuck his head through the doorway.

His eyes immediately fell on Hyungwon who was standing in the middle of the room, hands crossed in front of his chest and shaking his head furiously. The sight wouldn’t have been strange if the dancer was wearing a shirt, but he wasn’t, dressed only in his dark brown pants and nothing else. Nunu was standing in front of him with the sweatshirt that belonged to the costume, holding it out for the black-haired man to wear.

“I don’t want to,” Hyungwon yelled, loud enough for the sound to travel much further than the dressing room. The dancer’s friend was the first one to realize that Hoseok was there, smiling softly and nodding at him.

“Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked and slipped into the room, closing the door behind himself smoothly. “Are you okay? I wanted to tell you that there was… a change,” he started and chewed on his lip. It was so fucking unprofessional and crazy, but he couldn’t perform anything else, not with the way they had created the performance until now.

“Huh? You mean that I don’t want to wear the shirt? There is a reason!” The black-haired man pointed at his sweatshirt in Nunu’s hands before pointing at his naked chest again. “I think I am a better cello without the shirt. You see the movements better and the way my upper body bends. I am also not wearing shoes, I think it’s much better that way. I can be graceful. What do you think? Nunu says I can’t just change things last minute.”

Hoseok wanted to say something about clothes and that they had a certain function that one couldn’t abandon, but remembered that he had changed the music, the base for Hyungwon’s dance, last minute. Literally.

“Just dance without a shirt. But it will be different music,” he whispered, looking to the ground and trying to concentrate on the old wooden floor, on the uneven planks and scratches that covered them. He hated being unprofessional and unreliable.

The sound of surprise didn’t come from Hyungwon but from his best friend, who stepped a little closer and accidentally dropped the sweatshirt he had been holding.

“The performance is in thirteen minutes and you are changing the music? How is he supposed to know what it will be?”

“By listening to it now,” Hyungwon replied and the dancer’s face appeared right under his suddenly, smiling brightly. “You wrote it yourself, right? Like you wanted to.”

“Yes. But… my cello is already on stage and I’m afraid you have to improvise. I… I really have nothing to say right now… just…,” there was a long pause, before he lifted his gaze and looked at Hyungwon, eyes focussing on the big, brown orbs, “just listen to me play.”

Hyungwon stared at him, eyes their familiar chestnut brown color and lips remaining spread in a smile.

“So I am dancing for you, right? Because you are going to play it for me.” Jumping up on his right leg, the dancer turned smoothly and giggled loudly. Only Hyungwon's friend remained standing like a statue and staring at the black-haired man in shock.

“You’re… okay?” Nunu asked softly and finally stepped a little closer towards Hyungwon, grabbing his wrists to stop him from jumping around more. “He just changed your whole performance by saying the music is different and you are fine even though you practised those steps for weeks?”

Hyungwon shrugged and tried to free himself from the grip. “I changed them all the time too, because it depended on the way Hoseok looked at me on that day. If he wants to play something else now, it only means the steps will rearrange, but I am still going to dance them. A cello is a cello after all.”

“Wow… you-” Hoseok stared with his mouth open, before swallowing loudly, “you’re insane. Kihyun hates me because I made him study his part at five in the morning today. But I know it. I know that you can do it. I’ve seen you dance. There is something I have to say. I mean play.” After staring at Hyungwon’s handsome face for too long, he looked down, but faced the other man’s naked skin instead, face heating up and heart threatening to jump out of his chest.

“I have something to say too,” the black-haired dancer whispered and leaned in to place a kiss on his mouth, just like that. It was only a second before he pulled away again and smiled brightly. “We are similar after all, aren’t we? Deciding to be truthful at the last moment.”

“How is wearing a sweatshirt being ‘untruthful’?” Nunu asked behind them, but Hyungwon simply silenced him by lifting his index finger and pressing it to the tall man’s plump lips.

The kiss felt like someone set him on fire, it felt overwhelming, warm, tingling along his lips, his cheek, neck and stomach, concentrating and fluttering inside it like a big moth. He must have spaced out, staring at Hyungwon as he noticed Nunu’s weirded out gaze.

_ You have to go. You need to collect your thoughts to play. _

“O-okay, I will go and- and talk to Kihyun again. See you on stage,” he murmured, walking backwards, like an idiot, until his back hit the door, hand immediately curling around the handle and opening it. “I hope that you like what I wrote,” he whispered, connecting their gazes for one last time,“but you have to feel it to understand.” A brief nod and a shy smile at Nunu before he disappeared in the hallway, rushing back to his spot where he was supposed to be. The other end of the stage.

_ You have to show it to him. _

He heard the crowd and the Dean who introduced them as the most talented and capable couple, a dancer and a musician in an unknown synergy of both disciplines and whatever else they made up to make it sound fancy, he didn’t care. Hoseok couldn’t wait to go out and meet his cello. His cello that enabled him to talk.

The applause was deafening and he closed his eyes, inhaling once and putting on his professional facial expression of neutrality. At least until he was playing.

_ You can do it, Hoseok. Remember, nothing exists beside the cello and him. _

He sat down on the beautiful chair and took his instrument, ignoring the blinding lights and waiting for Hyungwon to come out. He knew that the dancer only would when he started playing, that had been the plan before, so he bit down on his lip and put the bow on the strings, stroking a gorgeous chord out of them, beautiful and longing, similar to the way he felt.

The sound spread out through the hall, aided by the acoustics of the baroque style building as the curtain at the side was lifted, slowly revealing Hyungwon, one foot arranged closer towards Hoseok while the other remained behind, arranged sideways as if the dancer was still contemplating the distance, hesitating. The posture was as if the first note had made him curious but hadn’t pulled him in yet. Already the choreography was different and the lights changed the angle, reflecting off Hyungwon’s naked chest. He looked good. Really good.

His playing wasn’t about Hyungwon looking amazing, but he watched him, the gracious movements while his bow transformed everything he thought and felt into music, flowing like a river towards the black-haired dancer who moved elegantly, like a antelope, golden skin fitting so well with the dark-brown pants. His chords got more urgent, he wanted Hyungwon closer, to see his face, his dark eyebrows and his slightly parted mouth, his round nose and the youthful, blushed cheeks.

As if responding to his calls, but still hesitating, the beautiful man slipped to the ground, kneeling down and reaching out with each note that Hoseok added to the melody. Turning around smoothly, Hyungwon lifted his back once, motion perfectly visible on his uncovered body, muscles flexing. Pulling himself closer towards Hoseok with his palms flat on the ground, the black-haired man soared in a brief jump that he paired with a desperate note of Hoseok’s, yearning for him to step even closer. There were only a few meters between them and their eyes met.

He felt his heartbeat rushing in his ears and it flowed into the music, just like the warmth he felt when they looked at each other. It was like a safe space, a space where he could show what he thought, how he felt, why he hid behind stupid excuses and acted strange. It was all accessible, free for anybody to see, even though there was only one person Hoseok wanted to show it to. 

The strokes of his bow got faster, sad and devastating, impatient and rough. He wanted to be close, to have Hyungwon next to him. It felt like losing his breath, no air, no oxygen, only the person who was able to give it to him carefully stepping closer, even though he needed it so badly.

Hoseok couldn’t be sure but it seemed like the other man felt similarly, reaching out for him, gradually placing one foot in front of the next as his motions changed, becoming less human and more like the arrangements Hoseok had seen before, even remembered holding in his arms. Hyungwon’s hands travelled along his own thighs upwards to his chest and neck until they finally reached the top and arranged above his head, forming a curl. There was less than a meter remaining and each small step that Hyungwon’s long legs bridged made him feel like the dancer’s breaths were already tickling his cheek.

It was almost time and he saw Kihyun getting ready on the side, fixing the height of the microphone. He bit down on his lip, playing a fast succession of chords, connected through minor tunes and symbolizing oh so well how his thoughts ripped him apart, before he ended it with a rough tune, carefully putting the instrument away and gaze locking with Hyungwon’s. A few seconds of complete silence passed before Kihyun’s heavenly voice filled the hall, so similar to the cello, but also so different, so warm and alive. Hyungwon immediately paired it with a motion of his leg, lifting up to show the sound through a change of his body, exhaling roughly. Only the other man’s facial expression, shifting briefly with emotions as the dancer bit down on his bottom lip hinted at him hearing the music for the first time. 

Stretching out one hand, Hyungwon kept the other arranged in a curl above his head while his legs continued dancing, a mixture of human and non-human motions, symbolizing the transformation. His face portrayed the transition the most, lips parting as his eyes remained focused on Hoseok’s.

Exhaling roughly, Hoseok lifted his left hand in an elegant motion, ready to touch the fingerboard and his right hand with the bow, waiting for the black-haired dancer to take his spot. A brief smile passed over Hyungwon’s lips, resembling relief as he accepted the touch and sat down on his thigh, resting against his chest and throwing his head back. The dancer’s legs spread briefly with a harsh note until they pulled together again, one leg pointed towards the ground and the other curved like the body of a cello.

Hyungwon inhaled sharply and raised both of his arms above his head. A soft breath tickled Hoseok’s ear.

“Play me.”

The proximity felt intense paired with the music Kihyun was able to create with his voice. It was his music, his thoughts, his longing and his attempt to explain. He could've stayed with what he knew and practiced before, but he didn’t want to. Lifting his left hand higher, he stroked over Hyungwon’s bare arms, bow moving along the dancer’s middle carefully. He felt so warm, Hyungwon did.

Hoseok could hear the rough exhales that followed and the way the black-haired man’s body moved along with his bow, following his music and his touches like he was melting in his arms, a cello but still alive.

After Kihyun sang a gorgeous high note, nailing it, Hoseok curled his fingers around Hyungwon’s elegant neck and let his fingers run over it, while his head turned towards the handsome man, overwhelmed by his intoxicating scent and the wish to touch and kiss every spot of skin he could see. Instead he continued stroking Hyungwon’s neck and leaned closer to the other man’s cute ear.

“You don’t need to be my cello,” he whispered, eyes closing at their proximity that felt addicting. “You are you, that’s enough.” The bow fell to the ground with a quiet finish by Kihyun as his lips touched Hyungwon’s cheek for a split second and the lights turned black just as he wanted it to. He knew he had five seconds, so he took the other man’s chin and turned it towards himself, pressing his lips against the warm, delicious ones, body burning in resistance, unwilling to let go, but he did, in time for the lights to turn on again.

The applause was deafening.

Hyungwon still stared at him with wide eyes, but caught himself in time to stand up from his lap and turn towards the crowd. The black-haired man didn’t look like he was seeing the people in front of them, smiling widely and grabbing Hoseok’s hand in his before walking back quickly and pulling Kihyun away from the curtain, holding onto his friend’s hand too.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, hoping that it was enough for randomly kissing other people on stage. It was insane, even if it was dark. He wasn’t really sorry.

“Please don’t be,” Hyungwon whispered and squeezed his hand once, smile that was finally directed at him blinding. The other man’s cheeks were puffy and lifted up his whole face, changing its form and transforming his eyes into crescents. “Because I’m not.”

Several people stood up in the crowd, clapping loudly as the curtain slowly fell in front of them, hiding them from the people that considered them deserving of a standing ovation.

Suddenly the awareness of what the fuck he had done dawned upon him and he panicked, staring at the curtain and not moving an inch.

_ He will kill you, won’t he? What if he sends you abroad? _

“Okay, I need to hide somewhere, somewhere nobody will find me,” he muttered, looking past Hyungwon and meeting Kihyun’s familiar eyes. “Now.”

“What- why?” the black-haired man asked, definitely confused by his sudden change in mood. “Are my arms a safe place? That’s where I want to have you.”

“It has to be something that has a roof and a lock. Kihyun, fuck, hide me, he’ll send me abroad. I don’t want to go.” Hoseok was genuinely terrified because it wasn’t a joke. His father had wanted to send him abroad because he didn’t want to play a piece by a composer he considered a talentless asshole a year ago. He definitely needed to hide.

_ Because if you don’t talk about things, they aren’t there. _

“Do you think he’s mad? I tried to find him, but he was on the left side, out of my view. I don’t know.” His best friend let Hyungwon’s hand go and walked over to him, patting his shoulder. “But you can’t hide in your room, he’ll find you.”

_ Exactly. _

“But I can’t go to a hotel either, because I have his credit card and my own bank doesn’t offer one. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

“Ehm- who is ‘he’?” Hyungwon asked in between and wrapped his long arms around Hoseok’s body, pushing him flush against the other man’s naked chest. “I’ll take you with me and hide you under my blanket. It’s a safe place and Nunu won’t let anybody in.”

“No, you have to stay away from me because there won’t be consequences as long as you’re not really affiliated with me. He is my father. The school director. He probably thinks that I went nuts and will send me abroad for two years, but I don’t want to go.” Hoseok looked around, already paranoid. It was remarkable that he had found the guts to perform.

“But doesn’t he love you? You’ve created a wonderful performance and it was beautiful and my heart is still beating furiously. He should be proud and happy and squish you. You also used your 0.5 IQ point for something else!” Hyungwon was still holding him tightly while nodding to himself, not getting how serious the situation was. Maybe it was better to go to Hyungwon’s place first.

“Okay, let’s go to your place, I’ll try to come up with a solution. I want to throw away my phone.” He was stupid, really. He knew oh too well that there wasn’t much that he could do.

“I’ll talk to him,” Kihyun murmured and sighed, brushing back his hair. “You can disappear, but do it quick.” 

“We can use Nunu’s bike!” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and simply grabbed Hoseok’s hand. Without warning, the dancer just started running, pulling him along mercilessly. The other man was still neither wearing a shirt nor a pair of shoes. It fit to the overall craziness of his situation.

_ But you shouldn’t be pulling him into this. _

He shouldn’t, but he felt so fucking terrified after doing something that he had been thinking about for years, performing something that was inherently him. He was scared to be alone.

_ Maybe this is how he feels too? Only all the time? _

“You don’t have to do this, Hyungwon. The performance is over, you know?” he whispered, running after the tall, black-haired man.

Hurrying up to a confused-looking Nunu, Hyungwon reached into the tall man’s pockets and pulled out a key and a phone before running on, grinning at him in the process.

“Do what? Not wear a shirt? I hate wearing clothes.” Jumping down four stairs at once and almost forcing Hoseok to faceplant, the dancer managed to leave the venue before everyone else and turn around the corner, arriving at a red bike. “Do you know how to ride a bike? You’re probably stronger than me when it’s the weight of two people.”

“The last time I rode a bike was five years ago. I hope I don't kill us both.” 

“At least you’ll know that you expressed yourself before your death!” Hyungwon exclaimed with a grin and giggled right after, fumbling with the lock to open it and get ready to ride off. “I’ll sit on the back then and hold onto your shoulders. I trust you.”

“Don't,” he whispered after getting on and feeling Hyungwon's hands around his waist.

_

 

He was terrified, so fucking terrified, but somehow managed to ride the bike until they reached the familiar dorm building. His legs shook as he climbed up the stairs after the black-haired dancer who wasn't wearing a shirt or shoes. It was like a tragic comedy, two protagonists running away from something they couldn't change. 

As soon as Hyungwon opened the door, he understood why his hands were shaking too. He was alone with the black-haired man, without the stage or excuses. Inhaling sharply, he entered the small space, pressed himself against the wall in the hallway and swallowed, staring at the beautiful dancer. 

_ You kissed him. _

“Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked softly before moving closer and stroking over his cheek, just like that, without an ounce of hesitation. "Are you so scared of your father? This is so strange to me. I was only scared of my mom's vacuum cleaner because it was broken and randomly made noise, without anybody turning it on."

“Uh... it's not that he's scary in general, he is... capable of changing my life in an instant. Usually he doesn't care as long as I do what he wants. And I'm sorry for changing the performance last minute, I needed to show you that I didn't change. I still consider you my feelings friend." Hoseok chewed on the side of his cheek that the black-haired dancer touched.

"I know, I could tell," Hyungwon whispered and smiled, stroking along his skin carefully until his fingertips reached Hoseok's neck. The dancer was so affectionate, watching him with a smile. "But you're over eighteen, Hoseok. If you don't want to go somewhere, then you don't have to. You could be my feelings friend instead of letting somebody change your life."

“I’m sorry for kissing you just like that, I should’ve asked. I’m also sorry for making you cry, I just… ah I don’t know, Hyungwon.” Shaking his head, he tried to bring order to his messy thoughts. “I thought about it and you are wrong. I’m not like those people you usually make out with, because I want to see you independent of that.” 

“Then why didn’t you?” the black-haired man asked and wrapped his arms around him, still smiling widely. “I wanted to see you too, that’s why I was so sad. I thought I did something terrible and that you only wanted to perform with me. I’d even share my teeny tiny bed with you because I like you so much.”

“I… I like you too. I can’t bear to see you cry, it breaks my heart. Please don’t cry because of me. I haven’t met you apart from the performance because I don’t want to bother you. You said you don’t know what to say and how to talk to me, so I tried to keep it simple for you. And for me.” His breath hitched at the hug and he felt like his body became jelly, smearing itself on the wall.

_ It wasn’t simple when you stayed away. It was terrible. _

“But I don’t know what to say via text message to make us meet. I know what to say when I am next to you, because I don’t need to use small talk. Over the phone I don’t know your emotions and you don’t use smileys, so I never know how you feel and get scared.” Hyungwon pouted a little and pulled out his phone without stepping away from Hoseok’s personal space. “Look, you wrote ‘we should meet again’ and didn’t even put a smiley, so it sounds like it’s forced, as if you say it terminator style.” The dancer pouted some more before making his face super serious with pouty lips and repeating the text message out loud with a low and scary voice.

_ It’s pointless. _

“Maybe I should let him send me to Australia,” Hoseok murmured and lifted one eyebrow. “Then you’ll stop writing after a day and forget that I exist.”

“What?” Hyungwon’s face immediately switched back to shock and the black-haired man squished him between his arms, applying as much strength as he was physically able to. “I can’t forget that you exist! How could I? I don’t think about anybody else! My whole lecture notebook is covered in graffiti of your name and small drawings of you with a cello. Oh no- this always happens to me. All the fucking time because I’m too dumb to show that I care. I tried with small-talk questions but it wasn’t good enough. It never is.” The dancer trembled and buried his face in the crook of his neck.

_ Is he going to cry again? _

“Fine, I won’t talk about it anymore,” Hoseok murmured and finally wrapped his arms around the other man’s body, hugging him tightly. It felt so nice that he almost forgot his heartbeat that hammered against his chest continuously, skin sensitive to every single touch and greedy to feel more.

“How can I contact you? Can’t you tell me? Or make a plan, I’ll do everything that’s on the plan, I promise. And I can make post-it notes!” Hyungwon’s voice was muffled by his shirt and the black-haired man rubbed his mouth over the fabric instead of lifting his head to be comprehensible.

“I don’t want to make a plan. You told me that you don’t lie, just do what you like. If you don’t want to contact me, then don’t. I’m fine,” he lied and looked to the side, trying to come up with something to change the topic. It didn’t lead anywhere. “Thank you for dancing so beautifully, even though you didn’t know the music. You're quite talented.”

_ Professional praise is always a good start. _

“It’s because your music is so nice, it gives me goosebumps and a heartbeat that throbs in my ears and even here-” Hyungwon pointed at the spot between his collarbones. “But I want to meet you, I just don’t know how to contact you. I want to learn. Usually I just- sit in front of stairs and wait for the person to appear, but you’re never there. And I get scared that somebody else will be there, not you.”

The black-haired man spoke loudly, gesturing around and pouting his lips once in a while, big brown orbs jumping from his eyes to his nose to his lips and probably eyebrows, he couldn’t tell for sure. He didn’t want to be like those people, he promised himself. He wanted to be a friend like Kihyun explained, someone who was there for the other person, gave affection and support, instead of being greedy for things that were off limits. 

Hyungwon’s slim frame looked even slimmer when the other man wasn’t wearing a shirt and he loved how his big hands looked on his chest when he pointed at his collarbone. Something inside his head short-circuited and he grabbed the other man’s small face with his palms and clashed their lips together, forgetting everything he wanted to pay attention to and losing his sanity in a matter of seconds.

There was a rough exhale at first, followed by widened eyes and an attempt to mumble his name into the kiss. The confusion only lasted for a few seconds until the hands around his neck pulled him close and fingers sank into his hair, tugging at it while Hyungwon tilted his head and parted his lips, whimpering softly. It was so incredibly attractive, Hoseok loved every single sound the black-haired dancer was able to produce.

Parting his lips, he licked into the other man’s hot mouth, playing with his tongue and attempting to be closer, to feel him, to get a grip on what was happening. His right hand curled around Hyungwon’s neck and sunk into the black hair, pulling a little. Hoseok heard himself moan softly, before turning them and letting Hyungwon’s body lean against the wall.

The black-haired man gasped at the impact and tugged at his hair at the same time, tongue eagerly looking for his while a long leg wrapped around him, rubbing over his thighs and behind.

Hoseok loved it, he loved it so fucking much. Hyungwon set him ablaze, burning down every inhibition he pointlessly set up for himself. Maybe it was how they were supposed to communicate. With their hands, their bodies, their tongues. 

_ You're irresponsible. _

He wanted it, the closeness, he had wanted it all along. Every time they met, were next to each other. His body knew it, pulling Hyungwon closer to his chest, tasting his mouth while his lips were whispering his name desperately. 

The dancer responded easily, reading his yearning as if he had spoken it out loud, licking over his lips, meeting his tongue and pulling their chests as close as was physically possible. One hand was still entangled with his hair while another roamed over his back, massaged the muscles and scratched over the fabric of his shirt.

“I had to rip my lips away from you after the performance, I wanted to kiss you, there are still spots on your face I haven't kissed, shit, I don’t want to be like those people, but look at me,” Hoseok whispered, hands traveling over the other man's naked back, applying pressure and longing for more. Attaching his lips to the dancer’s delicate neck, he nibbled on the warm skin, sucking in the intoxicating scent that was inherently Hyungwon. It made him lose his sanity.

“You’re not like them,” Hyungwon murmured and stroked over his head, smiling at him in between gasps that left the plump mouth. The dancer was still just as sensitive. “You care about what’s behind my lips.”

It was confusing but at the same time, Hoseok wasn’t able to stop, feeling his heartbeat hamming in his ears.

“Your… tongue? But I could also… stop kissing you. If that’s what you want.” He forced himself to lean back, rough breaths shaking up his ribcage and suit jacket suddenly too hot for the occasion.

“No,” Hyungwon replied with a loud chuckle, mouth not pausing but covering his whole face in small kisses, lips wet and warm. “Me.”

Was hypocrisy human nature? Was it normal to say one thing and do another? Lifting his fingers to the dancer's chest, Hoseok rubbed against the small dark nipple while hiding his lips in his mouth.

Hyungwon gasped as his eyes widened and he giggled again.

“You must have really missed me. I’m happy, I missed you too,” he whispered and leaned in, closing his lips around a spot on Hoseok’s neck and sucking intently. The black-haired man rubbed his lips along the transition from his neck to his shoulder and licked a smooth line to his collarbone before nibbling on it as well.

“I can't forget how you looked. How you sat on my bed, fuck. I thought about it at least four times a day, what am I supposed to do now?” he whined, cupping Hyungwon’s face again and licking over his thick bottom lip. Hoseok felt tipsy, even though he hadn't drunk anything.

“I think about stuff like that all the time, Hoseok, everybody does,” Hyungwon replied and smiled again, this time against his skin. “The difference is that it’s not the only thing you thought about concerning me. I'm happy. I thought about you too, about the way your face looks when I say something and how your breath hitches when I come closer. I also thought about the sound of your voice and that ethereal smile of yours.”

“I need you to tell me how I'm supposed to behave towards you. Can I kiss you? Touch you? Am I allowed to want things? What does it mean that we are feelings friends? Is it okay if I like you?” he asked, voice trembling because of his sensitivity and the continuous ministrations.

“Treat me like your cello,” the black-haired man replied and bit into his neck carefully.

How was he supposed to treat Hyungwon like his cello? The fact that the dancer couldn't be his cello had been the whole point of his performance an hour ago.

“I think we might never get to the point where we will understand each other,” he whispered.

 


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why do you want me to touch you if I can't fucking do it? Why are you so weird?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 25th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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Heartbeats were pleasant and regular, they felt the best when they were fast and exciting, something to concentrate on. Hyungwon had always loved listening to his heartbeat and focusing on the trembling sensation that it evoked in his chest. Only when he turned sixteen and had a quick heartbeat while lying down, he understood that it wasn't supposed to beat like that.

_ Your heart beats because you are excited or stressed. _

He couldn't have been stressed, not right after a performance and with warm arms surrounding him, the same arms he had been dreaming of over the past week that they had practised regularly. There had only been a brief moment, a few seconds during which he enjoyed hot hands against his throat until it was already over. Hyungwon had tried to be himself, to touch when he wanted to and to be cheerful.

_ But it's difficult when there is no response apart from aversion. _

Maybe that had been the reason for changing his stage outfit, removing the ballet shoes and the sweatshirt that was supposed to cover his skin. Hyungwon didn't want to be covered, he wanted to be as close as possible to the cello, shown in his true colour.

Nunu had been surprised about his calmness, about the nonchalance with which he accepted the change in music. It wasn't surprising, because something had disturbed him, evoked discomfort whenever he performed his part. The discomfort had been the reason for practising so frequently, even at the dorm with Nunu watching.

It hadn't been natural with the previous music, but with the changed piece it was. Hyungwon felt like he flew from one note to the next, allowing it to carry him towards the blonde man and be held, kissed even as soon as the lights turned off. 

_ You want to have those feelings for yourself, the feelings he has towards his instrument.  _

Even now he was allowed a kiss, as if his dreams had decided to escape their nightly prison and become reality. His arms were wrapped tightly around the blonde man and his fingers played with the elegant shirt. It was the one he had fixed back then, fabric familiar in his hands.

Hoseok asked him so many questions, permission to be close, to touch, whether it was okay to want him, to be feelings friends. The answer to all the questions was yes and Hyungwon struggled to understand why they needed to be asked. There was nothing that he desired more than to have the musician next to him, to be looked at with the same affection that occupied his features at the sight of his cello or when he played.

So he said it, asked to be treated like the cello, to have the same emotional eyes meet his. He wasn't able to sound as beautiful, but he could try, he could practise and work on his moves and the arrangement of his limbs. Hyungwon was willing to spend the rest of his life on his tiptoes if it meant he could take the wooden instrument’s place.

“I think we might never get to the point where we will understand each other,” Hoseok replied suddenly, showing that Hyungwon’s words weren't comprehensible.

“I want you to do all the things you mentioned,” Hyungwon tried again and nibbled on Hoseok’s collarbone. It tasted so good that he couldn't resist and whimpered while sucking on the beautiful patch of skin. “I want you to look at me the same way, I can't describe it. I only know that I want it and I feel like I'm dying inside when I don't see you and you keep your distance.”

“Maybe we don't need to talk because we feel the same,” the blonde man hissed in reaction to his ministrations and curled his arms around his thighs, lifting him in the air as if he didn't weight anything. “You're blind.”

“I- I'm blind?” he asked and held onto the other man's neck tightly, unwilling to let go and excited at being lifted up. His concerns disappeared in a matter of seconds. He loved the sensation so much. Resting his head against Hoseok’s chest, he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of being weightless. It felt so relaxing, like nothing else mattered anymore.

“Yes, you're blind. Because you don't see how I look at you. How much I looked forward to every practice because I knew that you would be close to me. Maybe you're also a little dumb.” Hoseok chuckled and pressed him against the wall, kissing his neck with hot breaths tickling his ear.

_ He wanted to be close to you?  _

“M- maybe,” Hyungwon forced out and gasped loudly, head hitting the white tapestry. “I can't look people in the eyes when they look at me, but- it's a little easier with you because your eyes are so dark. They are pretty.”

“Then look at me, Hyungwon. Look me in the eyes and tell me what you see,” the beautiful man whispered and leaned back, black eyes staring right through him and blush covering his gorgeous cheeks. His gaze looked intense.

Hyungwon panicked suddenly, blinking repeatedly and only slowly returning his head to a vertical position. He was a little scared.

_ Because he wants to hear something romantic, but you can't do it. You're so bad at this. _

Swallowing, he focused on the blonde man's round eyes. They were pretty and cute somehow, making his face softer than his body suggested.

“Your eyes are pretty,” he whispered and kept staring. “They are really dark, like there is no scary pupil staring at me. You seem safe because of that, a place where I can curl up and be myself. They make me want to hug you too and wiggle my arms really quickly.” He simply spoke the truth, it was the only thing that came to his mind.

Hoseok sighed in reply and removed one hand from his thigh, holding him in place with his broad hips instead. The pale fingers reached for his face, stroking over his lips gently.

“Why am I like this, huh?”

“This beautiful? I don't know,” Hyungwon replied truthfully and stared. “You make my chest burn, so much that I want to live inside you, but that's not physically possible.”

_ Is he sad? But why?  _

He couldn't tell, even though Hoseok’s face was expressive. The sigh was what made everything different, like Hyungwon had disappointed him.

_ But why did he stay away from you?  _

“Oh no! You are the one who is a little dumb,“ he muttered and rubbed his nose against Hoseok’s. “You want to be close to me but ran away. That doesn't make sense.”

“It makes sense because it's a decision between torture and disappointment. But you're too addicting. I can't keep my eyes off you and I can't keep my hands off you. It's an intense thing this feelings friends category of yours.” The blonde man looked serious, gaze locked with his for so long already. 

“Why… do I only give you those terrible things?” Hyungwon asked, staring back and beginning to feel uncomfortable. “Don't you feel happy in my arms, next to me? I'm so happy when you hold me like this.” Hoseok’s words made sense but their meaning didn't, not all together. It was easy for Hyungwon, if he wanted to be close, then he was close.

_ Unless the other person doesn't want to. _

“Oh God, do you think I don't want to be close to you, Hoseok? I do! I want it so much that Nunu said I think you need to explain this!”

“Hyungwon, are you drunk? What are you talking about? I feel like soaring when I'm next to you but I'm scared to fall and break my neck. You're addicting but I know well about addiction that's why I've never tried any drugs or smoked. It's not my thing to lose control. My thing is to learn to control everything.” Hoseok tilted his head and licked over his lips. “But I can't control you. You're unpredictable.”

“I think everything I do makes sense,” Hyungwon replied and nodded to be convincing. “Mostly.”

Chewing on his cheek, he tried to think about what else he needed to say while smelling Hoseok’s gorgeous scent. Hyungwon wanted to be part of it so badly.

_ The alcohol, he thinks you're drunk. _

“I don't drink,” he commented and licked along the shell of the musician's ear. It was so big and visible, Hyungwon loved it. He could have covered it with his whole mouth.

“You know what? Let's stop talking,” Hoseok murmured after shaking his head at him, and licked into his mouth hungrily. Moving away from the wall, the muscular man carried him to the bed before sitting on the edge, lips not leaving his for a single second.

That was definitely familiar, so Hyungwon grinned into the kiss and added to his previous efforts by climbing on top of Hoseok’s lap and rolling his hips forward to make the other man feel good. He knew how to do that, he was an expert one might say.

Hoseok moaned beautifully with his mouth open, eyes fluttering shut and hands curling around his waist.

“Show me that finger thing,” he hissed right after the moan.

“On you?” Hyungwon asked and giggled softly. He didn't mind, playing with Hoseok was also nice, then he could listen to the other man's soft moans and gasps, the way his eyes would open wide because he'd never had that feeling. Also- his fingers were super long.

“No, touching is prohibited - for you. I want to touch you just the way you like it without you thinking you have to touch me. I don't want you to touch me.” The blonde man looked serious, grabbing his chin between his thumb and index finger. 

The contact sent a wave of arousal to his groin, so he definitely didn't mind being touched. Nodding quickly, he threw himself to the side, on top of the bed and lifted up his knees. “Undress me then, please.”

“I'm going to learn how to play you, I might die of shame and embarrass myself, but I'll learn it. I'm persistent.” Licking over his curved lips, Hoseok leaned over, opening the button of his pants with his shaky fingers, only managing after the third try before pulling down the zipper and looking up like a shy bunny. It was cute but Hyungwon didn't comment. Instead he smiled reassuringly and lifted his hips to help Hoseok slide his performance pants and underwear off.

_ He's shy, so you'll probably have to tell him that the underwear needs to go too. _

The blonde man was adorable and Hyungwon reached out to stroke over his cheek, enjoying the softness. Hoseok must shave every single day.

“Take it all off, Hoseok.”

There was hesitation before the other man's hands reached for his trunks and pulled them off his long legs. The black eyes stared.

Still smiling, Hyungwon observed the way Hoseok checked out his body and licked over his lips. The cellist seemed fascinated by the sight, maybe because Hyungwon was completely lasered or because it had been really dark last time. Nakedness had never mattered much to him, especially not next to somebody he wanted to be close with. Curious how Hoseok would react, he made his dick twitch.

“Oh God,” the blonde man whispered, visibly ashamed by his reaction, and fixed his suit pants that looked incredibly tight, attractive bulge forming under the fabric. A few moments passed until Hoseok caught himself and reached for his calf, lifting it with his right hand and attaching his lips to the naked skin.

Hyungwon gasped, loving to have his legs kissed. Hoseok was beautiful and the sight of curved lips against his skin was addicting. It was easy to imagine the blonde man between his legs, sucking him off or fucking him with his tongue.

_ Fingers, it's about fingers right now. _

“You can bite them too if you like. I really enjoy the sensation, especially on my inner thighs.”

Hoseok complied, nibbling on his skin and travelled upwards, coming dangerously close to where it felt good.

“I love your scent,” the blonde man whispered, black eyes peeking from under his bangs.

Hyungwon blinked, flattered by the comment and at the same incredibly aroused by the touches. “Shit, you make me dizzy.” His dick twitched again, this time because of a particularly nice bite on his inner thigh. He was really sensitive there.

“I want you to teach me, show me what I need to do for you to fall apart at my touches, just like I fall apart as soon as you touch me.” The blonde man reached between his legs hesitantly, black eyes watching him intently. “Can I?“

The slow touches were torture, sensations that set him smoldering slowly but steadily, hot enough to cause a pricking sensation without keeping the fire burning.

“Please,” Hyungwon forced out and didn't even manage to suppress the way his hips thrust upwards, yearning for the touch. “I'll teach you everything you want, but please touch me.”

“I'll touch you with my hands first,” Hoseok replied, curling his fingers around the base of his dick while his thumb spread the precum over his tip. He could see how sharp the other man's exhales were, sporadically leaving his curved lips.

“Yes, fuck, please,” he moaned loudly and thrust into Hoseok’s hand. He wanted it so much, so fucking much. They hadn't gone far yet, but his chest was burning and his legs kept trembling, mouth refusing to shut because of the gasps that passed his lips. “More.”

Hoseok started moving his hand, tightening his grip as soon as he reached his tip, thumb digging into his slit and black eyes watching him. Hoseok was aroused too, gorgeous bulge visible through his thin suit pants.

“What… would you like me to do?”

“Can you… get the lube out of the drawer and put some on your hands?” he asked and threw his head back. His mind was still dizzy, so he tried to get closer by crawling downwards, enough to almost lie on top of Hoseok’s lap with his hips.

“L-lube? Uh, yes.” Hoseok let him go and pointed at the bedside table, awaiting a nod. As soon as he got his confirmation, the blonde man got out the big bottle and looked at it, mildly terrified by the size. “This?”

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied until he remembered that Hoseok probably had no idea what the fuck he was doing. “It's lubricant, it makes your fingers feel even better on my dick and it makes it possible to finger me. It's the magic liquid.” Giggling, he spread and closed his legs a few times in excitement until he kept them apart and placed his feet on Hoseok’s thighs.

“Okay, I feel like dying already. You have to be specific about it, tell me how to do it, every single step. It needs to be perfect. I'm not playing if it isn't perfect.” Staring between his legs, Hoseok swallowed and handed him the lube.

_ You need to guide him, Hyungwon. _

“Alright, listen up babe,” he began and smiled reassuringly. Usually he would take care of it himself if the person didn't really know what to do, but learning was important, so he concentrated to come up with the necessary steps instead of pointless moaning. “You're going to cover your fingers now, the amount should be about strawberry-sized. You'll cover your fingers with it, two-” Hyungwon glanced at the blonde man's hand and changed his mind, “three should be good. You'll start by rubbing over my ass and once it's nice and slick you can put a finger inside me.”

Hyungwon was glad that he was hairless and his butthole looked cute.

“This is ridiculous,” the low voice whispered before Hoseok complied, covering his fingers hesitantly and letting out a shaky breath. A few seconds passed before he felt the other man's lubricated fingers stroking over his crack. The touch was so light.

“You're doing well,” he praised and spread his legs wider, shifting to be closer. “You can apply more pressure, rub over it to loosen it up, make it give in. It's like with pursed lips, you gotta kiss them properly to make them part.”

“I'm scared to play a wrong tune,” the cellist whispered. His eyes closed and he leaned a little closer to Hyungwon, strong fingers stroking him like an instrument, getting bolder but not nearly enough. “Help me,” Hoseok murmured barely audibly. 

_ You have to show him. _

Smiling, he sat up and reached out with his right hand, stroking over Hoseok’s beautiful face. “I’ll lead your hand, okay?”

Licking over his lips, he placed his hand on top of the blonde man's wrist, stroking along it until his fingers arrived at his own entrance. Inhaling once he relaxed and applied pressure to Hoseok’s middle finger. The tip slipped inside his body and he gasped at the friction, lips parting as he watched the blonde man's face. It was something he had learned, to show his pleasure openly because his partners liked it.

The action led to a loud gasp as the black eyes widened.

“Oh my god. It's so… so warm and narrow.” Swallowing loudly, Hoseok stared at him.

“Thirty-seven degrees Celsius,” Hyungwon replied with a giggle and rolled his hips horizontally, basking in the way the other man's finger felt against his rim. It satisfied his preference for friction, so now it was time to search for the spot.

“Go deeper,” he murmured and closed his eyes, index finger pushing against Hoseok’s hand to have the digit deeper, up to the second knuckle. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so thankful for doing an enema before a performance. He hated the way nervousness ruined his digestive system, so he made sure to take care of it in advance. His eyes kept fluttering open and focusing on Hoseok’s groin, imagining what the thick dick would feel like inside of him. 

_ Amazing probably, but focus, it's about fingers and teaching. _

“And now?” Hoseok looked pale and tense, probably weirded out, as his finger slipped deeper. He could feel the other man's hand shake, it was almost like a vibrator. 

“Don't worry, I'm super clean,” he commented with a gasp, hips still drawing smooth circles. He really liked how it felt. “Now I'll show you the spot that feels really good, okay? The one you need to press as much as possible.”

“Press? Like a button? Or vibrate against? Or hold? Or rub? Those are different things, Hyungwon, it's important,” Hoseok exclaimed and shifted, accidentally curling his finger and stabbing his prostate.

“Fuck,” he yelled loudly and threw his upper body to the bed, toes curling and nails scratching over Hoseok’s wrist in the process. Fuck it felt so fucking good. Hyungwon wanted to hold onto the blonde man and ride his finger, scream his name and beg him for more while pulling those blonde strands.

“P-poke it?” Hyungwon tried, not sure what was the best idea. He didn't really care either, he only wanted that finger to do that again. Or even better a dick. “Vibrate is- also good. You can try it all out and use what makes me scream the most, like what you just did. Oh fuck, this makes me so horny.”

He groaned and pouted at the precum on his tip.

Hoseok got scared first, moving his hand away and robbing him of the amazing sensation, but stopped in the middle, staring at him and lifting one eyebrow.

“Was that it? Did you like that?” the blonde man asked before pushing his finger back and curling it, searching for the spot. “I can't believe I put my finger inside someone's butt.” 

“You'll- you'll get used to the thought once I scream your name and beg you for more,” Hyungwon replied nonchalantly and lifted his right leg to throw it on top of Hoseok’s shoulder. He wanted to crawl closer and do it again, fucking please. “It's not just my ass, it's my prostate, a special place. Please poke it a lot, fuck.”

The gorgeous man closed his dark eyes, giving him a break from all the intense eye contact and experimented a bit until he found it. 

“This?” he asked and rubbed right over it, applying pressure as if it were strings he had to hold. 

Hyungwon screamed again, this time he didn't even bother cursing, unable to as he almost thrust his hips into Hoseok’s face and scratched over his muscular forearms. It felt amazing, especially whatever the fuck it was that the blonde man did to it after pressing down.

“Yes! Right there, right fucking there,” he groaned and threw his head to the side while spreading his legs wider. He wanted to lift them high up, that was going to make the feeling so much better. “Shit, lemme-”

He wrapped his arms around his thighs and pulled them up, whimpering at the change in angle. He wanted it so bad, so fucking bad. His other senses faded out and only left the capacity to feel pleasure.

“Oh my god.” The other man's attractive voice entered his ears as Hoseok leaned forward and flexed his forearm, digit vibrating right against the sensitive spot inside his ass. What an experience. 

“More,” Hyungwon forced out as his hips lifted up to meet the digit all by themselves. “Fuck, give me more Hoseok, please, fucking please, I'm dying.” His voice broke in the middle but he didn't care, whimpering loudly and pushing his legs further back. He wanted Hoseok to fuck him with his fingers, several of them. 

However, apparently the other man didn't know what else to do apart from stabbing his prostate mercilessly.

“Ah, fuck-” Hyungwon gasped and scratched over Hoseok’s whole arm until he reached the blonde man's wrist and could pause the motions. He was dying. “Another- add another finger,” he pressed out and allowed his head to fall back to the mattress, one leg higher than the other because he didn't have the fucking strength.

“I see,” Hoseok whispered and pulled back before inserting two fingers inside him. It didn't take long for the cellist to find the spot and he vibrated against it, this time stronger and using both fingers at once.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

“Shit- please- oh my fucking god, please,” Hyungwon groaned and felt his whole body tremble at the ministrations. It was otherworldly, good enough to faint right then and there and still be satisfied. He wanted more of it and damn he wanted to come. His dick kept twitching and throbbing between his legs. “Fuck me with your fingers, Hoseok, just like that, yes.”

“Do you like it?” Hoseok asked and pulled a triumphant smile, rubbing his insides and moving his fingers more.

“Yes,” Hyungwon screamed, even scaring himself a little. “Fuck yes, I want you so much. Please touch my dick too, please, please, please.”

“Like this?” Curling his fingers around the base of his dick, Hoseok stroked him. He seemed confident suddenly, eyes attentive and hands moving in perfect coordination.

Hyungwon groaned instead of replying and thrust up into the tight grip before sliding closer against the two fingers that continuously vibrated against his prostate. It was fucking crazy and robbed him of air and awareness.

“Am I any good?” Smiling, the blonde man leaned down and licked over the tip of his dick, pumping his digits in and out of him. “You said three fingers, do you want more?”

“You-” Hyungwon didn't even know how to finish his sentence, breathing heavily as his orgasm built up in a matter of seconds, rushing through his body and causing his legs to tremble furiously. He couldn't even believe that Hoseok had just licked over the tip of his dick while stroking it and fucking him with his fingers. The image was too much, too vibrant and arousing to hold back. So he didn't.

Screaming the blonde man's name, he scratched over muscular forearms and simply released himself while throwing his head back and squeezing his eyes shut. Fuck, it felt so damn good.

His body was still trembling when he finally opened his eyes and lifted his head to finally look at Hoseok’s gorgeous face. Hoseok’s gorgeous face that was covered in white, some dripping down from his curved lips and down his chin.

_ You just jizzed on his fucking face, Hyungwon. _

“Holy shit, I'm sorry,” he whispered, but twitched his dick instead of doing anything decent.

Hoseok stared at him for a few long seconds before licking over his lips and removing his fingers from his dick and his ass.

“Do you have… tissues?”

Staring for a few more seconds, Hyungwon decided to become proactive and bent himself weirdly, one leg still thrown over Hoseok’’s shoulder. Luckily he was super flexible. Grabbing Hoseok’s face with his palms, he licked over the blonde man’s cheek, tasting himself.

“This is like porn,” he giggled and licked over Hoseok’s gorgeous lips next. “But I’d rather taste yours.”

“Let me… just… wash my face real quick,” the blonde man murmured, all confidence wiped from his face. Slipping from under his legs, Hoseok stood up and disappeared into the bathroom.

_ Oh no, you freaked him out. _

“I’m sorry, but I just felt too good!” he yelled after the blonde man and grabbed a few wet wipes from his night table to wipe over his groin. Hoseok was still dressed and suddenly Hyungwon doubted that he was going to be able to change that in the future. He curled up on the bed and waited for Hoseok to return, ignoring the blanket that pooled at the edge of the bed.

Time passed and nothing happened, only the clock in Nunu’s room continued ticking and he heard the sound of running water.

_ Why are you lying here if you freaked him out? _

Standing up quickly enough to get dizzy, he leaned against the wall for a few seconds until he felt ready enough to walk. Rushing over to the small bathroom, he tried to open the door but realized it was locked. Pouting briefly he used the nail of his index finger to turn the lock and enter anyway, eyes immediately scanning the room for the blonde man. Hyungwon had to make sure he was okay and tell him how wonderful he was.

“Are you a gangster? How can you open the door if a person locked it?” Hoseok looked at him, eyes wide and face pale, a few wet drops staining his white shirt. The blonde man was washing his face. “I don't even know what I'm doing, maybe I should go home. Or to Australia.”

“But- it's easy! Didn't you see the way the lock is made? There is this line and if I put my nail in there I can turn it. Look!” Excited that he was able to show Hoseok something, he opened the door completely so that the musician could see the lock and showed him the process by turning the lock again. “I was lying in bed and missed you, so I came here. You ran away suddenly and I don't know why. Are you okay? Is it because I came on your face? You can cum on my face too if you like!”

“What? No! Why would I want that?” the blonde man exclaimed, shook his head and dried his hands quickly. “It's because all of this is so weird.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon didn't know what to say to that. If it felt weird to Hoseok then there wasn't much that he could do. Apart from hugging him maybe.

Nodding to himself, he walked over and wrapped his arms around Hoseok from behind. His head rested on the other man's muscular shoulder and he stroked over the soft fabric.

“Is it better now?” he asked and remembered that Hoseok had come to his room to escape his father.

“You mean do I feel better because you are hugging me? Yes, it feels definitely better than the stuff before.” The blonde man sighed and sunk to the floor, burying his head between his knees. “I have no idea what I'm doing, playing whatever for my performance, touching you like this even though you're a friend, I'm crazy.”

“No, you're not,” Hyungwon replied and sank to the floor to hug Hoseok tighter. The blonde man's voice was so desperate and he couldn't understand why. Hoseok only did wonderful things until now. “You made me feel really good, enough to come prematurely and I loved it, Hoseok.”

“I hate it. I hate not knowing what to do and I hate being insecure,” the low voice whispered. “Why do you even want to be close to me? I can't compare to those assholes from the club.”

“What? You're the best, Hoseok!” Hyungwon couldn't believe that the blonde man felt inferior to somebody whose interactions with him stopped after penetrative sex. Those guys didn't bother asking what he liked most of the time and he had to ride the inexperienced ones to feel good. “You're my feelings friend, you care about me, you made me feel so good and I'm happy when I kiss or hug you. I'm happy right now.” He wrapped his arms around the musicians neck instead of his waist and tried to peel the other man's knees away to lie down in between, squeezing his body into the space between Hoseok’s chest and thighs.

“But I'm unhappy because I suck at this. You're not my cello because I can control it perfectly, I know what to do, I play like a god, but you… fuck. I should just let myself be sent to Australia. This is torture, I thought I would be good if I tried but I'm not, I want to go home and not talk to anyone.” The blonde man was staring at his knees and hesitant to look at him directly.

“You… think you're no good at touching me?” Hyungwon stared like an idiot, eyes wide. “How can you think that you're no good after making me scream like that? It felt amazing! My body is still throbbing from the pleasure. Your fingers are unreal.”

“Why are you trying to make me feel better? You don't have to. Just… I won't touch you anymore, I'll play cello and be your feelings friend. Please tell me how I can stop thinking about you? You made me start, so you tell me how to stop it, it’s torture. Even now, you're… fuck.” Hoseok looked down at him before blushing and removing his gaze again.

“Oh shut up,” Hyungwon hissed, losing patience. He couldn't lie, there was no point in telling Hoseok things that weren't true. He wanted nothing more than to be touched, but the blonde man kept finding reasons not to.

Shifting, he grabbed Hoseok’s face with his hands and made sure those round, black eyes were staring at him. 

“I want you to touch me, do you hear me? _All_ _the_ _fucking time_. If I could live with your body attached to mine, then I would do it. But I can't, because there are stupid social rules and I need to go to the bathroom and other people don't like to see that because they have shame.” He licked over his lips to make them nicer and pressed them against Hoseok’s, eyes fluttering shut immediately because of how calming it was. Hyungwon wanted to be close at all times, to be able to talk so that others understood and believed him. He doubted that there was anybody he wanted to be close to as much as Hoseok. It was an unusual thought, but it was how he felt.

He couldn't really move because he was squeezed between Hoseok’s chest and thighs, but it was nice and warm. If only Hoseok was naked too, it would have been perfect.

“Why do you want me to touch you if I can't fucking do it? Why are you so weird?” the blonde man whispered after breaking the kiss. The black eyes stared at him for a few seconds before Hoseok exhaled softly and clashed their lips together, moaning into the kiss and muscular body relaxing.

_ He doesn't believe your words, but he believed your moans, Hyungwon. _

 

***

 

Frustration. It has been a long time since he had last felt this frustrated. The problem was still the same, the same he had back when Hyungwon sat on his lap and told him that he was bad at contacting people. Expectations.

_ You keep expecting that this will flow magically, but it's complicated, unnatural and frustrating and the worst is that you're not able to learn it and you suck so bad. _

There was nothing worse for Hoseok’s self esteem than being bad at something. It was simply unnatural. Sure, he ran around telling people that he wasn't good at communicating with others, but it had been his excuse to make up a weakness he didn't have for people to leave him alone and not call him an arrogant asshole (not that he cared much). He wasn't bad at communicating, he simply didn't want to communicate.

_ But you want to be good at touching him. You want to make it seem natural, like playing cello, stroking the sounds out of him without having to think about it, being scared and having every single movement explained by him. _

Not only did Hoseok put his fingers in his friend's butt, no, he also touched his dick and got sperm on his face, freaking out and running to the bathroom. The embarrassment was too much and he genuinely thought about running away, hiding under his blanket and forgetting about everything, or even better, let himself be sent to Australia and avoid facing the embarrassment in the form of Hyungwon’s handsome face that appeared in front of him, telling him that he was awesome and simply lying about everything. Shit.

He would've stayed away, he really would have, but he didn't know how. How was he supposed to stop thinking about the black-haired dancer, if he was everything Hoseok thought about? His lips, his laugh, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about something he found interesting. Hyungwon was so weird for wanting him, so weird.

_ He's so weird but you like him. _

Hoseok did and his body didn't listen to him, grabbing the handsome face with both palms and connecting their lips, body melting like butter and resolve crumbling with every passing second. He was so weak. Weak when it came to the big brown eyes and his pretty smile, his natural gestures and touches. He envied it because for him it still was something extraordinary, special, unique. Hyungwon was unique. He wanted to say something but words could never explain what he thought, so he kissed and touched instead, hoping that it was enough for the black-haired man to understand how he felt.

A soft gasp left the pump mouth as soon a their lips touched. Hyungwon was kissing back vigorously and grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling at it to tilt his head backwards.

“I was screaming your name, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered and left his lips to bite into his neck and run his teeth along his jugular. Hoseok didn't even realise how the black-haired man pulled his thighs apart and kneeled in between, one palm slowly pressing him down to the cold tiles. “How can it be any better than that?”

“It can always be better, that's why the word perfect exists,” he murmured, hissing at the touch. It felt so fucking intense, his body tingled and he was scared of what would happen if he hadn't worn clothes. “But you looked attractive, bending your body so beautifully while I… Oh god.” Hoseok suddenly remembered putting his fingers into his friend's butt.

“It felt really good, I can only imagine how your dick would feel inside me,” Hyungwon whispered and licked over his collarbones, nibbling on the sensitive skin while the black-haired man slowly slipped lower. Using his hands to lift his shirt out of his pants, the other man's pump lips began to cover his naked chest in kisses and bites. Hyungwon was steadily moving lower, hand stroking over his clothed thigh.

“My dick? But why would I…oh… oh my god, Hyungwon, you… are insane. ” His body was burning from the feeling of the other man's lips against his skin. He enjoyed it so much that a moan passed his lips, and his legs spread automatically. “This is unfair, you are so attractive.”

“You're just as attractive,” the dancer commented with a chuckle and dipped his tongue into his navel before exhaling against his groin. Hoseok had been barely aware of the fabric covering his legs until it suddenly disappeared, slipping down his hips as long fingers pulled it off. “Let me have a proper taste of you.”

_ A taste?  _

Staring between his legs, Hoseok returned moisture to his lips and watched the black-haired man smile from under his bangs. Fuck.

Curling his fingers around his penis, the dancer smiled and placed a kiss on the tip while stroking it slowly. Hoseok couldn't tell what Hyungwon was doing, but it felt amazing as the other man's tongue played with it.

“You're killing me,” he whispered and moaned right after, unable to hold it back. Throwing back his head, he felt a bit of pain travel down his spine after hitting the tiles, but it disappeared quickly and was replaced by intense pleasure, something he had never felt before.

“No, I'm not,” Hyungwon murmured before burning heat enveloped his groin, sending an unfamiliar wave of pleasure that stole his breath away, only to release it in a loud moan. Hoseok couldn't tell what the black-haired man was doing, but he didn't want it to stop. 

Letting out embarrassing noises, he couldn't help the way the heat travelled further, making his hips thrust in the air to feel more of the sensations at once. His hand searched for Hyungwon, only finding his soft hair and grabbing a fistful. Hoseok didn't know whether he pulled it or pushed against the other man's head, but his whole body was shaking, a hot wave of fire approaching until it arrived, exploding right inside his groin as he came, trembling and whimpering from the impact.

“You… Hyungwon, oh my god, I- fuck,” Hoseok moaned as the black-haired man looked up and let his dick slip out of his mouth.

_ He had your dick in his mouth. _

Hoseok was stupid, he really was, stupid and embarrassing, but he pulled the handsome dancer up and curled his arms around him as tightly as he could, burying his face in the crook of his delicious neck.

“I like you, I like you so so much, I'm sorry for not being good enough and for taking such a long time to learn how to do the things you like, but I want to try, I like you, really.” 

_ This is so embarrassing. _

Was it appropriate to hug with his dick out, after running away from his dad and putting his fingers into his friend's butt, getting cum on his face and orgasming inside his friend's mouth? He didn't know, but his chest felt like he couldn't let go of Hyungwon. Not now.

“You're perfect, Hoseok,” the black-haired man replied softly and hugged him as tightly as he could while remaining stark naked. “I don't think I need more than this. I'm happy.”

“Thank you for being my feelings friend. You keep asking me whether you did something terrible or whether I hate you, I don't, I really like you.” His lips attached to the other man's delicious neck and he inhaled his scent, basking in it for as long as he could. 

“I like you too!” Hyungwon exclaimed loudly and lifted his head. “Lots! So much that it feels like it doesn't fit into my chest." 

_

 

His dorm room seemed so empty when he returned from Hyungwon’s place where they hugged before the black-haired dancer had fallen asleep, burying his round nose in the crook of his neck. It had felt so nice that Hoseok still remembered the warmth that tickled his skin each time his beautiful friend exhaled.

_ He slept naked on top of you. _

The memory of how Hyungwon felt on top of him sent a shiver down his spine, tingling in his lower stomach and spreading his lips in a smile.

“Why are you smiling? Are you stupid?” Kihyun asked, sitting on top of his bed with his short legs crossed and arms in front of his chest. He looked dissatisfied.

Sighing, he prepared for a lecture and the details about how his father planned on ruining his life in the most beneficial way for his education.

“I spaced out. What did he say?” Hoseok asked and sat next to his best friend, leaning against the wall to relax enough for what he was about to hear. “Does he want to send me to Australia again?”

“What? No. Actually… it’s kind of weird, because he said the performance was very extraordinary, but apparently not crazy enough for him to do something. It’s rather… the fact that you fucked off with Hyungwon that made him angry. I asked him whether there was something he doesn’t like about him, and he said no. Telling me how Hyungwon is a talented dancer. It seemed as if he was super disturbed by you hanging around with him. Maybe he heard the stories, but I don’t understand why he would be concerned because I told him that you don’t like men back then.” Shrugging, Kihyun rolled his eyes.

_ Back then? _

“What do you mean back then? Why would you talk to him about who I like? Also why would he be disturbed by me hanging around with Hyungwon? He’s not disturbed that I hang around with you. I don’t understand him. He’s so weird.” The current situation seemed even stranger than he had anticipated, there was no anger, just confusion.

“Ah… well, there was a talk we had when I had to share a room with you. He told me to forget about seducing you because he heard that I was gay, so I had to explain to him that I don’t jump dick as soon as I see one and that you’re just a friend.”

_ But you touch Hyungwon, even though he’s your friend. _

Biting down on his bottom lip, Hoseok felt uncomfortable all of a sudden until finally realizing why. It was because his father assumed that Kihyun was someone who did weird things, only because he liked men.

“I’m sorry that you had to listen to that. Why didn’t you tell me? On the other hand I probably wouldn’t have known what to do about it anyway. But… coming back to this friend thing. Hyungwon and me… we are friends, but a special kind of friends, he calls it feelings friends and I like him a lot and I really don’t want to be like those other dudes in the club he gets close with, but I still want to… to touch him and I did… weird things yesterday, but he liked them and I kind of liked it too besides being bad at it and not knowing what to do. He is so beautiful, Kihyun, he also told me that he doesn’t need anything besides for me to be happy and it made my insides tingle and I’m sure that I haven’t been in a friendship like this before. It’s intense and beautiful and butterflies in my lower stomach and I don’t even need the cello to make him understand, just my lips and my hands and as long as we don’t talk everything is clear. Did you ever have a friend like that?” Hoseok turned to his best friend after finishing his elaborate monologue complete with expressive hand gestures. Kihyun stared at him with a blank expression on his face, before isolating his index finger and poking into his chest painfully.

“You-” he started, eyes narrowing and lip corner lifting in a smirk. “You are gay, Hoseok. Screw all those pretty words. You’re just gay. He must be your type, which is relatable, he’s handsome and tall and all pretty boy style. Just embrace it.” 

_ What? _

His eyes widened and he gasped, curling his fingers around Kihyun’s wrist and squeezing, tight enough to hurt.

“What? What the fuck, Kihyun? What do you mean I’m gay? I’m not gay!!!” Pushing away the other man’s veiny hand, he jumped up from the bed and threw his hands in the air. “You are fucking ridiculous, why would I be gay? I don’t like dudes and I don’t like all the stuff you always talk about and I just like you as a friend, I’m not gay.” 

“Not only are you gay, you’re also fucking dumb, Hoseok. A dumb gay. I told you, being gay doesn’t mean that you jump dick as soon as you see one. In your case it would probably be a tight ass, considering Hyungwon’s preferences. He’s your type, you want him. Everything’s nice, you’re gay, just embrace it but spare me this feelings friends bullshit Hyungwon got you hooked on. What did you do with him? What weird stuff? Did you blow him? Finger him? Fuck him? What was it? You enjoyed it, you liked it. He’s anything but feminine, considering your lack of interest in the female sex you’re definitely gay. Probably even more gay than I am. Accept it and move on. Instead of being busy with your stories about feelings and friendship you should think about how you’re going to explain to your dad that it’s not a bad thing that you’re hanging around with Hyungwon. Get your priorities straight, he said he wanted to talk to you.” 

His best friend’s monologue resulted in a headache that didn’t leave and the urge to hit his head against the wall or to crawl under his blanket and never come out. He didn’t even want to play cello because he was afraid of what he might play.

_ Why is he doing this to you? _

“Do you hate me that much? Why don’t you tell me that I’m impaired or mentally ill?” he asked, holding onto his head and praying for the pain to leave as soon as possible.

“The only reason I'm not punching you in your handsome face is the fact that you’re a dumb gay who only knows music because you’re a fucking fool. Also, stop this assholish behaviour, I was concerned about you and now I’m starting to get concerned about Hyungwon. Does he know that you think being gay is like having a mental health issue? It’s a sexuality you douche, and mental health issues are something else which is not for you to talk about because you have no idea what that means. Just shut the fuck up and embrace the fact that you have the hots for Hyungwon, fuck once or whatever and calm down please. This is stressful for me. And now excuse me while I go to my room and put a huge vibrator into my ass because I can.” Narrowing his gaze, Kihyun stuck out his tongue and disappeared behind the door.

_ Oh god. _

Hoseok had no real thoughts, just a mess of emotions and a feeling similar to jumping down from a really high wall as a kid, scared to bruise his knees. What if Kihyun was right? What if he was a dumb gay? His worldview didn’t fit to all the things his best friend said.

_ You are just feelings friends with him. Only friends. _

_

 

His feelings still played a game with him. A hide and seek game. He knew they were there, but didn’t know where they hid and what they looked like. Pulling his black jeans over his still wet legs because he didn’t dry himself properly after showering, Hoseok ruffled up his hair and left his dorm after a brief look into the mirror, making sure that he looked acceptable.

_ Do you want to look good for him? Not the usual kind of good, but the extraordinary type of good. A type he might consider attractive and you usually wouldn't? _

The jeans were ripped all over his thighs, showing so much skin that he had stared at the piece of clothing for an hour before deciding to wear it. He might be hooked. Might be.

The route was familiar by now, just two streets to cross and only passing by a few students as most of them had gone home by this late on a Friday evening. He had written a few messages to Hyungwon, but the other man hadn’t answered. So he collected his courage to visit him, just as he had promised when they lay together under the blanket, gently touching and whispering into each other’s ears because of the proximity. It had felt so magical, like they could create their own fairytale, a castle only inhabited by them, protected by the blanket and harboring all the warmth in the world.

_ You want to see him so badly. _

Jumping up a few times and walking faster, Hoseok saw a couple moving towards the same entrance as he was. The way they walked was weird, they stopped to kiss and moved along the wall, making out like crazy and making weird sounds. He tried not to look, but still did. Coming closer, he suddenly had trouble breathing as his lungs constricted, rejecting oxygen and he stopped, simply watching what was happening in front of his eyes.

The couple was all over each other, making out against the dorm wall without bothering to step through the door, caressing each other’s bodies and kissing furiously. Suddenly the slimmer man jumped up and he could see familiar, slim legs wrap around another man’s hips, broad and muscular, similar to the way he looked. A gasp that he had heard countless times followed next and Hoseok observed how the beautiful man threw his head back, enjoying the way he was pressed into the wall and got his neck kissed. Plump lips, long fingers that tugged at hair, a round nose and moans that were like music.

His brain knew, it did, recognizing the sounds, the visuals, but it seemed hesitant to accept what he was seeing.

_ It’s him, Hoseok. _

His stomach was next, contracting and forcing a wave of nausea over him. It was a similar feeling to those times when he was younger, when he didn’t know whether his playing was good enough, whether his father would be satisfied, thinking about which kind of expression he would get after his performance, an oddly satisfied, or a deeply disappointed one. This time he was the one watching. Watching how someone’s hands stroked over Hyungwon’s delicate spine, not giving it enough attention, not the amount it deserved for being curved so beautifully, like an elegant instrument, a wooden cello, a dark, gorgeous mirrored ‘s’. Instead the rough hands immediately grabbed the dancer’s round behind, sinking the thick fingers into the delicate flesh. God, he hated it so much that it hurt in every cell of his body.

Instead of looking hurt, Hyungwon only moaned and bit into the other man’s shoulder, allowing him to manhandle him like a rag doll. Hands continued along the dancer’s slim thighs and grabbed them forcefully before pulling away from the wall and moving in the direction of the entrance, still kissing and moaning excessively.

He wished there was a wall to hold on to, but he simply stood in the middle of the street, staring at the entrance where the two men disappeared. His legs felt shaky and not like his own, his lungs throbbed in a pain he hadn’t felt before and his eyes were burning while he kept staring at the door, hoping a sign would appear that it had all been a dream. It wasn’t. Hoseok let go of his muscle tension and sunk to the ground, feeling the warm tears stream down his face so fast that he wondered whether he wasn’t dreaming. He hadn’t cried since he was twelve.

_ You cried because you couldn’t play Adagio. Now you can, but you still cry. _

Hoseok didn’t know how much time passed, but his phone vibrated in his pocket and he concentrated on the feeling against his skin, before he finally felt ready to pick up.

“Hoseok? It’s Dad. I thought you would call me,” the low, emotionless voice echoed in his ears and he stared at a single grass stalk in front of him.

“I was busy,” he whispered, numbing feeling spreading in his chest after crying his eyes out. “Dad?” he asked, voice quiet, but not a whisper anymore.

“Yes?” his father asked, voice quiet and silence spreading after the question. He swallowed and resisted blinking, still watching the stupid grass stalk.

“I want to go abroad.”


	11. 11

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Ceilings were amazing. There was absolutely nothing on them, only white patches that transitioned into another bunch of white patches. There wasn’t even anything particular that Hyungwon could have focused on and considered a detail that was of interest. There were only patches and he couldn’t really differentiate one patch from another because, first of all, he was short-sighted and without contact lenses there was only a blotch of white, and secondly, it wasn’t the rough type of texture that consisted of small dots that protruded and were visible. Back at his parents’ place there had been the protruding type of tapestry and it had been horrible cause he hadn’t been able to calm down while staring at it, switching from one small bud to the next. Like nipples, it had been a nipple wall.

_ Only that you can neither touch them nor do they feel good when you finally can. _

Giggling to himself, Hyungwon rolled to the side and wiggled his legs, making the movements particularly big. He felt relaxed and pleasantly sore, the way he felt after an extensive night of sex without having to sit on a doorstep. He rarely brought anybody home and preferred to go along with them to not disturb Nunu, but it was difficult to disturb his best friend when he was never home. There was a whole love story going on after all, with all the elements that Hyungwon knew from movies. Nunu only talked about his current love interest, bought more chicken than usual and constantly disappeared for a meet up with a shy smile. The internet and movies said that friends get abandoned when there is a love interest, but Hyungwon still hated it. He couldn’t imagine how it happened. Was the brain suddenly unable to focus on anything else? Turning in circles around the same letters, the same features, the same person?

_ Maybe how you always think about Hoseok? _

He did, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t able to see Nunu or didn’t have enough time for him. There were so many practices and the lunch breaks were meant to be theirs, but the whole routine had been ruined by his friend’s finals preparations and the meet-ups with Kihyun. That was probably the only reason he had gone clubbing, yearning for distraction and a pleasant throbbing in his body that didn’t need anything else. The guy, who’s name he forgot had lied though, telling him he was never going to feel that good again. Hyungwon really didn’t understand why people said things like that, especially when it was obviously wrong. He had to reposition his hips a lot, but coming had been worth it in the end. But it was nicer when he didn’t need to focus so much.

_ Like Hoseok, he asked you so many questions to make it perfect. _

Instead of dressing which he hated anyway, he grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around his naked body, dancing around with it because he felt like a cupcake. The blanket even had the color of pretty baby blue frosting, like Hoseok’s pullover in combination with his beautiful blonde hair. It would have been so nice if Hyungwon could have had him there at all times, live in his dorm room and talk to him, hug him back, play cello for him, play with his fingers awkwardly while smiling that beautiful genuine smile of his. Sighing like in a Disney movie, he tried out falling to the side dramatically like they always did while thinking of a pretty prince. Landing on the ground, he was pretty disappointed in the experience. It only hurt his shoulder and didn’t make him feel princess-like either. Pouting in disappointment, he stood up again, ready to dance something else until he suddenly heard a loud knock on his dorm room door. It sounded like the guy two doors down that called him a faggot and yelled at him to moan somewhere else. 

The dude was scary, especially without Nunu around, so Hyungwon was careful in his approach towards the wooden door, fingers barely grazing it in contemplation. But doors had to be opened, one couldn’t just pretend that one wasn’t home, that was lying. Holding a big gulp of air in his lungs, he ripped the door open, eyes squeezing shut in case something terrible was about the happen. His other hand was holding onto the thick blanket tightly, covering his body.

“Can I come in?” Kihyun’s low voice murmured instead of the scary guy who usually just yelled.

Opening his eyes wide, Hyungwon was positively surprised by the sight of Kihyun in front of his dorm room. It was really Hoseok's friend and not a hallucination. He hadn't expected the visit, but it still made him happy, so he stepped forward, opened his blanket dress and wrapped Kihyun in it as well, squishing the other man. The clothes felt a little cold against his naked skin, probably because of the weather outside.

“Thank you for coming! I was so lonely because Nunu is with you all this time.”

Sighing, the short man closed his eyes and waited for a few seconds before stepping back and slipping past him into the room.

“You seem awful happy for what’s going on right now. I guess you don’t care, but I do,” Kihyun whispered and let himself fall onto his bed.

_ Something is going on?  _

Tilting his head to the side, Hyungwon wrapped his blanket around his naked body again and sat down on top of the other man's thighs, leaning in to see him better. He was basically blind and coming closer helped him to identify that it was indeed Kihyun, short with an elongated eye shape and cute lips. Unfortunately the knowledge didn't help him at all, especially when it came to emotions.

_ He's not happy, is he?  _

“I don't understand your words, please explain.”

“You’re handsome and hot, now can you please sit next to me and not on top of me? I’m literally in love with your friend,” the black-haired man hissed and simply pushed him down from his lap. “I understand that you don’t give a single shit about Hoseok, but I do and he’s going to leave and I can’t get through to him, nothing is working, and I can’t help thinking that it has something to do with you. Did you fight?”

At first Hyungwon felt cheerful and just about ready to tell Kihyun that Nunu loved him too and went through all of the steps that were written in his ‘falling in love’ book for primary school kids, but as soon as Kihyun spoke of Hoseok leaving and it being his fault, something terrible happened inside his body. It felt like somebody had pulled a plug and everything that had been inside his chest before was suddenly sucked out and only a vacuum remained, painful and pressing against his ribcage.

“He- he wants to leave?” he forced out and didn't even bother to get up from the floor, eyes wide and blanket pooling at his lap. His voice sounded like plastic that was pressed through a meat grinder. “Because- because of me? But- but why? He was so happy when he left after staying over and so was I! I was all giggly and smelled the pillow. Now it doesn't smell like him anymore.”

“Stayed over? Didn’t he visit you yesterday? That’s where he was heading before I met Nunu for dinner. He didn’t stay over though. Right now he’s packing because he’s flying to Paris for a fucking year. This is not funny and I came here because I thought it was my fault at first, but it can’t be, he simply doesn’t react and is like a numb tree, it’s super scary. I thought I would ask you because you must’ve seen him last.” Kihyun lifted both hands to his face and rubbed over it.

_ Paris? That's far, you can't walk that far and neither can anybody piggyback you. _

“But- I didn't see him! He didn't come here, there was only me and that person I don't know the name of.” Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon tried to understand if his memory played a trick on him, but he couldn't have forgotten Hoseok. Never. “I’d know if I met Hoseok, he's the owner of the glass! I like him the most.”

_ But why does he want to leave? Did he visit and you weren't there?  _

Hyungwon wanted to cry again, feeling terrible for missing the one time the blonde man willingly came to see him for something unrelated to the performance. He could have been with Hoseok, but instead he had compensated for Nunu’s absence.

“That person you don’t know the name of? What the fuck are you even talking about? This is serious, Hyungwon. He’s going to leave and I won’t see him for a year because he will only play cello and do nothing else, just like he did before I met him, you don’t understand what that means! I need to know how I’m supposed to stop him, fuck.” Throwing his head back, Kihyun groaned loudly and hit the sheets, as if they did something wrong.

The other man was right, Hyungwon didn't understand what that meant, he didn't understand a single thing. What did people do when another person wanted to leave? He didn't have a sheet on that, only his ability to wrap around the people that mattered to him and never let go. But Hoseok couldn't go through airport security with his body attached, it was illegal. But what if he took a train? Hyungwon didn't want him to leave, the thought-

He teared up in a matter of seconds, thick drops running down his cheeks and sobs echoing off the walls.

“I don't want him to leave, please don't let him leave. Oh no, what am I supposed to do? He must be so disappointed that I wasn't there and now he hates me even though he said he likes me. I like him so much, I can't be without him anymore, I'll just die.”

“First of all, stop crying. Secondly, we need to understand what happened for him to tell his dad that he wants to leave. First I thought it was because I told him he was a dumb gay, but I don’t think so, I’ve said worse things before. He was okay and excited when he picked out clothes, staring at those stupid jeans for hours before he decided to wear them. You say you didn’t meet. Why was he devastated enough to let his dad book a flight to Paris before finishing his exams? It’s ridiculous. Something must’ve happened. Shit, Hyungwon, I don’t fucking know, I just don’t want him to leave, I hate this. I was almost crying and he was like ‘you will be fine, because you have Hyunwoo and he will take care of you, you will forget me and so will Hyungwon if he hasn’t already’. Like a crazy person.” Kihyun shook his head, exhaling roughly.

Hyungwon's head hurt from all the words and the images inside his head. Hoseok had been terrified of leaving, that was the reason for hiding in his room and sleeping over. There was no way to change opinion that quickly, Hyungwon couldn't have done that, not even with good reasons. Also the jeans, why would Hoseok stare at jeans before meeting him? It must have been like in those movies, picking out pretty dresses to go on a date. Maybe Hoseok had thought that they were going on a date, came to his dorm room, but Hyungwon wasn't there, so he felt devastated and assumed that Hyungwon didn't care anymore because he wasn't there.

_ But it doesn't add up, there is no movie like that. Not being there doesn't mean people don't care. _

Hyungwon must have said or done something for that kind of reaction, like that time a girl slapped him because he kissed her boyfriend on the cheek. He hadn't known, so he simply acted the way he always did. There was nothing upsetting about what he had done. He went to the club, found a man who wanted to be inside of him, took him home, invested too much effort into feeling good and fell asleep. Nothing screamed ‘hurtful’ at him.

_ But he got hurt when a guy grabbed you at the club. He ran out back then, looking so devastated. _

Hoseok had said that he couldn't bear seeing him like that back then, being treated like that.

_ The guy kissed you, in front of the dorm, pushing you against the wall and being a little too rough. _

“Oh no, he must have seen. He got so hurt last time. That must be it. Oh no, I'm terrible. Oh no-” Hyungwon whimpered and buried his face in Kihyun’s thigh, choking on his own tears and the knowledge that he must have put that expression on Hoseok's face again. The blonde man had seen the guy treat him badly and had gotten upset, enough to want to leave the country. The country and him.

“What… did he see?” Kihyun asked, stroking over his head, probably automatically. 

“How the guy treated me badly, acting rough with me. He said he hates it. But I didn't know he was there, I was so sad because Nunu was gone, so I didn't think anything. He- he's going to leave me now.” Wailing loudly he barely got the words out, terrified of the sensation in his chest. He didn't want to exist if it was with that feeling in his body.

“Fuck. Did he watch you getting it on? Really? Fuck, Hyungwon, don't you like him? Why didn't you tell him that it was a one time thing with him? He was so fucking confused, talking about feelings and whatnot. Shit, I need to go back, he'll leave, fuck my life.” Bolting off the bed, Kihyun moved towards the door.

“Of course I like him!” Hyungwon exclaimed as tears still ran down his face. He attempted to stand up and stumbled over the blanket that lay on the floor. He had to go too, to attach to Hoseok's leg and beg for him not to leave. There was nothing else he could do. In movies they cried at the airport and screamed stop, but he didn't want Hoseok to arrive at the airport.

_ You need him in your arms. _

“I like him more than anybody else,” he sobbed and sank to the ground in front of Kihyun, holding onto the other man's jeans. He was naked but it didn't matter, not when Hoseok was about to leave him.

“What's going on?” a low voice murmured behind them, low and familiar. Nunu was right at the door, key in his hand and eyes unusually wide. His best friend didn't move and only stared.

“Hoseok is trying to run away from something he saw and I wanted to get a picture of what I am dealing with. See you around, Nunu.” Kihyun smiled at his best friend. It looked genuine and beautiful. “Sorry, Hyungwon, he's more important,” the short man murmured and attempted to slip past Nunu.

Hyungwon had never seen so much conflict on his best friend’s face as Nunu’s eyes switched from him crying on the floor to Kihyun and the broad arms simply wrapped around Kihyun’s waist, holding him back before a hesitant kiss was placed on the black-haired man's nape.

_ He likes Kihyun more than you, but Kihyun doesn't know how much you like Hoseok. He can't even imagine. _

“Please don't leave yet. I just saw you. I'm sure Hyungwon is also devastated because Hoseok wants to leave. Can't he help somehow? They are close after all,” Nunu spoke calmly, but didn't look in his direction anymore.

“I don't know. I know nothing. I thought being a friend was enough of a reason not to leave, but apparently genius musicians have their own values. Fuck.” Hyungwon could see how Kihyun relaxed in his best friend's arms, leaning back against his shoulder and cursing silently. “I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.”

“Figure out what upset him and clear up the misunderstanding. I'm sure there is one, there always is. Hyungwon, he-” This time Nunu glanced at him and smiled softly, nodding once. “He thinks very differently, so it needs a lot of explaining and getting used to. Maybe I can help and then the two of you can talk to Hoseok? Hyungwon also needs to understand what he did wrong to do better. We all do, don't we?”

“It's not about doing something wrong. It's because he was expecting a certain outcome. He told me before that he tried to stay away because he had too many expectations that would be disappointed. It was probably the last straw that hurt. My main problem is that he won't listen. He's scary, Nunu. He has this ‘I'm dead on the inside’ thing going on if he is hurt. Do you think I haven't tried talking to him? I hate this.” Turning around, Kihyun slapped his best friend’s muscular chest roughly but hugged him right after. 

“It's my fault,” Hyungwon whispered and rubbed his hand over his puffy eyes. “He hates seeing me being treated roughly. I should talk to him, I'll promise that I won't do it anymore. I can promise anything, as long as he doesn't leave me, please.” His shoulders shook from the effort of crying and his eyes focused on Nunu again. He looked apologetic while holding Kihyun tightly and stroking over his head. Hyungwon had never felt that he wasn't first priority for his friend anymore as strongly as at that moment.

“Let's go then, there isn't much time. You have to get dressed, Hyungwon,” Kihyun murmured and distanced himself from Nunu, walking over and pulling him up by a grip on his wrist. He was way stronger than he looked.

“Okay,” he whispered, but didn't know what to do with himself. His vision was blurry without his contact lenses and he couldn't form a single coherent thought. He only registered random words and a vague pulling at his wrist until a warm hand lifted his foot and placed it into the leg of a pair of jeans. He could do that.

Nunu was efficient, pulling the pants over his legs, closing the zipper and the button and squeezing his head through the opening of a t-shirt. His feet were last, dressed in socks and wrapped in sneakers.

“He’s ready,” his best friend commented and stroked over his hair again. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok, he needed him so much. There was nobody else that cared as much and Hyungwon couldn't think about anybody else.

“Let's go, but… prepare yourself. He's like an emotionless tree. At least he acts like it and he seems to be a good actor.” Nodding to support his words, Kihyun turned to Nunu. “You're so supportive, makes me want to kiss you senseless.”

“That'd be nice,” his best friend replied quietly and gestured for them to go. However, neither of them did. Hesitating briefly, Nunu leaned in and placed a kiss on Kihyun’s small mouth, making the impossible work. It felt strange to watch, like it was more intimate than usual even though Hyungwon didn't care about such things. He only wanted to see Hoseok. Kihyun melted at the touch, sinking his fingers into Nunu’s biceps before letting go reluctantly.

“You better give your best,” the short man murmured in his direction as they left the room.

Hyungwon mostly stared at his feet, putting one in front of the other to not lose balance and fall to the ground. He doubted that he'd get anywhere once he touched the floor.

_ You'd curl up and cry. _

“But why… doesn't he talk to me? What if- what if he had left for France, just like that? I would have never known because I'm too dumb to communicate. I can only sit and wait.” He glanced towards Kihyun to be polite, observing the other man's small mouth.

“Well, it varies depending on how one deals with pain, I guess. I am someone who confronts it immediately, Hoseok is someone who swallows it, lets it grow bigger until it eats him from the inside. That’s why he didn’t say anything. He probably doesn’t even know why he was so hurt in the first place. He prefers to numb himself and leave.” Kihyun sighed and turned to him, looking rather devastated.

_ You cry and shake when it gets too much, but he keeps all those terrible feelings inside. _

“Why- why was he hurt?” Hyungwon tried next. He contemplated taking Kihyun’s hand, but actually he only wanted to hold Hoseok's hand, firmly while their fingers intertwined. It was a little strange considering how much he needed bodily contact to calm down.

“Uhm… didn’t you tell me that you made out with some dude in front of his eyes? You probably don’t care, but he does. He has no experience in being close to anybody and I bet that he considered the stuff you did super meaningful. If I saw Nunu do stuff like that I’d want to kill him.” Hoseok’s friend smiled, but it looked scary.

Hyungwon's bottom lip trembled at the accusation that he didn't care. He did, a lot. Hoseok was the most important person.

“I care,” he whispered and swallowed, struggling to explain his thoughts. “It's meaningful to me too. That's why we are feelings friends, nobody else can make me feel so much. Have you seen his smile? It's like a daylight lamp, brighter than the sun. It takes my breath away and makes me want to live attached to him. I'm- I'm sorry, I can't express my thoughts well.”

“I think the problem is precisely this. The fact that you’re calling it ‘feelings friends’. He thinks it’s something special and gets hurt. I don’t like you hurting him, but I knew it would happen, so I told him to stay away from you because he’s not a snack. He’s a stubborn idiot though and doesn’t listen and now I have to deal with him losing his shit and going to France. Why can’t we all live in peace, seriously,” Kihyun murmured as they arrived at the familiar door and he pulled out his key to open it. 

“But it is special!” Hyungwon yelled suddenly and stepped towards the wall, pressing his forehead against it to have something to focus on that wasn't Kihyun suggesting he considered people snacks and made Hoseok fear being close to him. They weren't snacks, there was no such thing. Pleasure was meaningless, but safety wasn't. Hyungwon didn't feel safe with anybody else, calm and taken care of, able to relax without focusing on the other person and losing his ability to socialise. That's how he felt with Hoseok.

“Words mean nothing, Hyungwon, but behavior does.” The lock gave in and the door opened with a loud screeching noise.

“But I'm only like that with him,” he mumbled and let his right hand stroke along the wall, it had knobs. Hyungwon hated knobs so much. Inhaling to suck in strength, he pushed away from the white tapestry and turned towards the dorm room. A brief glance revealed a perfectly empty room, the way they looked in apartment advertisements. There were no notes on the desk, no clothes hanging over the chair and no blue cello case that usually occupied the space next to the bed.

“Fuck,” Kihyun whispered, hand falling to his side and pushing the door against the wall. There was a dull sound of it hitting the surface before he heard the other man’s low whisper. 

“He’s gone.”

Hyungwon stared at the empty space, at the brown floors, the provided furniture that lost all of its personal touch, at the shoe marks right next to the bed, at the windows that were shut tightly instead of being ajar, the way Hoseok kept them. There was nothing that spoke of the blonde man left in the space in front of him, nothing at all. Not even the air smelled like him.

_ He’s gone. _

It felt like he was in a parallel universe, one in which plans weren’t fulfilled. In all of the movies Hyungwon had watched and novels he had read, the protagonist had come on time, be it to stop them from leaving, or even at the airport, keeping them from entering the plane or passing through security. All of it worked out, each and every time. Why didn’t it work out for him?

_ Because real life cannot be planned. They told you countless times, Hyungwon. _

Sinking to the ground, he let his hands run over the wood, attempting to find something that remained, a scratch, a pen, anything. Something that he could have felt and used to remain sane while considering everything else a dream. Hoseok couldn’t have left just like that. Not without saying goodbye or telling him. They were feelings friends, weren’t they? Was what he had done bad enough to erase him from Hoseok’s life altogether?

There was nothing, not even a scratch or an uneven spot on the floor. Even Hyungwon’s room had a few burn marks from back when people were allowed to smoke in their dorm. Hoseok’s room had nothing, it wasn’t even Hoseok’s anymore.

“I won’t leave,” he whispered and lay down on the floor, ear pressed flat against the cold surface and knees pulled up to his chest. It was cold and lonely and there was nothing to stop it this time. Even if he yelled the other man’s name Hoseok wasn’t going to come and save him.

_ If he ever comes back he will come back here. You have to stay and wait until he returns. _

“Hyungwon, what are you doing? You can’t just lie there, get up,” Kihyun murmured and he felt a strong grip on his wrist attempting to lift him from the floor. “He’s probably on his way to the airport. There’s nothing we can do right now. We need to think, come on, stand up.”

Hyungwon couldn’t think, not when Hoseok was gone and there was nothing to be done. He didn’t even know how to get to the airport, let alone find anybody there. He wasn’t even able to see when there was a construction site in front of his house.

“I won’t leave,” he repeated again, remaining in his curled up position with his forehead pressed against his knees. His eyes were squeezed shut because if he couldn’t see the empty room he could still pretend that it wasn’t empty. Maybe Hoseok was going to sigh any second, ask him why he was curled up on the floor and begin playing a beautiful piece to make him get up again and meet his gaze. It was only a matter of time, right?

“What… are you doing? Nothing will happen if you lie on the floor, don’t be weird and stand up. Hoseok left and won’t come back anytime soon. Let’s hope he won’t stay there for the whole year without coming back.” Groaning loudly, Kihyun pulled with more strength, shaking him.

“I’ll wait until he comes back,” Hyungwon muttered and whimpered at the pull. He didn’t want to be pulled, he wanted to space out until he heard Hoseok’s voice. It didn’t matter how long it was going to take. “I’m staying here. What if he starts playing cello and I'm not here? I have to be here.”

“What? Hyungwon, are you okay? He’s gone, he won’t play cello. Not here. He will play cello in Paris until he passes out because he can’t fucking deal with anything besides music, that’s why he’s such a weirdo, but it seems as if you two found each other. And now stand up, you’re scaring me.” Kihyun grabbed his upper body and lifted him up, throwing him over his shoulder. He had no idea how such a small man was blessed with so much strength. “I think I need to call Nunu. At least lie on the bed,” the low voice murmured before he flew and landed on top of the hard mattress.

Hyungwon didn’t care where he was, but the bed he was on smelled more like Hoseok. The bare mattress had more of the blonde man’s essence than anywhere else in the empty room, so he pressed his nose into the fabric and attempted to breathe nothing but Hoseok’s scent. It calmed him down a little and his muscles relaxed, enough to realize he had been flexing them with so much strength that they hurt now. He didn’t reply to Kihyun’s words and buried his nails in the mattress, scratching over it with all five fingers at once.

There was shuffling before he heard Kihyun’s voice again, saying something about him being weird and Hoseok being in Paris and asking to come over as soon as possible. A few moments passed as the mattress gave out, making him roll to the side.

“Why are you like this? I thought you didn't care much. I thought you just used him as a distraction because he’s hot and his face is handsome,” the low voice whispered next to him.

Hyungwon struggled to make sense of the words, still rubbing his nose over the cold mattress. It smelled like Hoseok, but it didn’t have the same temperature and it wasn’t as soft either. The bed being cold meant that Hoseok hadn’t been there for a long time, but that also meant that more time passed and there was less time left until Hyungwon wasn’t alone anymore. His brain refused to believe that the blonde man wasn’t going to return. Hoseok had to, he had said that he liked him a lot.

_ Did he lie to you? You wouldn’t be able to tell. He had tried to stay away from you earlier. Maybe now you hurt him enough to leave forever. _

“He’s my only feelings friend,” Hyungwon whispered and couldn’t hold back the tears, sobbing softly while liquid ran down his nose bridge and soaked the mattress.

“There's no such thing as a feelings friend, Hyungwon. Either you like him or you don't. This whole thing was super confusing to him, you should've told him that you like him, that he's more than just a friend. Why would you invent some confusing stuff to not commit? I… please don't cry, I didn't know that you liked him so much.” He felt a warm palm on his head, stroking over his hair carefully.

“But I told him, I told him he's more than just a friend. He's a feelings friend because our feelings are mutual,” Hyungwon forced out and sobbed even louder. There was nobody that he liked as much as the blonde man. “He's my favourite person.”

“Why would you make out with some dude if he's your favourite person, Hyungwon? Who the fuck does that?!” Kihyun exclaimed and pushed him a little, pressing him further into the mattress.

“I was lonely and pleasure doesn’t mean anything,” he muttered, whimpering at the sudden aggression. He wanted to be alone, surrounded by nothing, not hear anything, not see anything and especially not feel anything. “I had to fill the empty space with something, but it’s meaningless. If he doesn’t want me to be close to others then I won’t, but I didn’t know.” Again he sobbed, devastated that it must have been a misunderstanding again. Hoseok hadn’t told him anything, the blonde man had only mentioned that he disliked seeing him be mistreated. Hyungwon could have avoided that by not having Hoseok around when that happened.

“It’s meaningless to you, but it’s not meaningless to him. He’s super sensitive and has no idea about those things. You were close, so he thought it was special. Why do you act as if you don’t know? If I like someone and this someone wants to fill his loneliness, by filling someone’s ass, I would consider that to mean I’m not very good company then. Do you understand? If Nunu told me that he fucks around because he’s lonely, I’d smash him.” Kihyun sounded scary, but stopped shaking him. “I was sure that Hoseok was an idiot, but it seems as if you’re an idiot too.”

“But- I don’t know how to tell Hoseok that I need him close. I only have Nunu and Hoseok. Nunu wasn’t there and he’s a friend, so it’s not the same. I felt like I was going crazy by myself, so I just did the only thing that I know to be close to somebody, I went to the club. I don’t know what else I can do to make the feeling stop. I sat in front of Hoseok’s door before, but he wasn’t there and I got scared when somebody I didn’t know walked around the corner. I don’t know anything, Kihyun. Nunu explains things to me, but he is always with you now.” Rubbing his wet face over the mattress, Hyungwon tried to get rid of the burning in his eyes and the gaping hole in his chest. He wanted Hoseok around, to wrap himself around the blonde man and remain attached until he was able to explain himself. Hoseok hadn’t even listened, he just left. “I even have a piece of paper that proves that I can’t do these things.”

“You have a piece of paper that proves that you can be an asshole? Amazing, I want a paper like that too,” Kihyun murmured and got up to open the door.

“I’m not an asshole, I’m really not,” Hyungwon mumbled and only cried harder. This was terrible. He could neither bring Hoseok back, nor was he able to tell Kihyun why he did what he did.

“Oh no,” he heard Nunu’s voice from the door as his best friend hurried over to him with quick steps and peeled him off the sheets. His back landed on the other man’s lap and big arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him into a firm embrace. “Shh, it’ll be fine, Hyungwon. We’ll figure this out. I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding again.”

“What’s going on?” Kihyun asked somewhere in the distance.

“Hyungwon can’t deal with plan changes and he’s misunderstood a lot. His head works differently,” he heard Nunu explain as a big familiar hand stroked over his hair regularly. There was always the same time difference between the beginning of each stroke, ending at his nape only to start all over again. “He really cares about Hoseok, so having him gone is like a crack in his world view. I’m not sure how to fix this yet, but he’ll need a while to deal with the thought. We have to make sure that he doesn’t curl up and stay here in the hope that Hoseok returns. That would be bad.”

“But he’s an adult, why is he like this? Why can’t he just be hurt and return to his daily business, just like me or you? Why would he need you to come and stroke his head and do all those weird things? This sucks so much, instead of being sad that my best friend fucked off to France, I’m here trying to get his ‘feelings friend’ to get up from the mattress.” The speech was followed by a loud groan and Kihyun let himself fall on the bed next to Nunu.

There was a change in the way he was held as his best friend freed one arm while still holding him tightly with the other.

“Come here,” he heard Nunu whisper towards Kihyun as there was a shift on the bed. Hyungwon didn’t mind anymore, he simply tried to space out. To still hear and see things, but without processing them. It was like staring at a pot, but without the awareness that it was a pot.

“I want him to come back. He’ll do stupid shit, I know it. But I have exams this week, fuck my life,” Kihyun said quietly, meant to reach Nunu, not him.

“We'll figure it out, I promise, Kihyun. You'll finish your exams and we'll go there if necessary.” Nunu’s hands danced along his neck and shoulders and squeezed briefly to get his attention.

“Can I tell him?” his best friend whispered softly and Hyungwon simply nodded. He didn't care as long as everything returned the way it had been before.

“Hyungwon has a neurodevelopmental disorder. It makes him think differently and see things differently,” Nunu explained patiently before stroking over his hair again. A soft sound revealed that his friend must have kissed Kihyun. It was so unusual to have the broad man be affectionate with somebody who wasn't him. 

“Disorder? What kind of disorder?” the low voice asked.

“Autism spectrum disorder,” Nunu replied quietly, but Hyungwon could still hear it. He didn't mind. His mother advised him to mention his problems without the condition, but if that didn't work there was no real way around it.

“He’s autistic? Whoah, I had no idea. He seems okay to me. Apart from the thing with lying on the floor and scratching the wood. I called Hoseok autistic when we first met, because he was ignorant and couldn’t communicate. I see it wasn’t a nice thing to do because it’s actually something serious.” Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. It was probably Kihyun’s because Nunu didn’t do that.

“I'm okay,” Hyungwon murmured but he didn't quite believe it yet.

“You will be,” Nunu replied softly before talking to Kihyun again. “Hyungwon is actually really well compensated. It was way worse in high school, but he's pretty good now. He also doesn't really get attached to anybody, but Hoseok must be the exception. We'll figure out how to get him back. He must have misunderstood Hyungwon. He might seem extremely focused on sexual behavior and ignorant, but that's because other things matter to him. Somebody's an important person if he feels safe and holds their hand, wants to be next to them.”

“I want to hold Hoseok's hand, it's warm,” Hyungwon whispered and felt tears develop again, threatening to soak Nunu’s shirt this time. “Did he say that he hates me, Kihyun?”

“No, he didn’t say anything apart from being happy to go abroad which is complete bullshit.” Sighing, Hoseok’s best friend patted his shoulder and let go. “Okay, let’s figure this out somehow.”

“Okay,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed. If he had Nunu and Kihyun, then it was going to be okay, right? 

Right.

***

 

It had been three days and he successfully ignored Kihyun’s messages and calls. He couldn’t handle being persuaded, not now when he felt like falling apart every day, only because of the memories. Hoseok had never felt like this before, not when he failed at something and not when he’d lived all those years without having friends. It had been okay, he had been okay.

_ But now you’re not. _

Instead of doing anything about it, he played day and night, immediately agreeing on a performance that he practiced for until his fingers were bruised. Apart from the practice, it was easy to find his way around and to accommodate to the new city and people, as his dad’s friend was helping him, being the conductor of the Paris Symphonic Orchestra. One might have thought that his life was easy.

_ It kind of was. Before you met him. _

Paris was okay, but the images didn’t leave his head, no matter how hard he tried not to think about the time when he saw Hyungwon pressed against the wall, moaning and circling his leg around the other man’s broad hips. He hated it. He hated the fact that he couldn’t do anything about it and he hated the fact that he felt so much pain while remembering it.

_ Just play, Hoseok. _

Playing was easy at this point, his cello always listened to what he wanted and complied, filling the huge hall with beautiful music, accompanied by the violin the tall man next to him played. It was good. The guy was French, maestro told him that he was one of the aspiring talents in the orchestra. Basically Hoseok, only French and half his size. They fit well, and he enjoyed the way their playing complemented the piece, making it special and soft, nice to listen to.

“You’re good,” the violin player said with a funny accent, soft, like a river flowing into his ears.

“Merci,” he answered and smiled, because he liked compliments for his skills. He was confident.

“Would you like to join me now at my place? I wanted to practice for the performance tomorrow and after hearing you play, it seems like a good idea if we practice together. You're perfect, but your interpretation of the piece is quite special, I would be happy if you took the time, Oseok, chéri.” Again he sounded like a stream in the mountains, apart from mispronouncing his name.

“Hoseok, it's Hoseok. And you're Marcel, right?” Thinking about the suggestion, he didn't find anything that spoke against an additional practice. “Sure. Let's go,” he replied and nodded to support his words.

_ You're alone anyway and this way you can at least kill some time. _

The brown-haired man smiled at him, looking satisfied, probably happy that Hoseok had time and gestured for them to leave.

Marcel had a new black car and took him to an old apartment building that looked quite fancy. Climbing up the stairs, he felt a little dizzy after the long performance. He couldn't remember his last meal.

“Do you by chance have something to eat? I'm kind of dying,” he murmured and let himself fall on top of the comfy looking bed without asking because he was about to pass out.

“I have some shrimp snacks.”

Hoseok wanted to disappear, to curl under a blanket and stay there until it was all over, but he couldn't. Instead he nodded and took the package, ripping it open and imagining that it was just the way Hyungwon had done it to him, eating some and leaving him behind because there was something tastier around.

_ You can't blame him. He's right, there's nothing special about you and you don't know any of the things he enjoys. You're like a kid to him. At least you have your cello.  _

Swallowing the bitterness, he stuffed a few pieces into his mouth and chewed. They tasted disgusting.

“Why do you eat shrimp snacks? Aren't you French? You should eat something fancy with duck liver on top.” Putting the package to the side, he stared at his case before staring at the brown-haired man who was slowly taking off his suit jacket and watching him intently.

“No, I don't like that. I have special preferences. Do you want something to drink? I have some wine.” A smile appeared on the other man's face and he winked. 

_ He probably had something in his eyes. _

“No, I'm fine, thank you. Let's play,” he whispered and reached for his case. Suddenly, Marcel grabbed his wrist, removing it and watching him creepily. 

“Play? I'd love to play with you,” the low voice whispered and he was pushed back, warm body settling on top of his lap. Before he could say anything, burning lips attached to his and a foreign taste spread inside his mouth, there was also a faint touch of apple. Hoseok gasped and curled his hands around the other man's waist, trying to process what the hell was happening and whether he had done something wrong.

“You didn't really think I wanted to practice, did you? I know my parts, cherie, now show me yours,” Marcel hissed. 

“But… I can't show you if you're sitting on top of me, I need my cello,” he tried, but was immediately shut up by a hot tongue inside his mouth. The other man was quick to reach between them and unbutton his suit pants, slipping down and settling between his legs. Big, blue eyes looked up and the other man took Hoseok's dick into his mouth, sucking intently.

_ Fuck. Hoseok, fuck. _

He had no idea how he found himself in this kind of situation, but his mouth didn't care and his body didn't care either, burning with pleasure and sending him signals that it was exactly what he needed.

He moaned loudly, biting down on his lip and closing his eyes. It was a trap because he immediately remembered Hyungwon, the way he had felt while being inside the other man's hot mouth. It had been more, so much more, but pleasure was pleasure.

_ Maybe you can learn something.  _

Grabbing the brown hair, Hoseok pulled a little to see whether the guy liked it. A loud hum against the tip of his dick was the result and he pulled more.

_ Is this how you're supposed to do it? Is this why Hyungwon moaned with that guy?  _

“Let me sit down on this pretty dick of yours, shit, I've never met anyone who has the face, the body and the dick.”

_ Literally any man has all three. What the fuck?  _

“Do you want that?” he asked, unsure what else to say, and spread his legs, erection throbbing painfully between them.

“You bet, cherie,” Marcel hissed and started undressing in front of him, eyes fixed on his body. He was happy because there wasn't any contact anymore and he managed to form a coherent thought.

_ He wants to have sex with you. _

“Do you have condoms?” he asked, remembering Sex Ed. One might have thought that he was experienced. Ha ha. 

“Sure, big boy. Fuck, I bet you feel amazing,” Marcel purred like a cat and brought a bottle and a condom, ripping the package open and rolling it over his dick. It felt rough and he hissed.

_ Hyungwon touches you so much better. He is so much better. _

But maybe he was able to learn what guys liked and be more attractive for someone like Hyungwon. That was his hope. 

It went fast, naked thighs on top of him, extreme tightness, an influx of sensations, too intense but accompanied by moans, he couldn't tell whether they had been his or Marcel's. The other man seemed to like it, grabbing his neck and clashing their lips together roughly. There was pleasure, but also some pain and discomfort, the combination made him dizzy, gasping for air.

“I see you're used to lean back and enjoy instead of acting. Come here.” The brown-haired man climbed down and lay on the bed, lifting up on all fours and stretching out his round butt.

“I already miss how you feel inside me,” the low voice whispered. “Come on, fuck me.”

His brain got the point that the other man wanted him to push himself inside his body and he contemplated it, but it was not really appealing as Marcel kept wiggling his behind and whining, reaching behind himself and curling his hand around his half clothed thigh.

“I… o-okay,” he murmured, confused and dizzy because of the pleasure. Propping up against the guy’s round butt, he bit down on his lip and remembered Hyungwon saying one had to apply more pressure. He did, slipping into the tight body and losing his senses due to the intensity of the sensations.

“Good boy, and now move,” Marcel hissed, slapping his thigh. He wasn't used to being treated like this, but it was too late, he was basically balls deep inside someone's ass, so he moved back and forth, almost dying at the friction and moaning loudly.

“Merde, just like that, aim a little lower, you're so thick, fuck,” the low voice moaned, reaching for his thigh and scratching along it painfully.

It was hard to describe, it was a bucket of pleasure paired with suffocating tightness, with burning along his thighs and dizziness. He moved fast, encouraged by the low moans and the way Marcel pushed his butt into him with every thrust. 

_ If it was Hyungwon you would've already orgasmed.  _

Marcel reached between his legs and started stroking his dick, moans getting louder and more desperate, before he felt the other man contract around him. Moving his hips quickly, Hoseok closed his eyes and imagined touching Hyungwon's slim body, stroking over his spine and carefully nibbling on his gorgeous, firm thighs. How the low voice would sound like music in his ears and how intense it would be. Would.

_ Would. _

Groaning, he released himself, shaking from the intensity until Marcel let him slip out of his body, winking. Why did he wink? Hoseok was so confused. Taking off the condom, he threw it into the bin and cleaned himself with the toilet paper he found in the other man's fancy bathroom.

“Merde, you're so thick, Hoseok,” the other man said, but it sounded more like: ‘Merde, yeura so thique, Oseok.’ How did he end up in this situation? Fuck.

“Uhm, thank you, I guess. I'll go back then. See you tomorrow,” he murmured and grabbed his cello case. 

_ Oh god, you will see him tomorrow. _

Hoseok wanted to crawl under his blanket and not think, only concentrating on the throbbing in his groin and the fact that he had sex for the first time in his life. With a man. A complete stranger. 

_ You're stupid. _

_

 

Hoseok woke up after a weird dream consisting of him playing cello instead of having sex with the French violin player called Marcel. Maybe because the reality was so much stranger than his dream.

_ You slept with someone. With a man. _

Kihyun was right. He probably was gay, but he still didn't want anybody but Hyungwon, who probably had fun with some rough guy who didn't know how to touch but knew how to ‘hit’ whatever there was to hit. He had found it with his fingers last time but how was he supposed to find it with his penis? Gosh.

_ As if he would let you find anything. You parted ways, Hoseok. You and him are nothing now, no feelings friends, no friends, just nothing. _

The thought hurt so much that he swallowed, pulling his pants over his butt that was still wet because he didn't dry himself properly after taking a shower.

The windows of the new apartment were huge and gave off the feeling that he was abroad, reminding him of a castle rather than an apartment. He wanted to cry and he missed Kihyun, who probably didn't want to have anything to do with him either.

_ You can be alone, like before. _

Suddenly the bell rang, surprising him. It couldn't have been a package because he had gotten his new pillow yesterday, but the ringing continued. It was super weird, but he still went and pressed the button, opening the door to the building and waiting for the person to arrive in the fancy elevator.

_ What if you get robbed? _

Hoseok really hoped he wouldn't get robbed. The elevator door opened and his best friend's gorgeous face appeared. His heart started beating like crazy and he lifted both palms to his face, squeezing it. 

“I'm so happy that you came,” he murmured, letting his hands fall to his sides before Kihyun came closer and slapped him. In the face.

_ Ouch. _

“Why would you do that?” he asked, rubbing his cheek and tears running down his face from the surprise and the pain that spread immediately.

“Because I can. How could you leave when I told you to fucking wait for me? You think you can just fuck off and leave me to take care of the mess that's your feelings buddy or whatever? I think I have a second child.” The other man groaned loudly and pushed him into the apartment, waiting for something and staring at the stairway. “Did you finish counting the stairs?” he yelled.

“It's one-hundred-twenty-six, it's a strange number,” a familiar low voice murmured from the hallway until his gaze fell on big brown eyes, plump lips and pitch black hair, a few strands covering the tall man's forehead messily. Hyungwon looked as good as always, dressed in tight black jeans with rips all over his thighs and a simple white shirt that was too big for his slim build. Only his face looked a little puffy compared to before, almost the way it looked in the mornings. “Are you sure he lives here this time? I'm scared of crying again like yesterday.”

Hoseok panicked and walked back, hiding behind the bathroom door.

_ Fuck. He's here. He's here, Hoseok, what are you supposed to do? He came and you just woke up after fucking some French dude. _

“If you don't come out I'll kill you,” Kihyun said, steps coming closer. “Yeah, he lives here, this asshole.”

“I can't come out,” he whispered, peeking from behind the white door. “I slept with a guy.”

“Hoseok!” Hyungwon yelled suddenly, completely ignoring his previous comment. Hoseok heard fast steps as the dancer ran and ripped the bathroom door away from him. Long arms wrapped around his neck, followed by long legs around his waist. Hyungwon was rubbing his nose over a spot below his ear furiously while inhaling deeply. “I missed you so much, France is scary and loud and people speak a language I don't understand and nobody looks like you. We searched for so long and Kiki kept getting angry.”

_ Kiki?  _

Apart from the influx of sensations, feelings and confusion, there was the question why Kihyun didn't kill the black-haired man for calling him weird names. In the end nothing mattered, apart from Hyungwon's body that enveloped him, carried his thoughts away and made him feel so warm. So so warm.

“Why did you come?” he whispered, hands holding onto the white shirt and lips trembling from the realization of how much he had missed Hyungwon during those few days.

“Because you're important to me,” the beautiful man murmured and began to cover his face with kisses, with no ounce of hesitation. It was as if they had never been separated in the first place. “Nunu said there is a misunderstanding and we have to solve it. I didn't know that my actions hurt you, but now I do and can change them! I'm so sorry, Hoseok, please come back.”

_ You can't simply go back. _

“I don't think it's a misunderstanding. I- I saw you and I understand that you can get someone better than me, I simply can't watch it, you know? That's why I left. You can go back and continue doing what you were doing and I'll stay here.” His eyes focused on the spot between Hyungwon's prominent collarbones and he thought about touching it, but decided against it. Hoseok didn't understand why the black-haired dancer was in Paris. Maybe he came along with Kihyun to see the city.

_ Kihyun. He'll probably hit you again. _

Instead of hitting him, the other man leaned against the wall and watched the whole scene with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“But the other people aren't better. You're the best and the most important to me. I tried to explain it to Kihyun too. Touching doesn't mean anything to me, but it does when it's you, because you are special.” Brushing over his cheeks carefully, Hyungwon smiled brightly and kissed his nose. The dancer looked like the sun. “I'm so happy that I'm with you. Now it doesn't matter that it's France anymore. I only need to be with you like this and everything is fine. Kihyun is an angel for leading me to you.”

“You might have accidentally adopted a puppy,” Kihyun murmured while massaging his temples. “He didn't want to stop until we finally found your apartment, what a mess. Let's go back to Berlin, Hoseok. This isn't something you should run away from.

“But I did and it worked just fine, before you came that is. I even had sex, that's how fine I am.” He sounded as if he was about to sob. Why did he have to be so embarrassing?

“Are you stupid, Hoseok? I knew that you would do some dumb shit, I might be Jesus. Pack your stuff, we can't stay here for long, I only acted ill yesterday and today, I can't skip anymore classes.“

_ But how are you supposed to go back just like this? It's planned for a year. _

“Did… that person hurt you?” Hyungwon asked suddenly and stroked over his hair, repeating the motion endlessly. The other man's eyes were wide and his bottom lip was pursed a little. He seemed worried about him. “Your voice sounds different. Or did you like it that much? I can't tell.”

_ He doesn't really care whether you were with someone else. You're the only one like that. _

“No. It was fine,” Hoseok murmured and turned to Kihyun. “I can't simply go with you… This is planned for a year, I told you.”

“And I told you that it's bullshit and that whatever happened between you two isn't worth running away to Paris. Pack your stuff. I'm not going without you.” The other man disappeared into his bedroom and he heard loud noises before Kihyun came back and threw his suitcase in front of him like a gangster.

“Hoseok,” Hyungwon murmured and drew his attention back to the pretty face. Hoseok had missed it so much. The dancer didn't seem interested in his conversation with Kihyun at all, visibly in thought while holding on to him tightly. “But- did he know how to touch you? It has to be tender and done right. I don't want anybody to treat you badly and he couldn't have known that so fast. Is it me? Did I learn too slowly? I thought you like being close to me. I feel the most when I'm with you because I feel safe. Can I stay like this?”

_ Now he thinks it's because he didn't do it right?  _

“No… God, no. Nothing can compare to the way you touch me, you didn't learn too slowly. You are perfect.” His voice was barely a whisper as he let go of Hyungwon's t-shirt, feeling guilty for touching the beautiful man.

“But why did you leave then? Do you hate me now? Do you think that I don't care about you?” The dancer's face turned emotional, eyes becoming shiny and arms trembling a little around his neck. Hyungwon cried so easily, as if it was an automatic reaction, just like embracing. ”You're the person I care about the most, Hoseok. I'm just too stupid to figure out what makes the people I like sad. I'm so sorry, I didn't know seeing me like that makes you sad. I won't do it again, I promise. Can't you come back with us? With me?“

“I think I'm a fool,” he whispered, embarrassed about his thoughts and how he still tried to be close to the person who obviously didn't have those feelings for him. At least not similar feelings. “I can't give you anything besides being childish and hurt about seeing you with other people. That's the maximum, ask Kihyun, he'll probably agree with me.”

“Pack your stuff before I go nuts, you'll have a talk with your dad afterwards. There's a flight in five hours and I've been hanging around with Hyungwon for two days and if I don't see Nunu, I'll go nuts and kill both of you.” Kihyun kicked his suitcase for no reason.

“Does he mean it?” Hyungwon whispered with wide eyes and attached himself tighter. “Kihyun is always so aggressive. But he's also right. You give me everything I need and I'm just too stupid to explain to you why that is the case.” Burying his face in his neck, the black-haired man kissed his skin and inhaled his scent again. “Please come with us, I'll give you everything you need to be happy, I promise.”

“How do you want to give me everything if I don't even know what I need to be happy? Why are we so strange, you and I?” Hoseok exhaled softly at the exhilarating sensation of the other man's plump lips against his skin. “But…,” he started and leaned back just enough to see Hyungwon's gorgeous face, watching him like he was the center of everything. “I missed you. So much.”

There was no solution to their problems, no conclusion about the misunderstanding and no plan how they were going to continue, but Hoseok still felt it.


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You lied? What did you lie about?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 29th of June at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon's head was ripping apart after a whole day of running through Paris, almost getting hit by cars and getting the wrong apartment. It wasn't even clear how exactly Kihyun had managed to get the correct address, but their fruitless attempts suggested that the black-haired man was moderately skilled in French. But still Hoseok's friend was amazing, compensating it easily with confidence and a smile while pulling Hyungwon away from another bakery that had a macaron offer. Hyungwon loved those, they tasted like soft heaven with fragrance. Almost like embracing and smelling Hoseok.

_ You miss him.  _

He was doing surprisingly well despite the headache, following Kihyun obediently and nodding along when Kihyun got angry and insulted something or somebody. To be honest it was even a little funny. The black-haired man deserved his nickname Kiki. He was reasonable but also a little hilarious, like a cute but loud animal, while Nunu was a big but soft animal. They fit together well. 

_ If only you had your other half too.  _

Hyungwon was slow when it came to realisations and reflecting on his actions, that was probably the reason for running through the living room as soon as they arrived at Hoseok's apartment and recognizing the man hiding behind his bathroom door. It didn't matter where the gorgeous musician was hiding, it only mattered that they had finally found him.

His lips were like a waterfall, sharing everything he could think of while remaining tightly attached to the warm body and relaxing in a matter of seconds.

_ It’s really him. He makes you feel safe.  _

The apartment building could have been burning but Hyungwon would have been happy and safe in Hoseok's arms. It was where he wanted to be the most. There was a spark of disappointment when the warm hands let go of his waist, but Hoseok must have been overwhelmed, struggling with his sudden presence.

_ He’s mostly struggling with your words. He can't understand you. _

Again Hoseok didn't understand him, wondering how he knew how to make him happy if the cellist didn't know that himself. The answer was simple, trial and error. Hyungwon was going to do his best and make sure Hoseok was happy instead of sad because of him. He wasn't going to be with strangers and only with Hoseok instead. That was what the beautiful man wanted, right? 

“But….” The breathy way in which Hoseok spoke caught his attention and he trembled briefly. “I missed you so much.”

_ He left, but without forgetting about you. _

“I missed you too, “ he replied and smiled again. “Kihyun struggled to peel me off your mattress because it smelled like you.” Hyungwon wiggled to slip to the ground and give Hoseok more space. He didn't break contact completely though, hands remaining around the other man's waist. “Please don't leave me, Hoseok. I'll just die.”

“Why would you die? You looked fine to me when I last saw you,” the handsome blonde man murmured, biting down on his bottom lip and glancing to the side. “I bet you wouldn't have noticed if Kihyun didn't go to get you. Ah, I sound so bitter.”

“I would have noticed because I would have continued to go to your dorm room to wait for you to appear. You'd never have come then, that's-” Hyungwon's voice broke and he swallowed loudly. “That's so terrible. Just the thought of you being gone forever makes me want to stop breathing so that the hole in my chest goes away.” The dancer hit his big fist against his own rib cage once.

“Why don't you care that I was close to someone else? I don't understand. I want to scream and hit my head against the wall, or for the ground to swallow me when I think about seeing you with that guy, I'm going crazy,” Hoseok groaned and threw his head back.

_ This is how you made him feel by doing that. Of course he left, scared that he would always hurt that much. _

“I'm so sorry for hurting you so much, I didn't know,” he murmured and sank to the ground to embrace Hoseok's muscular leg. The other man's thighs were broad, but his long arms almost wrapped around it twice. He didn't want to let go. “It's different for me, just- let me try to explain. If… somebody touches your dick suddenly, do you like them the way you like me?”

“What? No! I don't want to be touched.” Hoseok exclaimed, staring down at him with his mouth parted.

_ He understands. _

Hyungwon smiled a little and placed a kiss against Hoseok's firm thigh before looking up again.

“It's the same for me. These men touch me, but I don't care. I just use the pleasure to stop thinking and no matter what they do it doesn't stop me from liking you more than anybody else. I don't care about being close to them and I don't need to. If it hurts you, then I will never do it again. You're the most important, Hoseok.”

“But why? Why am I the most important? I don't understand.” The gorgeous, blonde man sunk down and cupped his face with his elegant hands. “Why do I like you so much even though I don't understand you? Why do I still want you so much?”

“Because you like me?” Hyungwon replied and giggled. He felt happy that Hoseok cared so much because it meant their feelings were still mutual. It was the most important. “You're the most important because my brain and body decided that. I feel safe next to you and I just know that you could never hurt me. I'll wrap myself around you and then the world is perfect. I want to kiss you but Kihyun is doing that sound with his teeth that almost makes me faint.” Shuddering, Hyungwon glanced to the side at the black-haired man. He looked a little annoyed. He had seen that face a lot over the past two days.

“I'll come with you, but I need to play. In an hour. I can't ditch a performance, I don't do that and Marcel can't play the piece by himself, he's not good enough. You can watch and then we can go to the airport together while I think about how I'll explain this to my dad.” Sighing, Hoseok stood up from his knees and pulled him along.

“Who’s Marcel?” Hyungwon asked and placed a wet kiss on Hoseok's cheek. His lip tint left a mark, but he decided not to tell the cellist because it was pretty somehow.

“The guy who plays violin. And also the guy I talked about before. He said he wanted to practice yesterday, but didn't really mean it. Anyway, I have to play.” Blush appeared on Hoseok's face. 

“He said he wanted to play, but didn't?” Hyungwon's eyes widened a little. He hated it when people hid the fact that they wanted to have sex. He expected them to say the truth, but they just said whatever. When people said it at the club it was clear, but like this? Mean. “That's super mean of him. What if you really wanted to play cello!”

“Well, I kind of did, but he… yeah.” The blonde man looked to the side and swallowed, playing with his hands. 

_ Is he uncomfortable about the topic?  _

Hyungwon felt a little sad that Hoseok was tricked like that, especially since that Marcel guy didn't know him at all.

“I could have made it so much better, all tender and careful to make sure you felt good. I'm sorry that it just happened like that. I hope you are okay.”

“I thought about you,” Hoseok whispered, blessing him with a brief glance of those black eyes that were so easy to look at. The other man was quick to stand up and run into his bedroom.

_ He thought about you while being with somebody else. You mustn't leave without him. _

“Right, pack in advance, we're going from there,” Kihyun yelled and hit his head against the wall, probably tired from all the stress.

“Should I rub it for you?” Hyungwon asked the stressed man, but doubted that he would agree. He never did.

As soon as Hoseok's suitcase was packed, all of them were dressed and Hyungwon had safely reached for the blonde man’s hand to hold onto it, he felt all wiggly. It was exciting because now he had his safe person with him. Everything was going to be amazing and easy.

Hoseok had his cello case and Kihyun was nice enough to take the suitcase. Hyungwon felt like an additional luggage, but a pretty one. The type that one didn't mind carrying along, hopefully.

“I'm happy,” he whispered when they arrived at the concert hall and Hoseok dropped all his stuff somewhere and began to prepare.

_ You'll hear him play again. _

“I might cry because I missed the cello so much too,” he pointed out cheerfully and stroked over the curve of the cello as soon as the blonde man took it out of its case.

As always Hyungwon hadn't paid attention to his surroundings at all as a random dude popped up out of nowhere to greet Hoseok. He couldn't even pronounce his name.

_ This must be that guy. _

“It's ‘Hoseok’,” he corrected the French guy and felt relieved at the sight of his lip mark on Hoseok's cheek. It was calming somehow.

Leaning really close into the blonde man's personal space, the person whispered something into his ear and kissed his mouth, just like that, earning a shocked expression and a narrowed gaze from Kihyun.

“He was fine being called like this, right cherie?” The shameless guy squeezed the blonde man's arm before winking at him. “You brought your friends? I thought you were alone in Paris and I could take care of you.”

_ He kisses him just like that, but Hoseok isn't happy about that at all. _

“Are you sure that he likes to be kissed?” Hyungwon asked and felt a little uncomfortable, unsure why. The feelings were new to him, like his body burned in a spark of unpleasant heat, like he had to yell or run away or something equally ridiculous. 

_ You are running away with Hoseok, after this.  _

The thought should have calmed him down, but it didn't, so he stepped closer and carefully intertwined his fingers with Hoseok's. It had to be pleasant instead of rough. 

“Oui. I'm sure. Should we go rehearse, cherie?” Curling his filthy hands around Hoseok's firm biceps, the guy pulled him away, making Hyungwon lose his grip on the cellists warm hand.

“I- I'll be back,” Hoseok murmured, looking visibly uncomfortable and left.

“He- he treats him like a piece of meat,” Hyungwon whispered and sank to the floor slowly. “He just took him away, Kiki. He'll come back, right? He has to. I'll wait here.” Chewing on his cheek, he simply lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling. It was covered in small lights and made him dizzy.

“Okay, stand up, Cinderella, that's basically your club snacks, only in bottom version. Didn't like watching? Me neither, but he's a big boy, he'll figure it out. Let's go to our seats.” Kihyun didn't wait for an answer and pulled him up until he stood on his feet. “I have to tell Nunu that I worked out.”

“He won't be able to tell,” Hyungwon muttered and didn't anticipate the way Kihyun pushed him with strength, basically forcing his body to fly into the wall. Usually he would have giggled, but he remembered Hoseok being taken away by a person that didn't ask before kissing and having sex.

“I know that the men I'm with want to have sex with me. They say it, stuff like ‘can't wait to feel you clench around me’ or ‘let's see if you're as tight as you look’ or ‘I want to take you home and fuck you’. I understand all of those. Nobody tells me to go practise with them only to tell me to sit on their dick. It's mean and I'd be super unprepared. It's terrible.” Sighing, Hyungwon walked to Kihyun and wrapped his arms around the other man's shoulders. It wasn't quite it, but Kihyun was a friend now and it helped. Hyungwon missed Hoseok.

The black-haired man hugged back and grinned.

“Way too much information, thank you. You were also hanging around with bad people. Don't do it to yourself, you're worth more than that. Let's enjoy the performance and Hoseok will go back with us, so Marcel can sit on someone else's dick. Oh, are you jealous?” A grin appeared again before Kihyun stepped out of the embrace.

_ You're also with bad people? Is that how it feels for Hoseok?  _

“I don't know. I told you I'm bad with figuring out my own emotions. The condition has a fancy name, something with Alex, so I just say that Alex keeps me from reading my own emotions. That asshole.” Chuckling, Hyungwon ran to the door and ripped it open, waiting for Kihyun to follow. “How does it feel to be jealous?”

“How it feels? Fucking disgusting. You think that there's acid in your stomach and it's dissolving your intestines. As if you thought you couldn't fall, but then there's suddenly a void and something pushes you inside, you fall and you're so scared that you'll end up hurting, in pain. You're scared that no one will get you out and that you'll stay alone. Forever. Because right there, on the other side of the void there's the person you love with someone who could be better, prettier, nicer, more talented, successful, good in bed, smart, uncomplicated. Everything that you are not. You fall and you see it in front of your eyes and you are so scared that you don't realize what actually happens with the person you love, you simply look into the void and fall. Something like that?” Kihyun nodded to himself and walked through the door.

Hyungwon swallowed as dread collected in the pit of his stomach. 

He really didn't want to feel that way, to be jealous.

_

 

His knees shook from side to side and his hands held onto the armrest of the seat he was occupying. He had no idea how they were able to get them, but they did. The seats were for important people and Hyungwon felt out of place with all the people in suits and dresses. It reminded him of Kihyun’s words, of comparisons and constant insecurities. That Marcel guy was probably able to understand Hoseok's love for the instrument, but Hyungwon knew much more about the blonde man. He knew how to embrace him and how to make him smile. That mattered more, didn't it? He sure hoped so.

He kept wiggling until the curtain lifted and Kihyun put his manly and veiny hand on his thigh to make him stop.

His eyes searched for Hoseok furiously until they found his spot, but not him, waiting for him to appear with deafening applause and his cello in hand.

_ This is the first time seeing him perform publicly without being a part of it. _

Hyungwon couldn't believe he had really gone to Paris to find Hoseok and was watching the blonde man play in a hall now. He had improved so much, arriving without mental breakdowns, anxiety and meltdowns.

The curtain moved and the blonde man came on stage, wearing a blue suit and taking his spot, cello safely placed between the gorgeous thighs. The annoying person also appeared somewhere in the corner of his eye, but Hyungwon only had eyes for Hoseok.

The music started, it was calming and flowed so nicely with the other instrument, like two sisters that met after a long time and completed each other from the first word. Some time passed and Hyungwon couldn't hide his surprise when it was already over, leaving him in silence. Deafening applause followed and echoed through the hall. Hyungwon realised that he missed the calming sensation that the music had created inside of him. It was something inherently Hoseok.

The beautiful man went forward and took the spot next to Marcel, bowing and smiling brightly, before both men disappeared behind the curtain.

“I need to have him back,” Hyungwon whispered and squeezed Kihyun’s hand with as much strength as he could muster. “I think he's my second half.”

***

The performance ended and his state resembled a trance, blurred out surroundings accompanied by increasing anxiety. Hoseok didn't know how to explain to his father why he suddenly decided to come back, ruining all the preparations and acting like a spoiled kid that wasn't satisfied. It wasn't him, at least it hadn't been until now.

_ Maybe you can tell him that your friends are in Berlin and you miss them. _

He had no idea how his dad would react, they never had intimate conversations with each other, not about his loneliness or about anything that went beyond the cello. Maybe because Hoseok knew that the only thing his father was interested in was his skill. It was what made him interesting. 

He attempted to get ready, but Marcel didn't seem very familiar with proper human etiquette, clinging onto him and making innuendos that might have been sexual. At least he guessed so.

“I will go back to Berlin today, but I wanted to play with you one last time. I hope you're satisfied with the outcome,” Hoseok commented while closing his cello case. He might have been a little slow with certain things, but he definitely wasn't impolite.

“Oui, cherie, why are you going back? It makes me sad! I thought we could play some more.“ The brown-haired violin player stepped closer and winked, licking over his lips briefly.

_ He doesn't mean literal playing, right?  _

“We played today, it was quite satisfying. Who knows, maybe we will see each other at some point.” Hoseok smiled shyly and pulled his cello on his back. “It was nice to meet you, Marcel. You're a decent violin player.”

“Good things don't last, right?” the brown-haired man asked with a pretty smile and cupped his face, kissing him just like that. Hoseok's eyes widened and he gasped, unprepared for the sudden touch and panicking because it reminded him of last night.

He heard the sound of the backstage door opening and a gasp that sounded a lot like Hyungwon, followed by some more steps and the deafening sound of said door falling shut. Only Kihyun’s sigh remained in the air.

“Are you ready, or do you plan on making out some more?” Kihyun hissed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

_ What? No! _

Hoseok immediately stepped back and took another step as a precautionary measure.

“No,” he murmured and looked around. “Where is Hyungwon?”

“I think he gets allergic to you acting stupid. You're no different.” His best friend pointed at the door.

_ He probably saw him kiss you. _

His heart started beating like a drum in his chest, blood rushing in his veins like a stormy river, before his feet finally moved, walking towards the door quickly and ripping it open. He didn't see Hyungwon immediately, so he looked around, finally spotting the black-haired man who almost blended in with the wall.

“It isn't what it looked like,” Hoseok exclaimed, and closed the distance, staring at the other man's gorgeous body. Why was Hyungwon so beautiful? 

“I think I'm the really stupid one, not you,” the black-haired muttered with his eyes closed. It was really strange how he pressed his body flat against the wall, hands caught between his chest and the tapestry. “Kihyun told me what jealousy feels like and it's so terrible. I feel helpless, standing here and hoping that it will stop when I can't see anything but it doesn't. I've never felt like this before, I didn't care when people that I've kissed before kissed somebody else. My brain keeps telling me scary things, like Marcel being able to read your emotions while I can't.”

“I don't think he can,” Hoseok whispered in reply and stepped even closer. Reaching for Hyungwon's shoulder, he attempted to turn him around. The black-haired man obeyed easily without opening his eyes, leaning against the wall with his back and breathing heavily.

“Why do you kiss him then?” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed. “Do you need the pleasure or does he help you to calm down?”

_ You didn't even kiss him. You were kissed.  _

His thought sounded like an excuse and probably was one, so he didn't say anything. Instead he leaned forward, seeing the pores on Hyungwon's pretty, round nose, his long eyelashes, his plump lips, showing a few small cracks, probably from chewing on them. For the first time he was conscious of wanting to touch, to kiss, to feel how the other man's lips would feel against his mouth.

“I didn't kiss him. I don't even remember how it felt besides ‘unexpected’. Did I… hurt you?” Hoseok placed one palm flat against the white wall, next to the dancer's handsome face and leaned forward. His lips touched Hyungwon's forehead for a brief moment before he leaned back again.

A soft exhale left the black-haired man's mouth, but he didn't open his eyes. Hyungwon lifted his hands and let his fingers brush over his hips and along his abdomen on their way upwards to his chest. Once both hands were wrapped around his shoulders, he could see a tremble pass through the slim man's body.

“I don't know, Hoseok. I only know that I want to wrap around you and protect you from all those terrible people that do things you don't like. Jealousy is terrible.”

_ He's jealous?  _

_ Like you. _

“Can I… kiss you?” he asked and reached for the small face, thumb stroking over Hyungwon's soft cheek, difference in their skin tone apparent and looking so beautiful. “I think there is no one I want to kiss, apart from you.”

“Then only kiss me and I shall do the same,” Hyungwon whispered and opened his eyes that glistened in the hallway light and reflected his face. The dancer let his fingers dance along his nape, stroking his hair.

Inhaling deeply through his nose, Hoseok cupped the other man's chin and leaned forward, covering Hyungwon's plump lips with his own, savouring the taste and wanting to feel more. His free hand circled the dancer’s slim waist easily and he pulled him closer, enjoying several points of contact.

Hyungwon whimpered into the kiss and wrapped his arms around his neck, almost melting in his arms. It felt intimate and slow, so different from the way it had been the night before. The black-haired man licked over his bottom lip before requesting access to his mouth, long fingers pulling at his hair lightly.

“You- you always make me feel so much, Hoseok.”

“I feel like melting,” he whispered and stepped forward, pressing Hyungwon against the wall and licking into his mouth.

“God, just get your fucking suitcase and let's go,” Kihyun yelled and pushed him, making a crepe out of Hyungwon and squeezing the air out of his lungs.

The dancer coughed into the kiss and only remained upright because there was no space to slip down.

“Next time I'll disturb them when they kiss,” Hyungwon muttered and brushed over his hair and nape one last time before letting go. “I can't breathe, my chest doesn't have that much space to be squished like that.”

“No you won't, because you didn't have to get me from France because Nunu made out with some trash in front of my eyes. But now you're even, I guess. Let's go.” Kihyun had a point, so Hoseok picked up his suitcase and sighed, not bothering to say goodbye to Marcel, considering the kiss more than enough.

“I'm sorry Kihyun, I'm really thankful for your help,” Hyungwon replied and kissed his best friend's cheek, leaving a red mark on it. “I keep wondering, have you guys ever wanted to be different than you are? Like- I think how it would be if I could start a relationship easily, and say what I think easily, or understand my own emotions easily. All of those things are such a mess to me.”

“Huh? I have no idea what my emotions are and I don't understand anything either, but it's okay as long as you don't have to deal with people,” he replied and curled his fingers around Hyungwon's slim wrist. He didn't know why he did that. So much to understanding his own emotions.

“But I hate being alone, so I have to deal with people. I like people, but they tire me out quickly with the exception of a few. You're special.” Smiling widely, Hyungwon jumped to the side and kissed his cheek while wiggling the arm that Hoseok was holding onto. “I just think that all of this would be so much easier if I wasn't weird. I like my different thoughts, but I hate all those things I can't do. Did you know that people like me end up alone a lot? That's super scary considering I hate loneliness.”

“I like being alone. It's the best,” he commented and smiled genuinely, thinking how calming it was to simply think whatever or play cello for hours. “I don't think you're extraordinarily weird. Kihyun is also weird, look at him! And what adult, cupboard-looking male calls himself Nunu?”

“Oh, I made that nickname for him because he couldn't pronounce his name as a kid. That's where it comes from. I call Kihyun Kiki, because he's super cute and short but can kick you really hard.” Hyungwon laughed too, intertwining their fingers instead of the awkward hold he had before. “Also, thank you for saying that I'm not weird. It means a lot.”

Maybe all of them were weird, each in their own way, but in the end it didn't matter, did it? 

_

 

His steps sounded weird considering the fact that he was familiar with the path, the floor, the walls, the pictures on the walls, he knew them all by heart, but still it felt strange.

_ Because you know that you did something wrong. _

His hands shivered when he pushed the handle and opened the door, facing the grey-haired man, who looked up from some papers and nodded. A sign for him to sit down.

He made sure to not make any loud noise, as his father was rather sensitive to sound and took the spot on a chair across from his dad's, big desk creating distance between them. Not that it felt more distant than it usually did.

“Why are you back? It was quite stressful for me to organise your trip last minute, you seemed so eager to leave. Is it because of the dancer?” It was straightforward, so Hoseok had no other choice but to agree, nodding and keeping his gaze on his father's wrinkled face.

“It's good that you're here then, that way I can address the topic without tiptoeing around it.” The dark-brown eyes found his and his father leaned forward a little, observing him intently. “I don't want you to be friends with him. He's not appropriate company for you. You're a talented cellist and he's only here because of the anti discrimination law.”

Saying that he was shocked would have been the understatement of the century. His mouth opened and he stared, waiting for his dad to tell him that it was a joke, just that the older man didn't.

“Excuse me? What do you mean anti discrimination law? Have you seen him? He dances like a god! And we are really good friends, I can't simply stop talking to him!” Hoseok felt how anger bubbled under his skin and forced him to clench his fists.

“He has a disability, so I had to admit him due to the anti discrimination law. He has some severe developmental disorder, he's ill, Hoseok. He will only eat up your time. He has this friend, Hyunwoo Son, who accompanies him all the time. Hyunwoo could do so much better in dancing, if he wasn't with Hyungwon. This isn't how the world works. Stop hanging around with him and concentrate on your exams. I saw you being close to him, I don't accept it. You seem way more distracted, maybe you need to go further abroad, to get clean thoughts and concentrate on music. I'll be watching you.” The grey-haired man finished with a tone of voice that Hoseok knew all too well. A tone that didn't allow any reply.

Hoseok felt like someone had pushed him into a void with no means of escape. His hands shivered as he nodded and got up, removing his gaze and concentrating on the door, until he was outside and heard the click of the lock. 

_ What is happening?  _

Pressing himself against the wall, Hoseok tried to catch his breath, to make sense of what he just heard, trying to understand how Hyungwon could be disabled while having all his limbs in place and no lack of intellect.

_ Is he lying?  _

His father didn't look like he was. The fact was that Hyungwon had something he didn't know about so he wasn't allowed to be close and his dad threatened to watch him.

_ He'll send you to Australia, won't he? Fuck. _

How was he supposed to solve this? His plan had been visiting the black-haired dancer after his talk with his father, but now it seemed impossible.

_ You can't stop seeing him, you'll die, Hoseok. You have to find another solution. _

_ Something… Anything.  _

 

***

Hyungwon was lifting up the blanket with his toes while reading over the same sentence for the third time. His thoughts were preoccupied with something else, so he kept getting distracted and forgetting what he had just read. It was a really nice book about the year 1913 and what had been happening culturally at that particular time. It was fascinating for him to read about creative people at that time and realise how different all of them were. People were different and especially creative people that painted, wrote books or danced, like him.

_ You fit right in. _

There were so many nice facts, like most of the writers of that time having deep philosophical concerns that nobody else thought about. Hyungwon also felt like he thought about things nobody else thought about. For example he was extremely concerned with the emotion of jealousy. It wasn't about being hurt because of jealousy or wanting to cry and hurt another person for having something he didn't, Hoseok in this particular case, but it was rather what the emotion meant.

When were people jealous? Usually it was when a person, let's say person A, wanted to have a person B, or maybe something that person B was able to offer like affection and kisses and hugs, however, person C was the one to have all those things. Hyungwon hadn't been jealous before, but seeing Hoseok being kissed by that French guy must have meant that he wanted all those things that Hoseok was able to give, be it affection or kisses. Well, he wanted to have the blonde man inside of him but he was considerate and wasn't going to force Hoseok into anything. The important bit was that he hadn't been jealous before while seeing his sex partners kiss others, but he was with Hoseok.

_ Which means that he's special and you don't want him to be with others, only with you. _

“Oh,” Hyungwon exclaimed out loud and lifted the blanket off his legs, stumbling a little in his attempt to stand up. His motor skills were surprisingly bad for somebody who could dance like a god. He was pretty confident about his dancing.

_ You want him for yourself, that makes a lot of sense. _

Feeling excited that he had finally figured it out and could connect his behaviour with movies and other people like Kihyun and Hyunwoo, he hurried to his best friend's room and ripped the door open. It was loud enough to cause his best friend to stop in the middle of a smooth motion of his hips, meant to melt his body into Kihyun’s who was lying under him. Hyungwon couldn't help but assess the position, however, he resisted giving angle advice. Instead, he shared his newly found revelation.

“Hoseok plus Hyungwon equals love!” he exclaimed and wiggled his knees to get rid of all that excitement energy.

“Ehm, Hyungwon...,” Nunu began carefully, but Kihyun interrupted him.

“If you don't fuck off in two seconds, I'll kill you,” the low voice hissed, breathy and rather attractive.

Hyungwon like the sound of it, so he leaned against the door frame and smiled. Kihyun looked like somebody who only made noise when he let go.

“You sound really sexy,” he pointed out and winked at Nunu who blushed a little. “But I wanted to share my realization! It's important.”

“I don't fucking care, you can share it later, I'm serious, I'll kill you if he gets soft because of you,” the breathy, low voice whispered accompanied by a pillow that flew against his face.

Hyungwon blinked a few times, surprised by the sudden aggression. Nunu and him had always shared private moments and it hadn't been a problem.

“Hyungwon- how about you give us thirty minutes and then we'll listen, okay?” Nunu asked softly and gasped after Kihyun shifted briefly. It must have felt good.

Hyungwon could work with that, so he nodded and turned around until he remembered something and glanced over his shoulder.

“You should lift his legs higher,” he pointed out before leaving the room and closing the door behind himself. The low moan that followed and vibrated through the walls told him that Nunu had decided to follow his advice. That was nice, Kihyun was probably thankful about that.

Throwing himself back on top of his bed, Hyungwon grabbed his phone that had ended up under his pillow and thought about how to tell Hoseok how he felt and what he had realised. He couldn't just write anything and it was important to start the conversation properly. Reaching for the small talk advice sheet on his bedside table, he looked through the options and didn't know which one to choose. Hoseok didn't have friend status anymore and the ones that Hyungwon had adapted for feelings friends, didn't apply anymore. 

_ Maybe you need to use the one for lovers? _

Looking at the sentences, Hyungwon nodded to himself and typed away, sending the blonde cellist a simple message.

‘I'm thinking about you, babe.’

A few moments passed before the reply appeared on the display of his phone.

‘I wanted to come over, but I can't.’

_ Huh, why not?  _

‘Why not?’ Hyungwon typed and hoped that it was okay without smileys. He didn't really know how he felt and he also didn't know how Hoseok felt. Was the blonde man sad about not coming? There were no crying faces or anything. The only thing that was clear was that Hyungwon wanted him to come.

‘Because I don't want to go to Australia. I might as well just die. :(‘ Hoseok replied immediately.

Hyungwon stared at the message for at least a minute because it didn't make sense. The smiley did, Hoseok was sad because of not wanting to go to Australia and possibly dying, but how visiting Hyungwon and ending up in Australia were related was a mystery. Was the cellist bad at geography? 

‘But I don't live in Australia, I'm right here, Hoseok. Two streets and my arms are warm too cause I’m laying in bed.’

‘It's complicated. I feel stalked and I'm not allowed to be next to you. God, that sounds like Romeo and Juliet, only that I won't die, only go to Australia, which equals dying. What are you doing right now?’ Hoseok wrote and sent a crying smiley right after.

Hyungwon began to collect the facts. Hoseok couldn't see him, because he felt watched, stalked even. Romeo and Juliet had a forbidden relationship that was condemned by their parents. Was Hyungwon Juliet with the balcony? That meant that Hoseok wanted to visit, but he wasn't allowed to and instead of dying because of it, the cellist was going to be sent to Australia, which was like dying to him.

There was also a question about what he was doing.

‘I'm thinking about being Juliet while listening to Kihyun moan loudly because Nunu is moving inside of him right now. I told them how to get a better angle,’ he wrote and couldn't help being sad about not seeing Hoseok. He didn't even have a balcony to see him anyway. ‘If I'm Juliet, does that mean we'll marry secretly? We can skip the dying, it hurts.’

‘Oh my god.’ was followed by ‘You want to marry me? Oh my god times two.’ Hyungwon thought about the question and wanted to reply but then his screen lit up again. ‘Can you come to the practice room on the second floor of the main building of the instrumental faculty? I'm there right now. But be careful of professors, they're all rats.’

_ Professors are rats?  _

At first Hyungwon remembered one of his dance instructors that did indeed look like a rodent with a pointy nose and lifted cheeks, but then he remembered that rats were known to be sneaky. 

_ He doesn't want the professors to see you. _

Hyungwon replied with a simple ‘yes’ and a smiley with heart eyes before changing into suit pants, a fancy shirt and leather shoes, his usual University attire. He was sorry to Kihyun and Hyunwoo for disappearing before their after sex appointment, but he was sure that the two men would forgive him for ditching it. Especially if they were having such a good time. Hyungwon was a little envious, but he was also hopeful considering he was about to see the man that was not his feelings friend anymore.

He wasn't too familiar with the instrumental building and got lost twice, partially because he was more focused on not being seen than on where he was going. Once he finally found the room, he exhaled out loud and slipped inside, closing the door quietly behind himself. His heart was hammering in his chest from excitement.

_ Your realization is still true. You finally feel like others do all the time. _

The way Hoseok's eyes widened and sparkled was new, as if there was nothing better in this world than seeing him walk through that door. The blonde man looked towards him, before leaning his cello against the chair and walking in his direction.

“I thought I was going to die, seriously,” the low, familiar voice whispered as the cellist stopped right in front of him, face resembling the emoji with the heart eyes.

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile back and copy the emotion, warmth spreading in his chest. The words reminded him of the Romeo and Juliet thing, so he licked over his lips and decided to play along.

“Then have my lips the sin that they have took,” he quoted and watched Hoseok's face intently. The cellist was so beautiful, features innocent but body strong and expressive. Hyungwon had missed him so much and only found himself confirming all the feelings he had read about. It felt just like that, warm, intense, exciting but also a little terrifying.

“You're insane,” Hoseok chuckled and reached for his face, brushing a strand of his hair behind his ear. “I missed you. So so much.”

“Why didn't you come to me? I've been thinking about you,” he murmured in reply and stepped closer, hips brushing over Hoseok's. “What turned us into Romeo and Juliet?”

“This is really embarrassing, but I think my dad misunderstood something and now it's a mess,” the beautiful man murmured and rolled his eyes. “He thinks that you have some illness and said to stay away from you. First of all it's ridiculous, right? What illness? And secondly, thinking that I can stay away from you is even more ridiculous. I need to tell him that it's a misunderstanding, so he stops thinking that you're a charity case.” Chuckling, Hoseok circled his hands around his waist and let his fingers stroke over his sides, touch light and affectionate.

Hyungwon froze in place, eyes widening and air remaining stuck in his lungs. The lack of oxygen caused a burning sensation but he ignored it, still watching Hoseok while attempting to make sense of the situation.

_ His dad told him that you are a charity case. _

He swallowed but it hurt, saliva and air forcing their way down his throat like a chunk of concrete.

“I'm- I’m not sure that he misunderstood,” he whispered and attempted to turn around, but he couldn't really because the blonde man was standing right in front of him and his shoulder got stuck against Hoseok's chest. He didn't know why he reacted that way, but he was scared suddenly, terrified even.

“Huh? Of course he did. I'm sorry that he said it like that. I have to persuade him that it's bullshit. You're… absolutely amazing, but I have to be careful, so I don't end up in Australia. Discussions are not his forte, that's why I forced you to come here, I'm sorry. It was the only way to see you and I couldn't stop thinking about you.” Strong arms pulled him closer and he felt the other man's hot lips against his neck.

A shiver passed over Hyungwon's skin and he couldn't resist leaning into the touch. He felt like he was lying to Hoseok and he hated lying. He wasn't somebody who did or was even able to lie.

“It's… it's not an illness, it's a condition,” he forced out, sensitive about the terminology. He spoke but still stood unmoving in Hoseok's embrace apart from tilting his head to the side to feel more of the familiar curved lips. Hyungwon had always been told not to talk about it too much, to word it carefully, but what was he supposed to do when Hoseok's father threw it out there like that? It was unfair, it was up to him whether he wanted to share his condition or not. Especially if it hadn't been relevant to solve their problems yet.

Emotions change so quickly, only moments ago Hyungwon had felt like flying through the roof because of his feelings towards the blonde man. But now Hoseok wanted to lie to his father to be with him, only because he wasn't like everybody else.

“Condition? What condition? You're perfectly fine!” the warm lips whispered against his skin as Hoseok kissed it further, traveling up to his ear and sucking his earlobe into his hot mouth. 

He gasped and felt his knees get weak. Nothing had changed, Hoseok was still the person that made him feel at ease and safe. He was with Hoseok, so wasn't it okay? Lifting his arms carefully, Hyungwon wrapped them around the other man's neck and attempted to exhale and abandon the tense air inside his lungs.

“I think differently,” he tried again, using the approach he was taught. “I pay attention to different things and suck at social interaction.” Hyungwon couldn't help but wish that Hoseok had just acted on his quote by Juliet and kissed him.

“But we all think differently, what kind of argument is that? Anyway, he's mistaken, but I don't know how to persuade him yet. I feel so terrible because I want to see you and hug you and kiss you, but I can't simply walk over, even though it's only a few minutes away. I… can I kiss you?” Hoseok leaned back and tried to catch his gaze.

“Please,” Hyungwon whispered, unable to say anything else. He felt like a liar, somebody who hid an important fact because not saying anything gave him the things he wanted the most. “Please,” he whispered again and couldn't help the way his body trembled.

Hoseok kept watching him intently, eyes jumping from his eyes to his lips, before the other man's warm palm touched his cheek, fingers dancing over it and moving towards his hair, sinking into it gently. A hot exhale hit his lips as Hoseok's curved mouth covered his own, spreading tingling warmth and feeling so good. Stepping closer, Hoseok held him by his waist and the grip in his hair, moving his lips and tracing his bottom lip with his flexible tongue. It was intense and so incredibly sensual.

Hyungwon gasped into the touch, unable to help it and immediately let his right hand sink into Hoseok's blonde hair to pull the other man closer and tilt his head, licking into Hoseok's mouth tenderly. The cellist tasted like a mixture of tangerines and coffee, delicious and Hyungwon couldn't get enough. He wanted him so much, to be close too, to touch him and make him feel good, to be touched and tell him all those things he realised that he felt.

“I know this is weird, but you feel and taste like heaven. Like Dvorak cello concerto, like sitting alone in your room and playing a stunning piece, feeling at one with music. I want to feel at one with you too,” Hoseok whispered before nibbling on his bottom lip and pulling his lower body closer against his broad hips.

_ He feels the same way. _

Hyungwon gasped at the touch and threw his head back, overwhelmed by the thoughts that developed in his mind and brought back all the feelings he had experienced before. He remembered his envy towards Kihyun and Hyunwoo for being close, he felt bits of his jealousy, knowing that Hoseok had been one with somebody who wasn't him. Hyungwon wanted it all, to have the beautiful man inside of him, to show him what he had realised, that he finally felt the same way about somebody that everyone around him did. 

“I want you inside of me,” he gasped and wrapped his left leg around Hoseok's hips, increasing the friction.

“In… Inside of you? You want to have sex with me?” Hoseok asked in his incredibly attractive low, breathy voice while his hands slipped under his shirt, leaving burning trails on the skin of his back.

“Yeah,” he muttered and moaned at the soft touches. “Usually it doesn't mean much to me, but with you it seems like it is the only way to become a part of you. It's as if I begin where you end, a continuation. I also feel this way when I dance to your music and our lips touch. It's so special and- I'm so lost because I've never felt this way before, Hoseok. I've never been jealous either, but here I am, thinking that he's been one with you but I haven't.”

“I… learned a little, thinking that I might be able to compare to other people who you are close to. I'm not sure it worked out, but I want to be close to you so badly. Maybe… you can come to my place tonight, if you don't have any schedules tomorrow? This… is not some appointment or anything similar, you don't have to, but I want to kiss you without having anxiety about someone coming in,” Hoseok whispered, hips pushing forward against him and strong arms embracing him tightly.

Hyungwon leaned in and sucked the other man's bottom lip into his mouth, enjoying the texture while observing Hoseok's almost black eyes. There was nothing that he would rather do than go to the blonde man's room at night. Even if there were schedules, he'd have skipped them for the sake of the man in front of him.

“Oh god, of course I'll be there,” Hyungwon replied and wrapped his leg tighter around the other man's hips to increase the friction, moaning softly. “You don't need to learn, you could lie in bed with me and kiss me, legs intertwined and it would be the best feeling ever. I'm in your palm, figuratively.”

“You make me feel as if I'm more than just the guy who can play cello. I didn't know that it would feel this nice.” Hoseok let out a breathy moan and leaned forward to nibble on his ear, hot exhales hitting his skin. The other man's hands explored, traveling down his back and cupping his ass hesitantly. “I can't wait,” the blonde man whispered.

The touches sent shivers down his spine and caused his dick to harden between his legs. He didn't plan on acting on it yet, but the way Hoseok was able to act with confidence and desire surprised him.

“You're Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied quietly and pressed his lips to the other man's curved mouth. “That's what makes you perfect.”

_

Hyungwon had felt lonely as soon as Hoseok disappeared through the door with a breathtaking smile on his lips and his baby blue cello case on his back. Only the thought that he would see the cellist in the evening, in the secrecy of a dorm calmed him down.

When he reached his own dorm room, he was met with the sight of Kihyun feeding Nunu chicken snacks while sitting on the bed, bright smile plastered on his face. His best friend had his eyes closed and lay on the other man's lap, chewing with what Hyungwon knew as a satisfied expression. It was nice and sensible, a relationship Hyungwon had seen countless  times. He had never thought he would yearn to have the same things, with one particular person.

_ You'll see him again tonight. _

“Do you have time for me now?” he asked and sat down on the floor in front of Nunu’s bed, leather shoes still on his feet. Their cheeks were still a little pink, so orgasm couldn't have been long ago. He was curious whether they had enjoyed his advice. Hyungwon had more if necessary.

“I still kind of want to kill you, but Nunu calmed me down. So, feel free,” Kihyun murmured and stuffed a few snacks into his best friend's mouth.

“You sounded like you enjoyed it though, it's important to keep your legs up when you're on your back,” Hyungwon stated and supported his words by nodding. Sex advice wasn't his reason for consulting his friends, but it wasn't too far off. “I realised something! It's what I told you when I walked in!”

Nunu wanted to answer but couldn't because of Kihyun’s influx of snacks.

“Get laid first, before giving me advice,” the short man hissed before eating a snack. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“But I get laid a lot!” Hyungwon exclaimed until he remembered that jealousy required a change of habits. “Well, got. Doesn't mean my skills are rusty though. I'll get laid tonight, but the point is-” He took a deep breath for dramatic effect because that was what people in movies did before proclaiming big news looking at Kihyun’s eyebrows and then at Nunu’s eyebrows. He was excited.

“I think I'm in love.”

“What do you mean you'll get laid? If Hoseok goes to France again because you're hoeing around and giving him false hope, I'll fucking kill you, Hyungwon, I swear!” Kihyun looked scary when he narrowed his gaze and spoke in that low tone of voice. Hyungwon was disappointed that his announcement didn't have the intended effect. To him it was big news, something that happened to neurotypical people in movies, not him. But here he was, falling in love while being accused of hoeing around.

“Hyungwon doesn't really hoe around, but I understand where you might have gotten that from,” Nunu commented calmly and reached out to stroke over his head once. “You think you're in love?”

_ He understood!  _

Nodding furiously, Hyungwon slipped closer and couldn't help the smile that spread his lips.

“I'm visiting Hoseok tonight because he invited me and I think I'm in love with him. Being jealous means that I only want him, right? I've never felt like this, but now I do! I'm so excited that I'm also capable of this. I was worried, so worried that I can't really love like other people!”

“You're in love with Hoseok? Does he know that? Because he's really dumb when it comes to this, he probably thinks you have a special friendship because you bullshitted him for ages. He’s never dated either. This is a mess, oh my god,” Kihyun murmured and massaged his temples.

_ Did you tell him? No, you couldn't.  _

Hyungwon swallowed as dread returned to his veins and filled his chest with lead instead of butterflies. He had wanted to share his realization with Hoseok, tell him how special he was, but the direction of the conversation has taken that ability from him. 

Instead of elaborating, he simply curled up and bit down on his bottom lip to keep himself from crying.

“I lied to him,” he forced out as his face heated up and his eyes burned.

_ You couldn't tell him because you were too scared. That's lying. _

“But you can't really lie, Hyungwon,” Nunu muttered and stroked along his calf. Hyungwon didn't move though, hoping for the feeling to disappear and be replaced with all that happiness he had read about in books. There was no reason for jealousy anymore, not really, and Hoseok wanted him to come over. It should have been great.

_ If only you actually told him what's wrong with you. _

“You lied? What did you lie about?” Kihyun asked, narrowing his gaze and letting Nunu slip down from the bed.

“His dad told him about my disability, but he thinks it's a lie. I told him that I have a condition, but he didn't believe me, saying I'm fine and wonderful and-” Sobbing he wrapped his arms around his knees and hid his face. The thought was so scary, worse than everything he had seen in movies.

_ What if he doesn't want to be with you once he knows that it's true?  _

“Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean Hoseok's dad told him? How the hell does he even know about this? Fuck, that means he talked to Hoseok, now it makes sense why he suddenly wrote that he's Romeo only with another man. I thought he wanted to make me angry.” Kihyun came closer and put his hand on his shoulder. “Hoseok didn't believe it? But isn't that nice? It means that he doesn't think that you're so different that it shows. I'm a little proud of him.”

_ But you're still lying to him. _

“But I should have told him. What if he finds out and is disappointed? It's much worse than he thinks, it's even written on a paper.” Remaining in his curled up position Hyungwon tried to imagine how Hoseok would react. He didn't know. The other man seemed so convinced that Hyungwon was normal and that he would be able to convince his father.

_ His father hates you because of your condition. _

“Oh no,” he whispered and felt like fainting. “Oh no. I'm in love with him but there is nothing- absolutely nothing that I can do.”

“Didn't he tell you to come? I guess I'll stay here with Nunu and you can go to him.” Kihyun didn't understand the problem. Not at all.

_ But you want to go, more than anything. You have to tell him when you're there, explain it to him. _

It should have been easy, a few words, mixed with the problems he had and why it was considered a disability. But Hyungwon had never been the one to talk about it, Nunu was.

_ How is he supposed to convince his father that you're normal if… you're not? _


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe that is how he feels, something good came to him, but it’s unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 1st of July at 2 PM CET.  
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Was it okay to smell like shower gel, or was perfume the better choice? But if it was perfume, what kind of perfume? And should he only apply it on his neck, or also chest and maybe down there?

_ Motherfucking cocksucking twat. _

He jumped under the shower for the fourth time and was happy that Kihyun wasn't there to make fun of him. On the other hand, he could've avoided the trial and error thing. His skin was already wrinkled from all the water.

Washing himself thoroughly with the coconut shower gel that he bought, because Hyungwon liked coconut flavour, Hoseok went into doubt mode again. What if Hyungwon only liked tasting it, but not smelling it?

_ Fuck. _

Groaning loudly, he left the shower stall and dried his body quickly, removing a few drops of blood. He had been a little clumsy because he had never shaved down there and Hyungwon was completely hairless, so the black-haired man must've liked it like that. Hissing at the burn from the aftershave against his balls, he ruffled up his blonde hair and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

_ You look okay, but you are an idiot. _

At this point he was quite thankful for his decent visual appearance, maybe Hyungwon would forgive everything else.

Slipping into his tight, black underwear, he wore the previously chosen black jeans with rips on his thighs and a baby blue sweater, thin and feeling nice against his naked skin. It didn't itch, he liked that. The styling of his hair was perfect and he spent thirty minutes searching for a perfect place for condoms and lube. It had to be natural and not look staged. Hiding it under the pillow was simply dumb and the bedside table was too obvious. The drawer in the bedside table was the final choice and he started rehearsing what he would say as soon as Hyungwon arrived. 

_ You have no idea what to say. _

It was already 10 PM and he had the urge to drink something alcoholic to calm his fast heartbeat, but remembered that Hyungwon didn't drink and gave up on the idea.

_ You could offer him orange juice, or ask him whether he was scared to come because it is late. _

Hoseok didn't know whether spending two hours on Google while going through threads on anal sex, gay first experiences and quite a lot of porn had been a good idea, because he ended up being even more confused, scared and a little disgusted. By the porn, that is.

_ They're so rough!  _

Shaking his head, he checked whether he smelled nice, had enough orange juice and placed the lube into the right drawer. Everything was fine, so he lifted the waistband of his jeans and underwear, checking whether he looked good down there. He kinda looked okay? He definitely didn't look worse than in porn, so that was calming.

_ You are about to sleep with him. He said he wants to have sex with you. For you to be inside him. _

A rush of blood flowed down to his groin and Hoseok immediately had to think about the annoying maestro they had in the second year to calm down. Why did he feel so fucking nervous? He wasn't nervous at all when he did it with the French guy.

_ Because he kinda fucked you. You didn't do much. _

But he wanted to be active, to show how much he liked Hyungwon, how much he could do, how gentle he could be with him, stroking moans out of him like out of the cello.

There was shuffling in front of his door, some scratching and finally a knock. It was the first time that Hyungwon knocked on his door without Hoseok having to open it for him.

_ If it's him. _

Hesitating for a second and swallowing his nervousness (it didn't work) Hoseok ran to the door and exhaled once before opening it wide and breathing as if he just came from exercising.

He was met with a big smile that looked a little unusual but still gorgeous and wide brown eyes. The black-haired man seemed to have put way less effort into getting dressed up while looking absolutely flawless. His long legs were covered in black skinny jeans with washed out rips along his thighs and a black silk shirt covered his chest, buttons reflecting the light because they were of a lighter color.

“Hi, I didn't wait this time because I know it's only you. Kihyun is still with Nunu, eating snacks and being all lovey-dovey. I missed you, even if it sounds stupid cause we saw each other not too long ago, but I literally laid on the floor and thought about you. Haha.” Ruffling up his hair nervously, the black-haired man came in and stood around in the middle of the tiny hallway. “Are there rules for what I have to do? Cause I have no idea when people have feelings, I just want to wrap my arms around you.”

“Why… “ he started but couldn't remove his gaze from Hyungwon's stunning features. The black-haired man was so gorgeous, soft eyes and his round nose, his amazing smile that spread his plump lips into a thin line. Hoseok was so gone. “Why are you so beautiful? Oh my god. I practised what I wanted to say but now that you're here I don't know anymore.”

“I also practised,” Hyungwon admitted with another smile and stepped closer, lips parting a little as the other man’s brown orbs focused on him, observing him intently. “But I ditched whatever I practised because I still don't know if these things apply to our relationship. I also fingered myself thinking about you and got a little lost in it, so I was almost late.”

_ Holy fuck. _

The story with the fingering brought him out of concept and he simply stared, swallowing and imagining Hyungwon pushing his fingers inside his body and moaning so beautifully, similar to the way the black-haired dancer had moaned before.

_ But now he's probably sated.  _

Hoseok tried his best to not let the disappointment shine through.

“I hope it was fun. Would you… like some orange juice?” he asked, gesturing towards his bedside table where he stored the lube and condoms. Idiot.

“You have orange juice in your bedside table?” Hyungwon asked excitedly and hurried over, opening the drawer without even bothering to wait for Hoseok’s reply. Instead of outrage or disappointment there was simple surprise followed by a pretty smile. “Wah, I’m happy you bought plus size, cause that’s exactly what you need. Also- you bought the coconut lube! I can’t believe it. Thank you!”

Biting down on his bottom lip, which looked rather suggestive, Hyungwon reached into the drawer and took out all of the items, placing them on the bed. It wasn't enough that he was exposed and Hyungwon noticed him buying extra large condoms, he was also blushing like a peach, so he turned around and pressed his forehead against the cold wall.

“Please kill me.”

“What- why would I do that?” This time Hyungwon sounded a little outraged. The bed made a soft noise, followed by steps and Hoseok felt a light brush of fingers along his spine, tracing it all the way to his behind. “I’m happy that you want me enough to get all these things. I wasn't that organized, just took two condoms and a small bottle of lube which I stuck into my back pocket, even though your dick is big.”

_ You're so embarrassing.  _

“I feel so stupid because I want to be close to you, but I also don't want you to think that it's the only thing that I want. We can also talk and hug, or kiss and sleep, as you like! I'm so fucking nervous, help.” Hoseok didn't mean to say it out loud but the last sentence joined his previous speech and made him blush even more in addition to the shiver that ran down his spine at the gentle touch. 

“You know- I feel the same,” Hyungwon replied and placed a tender kiss against his nape. The other man’s hands were careful, caressing his spine and wrapping around his hip, thumb brushing along his hip bone. “Usually I have little to no interest in the people I sleep with, but you’re not a person like that. It’s the first time I feel like that towards somebody, so I’m also worried about fucking up. About upsetting you, or touching you too roughly and making you hate it. I was scared that I’d be too on edge because I find you so attractive, that’s why I fingered myself in the shower. I can let go with you, but I don’t want to scare you when I do it.”

“But why would you scare me? You are so incredibly attractive to me. I… looked things up and I also had sex with someone, so I'm not completely dumb. I just… I just want to touch you and show you how much I like you. How much I like being close to you. I want you to feel safe with me.” Turning around, Hoseok reached for Hyungwon's handsome face and stroked over his cheek, licking over his lips tentatively.

“When one really wants something, not having it becomes scary.” Hyungwon’s voice was low as he stepped closer, enough for Hoseok to lean against the wall with his back as the black-haired man placed one of his hands flat against the wall. “You’re not dumb at all, actually it’s great not knowing because you can experiment, you don’t have any preconceptions about anything. You can just try it out and be like ‘fuck this is amazing’ or ‘oh god please stop’. It’s fine because we both care. Go ahead, touch me. I really want you to.” Leaning in, the beautiful man tentatively brushed his lips over Hoseok’s, licking along the curve of his mouth with his tongue.

“I want you,” Hoseok whispered and licked into Hyungwon's delicious mouth, how could a person taste better than any food? He had no idea, but he wanted to savor it forever. Curling his hands around the other man's tiny waist, he gasped at how much it turned him on. It was scary.

Hyungwon smiled into the kiss before gasping ‘me too’ and pushing his slim hips into him, lips immediately parting in a silent moan and one hand finding its way into the strands of his hair, pulling slightly to tilt his head further. It seemed like the dancer knew exactly how to touch him, even if it was just the brush of a thigh against his groin.

“I can touch you, I'm allowed to, right? I want to touch you so badly, please,” Hoseok whispered, eagerly roaming over Hyungwon's back and pulling the dancer closer. His hips rolled into Hyungwon's slim one's and he could feel a little bit of warm skin under his fingertips. 

There was a nod, followed by another tug on his hair as the beautiful man turned them around, pressing himself against the wall and pulling Hoseok against his chest.

“I am so fucking happy you returned, Hoseok. You can’t even imagine. I thought I was going crazy, waiting for you on your bare mattress and mentally begging you to return. I need you so much, you have no idea how much. Please let me be next to you, even if I’m weird.” Hyungwon sounded so desperate suddenly, breaths picking up in frequency and goosebumps spreading along his beautiful golden skin.

“You're no different from me, apart from being absolutely perfect, oh god.” Inhaling deeply, Hoseok crouched down and took Hyungwon's thighs, lifting him easily and pressing him against the wall, lips attaching to the other man's bare neck. Suddenly he felt the need to sink his teeth into the soft surface.

_ You're turning into an animal. _

“Shit, I love feeling weightless,” Hyungwon exclaimed and threw his head back, black hair rubbing over the white tapestry and becoming tousled. The beautiful man’s fingers tugged at his blonde strands, pulling him towards the delicious neck. Everything was perfectly visible on Hyungwon’s face, the pleasure, the gasps, the urgency. “Bite me, fuck, I like it.”

_ You can do it. _

It was more reflexive than anything else when his hips rolled into the slim body, accompanied by a moan and his teeth sinking into Hyungwon's neck. He was going crazy, fuck.

_ What if you just orgasm before you do anything? Oh god. _

Hyungwon’s voice was gorgeous, just the way he remembered it only better, rich and low as it echoed off the walls and only increased in loudness the more he nibbled on the beautiful man’s neck. The tugs at his hair turned more frequent and less tender and Hyungwon threw his head back, staring at him with almost black eyes and parted lips.

“I want you in my mouth.”

_ You won't hold out. Ever. _

“I have no stamina with you. I held out for almost half an hour with… the other guy, but I won't ever be able to with you, this is so fucking embarrassing. I wanted to… to take you into my mouth.” Letting Hyungwon’s feet touch the ground, he sunk to his knees and looked up, waiting for a reaction. He was so tall. And stunning. 

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon muttered and blinked a few times. “I dreamt about this. If you like I can tell you what feels good. I'm pretty good at it.” The black-haired man chuckled but gasped right after, legs spreading a little. “After that I'll take the edge off for you, so you can last. That's what I did.”

“Could you unbutton your shirt? I… also dreamt about you, you were only wearing an unbuttoned shirt that pooled at your wrists and it looked so… attractive.” Reaching for Hyungwon's jeans, Hoseok changed his mind and started kissing the naked skin that was visible through the rips. It tasted like heaven and he couldn't help but think that it was only the case because it was him. Hyungwon.

“It's my pleasure,” the tall man whispered and unbuttoned his shirt slowly, allowing the black fabric to slip down his arms and pool at his elbows. It looked even better than it had in Hoseok's imagination. Hyungwon was so mature when the two of them were getting sexual. “I love that your kinks are starting to show. I’d love to fuel them. What else did you think about?”

“Nothing,” he lied and let his fingers open the tight jeans Hyungwon was wearing, swallowing at the thought of what was about to come. Asking was still safe as long as he didn't have a penis occupying his mouth, so he dared, looking up and licking over his lips slowly. There was a brief spark of disappointment on Hyungwon's face that transitioned into arousal and a gorgeous smile.

“When I had sex with Marcel he… liked it a lot when I pulled his hair accidentally. What kind of things do you like?”

“I enjoy having my hair pulled too, but I-” Chewing on his lips, the black-haired man tensed a little. “I'm suffering from jealousy again. I- god- I'm sorry, I immediately want to jump you and make you lose your mind because of the things I want to do to you. God, I- love hair pulling, bites, fingering, having your hands all over my body. I also love lips around my dick while a finger is inside me, but then I'll come quickly. I enjoy playing with toys, having my hands restrained, being called sweet names, sucking dick.”

_ Oh god, that's a lot. _

“I- I'm not sure that I can do all of those nicely, but I'll try,” he murmured and inhaled to get the courage to pull down Hyungwon's pants and underwear in one go, letting the other man step out of it along with shoes and socks. As soon as he was done, Hoseok looked up again. Shit, he shouldn't have because it was just like his wet dream. A sharp exhale left his lips and his dick twitched in his jeans, making them uncomfortable.

“Like what you see?” Hyungwon asked and tilted his head back, showing off his neck as he took a deep breath. Reaching between his legs, the dancer wrapped his fingers around his dick and gave it a few strokes, removing a drop that developed on the tip.

_ Satan.  _

Returning the moisture to his lips and getting competitive about being dumb and inexperienced, Hoseok curled an arm around Hyungwon's hips and sunk his fingers into his pretty, firm butt, pulling him towards his mouth and licking over his tip quickly.

A gorgeous, low moan passed the dancer’s plump lips but the big eyes remained focused on his face. Hyungwon’s hand was still wrapped around his dick, so he tilted it towards Hoseok’s lips and brushed over the bottom one briefly.

“Would you like to try it out yourself? I can tell you what I like.”

Narrowing his gaze, Hoseok swallowed and opened his mouth, stretching out his tongue and staring right into the brown orbs.

It took only a second for Hyungwon’s eyes to widen as he swallowed in return.

“Fuck,” the black-haired man murmured and rubbed his dick over Hoseok’s bottom lip again before dipping it between his lips carefully, resting it on his tongue while eyes focused on him. “Tongue is the trick to everything. You can dip it into the slit a little or just rub over the head and over the transition to the shaft.”

Hoseok moaned and sucked on the other man's tip, letting it slip further into his mouth. He was never this thankful for playing trumpet for a few years and being able to hold his breath for a long time. It felt a little weird to not do anything, so he reached for Hyungwon's butt, cupping it with both hands and bringing the other man's lower body closer.

“Shit, just like that,” Hyungwon moaned and grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling a little but remaining careful. Only when Hoseok gasped around the other man's erection, the grip on his hair became firmer. “Humming- humming feels really good too, especially when you take it deep, swallowing too. But you don't have to, that needs practise.”

Hoseok wanted to tell the gorgeous being to be quiet, but he couldn't, so he had to prove his point. Sucking in enough air to survive for one minute, he let Hyungwon slip further along his throat before humming as if he wanted to blow a trumpet. It couldn't have been this difficult. He felt like choking but it was okay, so he waited for a few seconds before moving back and humming more.

_ You want him. _

Deciding that it was enough, Hoseok let Hyungwon's erection slip out of his mouth and lifted from his knees, licking over his lips that felt swollen.

“I feel like I can't breathe if I can't have you,” he whispered.

“I think that was because of my dick though,” Hyungwon muttered, face a beautiful pink colour and voice rough. The dancer reached out for his sweater and immediately pulled it over his head, followed by his jeans and underwear that he carelessly pulled down. “Shit, can I please make you come with my mouth and then you'll fuck me?”

Hoseok had no idea how that worked, but it must be a thing if Hyungwon suggested it.

“You're stupid. I played trumpet and can hold my breath for a very long time. You'd be surprised. But your dick… it feels warm,” he murmured and looked to the side, blushing at his own words. It was strange being naked, last time it was dark and the one time he had sex, he had been almost completely dressed.

“Blood does a lot of magical things,” Hyungwon replied and pressed against Hoseok's shoulders to make him walk back, all the way until his calves touched the bed and Hyungwon made him sit down. The black-haired man sank to his knees immediately, big, warm hand wrapping around his penis and rubbing over the tip. Reaching behind him, Hyungwon grabbed the bottle of lube and poured a little bit on his dick, spreading it and improving the slide of the other man's hand. “I really like this because I can see so many facial expressions when I do that. I also like the way it feels on my tongue.”

Not waiting any longer, the dancer stepped forward and licked over the tip a few times, playfully while still moving his hand. Only gradually Hyungwon worked his way down, as if he wanted both of them to get used to it. Sucking his way up, the black-haired man let go and observed his face.

“I love that you shaved, it looks beautiful and the coconut scent makes me want to eat you up, Hoseok. You're a treat.”

_ He likes it!  _

His excitement was immediately replaced by breathtaking pleasure as soon as Hyungwon sunk down slowly. Moaning loudly and thighs trembling from the onslaught of sensations, he grabbed a fistful of the other man's black hair and let the strands slip through his fingers.

“Why is it so overwhelming when you touch me? It's not like this with other people, I don't like being touched. But I magically do when it's you.”

Hyungwon smiled briefly before he got back to work, sucking intently and moving up and down in a steady manner. Hums slowly added to the sensations until the black-haired man made his way down and plump lips brushed his groin. It felt absolutely insane, like the gorgeous man was squeezing him with his throat while humming and swallowing at the same time. A hand travelled down and cupped his balls, massaging them simultaneously. He felt like transcending into another dimension.

Moaning without a break, he felt his body shake, orgasm building up quickly with how Hyungwon was able to tickle every drop of arousal out of him in a matter of seconds. The black-haired man's free hand slipped a little past his balls, continuously massaging.

“I'm close,” he whispered while pulling at the silky black strands and unable to control the sounds he was making until his whole body tensed and he orgasmed, accompanied by a loud moan of Hyungwon's name and an accidental action of pushing the dancers head against his groin.

_ Fuck. Why would you do that?  _

“Oh God, I'm so sorry,” he murmured, absolutely embarrassed and wishing for the soft sheets to swallow him.

Hyungwon sucked his way upwards, as if he didn't want a single drop to go to waste and smiled brightly as soon as he let Hoseok's dick fall out of his mouth.

“You're delicious,” the black-haired man whispered and licked over his lips. “The sounds you make get to me. It's so different from the way it usually is. I don't care about myself at all, I just want to make you feel so good, see you lose your coherency and moan my name even more.

“No, you are. I want to hear more of the music you're able to make,” he whispered and slipped off the bed to sink to his knees, clashing their lips together. He licked into Hyungwon's mouth eagerly, tasting himself.

“We really sound like those romance movies, saying how amazing the other person is while secretly kissing behind closed doors.” Hyungwon giggled and gestured for Hoseok to sit on the bed again. “I thought I could ride your fingers and if you like me as much as you say, you'd be hard enough to be inside of me then.”

_ What if you can’t get hard? Will he think that you don't like him? _

“This is not a proper sign of me liking you!” Hoseok exclaimed and sat on the bed, folding his hands on top of his crotch. It felt better like this because he felt super naked when they weren’t doing anything sexual. 

“Well, it's a sign that you find me sexually attractive, isn't it?” Hyungwon asked and tilted his head to the side. Crawling closer, the dancer wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled it away carefully, eyes remaining on his face. “Are you ashamed of being seen by me? You're really beautiful, Hoseok, even when you're not hard. I also like the smooth skin and the way it feels under my fingertips. You even cut yourself a little, can I kiss the spot?”

Hoseok felt so stupid for cutting himself and even more stupid that Hyungwon immediately found out. Chewing on his lips, he nodded shyly.

“I’ll make it feel better,” Hyungwon whispered and placed his palms on top of his thighs to spread them a little. The small cut was at the side, below his shaft and Hyungwon used his right hand to lift his penis and access it, plump lips kissing it softly. But the dancer didn't stop there. His left hand began stroking over his thigh and full lips covered his groin in soft touches, tender and so pleasant.

_ He makes everything better. _

When Hyungwon's hand slipped along the side of his thigh the black-haired man lifted his head and started at him. “What's this?” Hyungwon asked and brushed his fingertips over the scratch marks on his skin, covering the side of his thigh in red lines.

_ Ah, the scratches. _

“I got them from having sex,” he murmured and looked to the side. It sounded like he got an STD.

“What?” Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he leaned to the side to have a proper look at the marks, lips pulling together in dissatisfaction. “Did he hurt you, Hoseok? Did he apologise for scratching your skin like that? It's only okay if you enjoy being scratched, but you're so sensitive and- I hate him so much.” 

_ But isn't this what sex is supposed to be like?  _

Pouting in frustration, Hyungwon stroked over his thighs, back and forth without applying pressure. “I want to make it better.”

“I thought it was supposed to be like this. They'll heal, I guess. I hope. I'm sorry that you're disturbed by that. Do you also want to scratch? But please not at the same spot.” He was sensitive when it came to pain.

Hyungwon's eyes turned even wider and he shook his head furiously.

“It’s not supposed to be like that! You have sex the way you like it! There are no real rules to it. I tend to scratch, but that's because I feel so good and can't keep track of what I'm doing with my hands. I might have scratched you when you fingered me accidentally because it felt so good. But I won't if it hurts you! The point is to feel good and not in pain. Pain can be a nice combination for some, but also not for everybody.” Inhaling sharply, the black-haired man spread his legs a little more and licked along the scratches of his left thigh, following the lines carefully. “I'll make them feel better.”

“But what about you? I want you to feel pleasure, not to care about my scratches or whatever.” Sighing, he covered his groin again, looking down at the beautiful black-haired man.

_ Why can't you just do things as well as you can play cello? It's kind of useless isn't it, if you're not able to do anything else apart from that.  _

“Hoseok, I'll scream your name as soon as you're inside me. Can't I keep my sanity for a little longer and take care of you?” Hyungwon smiled beautifully and licked over the marks on his skin again, tongue tracing each line and warming it up, accompanied by hot breaths. The dancer's eyes were closed, as if he focused on the sensation only and didn't need to see. “I want to become a part of you so badly.”

“I want to be one with you too. I keep thinking about it. I thought about it, how it would feel if it was you instead of him. Because you were the one I wanted.” His breaths got quicker with every movement of Hyungwon's tongue, warmth traveling towards his groin and fueling a new wave of arousal.

“I-” Hyungwon swallowed and licked over the scratches one last time before glancing up and meeting his gaze. “I'm in love with you.”

Hoseok froze in place, overwhelmed and deeply touched. His gaze rested on Hyungwon's beautiful features, his big eyes round nose and plump lips that whispered the confession at him. It was the first time Hoseok had heard someone saying those words to him. No one ever confessed being in love with him and he had never said that he was in love with somebody either.

“You are? How do you know?” he asked quietly, reaching for the soft cheek.

Hyungwon smiled brightly and covered Hoseok's hand with his own, unable to hide the sudden burst of happiness.

“Because I've never felt like this before, it's exactly the way people describe it. I want to see you all the time, I only want you, I feel jealous and hurt when you are with somebody else. Every thought in my mind is about you, how to meet you, what I could do for you. Even my dance performances are planned with you in mind. I thought I couldn't really love, but I am in love with you, Hoseok.”

_ But you feel the same way. All of it is the same. _

“If that's how it feels, then… I guess I'm in love with you too,” Hoseok whispered, barely breathing from the way his heart attempted to jump out of his chest. Everything he considered  familiar crumbled in front of his eyes after the spoken words. There was no friendship anymore, no comfortable reality he could construct for himself with his feelings friend and the meetings they had that he considered innocent and acceptable. There was nothing like this, only him and his romantic feelings for another man.

_ You're in love with him. _

 

***

_ You confessed. _

Hyungwon’s heart was hammering in his chest, enough to see it in the regular shivers of his fingers and to hear it louder than his thoughts. He had finally said it, uttered words that meant the world to people, words that were supposed to be scary, revealing, the source of change. They didn’t seem that dramatic to him, at least not beyond the excitement rushing through his veins instead of blood.

The way he felt about Hoseok wasn’t going to change through saying the words, it had been there before. Revealing the words wasn’t scary because it was the truth, Hyungwon always spoke the truth and this time it was even something mutual because Hoseok loved him too.

_ He loves you too. _

He couldn’t fight the corners of his mouth as they moved apart and revealed the happiness that he had felt from the inside on his features. Hyungwon wasn’t scared of their relationship changing either, it had already changed gradually at the same speed that their feelings towards each other changed. Hyungwon finally knew what it felt like, how exciting it was to be in love, to care so much about another person that it almost hurt.

He stood up and brushed over Hoseok’s gorgeous face, thumb drawing circles on the other man’s cheek as he climbed on top  of his lap, enjoying the warmth of his thighs and the way the other man’s erection brushed over his own. Hyungwon wanted to be close so bad, to melt into Hoseok and become one single entity, to find out if it felt as good as his body kept telling him it would.

Maybe love was instinctual, something that happened automatically and humans obeyed it like they obeyed hormones.

“Our feelings are always mutual, aren’t they?” he whispered and leaned in to kiss Hoseok’s curved lips, to taste them and engrave the sensation in his memories. He wanted to know everything about the blonde man, become an expert to make him happy, to be the cause of the angel-like smile that had made him feel these unusual feelings for the first time. “Let me share the words like we share the feelings.”

Deepening the kiss, he tried again, gasping the words into the connection between their mouths.

“I love you, Hoseok.”

“I love you too,” Hoseok mouthed and kissed him, strong arms curling around his waist and warm fingers stroking over his lower back and his ass. “I'm so nervous. I want to be this confident guy who knows exactly what you like, but I'm not. I could play cello for you but that's not your ‘kink’.”

How Hoseok could think that him playing cello was anything but a kink was a mystery. Not only once had Hyungwon found himself aroused after a practice session that mostly consisted of dancing and watching Hoseok play.

“But you don't have to be confident, I can be confident for both of us. I can show you what I like and you will be amazing at it, just like last time.” He rolled his hips forward and licked over the shell of Hoseok's ear. His voice sounded breathy and he was sure the cellist liked it. Hyungwon wanted to hear him moan because of how he felt from the inside. “Also, I love you playing cello, so it's totally my kink. Next time you'll play cello naked and I'll jerk off.” 

“Oh my… god.” Hoseok whispered and his dick twitched. It must've been arousing enough. “Can I… try the thing I did last time? Or do you want to… just sit on me?”

Hyungwon chuckled loudly, aware that pain could be nice, but sitting down on Hoseok's dick without preparation definitely wasn't.

“It'll hurt if I just sit down on you. That's why you'll finger me, first with one and then two, maybe three, because you are pretty thick. But thickness is great because it will be easier for you to hit the spot.” He kissed Hoseok's face and licked over the curved mouth while his right hand wrapped around both of their dicks to give them a few strokes. Nunu had once called the process throwing the steak on the fire.

“You'll have to lube up your fingers and I'll sink down on them.”

Hoseok made quick work, grabbing the lube and coating his fingers. He looked hesitant, but after a few seconds, Hyungwon could feel the other man's warm digits stroke over his crack, testing out how it felt. Arousal was apparent on Hoseok's face just like the ragged breaths that hit his face regularly.

“Like this?” Hoseok asked and pushed against his entrance, slipping one finger inside and moaning even though it should've been him. Watching his face intently, the gorgeous, blonde man pushed his finger deeper and curled it, searching for the spot. He must have remembered from last time as he found it pretty fast, pressing down and looking him in the eyes.

Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time he moaned right into somebody's face, eyes locked, without it being purposeful. His eyes widened and he buried his hands in Hoseok's shoulders accidentally, responding to the spark of pleasure.

“Yes,” he breathed out and rolled his hips once, enjoying the way Hoseok's finger felt against his rim and the electricity-like pleasure that passed through him. “Just like that.”

His response must've removed Hoseok's hesitation, as he rubbed against his prostate while licking over his lips and pulling him close with his free hand.

It felt so fucking good that he threw his head back and didn't even pay attention whether he moaned loudly. He just moaned, basking in the sensations. The only thing he focused on were his hands that held onto the blonde man's shoulders, he didn't want to hurt him, he cared unlike that French guy.

“Oh God, I think you sound better than my cello,” Hoseok murmured. “Do you want more?”

“Yes, fuck, please,” he gasped and moved his hips on his own, lifting up only to slide back down and bury Hoseok's finger inside of him. It felt amazing and more was going to be even better. “It feels so good that I'm scared to forget how much strength I'm putting into my hands. Is this okay for you or still strange because you're inside my body?”

“I- I just want you. So badly,” the blonde man hissed in his face and removed his digit, only to push two inside his body carefully. Hoseok treated him like an instrument, with care and affection. The skilled fingertips found their target and started rubbing and pushing against it.

His whole body jerked because of the unexpected onslaught of pleasure and he almost yelled out loud, low voice echoing off the walls. His thighs were still shivering even when the effect of surprise was over. Hyungwon wasn't used to people being any good at fingering, usually he did it himself or spent valuable time educating people. He really liked educating people.

“Shit, I love the way you rub it,” he praised and glanced down between his legs and at the drop of precum that had developed on his tip and ran down his shaft. Fuck, this was really good. He gasped and gestured downwards with his head to show the blonde man. “Look how you make me feel.”

“Do you know how you make me feel?” Hoseok whispered, lifting his gaze and performing another awesome movement with his fingers. The blonde man seemed eager, black eyes eating him up before he leaned closer and sucked his nipple into his hot mouth.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and trembled again while his legs sped up all on their own, increasing the motion and the fiction. His eyes rose to meet Hoseok's and he moaned once more. “How do I make you feel?”

“I want to melt into you so badly, to feel all of you and to finally know what it's like to feel the same while having your body around me, showing me.” Swallowing, Hoseok removed his hand and showed him three fingers.

“Do it,” Hyungwon gasped and felt impatience building. Shit, he wanted Hoseok so much, to touch him, to listen to him moan while he slowly buried himself inside of his body. The way their skin colours contrasted was beautiful and Hyungwon wanted to mention it, to share the thought, but instead only a loud moan escaped, a reaction to being filled out by three digits at once that easily found his pleasure spot. “Shit, I want you to fuck me.”

“I want to give you so much pleasure that you stop thinking and just make music,” the blonde man replied. Hoseok was getting impatient, pulling him further against his lap and rubbing against his sensitive spot with vigor. Hyungwon loved the urgency, so much that he decided to tease Hoseok a little.

Moaning softly, he reached behind himself and held onto Hoseok's wrist while slowly lifting up, all the way until only the tips of the blonde man's fingers were inside of him. His body screamed at him to move, so he did, sliding down roughly and screaming in pleasure. His eyes remained opened to watch Hoseok's response, to see how much the other man wanted him.

“Just- just sit on me, oh god, please, please, Hyungwon.” The low voice sounded so desperate and attractive.

“Nothing I'd rather do,” he whispered into Hoseok's protruding ear and licked along the shell while lifting his hips. Grabbing a tissue from the drawer, he wiped over Hoseok's fingers and threw the used paper somewhere behind himself. He might not have looked like it but he was just as impatient if not more. He had wanted to feel Hoseok since day one if he was honest, for different reasons but he had wanted him nevertheless. Smiling a little, he pushed against the muscular chest to have Hoseok lying on the bed. 

“Let me get you ready,” he murmured and ripped a condom package with his teeth before sliding it over Hoseok's gorgeous dick. It was thick and pulsating, probably because the blonde man was aroused beyond belief. Hyungwon couldn't wait to feel it pulsating inside of him, right where it felt good.

Pouring a good amount of lube right over the blonde man's erection, he added a bit to his fingers too, rubbing them over his ass before lifting up and lining up the gorgeous dick with his behind.

“Ready? It'll be super tight,” he murmured and couldn't suppress the way his legs began trembling in anticipation. He was addicted to pleasure. He never told anybody, but sex was his special interest in addition to dance, he loved knowing everything about it.

“I'm not ready, but there's nothing I want more, please,” the low voice whispered before Hoseok rolled his eyes as soon as he lined up, twitching right against his rim. It was so fucking hot, so Hyungwon tried to make him do it again, rubbing the length against his crack without pushing inside.

_ Shit, you're riling yourself up. You shouldn't lose it and jump on his dick if he's sensitive. _

A gorgeous, breathy moan left the curved lips while he felt another twitch against his fingers and ass.

“Please let me,” Hoseok begged.

_ Holy shit.  _

Hyungwon couldn't say no to that, never, and shit, he didn't even want to. Applying pressure to the head of Hoseok's erection, he relaxed as much as he was able to with all that excitement and focused on the way the breech felt. The head was the thickest part and therefore the one that created the most fiction against his rim, making him gasp and almost fall to the side. He was never this sensitive or affected, but the way Hoseok reacted to him riled him up beyond belief.

_ You want him to scream like you do. _

Hoseok's ‘oh my god ‘ transitioned into a full blown moan, thighs trembling and hands tightening around his waist. It felt amazing and silently Hyungwon hoped that the blonde man would put his muscular arms to good use and slowly push him down, make him settle right on top of Hoseok's lap.

“Do you want more?” he asked, but couldn't resist contracting around the tip of Hoseok's dick, giving him a preview of how full he was going to feel. He still couldn't believe that the cellist really wanted to sleep with him, despite all his prior hesitation.

“Oh god, yes!” Hoseok exclaimed and moved his hips, slipping a little further and moaning gorgeously. Hyungwon loved the unrestrained response, the way the blonde man seemed to be losing his mind.

It was impossible to suppress a hiss as he repositioned and slipped lower, filling himself out slowly until his thighs finally touched Hoseok's muscular ones, body warmth mingling. Holy shit.

“Oh my god, give me some time to get used to you and then I'll move,” he whispered before his words transformed into a whimper because Hoseok twitched inside of him, right against where it felt good.

“I think I'm losing my mind,” he heard Hoseok whisper, eyes rolling back and thick erection twitching inside him once again. Hyungwon couldn't help but observe the gorgeous face, Hoseok's parted lips, the small drops of sweat that developed on his forehead, creating beautiful light reflections on the blonde man's skin. Hyungwon had never been this attentive, not if it wasn't to figure whether his partner enjoyed what he was doing. Licking over his lips, he relaxed and contracted again while stroking along Hoseok's shoulders carefully, without really touching him. It was the ghost of a caress.

“Why do I feel like passing out? This is out worldly. Am I even breathing?” Hoseok's eyes opened and focused on his face, pupils taking up all the space and hips moving in careful circles under him.

_ How does he know? Did you tell him?  _

Hyungwon moaned and his eyes fluttered shut until he forced them to open again. This was the most intimate moment in sex for him, being connected without mind-blowing pleasure stealing his awareness yet. Before he had kept the moment as brief as possible, but now he found himself enjoying it, loving the eye contact and the connection between them. He really felt close to Hoseok like this, a part of him.

“You are breathing,” he replied and brushed his fingers over Hoseok's cheek and under his pretty nose with heart-shaped nostrils. There were quick puffs of air tickling his skin. “You won't faint, only explode. I'll make you feel so good, Hoseok, you can't even imagine.”

“And I'll try to make you lose awareness, to only feel me. I hope I can.” The blonde man reached for his thighs, stroking over them and travelling up to his stomach and chest. Isolating his index finger, Hoseok rubbed over one of his nipples, hips still circling under him, accompanied by hisses and muffled moans.

“Sex- sex didn't feel like this before,” Hyungwon forced out and threw his head back, hands holding onto Hoseok's shoulders to not bend too far. His thighs were trembling from the simultaneous sensations and he couldn't wait anymore, even if he liked edging. Lifting his hips until only the head of Hoseok's erection was inside of him, he rolled his hips once before slipping back down. It wasn't right on the spot but the blonde man was big enough to make it feel good anyway. He moaned loudly and leaned forward, resting his forehead against Hoseok's and breathing roughly.

“Shit, I might die,” he mumbled and repeated the motion. At this point he was a little scared of Hoseok hitting dead on. He didn't want to lose his senses too much and scratch over the blonde man's sensitive skin while moving quickly because he wanted more.

“Let's die together, okay?” Hoseok whispered and curled his hands around his hips, lifting him a little and rolling him over his thick erection, movement accompanied by a gorgeous low moan. It felt so fucking good that his body trembled and simply lost all muscle strength for a second until he caught himself and straightened up. His hands were flat on Hoseok's chest while he still attempted to keep himself from scratching over it.

“Fuck, I won't be able to think once you hit, shit, why am I like this?” Exhaling roughly, he focused his eyes on Hoseok's face, how attentive the other man suddenly seemed, as if Hyungwon's resistance to letting go brought him back from nirvana.

“I want to see it. I want to see how you lose your mind, you said I'm a safe person for you, then please show me.” Repeating the motion, Hoseok leaned in and sucked his nipple into his hot mouth. Hyungwon's hands curled into the soft skin and he moaned loudly, automatically doing what he always did, shifting his hips and slamming them down. He screamed and was barely aware of the way his hands slid down Hoseok's chest. Fuck.

“I- shit- I don't want to hurt you, but- please can I do that again? Please, please, please. Oh my god.” Hyungwon really tried to control himself, to think about the things Hoseok liked and disliked, but the way the blonde man moved inside of him erased everything in a single second and pulled desperate screams and moans from his lips. It felt so fucking good. “I'll- I'll lift my hands or something, anything, please. I want you so much, Hoseok. Fuck me.”

“It never hurts when you touch me,” the blonde man replied and thrust into him from below, holding his hips in place.

“Shit, yes-” Hyungwon yelled and threw his head back, hands resting on the mattress to keep the angle that the blonde man kept blessing him with. His brain was mush apart from the sparks of pleasure that electrified his whole body and made him scream. It was so easy to let go, as if Hoseok only needed to tell him, mind turning off and focusing on the pleasure and the hot hands holding onto his hips.

“Should I take over?” the low voice whispered in his ear, warm air hitting the shell and as Hoseok's hot tongue licked over his ear lobe. “You show me how you like it and I'll move.”

Hyungwon couldn't reply, so he nodded furiously and lifted his hips to slip off Hoseok's thick dick. His body was trembling and he attempted to catch his breath while crawling to the side and throwing himself on the mattress, legs lifting up in the air.

“Shit, okay, place your legs next to my body and hold my legs up while you fuck me. Please.”

Hoseok nodded and crawled on top of the bed, arranging his muscular thighs on each side of his ass and holding onto his legs, bending him in half as he liked it. It was new to see the blonde man this eager and impatient. Hyungwon could relate because he felt the same way.

“Yes, just like that,” he moaned and grabbed a fistful of sheets, occupying his hands because he knew exactly that he was going to forget his own name in a matter of seconds. “Start moving slow and then speed up, I don't think I'll be able to talk once you're inside of me. I love you, it was amazing knowing you.”

“Just make music, play for me.” Hoseok lined up and pushed himself inside his body, moaning but paying attention to his movements. It took a few seconds before he was completely filled out, muscular thighs touching his ass. 

Hyungwon whimpered at the sensation, trembling and contracting around Hoseok's dick uncontrollably. It felt so fucking good, the hands around his legs, the hot thighs, the ethereal face, the dark eyes staring at him, the pretty nose. The cellist was so beautiful, he had never been that mesmerised by looking at another person.

“I'll play once you move,” he whispered and attempted to push his hips closer, but he had no leverage. “Please fuck me, you- you feel so good inside of me.”

Hoseok sucked in a breath, twitching inside him once, before he moved back and rolled his hips into him, moaning and tightening his grip on his legs. Moaning and fueled by his intense response, the blonde man picked up the pace, slamming his hips into his body and forcing the pleasure to explode inside him.

Hyungwon screamed, vision blurring and lips releasing a mixture of screams and words, but he couldn't be sure that they got across. His whole body was burning and he wanted nothing more than to let go and melt into the feeling, the urgency within him and between his legs. It wasn't even necessary to stroke himself, he could feel his orgasm building all on its own, rushing through his veins towards the center of his body and exploding behind his eyelids. He couldn't even warn Hoseok in time, contracting around the thickness inside of him and scratching over the sheets as precum mixed with his release and covered his own stomach in white. He was overly sensitive and whimpered, shaking in Hoseok's hold.

“God, you're stunning,” Hoseok groaned and moved inside him, but slower, more sensual while watching him, moaning right into his face.

Hyungwon's body continued to tremble as he forced himself to keep his eyes open, to watch the blonde man's face and the small drop of sweat that developed on his forehead and travelled down his nose. Hyungwon couldn't remember if he had ever been this attentive with any of his previous partners, this fascinated by the sight and the emotions he felt. It wasn't pleasure only, it was also the knowledge that it was Hoseok, the man he had fallen in love with for the first time. It was the man he felt safe with, at ease, accepted.

“Come inside me,” he whispered and smiled a little. If only he could feel Hoseok's rough breaths against his skin.

“Yes, fuck, yes,” Hoseok groaned and picked up the pace, slamming his hips into his body and letting his hands roam all over him. A few moments passed, filled with loud exhales and attractive moans before Hoseok buried himself deep inside him, pulling his body against his groin and twitching repeatedly. Suddenly Hoseok's hands landed next to his head and he stared at him, eyes big and full of wonder. ‘I love you,’ he mouthed.

It was overwhelming, the expression, the intensity of the gaze, the loud heartbeats in his ears. Hyungwon had never felt as appreciated and loved as he did at that moment, seeing the affection in Hoseok's eyes. He didn't need to be good at reading emotions to understand.

“I love you too,” he whispered and trembled again, sensitive to the smallest of motions inside his body. It was the first time that he had sex with somebody he loved, as it was written in books. “This is the first time I’ve felt like this, Hoseok.”

“I don't know what to feel, everything is so overwhelming. It's too much, but you're not. You're perfect,” the beautiful blonde man whispered and sunk down on top of him, lips pressing tender kisses all over his face.

Hyungwon was sure that if he ever had to describe what happiness felt like to another person, this exact moment would have been the answer.

_

Hyungwon felt excited, legs running faster than his eyes were able to process the buildings that passed him by. Usually he would have taken a bike, but Nunu was the one to drive it and this time his friend was busy with a preparation for the end of the year performance. Hyungwon also had to prepare, but he was less worried and would choreograph his part when the emotions were right. It was sad and he wasn't sad enough at the moment, being close to Hoseok made that basically impossible.

_ If only there wasn’t the fact that he thinks you're absolutely normal. _

He successfully turned around the corner at his current speed without crashing into a wall and managed to enter the lecture hall just before the designated time, bright smile on his lips and notebook and pen ready to draw instead of taking notes. He needed it to focus.

_ You still miss Nunu, it is terrible on your own. _

“Funny, I thought you were attached to that cellist, by the hip,” the girl next to him commented. At first Hyungwon was surprised because she hadn't even said hi or done any of the typical conversation starters. Only when his eyes fell on her blue pullover, did he understand that it was the girl that helped him with his Hoseok messaging issue back then. She looked different though, not surprised and not friendly either. It was impossible to put the expression anywhere.

“I can't be attached to him by the hip, we're not siamese twins,” he pointed out and remembered the fact that Europeans struggled to tell apart people of his race. Maybe that's what she thought, that Hoseok and him were twins.

“I'm aware of that, I just meant that you're surprisingly close. Do you think he'll help you graduate, considering that you don't make any proper notes?” Frowning at him, the girl covered her own notes with her elbow and moved a little further away. It was surprisingly hostile, especially considering that the girl had helped him before.

_ Have you upset her somehow?  _

“Did I make you sad? Did you want to be close to me?” he asked and moved a little closer, tilting his head in question.

“What the fuck, no!” was the immediate reply, followed by some more distance and the beginning of the lecture. Hyungwon had no idea what had happened or why the girl he had talked to before and always sat next to suddenly didn't like him anymore.

The knowledge broke his concentration and made it impossible to focus on the lecture, thoughts jumping from one possibility to the next, but none of them made any sense. Hyungwon had never done anything directly related to the girl and once he left the hall he just wanted to curl up and cry, ask for forgiveness or at least understand what had happened to be hated so much.

Instead of going home, he walked to the small green space that connected a few buildings and wrapped his arms around a tree, breathing heavily and attempting to forget about everything else. He missed his friends and he especially missed Hoseok.

“Why the fuck are you hugging a tree, Hyungwon? Didn't Hoseok do it right yesterday? Cut him some slack, he's inexperienced in gay,” Kihyun’s low voice murmured as he felt a strong grip on his shoulder, pulling him away.

Hyungwon shook his head furiously and attempted to remain attached to the tree, fingers getting scratched on the tree bark. He didn't even realise, too busy thinking about how wrong Kihyun was because Hoseok had been and still was wonderful. The cellist was the most beautiful person alive and the one that Hyungwon needed the most.

“No,” he whispered and shook his head again, teeth chewing on his bottom lip. “Hoseok was wonderful and he still is. I don't want to use him to finish my studies, I love him.”

“Why would you use him to finish your studies? He plays cello and you dance, you literally have nothing in common. I’m glad that it was awesome, I started feeling bad because he looked so happy this morning, it was almost too cheesy for my taste.” The black-haired man chuckled, attempting to remove him from the tree.

“That's what the girl said, that I use him to finish my studies because I never take notes.” Hyungwon wanted to cry, but because he couldn't just cry in the middle of nowhere, he wrapped his arms tighter around the tree. He couldn't just let go and wrap himself around people that he wasn't close to. Hoseok wasn't there and neither was Nunu. He was alone.

Did the girl say that because Hoseok still believed that he was normal? Did she think Hyungwon was lying to the blonde man? It hadn't been intentional! He had tried to tell him, but Hoseok just didn't believe him. “She probably thinks I'm terrible and lying to him. But I'm not, I love him.”

“Okay, I think you're confused, let's go for a coffee.” Pulling harshly, Kihyun managed to drag him away from the tree and curled his fingers around his shoulder, trying to look into his eyes. It wasn't hard because the black-haired man was short and only needed to look up. But Hyungwon really hated eye contact, it made him uncomfortable, so he glanced to the side, breathing heavily.

“What's wrong, Hyungwon? Did something happen? Is there anything specific I have to do?” Shaking him a little, Kihyun stepped closer.

_ You need to calm down, but there is no way to calm down. _

“I need Hoseok,” he whispered and swallowed, scared that he would have a meltdown in the middle of campus. It shouldn't have been that bad. The sound of students talking wasn't that bad, Kihyun wasn't that bad, he was actually a friend, but still his brain felt like it was on overdrive. His temples throbbed and Hoseok's wrong impression that he was just like everybody else weighted down on him.

_ He’d know if you'd just break down right here. Everybody would know. _

“But he has practice now and so does Nunu. You guys can't be seen together anyway because he doesn't want to go to Australia and he hasn't come up with a good enough explanation for his dad yet because ‘things got more complicated’ whatever that means. I'm not the most openly affectionate person out here, but I'll feed you cake and listen to your worries, so let's go, okay?” Curling his warm fingers around his wrist, Kihyun pulled him a little.

_ Hoseok can't be close to you in public and Nunu is at practise. _

The outlook sounded terrible, so Hyungwon wrapped his arms around Kihyun’s neck and hid his face in the crook of it. The scent wasn't familiar, but the person was. He knew Kihyun, he liked Kihyun and Kihyun was his friend, and Hoseok's friend.

“You're my friend,” he muttered and tried to block out all sounds and especially thoughts.

“Yeah, we even cuddled, remember? When Hoseok lost his shit? Fun times.” The black-haired man hugged back, stroking over his head in regular motions. He must've picked it up from Nunu.

_ He’s doing well. _

Hyungwon smiled a little and nodded, relaxing in the other man's embrace. Kihyun was a little short, but the black-haired man had the strength to make up for it.

“I was also losing my shit when we cuddled. Stroking people's skin and making them fall asleep calms me down.” Rubbing his nose over the other man's neck, he relaxed some more and began to slowly focus on the noises around them. There was wind and students talking. There was whispering too, not far away from them. “Are they talking about us?”

“Yeah, I would go there and make them regret it, but you're like a monkey, so I have to concentrate on that. You know, when I started school here, people hated on Hoseok, literally all the time, and I had a hard time going around and reminding people that they're trash. I think it's easy to just ride the wave and make someone miserable, but it takes courage and strength to protect the people you like. I like you, so they'll get a fist. Not literally, but they definitely will.” Chuckling, Kihyun hugged him tighter, arms sinking lower and resting on his waist, probably because of the height difference.

“Why would they be mean to Hoseok? He's wonderful and he only plays cello and doesn't hurt anybody,” he muttered and immediately wanted to cry again because people were mean to somebody as fragile as Hoseok. The blonde man had to be taken care of and treated with love instead of hurtful comments. “I don't care if they are mean to me, but they shouldn't be to Hoseok. Is it because he is my love? The girl said I'm attached to his hip.”

“Huh? I said two years ago. Also don't worry, Hoseok didn't care because he didn't talk to people and thought they only think like that because they're jealous. Which is probably true, but oh well. Why would someone butt into your private matters? It's definitely none of her business whether you're hanging around with him or not. Don't let yourself be confused by people who try to shift their own insecurities to you. It's their problem, not yours.” Kihyun stroked over his head and leaned back, smiling genuinely.

“That- makes sense. But what insecurities and why would they shift them? That sounds complicated. Isn't it because she thinks it is the truth and therefore shares it with me? Shouldn't I think about this?” The whole matter was complicated and Hyungwon distracted himself by curling a strand of Kihyun’s hair around his index finger. “Why did people hate Hoseok back then? People hated me for ‘not knowing boundaries and being a whore’.” A girl said it to him once and he remembered the words clearly.

“I think people forgot that they can get hit for cursing at other people.” Kihyun shook his head. “They thought that he was arrogant and thought of himself as a better person, even though he actually didn't think anything at all, bedsides how to play better. The cello was the only thing he was ever interested in and people get offended because they don't get attention, you know? This girl only told you to make you feel bad because there's something she feels bad about inside her. She tries to make you feel like shit to get rid of it, but it doesn't work, it never works, it only makes you more bitter.”

“That's so terrible,” Hyungwon whispered as his eyes widened. He couldn't imagine saying mean things to other people. He only said things when they were the truth and others considered them mean, but hurting somebody was never his real intention. “Is there no way to make her feel better, so that she doesn't say mean things? I could buy her a coffee or something blue, she likes blue.”

“You can't. Not really, don't waste your resources on someone who doesn't even care enough to watch their words.” Sighing, the black-haired man let go.

“Will you drink coffee with me now?” Hyungwon asked carefully and dared to look around. A few people glanced in their direction but looked away again. Maybe they felt uncomfortable being stared at, that conclusion was nicer than them having bad thoughts about him. “Thank you, Kihyun, you're really nice to me even though I have certain issues. It means a lot. I wish Hoseok would believe me, but still like me.”

“Huh? What should he believe?” Curling his warm fingers around his wrist, Kihyun pulled him in the direction of the cafe, glaring at a guy who pointed his finger at him. The dude looked away, Kihyun must've looked scary.

“That I'm disabled,” he replied and thought about the piece of paper that proved it. He could have shown Hoseok, but what if it scared the blonde man? It didn't say anything particular, only that Hyungwon was disabled. There was no information that said that it was reading emotions and social situations that he had a problem with.

“Ah, about your condition? Why? He doesn't believe it? You want him to understand? Then talk to him about it, about what it means to you and to him.” Smiling, the black-haired man nodded and pulled him into a cafe next to the instrumental faculty.

“But I'm scared,” he whispered and swallowed audibly. It was loud in his ears and gave him the sensation that there was only him, so he did it again. The dark eyes focused on him as Kihyun turned around to face him.

“Why?”

“Because his dad will hate me even more than he does, and then Hoseok can’t convince him and then Hoseok will think the same way. I’m scared that he’ll think it’s terrible because his dad does, because I really am disabled.” The words hurt and Hyungwon struggled to breathe at first, air remaining stuck in his lungs and fingers shaking a little, enough for Kihyun to feel it through his tight grip around his wrist. There were many reasons why he was scared. There was the way Hoseok had been absolutely convinced that he wasn’t disabled and that it was the way to argue against his dad. The blonde man hadn’t sounded like there was anything he could have said in return if Hyungwon really was disabled. It sounded like being disabled was something final that didn’t allow the two of them to be together.

_ Like Romeo and Juliet. _

“Don't you think that Hoseok might not believe it because he thinks that you're like him? Like all of us? The story with his father is complicated and I'm unsure how he's going to solve this because his dad usually doesn't butt into his personal business. Maybe because Hoseok didn't have any personal business until now, I don't know. If his dad told him that you're disabled as a reason for not seeing you, which, by the way makes him a trash human, then Hoseok surely tried to come up with an explanation as to why this is complete nonsense. I think he's a little overwhelmed right now because he told me that he is in love with you and that he doesn't know what to do about it. Try to imagine being someone who simply sat around and played cello, until the door opened and a huge pile of stuff suddenly filled the room. You have no idea what to start with, is it better to remove the things that make you uncomfortable, or concentrate on the nice things that are among the stuff littering you room? In the end you just want to play cello. Yeah. That's Hoseok.” Kihyun nodded at the waiter with a bright smile and ordered two coffees.

Hyungwon thought about it, tried to imagine what it would be like to have his room covered in things that weren’t there before, maybe even his bed arranged differently than he was used to. It sounded terrifying, simply because any kind of change was terrible. Hyungwon hated change, he hated it when something he was used to disappeared or when something he expected was suddenly cancelled. Unexpected visits were bad too because he lost all grasp of the situation, even if the person visiting was a good one.

_ Maybe that is how he feels, something good came to him, but it’s unexpected. _

“I would curl up and space out,” he muttered, still preoccupied with the image, “Changes are terrible to me, hurtful even. I either wait until they disappear or until I have gotten used to them. The second can be very difficult. It must be so terrible for Hoseok if he thinks like me. Everything changing at once. I’d be so helpless. I’m sorry for making him go through this. Sex was always easy for me because it’s my way to learn human emotions and it’s really fascinating and logical. That’s why I read and experimented a lot. But for him it is obviously new, I can tell. Sex itself isn’t for me, but doing it with somebody that I care so much about is. It’s scary too, because I keep thinking about him and whether he will be hurt or upset. I think I’ll lose my grip if he leaves me, so I hug a tree and hope that he won’t.”

“I don't think Hoseok is scared of change, I think that being in love with you is something that makes his previous idea of himself and his future superfluous. That is indeed scary. You must know, because in the end it's always the fear of being different, not like the others, not getting the same response or chances like others, standing out in a negative light, those things. He needs time to understand what it means for him and his life, because unfortunately we're living in a society where being different means that it sucks.” Kihyun looked strange, spaced out, watching something outside of the cafe. He must've been uncomfortable with the topic.

Hyungwon nodded until he realized that Kihyun couldn’t see and hummed instead. His right hand reached out to cover the back of the other man’s hand, warm under his own. He wasn’t too sure if it was something that made Kihyun feel better, but it was the way he knew how to show compassion. Almost all of his emotions were shown through bodily contact, he had learned that it was better than simply crying.

“For me it had been less of a problem than being autistic. My family didn’t mind my preferences and at first they just thought I like kissing everything and everyone, but after puberty it got more obvious. They didn’t mind and the comments at school didn’t change much. I got some before and I got them after, only that the direction changed towards ‘slut’. I don’t know why people do this, but sometimes I am lucky and can’t see it. You seem very attentive, but I wish you couldn’t see it either.”

“Not seeing sounds kind of nice. At least if one is able to turn the attention back on again. I guess it's not a choice, right? I think you're cool, Hyungwon.” Kihyun’s hand moved under his own and the black-haired man smiled genuinely, eyes turning into crescents and making eye contact unnecessary.

“Huh? I’m cool? Why?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little and he tilted his head because that was how people showed confusion in movies the most. “You’re cool too because you’re super strong, even though you’re short. I’m just ignorant by birth, I don’t know whether that makes me particularly cool.”

“I wasn't talking about my impression of the last ten seconds, but after knowing you for the past few weeks. Drink your coffee.” Kihyun pulled his hand from under his grip and curled his fingers around the white cup. “I hope that Hoseok is okay,” the black-haired man murmured while staring outside.

“Why wouldn’t he be? Because of his dad? Is there something I can do? Maybe I can talk to that man? I’m scared, but I can write an email too, or ask my doctor to explain. She’s really cool, unlike me.” Chewing on his lips, Hyungwon wondered how much of the issues that the blonde man had to deal with were his fault. Kihyun looked worried and that was a bad sign in itself, even if the black-haired man got worried about all kinds of things. “I want to wrap around him and keep him safe.”

“I don't think you getting involved is a good idea. You can try wrapping around him though, he might like that.” Kihyun chuckled, but still looked worried.

Usually Hyungwon felt proud of himself for reading another person’s emotions, but at that moment he wished that he wasn’t. He wanted to feel at ease and happy that he was in love without the constant worry that something was going to happen, to take it away.

Kihyun looked like there was something going on with Hoseok and no matter how much Hyungwon tried and attempted to figure it out…

_ You’ll never know unless he tells you. _


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think Hyungwon could stop him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 3rd of July at 2 PM CET.  
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_ How can you become someone who is less respected and worthy of society overnight?  _

Hoseok's head hurt and he hadn't been able to sleep for the past few days, the same scary and unfamiliar thoughts visiting him every single moment he was awake. It even mirrored in his playing, composing seemed impossible and he continued playing scary pieces, works he considered confusing and that usually gave him a strange feeling.

_ Because you're the strange one. _

There was a clear difference between fooling around with a guy, being friends and being close, only going a little further than what he knew with Kihyun, easily accommodating to the thought that there was nothing wrong with that, to a full blown love confession. A change, a detrimental difference in his reality, implications for the future and a feeling of anxiety pulling at his insides, future unclear and consequences scary.

_ Not only are you gay, but you're in love with a man. It's here, you can't make it disappear. _

Suddenly he remembered the trumpet. It was a beautiful gold color with long, delicate fingers that stroked over it, removing any spec of dust and big, blue eyes that looked at him while the mouthpiece touched the pretty, wet lips, a small smile, an innocent look, brown locks, a touch. He stopped playing trumpet back then.

_ You couldn't handle it then. What makes you think you can handle it now?  _

Nothing. He ran off to Paris and he would have stayed there, if it wasn't for Kihyun. How could he be in love with a guy? Not only did he hear his father talk badly about homosexuality, his father also considered Hyungwon bad company, calling him disabled, whatever that was supposed to mean.

There were so many things going wrong, his father being against his friendship that wasn't one, his coming out to himself, his unclear future and life plan. He had been so sure that he was going to finish his studies and go to Vienna. Work there at the orchestra and be a successful cellist, but what now? Now he couldn't even bear spending three days without seeing Hyungwon. Sleeping with the beautiful dancer had been an out of this world experience, so overwhelming and intense that he sometimes caught himself thinking about a specific touch or expression, trying to memorise it. He was in love.

_ You have to take care of dad first. You won't be able to meet Hyungwon otherwise. Not without getting a plane ticket to Melbourne. _

Sighing, Hoseok finally stood up from the bed, picking comfortable clothes and making his way through the small park. He tightened his fingers around his phone and pressed it to his ear, waiting for the familiar voice to return his anxiety.

“I'm listening.” His father's low voice had this specific undertone, he must've been busy or not really in the mood to talk to him.

“I'm just calling to revise my response. I'm not going to stay away from him and the disability talk is ridiculous. He's completely normal and I like him. I don't want to go to Australia either, I'll finish my studies here and I'll concentrate on my performance, don't worry. I'm fine. I'll be fine,” he lied and counted to five, fingers shaking around the device.

“You don't know how social interaction works, Hoseok. You are a fool who should listen to what your father tells you, instead of acting rebelliously. You're too old for that and I don't have any tolerance towards such behavior. You will run after that dancer to correct his crooked perception, pick him up from the floor and deal with his unreasonable outbursts. You don't need friends like that. Stop with the nonsense and concentrate on the important things. I've seen it and you're simply blind or stupid, or both.” 

Hoseok never thought he would cry just because of something somebody said to him. He didn't know that words could hurt so badly, maybe it was the reason why Hyungwon cried so much.

_ Understandable. _

He wanted to say something reasonable, something rational and prove his point. Instead he almost sobbed into the phone. 

“Then I'll run after him, correct his crooked perception and pick him up from the floor,” he whispered and hung up. The tears ran down his cheek as he looked up and stared at the familiar door. Hoseok didn't imagine it like this, not at all. He thought he would come as a surprise looking happy and hugging the beautiful dancer just like the other man liked it. He even stopped thinking about what it meant to be gay.

A bitter smile passed his lips and he pressed his back against the wall, waiting until the tears stopped.

Suddenly a shadow appeared behind his closed eyelids and cold hands grabbed his face with a little more strength than should have been necessary.

“Oh no,” Hyungwon's beautiful low voice whispered and Hoseok could feel the dancer tremble as he spoke the words. “Is it because of me? I'll be better, I promise.”

Hoseok opened his eyes and wiped over his face hastily, focusing on the tall figure in front of him.

“No! Nothing is because of you, I'm just having a bad day but I wanted to surprise you, so I came, but then I started crying for no reason, I'm sorry,” he lied and curled his fingers around Hyungwon's slim wrist.

“It’s okay! If crying meant having a bad day, almost every day would be a bad day.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and brushed over his cheek before wrapping his arms around him, almost squishing him with the strength that he applied. “I will hug you tightly and then it should get better. You should also smell my neck and try to relax, that’s the best way. I can also stroke your hair until you fall asleep, but for that we would need to go to my dorm room, but I also like it here.”

The words were so weird considering their situation that Hoseok laughed despite his tears and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's waist.

“You're so funny, I love you,” he whispered before another wave of salt water gushed from his eyelids.

“I love you too!” Hyungwon exclaimed immediately and began to collect his tears by licking them off his face. The dancer giggled in between like he knew it was a little weird. “You taste like the sea, which is a good thing. You have to see it like this, all those poor tears inside your body also wanted to breathe fresh air once and now they have! You’ve done a great and liberating thing, Hoseok, so now we shall liberate your smile next.” Stroking over his hair, Hyungwon continued by placing kisses on his eyes which he closed in reflex and finally his lips, retaining the contact for a little longer.

“You are like a puppy, licking my face. Oh, when did you know that you were different from other people?” Hoseok asked, trying to get more information from someone who wasn't Kihyun and told him that being gay was normal and the heteros were the weird ones for thinking missionary is the way to live.

“Oh-” Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little and he played with a strand of Hoseok’s hair while glancing towards the dorm room door. Something changed in the dancer’s facial expression even though it remained friendly. “Well- when other kids didn’t really want to play with me in kindergarten because I was way too weird and only played with the same toy I guess, or expected everybody to play according to my rules. It wasn’t  _ that _ obvious to me though. I understood in school... when people started excluding me or talking badly about me out loud because I didn’t even realize.”

_ If you're gay you play with the same toy?  _

“You knew in Kindergarten that you were gay? Holy fuck, how?” His tears stopped and he simply stared at the handsome face in front of him, not understanding anything.

“W-what? I thought you...asked about me being different.” Hyungwon looked even more uncomfortable than after his first question and glanced towards the hallway again. The black-haired man accidentally pulled his hair a little too much, evoking a brief spark of pain in his scalp.

“You aren't weird, you're you. I meant because of your sexuality, most of the people around me are in male female relationships, so I thought I would marry one day too, but now I have no idea anymore. Everything is strange and new now and none of my previous thoughts fit. I just know that I love you. So much.” The last words were a whisper against Hyungwon's neck as he leaned in and buried his face in the other man's fragrant skin.

There was a brief chuckle as long fingers intertwined deeper with his hair and began to stroke over his head while another arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“Ah that,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed the top of his head. “Well, I never really thought about it much at first. I kissed everybody I liked and embraced whoever was nice to me. Eventually I learned about sex and realized that I love hugging women, but when it’s about pleasure I prefer a man. It was a little bit of a crisis when my family plan didn’t work out anymore. You know, this idea of what your future looks like? My plan was completely set with ages and everything, 18? That’s when I’ll meet the love of my life. 20? We’ll marry. 21? I’ll have my first child, probably a son because I say so. You can imagine how well that worked out.”

_ His plan was even more detailed than yours. _

Hoseok hummed into the soft skin and pressed a kiss against it.

“I told my dad that I won't stay away from you,” he whispered, body tensing as he remembered his father's words.

“Did he...want you to?” the black-haired dancer asked and placed another soft kiss on the top of his head. Everything about Hyungwon was so affectionate, the careful touches, the embrace, the way the other man stroked over his hair and nape.

“Yeah. I guess it's this typical thing parents do. Thinking that they know better for some reason. He might buy me a ticket to Melbourne, but I won't go.” Hoseok shook his head and lifted his gaze to look at Hyungwon. “I imagined being away from you and it literally feels like dying.”

“I feel the same,” was the immediate reply followed by a bright smile and arms that pulled him forwards, and after two attempts to open the door, they finally stumbled into the other man’s dorm room. “We always feel the same about things. It makes me so happy because it never really happens! This is the first time and I want to keep it forever. Will you stay with me forever? We can marry instead of you marrying a woman.”

“Are men allowed to get married?” he asked, inhaling Hyungwon's intoxicating fragrance that made him dizzy and at the same time left him wanting more, so much more. His arms curled around the slim waist and he connected their bodies, gasping at the way it felt. He got a little bolder, because he knew that the black-haired man felt the same.

“Ehm- yeah?” the dancer replied, but gasped at the way their bodies connected. Hoseok’s bravery conjured a smile on the pretty man’s face. “Did you miss the party? Nunu and I were celebrating when they finally allowed gay couples to get married in Germany. I celebrated with orange juice and he drank beer while we danced to Shakira and Britney Spears. It was amazing, somebody whose name I don’t know posted it on Instagram.”

Hoseok had no idea because he didn't use social media. Kihyun said it was good because people were only bitching around all the time.

“I have no idea, I'm not even sure I really wanted to marry, I think I wanted to end up like everybody else but without doing anything for that. Have you… thought about marrying a guy before, or are you just saying it to make me think that you're serious?“

Hyungwon pursed his lips like he felt personally insulted and pointed at his chest for no obvious reason.

“I am the person of plans, Hoseok. Of course I thought about it! I am the opposite of you, because I put a lot of effort into this. I had a list of things I needed to be happy and what I could offer and read it to random strangers until my mom pulled me away at high speed to avoid major public embarrassment. I have been basically ready to commit since I was ten.” The dancer giggled, features relaxing and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck before letting himself fall to the side, expecting Hoseok to catch him. It looked more funny than anything else.

“Thinking about it you're quite dramatic, but it suits you, being a dancer and all. Your life didn't look like it though. I mean like you wanting to commit. Not that I judge you or anything, because in the end it's your body and your life, but I wouldn't have thought that a person who wants to commit would have such an enriched life.” Hoseok had no idea how he managed to put his thoughts so nicely.

“Hoseok...what are you talking about?” Hyungwon blinked a few times while grabbing his arm and holding it perpendicular to the floor before throwing one of his legs over it. Hoseok needed approximately fifteen seconds to understand that the dancer was climbing on top of him to be held around his back and his thighs. Usually people would have asked ‘would you lift me?’, but apparently Hyungwon preferred to do it himself. “Look, you can carry me bridal style, so you’re halfway there. But I still have no idea what you mean by enriched life. Do you think I should be suffering because I am different? I did.”

_ So much for putting your thoughts nicely. _

“No, I meant that you made out with strangers every second evening. At least I saw you every second evening. Also, it’s groom style. Being carried isn't only for women. I know women who don't want to be carried and then there's you, who loves it.” Hoseok threw the other man in the air and caught him again. 

“I love you,” Hyungwon muttered suddenly and kissed him right on the mouth with force while squeezing his cheeks together. There was a wide smile when their lips separated again. “Ah, you mean the amount of sex I’ve had! Sex is my special interest. I love it and I put a lot of effort into learning everything about it while being very good at it. It’s also my way of studying people because sexual desire is an easy to read emotion whereas everything else is super hard. Did you know  there are whole documentaries about orgasms? I watched all of them, including sexual crime books because they belong to the topic, but I made the library woman very uncomfortable while borrowing them.”

_ He's a sex expert. So much for your boldness. _

“And you decided to stop on a virgin? Thank you for ruining my confidence. Really.” Rolling his eyes, Hoseok threw the dancer in the air once again, this time to surprise him.

Hyungwon’s throat released a high pitched scream that didn’t sound like him at all before burying his nails in Hoseok’s shoulders out of sheer shock.

“Fuck, I thought I had to pull out my dancer’s coordination without being prepared! I am clumsy unless I’m dancing,” he muttered and buried his face in Hoseok’s chest, breathing heavily. “Also, it doesn’t matter to me whether you are a virgin. I love you and you make me feel good. I am an expert, so why would I need another? I’ll teach you everything.”

“You need another so you can let go. I can still remember you dancing to my cello for the first time because it was the first time I saw my music.” Hoseok smiled and let Hyungwon's feet touch the floor. “So… are you in a relationship with me now?”

The dancer blinked twice and nodded furiously while hurrying over to his bookshelf and pulling out a thick book. Flipping the pages, he finally found what he was looking for and smiled widely.

“Yeah, we’re in love, so we’re dating, right? I also won’t be with anybody but you and you’ll do the same, so that we’re not jealous and then we live happily ever after while listening to each others problems and talking when there are misunderstandings. It’s important because people tend to keep their problems to themselves.”

“Did you just... read up on it?” Hoseok stared at the handsome man and couldn't believe that he would react like this to an invitation to date.

“Yeah, to make sure I remembered correctly.” Returning the book to the shelf, the dancer ran over to him and embraced his neck. “I'm so happy you're here and smiling and looking gorgeous. My whole body is tingling, but it's not only the typical tingling because I also want to kiss your face and lick all over your body.”

“Screw anything you read in that weird book, we are going to create our own relationship. I'm not going to be close to anybody else because I don't want to, I actually only want to be close to you and that's the only reason. I don't know about you. Everything else is unclear and will get more clear later I guess. I only said the thing about the relationship because being in love means so much to me, I don't know how to grasp it otherwise.”

_ Your dad will kill you as soon as he knows.  _

“I read books to understand love and thought it didn't apply to me,” Hyungwon murmured and licked over his earlobe, just like that. “But it does because I love you. I also really want you to fuck me since you touched my thigh, but I'm patient.” Shrugging, the dancer rested his cheek on his shoulder and smiled.

“Oh wow, you're straightforward. But I want you too, I think I'm addicted because I keep thinking about it and before I only thought about music.” Smiling, Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon's lower back and sunk his fingers into his firm butt. It felt so nice. “Ah, I wanted to ask you whether you had anything to do with my dad before? Because I was wondering why he is so adamant about you being ill and hostile.”

A soft moan was the reward for his bravery, followed by a pull on his hair.

“Oh, I- I haven't seen him personally but my mom did when my first application was rejected.” Pouting his lips, the dancer covered a patch of skin on Hoseok's neck and sucked intently, tongue licking over the spot right after.

“Weird. I have no idea why he's like this.” Hoseok shook his head and concentrated on the way the black-haired man smelled. It was intoxicating.

“I don't know either, he was the one who said I should participate in the project because of my ‘autistic peculiarities’ or whatever,” Hyungwon replied softly while playing with his skin and allowing his hands to travel, pulling his hair and stroking over his shoulders and sides. It felt really nice and tender. “You're a blessing, Hoseok, not even in disguise. You make me want to eat you up again.”

_ Autistic peculiarities? _

“What? What are autistic peculiarities? I don’t understand.” Hoseok had trouble concentrating because of the sudden blood flow downwards, probably motivated by Hyungwon’s thigh that rubbed between his legs. Fuck.

“Well, my autistic traits, you know? Needing structure in daily life, being obsessed about rules and correct movements. These things.” Hyungwon’s thigh was ruthless, rubbing between his legs continuously while the black-haired man let his nails travel along his arms. It didn’t hurt, but was enough to stimulate.

“You have autistic traits? Kids at school called me autistic because I didn’t want to talk to anybody,” he murmured and didn’t understand how Hyungwon could have any autistic traits if he was completely normal, just a little bubbly and rather lax with his partner choices. Him included.

Suddenly Hyungwon looked up from one of Hoseok’s collarbones that he had been currently sucking on and stared at him while his expressions slowly softened. Hoseok already anticipated the ‘aw’ before it left the black-haired man’s lips.

“That’s so sweet of you to say, Hoseok. Everybody thinks I’m weird and it’s usually justified. As a child I always imagined that I was a little alien that was sent to earth to make sure that people follow the law.” The dancer giggled right after and shook his head slowly. “But I’m really autistic. I have a paper from a doctor that says so.”

“What? But what does that even mean? Is that the reason why my father said that you were only admitted because of that? But it’s bullshit, you’re an insanely talented dancer.” Hoseok’s head hurt trying to make sense of what Hyungwon was talking about while adding up the pieces of information he had.

“I-” The other man’s expression switched as soon as he had spoken and plump lips trembled in an attempt to get his thoughts across. Hyungwon looked so hurt suddenly. “I was only admitted because of that? But- but my mother said that they made an exception because- oh no.” A few seconds were enough to see the first drop roll down Hyungwon’s cheek, followed by another as he gave up on holding his weight and sank to the floor in front of Hoseok, sobbing quietly.

_ Oh god, you made him cry. _

“Wait, no, don’t cry! It’s bullshit, Hyungwon, you’re amazing, stunning, you can make music visible and there is nothing I would rather do than sit and watch you dance for hours. I even came to your final two weeks ago, but you didn’t see me. I sat in the last row and watched you and you were beautiful. I don’t know why my dad is like this, he’s saying all those mean things thinking that I’ll stay away from you, but I won’t.” Hoseok cupped the handsome face with both palms and kissed the other man’s tears away.

“But- why didn’t you talk to me? Why do you do all those secret things? I don’t understand.” Hyungwon was still sobbing but attempted to stop by rubbing his fist over his eyes in circular motions. “Did he say that he accepted me because of my autism? Did he really say that? How can you be sure that it’s a lie? Why would he lie about mean things, people only lie about good things to not make others sad.”

It was devastating to see Hyungwon cry like this. It was because of him and he wasn’t able to make it stop, he felt like the worst person alive. He continued kissing the other man’s face, hands stroking over his neck and shoulders in a futile attempt to stop the tears.

“I do all those secret things because I’m confused, I have never felt like this towards anyone else before, so I literally have no idea how to behave. I’m also overwhelmed by the problems with my father because I simply don’t understand why he is butting into my personal business all of a sudden. He must feel as if you’re a threat for me, but you’re not. You make me happy.”

“You make me happy too,” Hyungwon wailed and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s waist while hiding his head in the space between his arm and his torso. “I like you so much and I am really not that bad, I promise. I tend to make mistakes because I don’t know that they hurt people, but I can get better. I try! I know now that you don’t want me to kiss and touch other people, so I won’t, I will only kiss and touch you because I love you and being with you feels the best. I want to be good for you, but I don’t really know what I am doing wrong. If your father doesn’t even like my dancing, then there is nothing I can offer him. I could make him a paper plane, does he like them?”

“What are you even talking about? Sometimes people dislike others without a reason, just like that, but I don’t care. He doesn’t have to like you as long as I like you. He’ll go crazy anyway when I tell him that we’re actually not friends but in a relationship with each other, oh god.” Swallowing his anxiety, Hoseok reached for Hyungwon’s black hair and stroked over it repeatedly.

“But Nunu says that sometimes it is better not to tell people things, for their own health. I don’t really agree because I don’t think your father will get ill because of your love for me, but I thought I’d mention it. If you like, I’ll talk to him, after all I seem to have the ‘disabled’ bonus.” Shrugging, Hyungwon chuckled like he had just said something utterly meaningless and kissed his chest and neck while his tears dried. “I’m so happy you still love me even though I’m autistic. I was scared to tell you at first because you were so convinced that I was normal.”

“You're still normal to me. I don't understand what autism means, so it doesn't really mean anything to me.” Hoseok shrugged and leaned in to kiss those luscious lips.

“You don't need to know unless you suddenly change plans,” the black-haired man replied and let himself fall to the floor, pulling Hoseok on top of him. He always wanted to change plans if it meant that he would get pulled down and embraced by those long limbs, plump lips against his neck.

“I’m yours,” he whispered and drowned in the intense sensations Hyungwon was able to provide.

_

 

“Where are you going?” Kihyun asked, stuffing two bottles of strong beer into his backpack, probably to give them to Nunu. Hoseok found it hilarious how their relationship was circling around food and beverages. Packing his wallet into his bag, he turned around smiling.

“Dad wanted to see me. He only said to come over, but didn’t send me a time I have to be at the airport, so I guess I’m not going to Australia for now, which is amazing.”

“Have you come out to him? And does he know that you’re with Hyungwon now?” the back-haired man asked carefully, intense eyes focused on his face and observing every single twitch.

“No, not yet. I thought it would be too much and he really doesn’t like Hyungwon because of his autism or whatever it’s called. This is so stupid, so I’m planning on telling him how I see him and that he’s amazing, slowly slowly making him understand that I’m happy and the person next to me is too.” Looking around, Hoseok had the feeling that he didn’t forget anything and opened the door, looking back one last time in case his best friend wanted to say something. 

“I haven’t seen you play in a while. I miss it,” Kihyun murmured while closing his backpack and returned to his room without any further comments.

He stopped in the doorframe and didn’t move, weird feeling spreading in his insides and chest, the intuition of something uncomfortable happening without him realizing. A change.

Chewing on his lips, Hoseok tried to get rid of it because there was no use in going to his father with that kind of mindset, he would get sent abroad like this, so he thought about the last time he had sex with Hyungwon. It had been amazing and he learned more each time they were close, loving every second of it. It was a positive feeling, the thought that he was able to satisfy the black-haired dancer, so he held onto it while moving towards the familiar grey building and putting one foot in front of the other. 

The door was slightly open and he peeked inside while knocking a few times. His father’s eyes focused on him and he nodded. Hoseok walked through the room and sat on the black chair, observing his dad’s grey hair and stern expression.

“I have two things to tell you. First of all, we need to secure the funding from the state for fulfilling the disability quota and to accomplish that, as an art school, we need to present another performance with a student who has a disability. I thought you and your friend could do it, as it was okay last time. Secondly, which is the most important, I talked to your professors, Hoseok. They said you have no motivation and don’t really practice much, only composing your own pieces. That’s not acceptable. You forgot that you wanted to be a musician? A cellist? That’s what your life was about until you met that person. I have never, not even once heard a complaint about you from any of your professors, do you understand me? You’re not a real musician if there is something that’s more important than music. So you will stop your current studies and become a music teacher, like you’ve been doing all this time, don’t waste your teachers’ precious efforts.” The dark eyes stabbed him with their intensity and his father closed his notebook, as if showing him that he was done with him. “You can go now. You have two weeks to prepare for the performance, it’s nothing important, just let him dance around you like before and get it over with. I’ll organize your transfer to the department of musical education.” 

He couldn’t breathe, feet and hands feeling numb and a sharp pain spreading in his lungs, making them constrict and refusing to take up air. It was like somebody ripped his stomach open and took everything out, replacing it with twitching snakes and blood that was hot, boiling over and burning his heart and lungs. Hoseok didn’t know how he stood up, but he saw his feet move out of the room, over the grey carpet and into the hallway. A click and the door closed behind him.

_ It’s worse than going abroad. A nightmare. _

 

***

Hyungwon had been confident in his reading skills and his ability to understand stories and what was going on with protagonists, but staring at the piece of paper in front of him he wasn’t so sure anymore.

The letter looked simple enough, pretty signature of the university Dean at the bottom and lots of paragraphs above it. The fancy decorations at the sides made it look important and Hyungwon liked those the most, examining them for at least five minutes while sitting under his favourite tree right outside the dance faculty. It was the same tree that he liked to hug when he didn’t feel well.

Usually he would have asked Nunu for help with understanding the letter and what the university administration wanted from him, but as almost every day, his best friend was either having dinner with his boyfriend or practising another choreography that he needed full concentration for. Hyungwon could concentrate, but he could also be very distracting, he knew that. Nunu wanted to do really well and therefore practised without him a lot. It was okay, only lonely sometimes.

_ Lonely and helpless, that’s what you are when he’s not around. _

Hyungwon sighed out loud and stared at the beginning of the letter again. ‘Dear Mr. Chae’ was easy enough, it was definitely a letter for him. The second sentence was already more complex, talking about inviting him somewhere, but they didn’t really say where. Of course he knew that he had Hoseok, his boyfriend - Hyungwon still giggled at the thought because he liked it so much - but the cellist hadn’t replied to his messages since lunch and that usually meant he was really really busy. It was okay because they were going to meet in the evening, so unless Hyungwon found a solution for his problem before then he was going to ask Hoseok.

Inhaling deeply, he returned his attention to the source of his struggles. He was invited to an ‘inclusive performance’ apparently, whatever that was. Maybe it was a performance in which people included something? Chairs or- other props. Hyungwon was pretty good at dancing on chairs, but if he was invited that meant he wasn’t participating, right? His head already hurt when he reached the third sentence. It was about ‘showing off various talents’ but that could have been anything! Throwing balls into the air and catching them, standing on one foot, ballet, instruments, fire shows. There was also something about a ‘positive environment’ and that sounded kinda nice, even though Hyungwon had no idea how it fit into the whole performance and inclusion thing. The last part mentioned about the whole thing being ‘non judgemental’ but if it sucked, it was important to say so. Maybe he was supposed to go and give his honest opinion?

_ This is a mess, you have to ask. _

At this point, Hyungwon doubted that Hoseok would be able to make any more sense of it than he did. Folding the letter back into it’s one third of a page size, he glanced at the sender and the office number that was noted under the university building. He could do this, he knew the building.

Making his way over campus and smiling at a few random people that passed by with less than a meter distance, he finally got to the administration building and hurried up two flights of stairs. Asking was good, it solved problems much quicker than standing around and being confused did. Asking for help was an important skill that he had acquired very early.

Conjuring a friendly smile on his face, he knocked on the thick door and waited for somebody to call him in. That was polite.

“Come in,” he heard a low voice that beckoned him to come inside.

Still smiling, he opened the door and squeezed his head in first. He preferred to do that to get a feeling for the room he was about to enter while appearing extra polite.

“Do you have a few minutes for me, Sir?”

The person who sat behind the spacious desk looked somehow familiar, he must’ve seen him before, even though he couldn’t remember. Nodding, the older man leaned forward and looked at him intently, as if expecting something.

“Thank you,” Hyungwon replied, again to be polite and sat down on the chair that stood in front of the director’s desk. It was comfy, so he shifted a little to have most of his tiny butt on top of the cushion without changing his posture too much. He tried to sit straight when he had official meetings with people.

“I have received this letter, but I am not quite sure what it is that you are inviting me to, Sir. It talks about showing various talents, but I am not aware what talents you mean and I am also not sure about what an inclusive performance is. Do you want me to assess the usage of props?” Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon glanced to the older man’s hands. He really hated eye contact, so he was going to count seconds.

“Ah. I’m glad that you received the letter. It’s about you participating in a short performance in two weeks, I already asked Hoseok and I expect him to agree, as you two are friends. I only hope that you could give him some space because he is neglecting his instrument and it’s a very serious matter for me and for him too.” 

“Hoseok?!” Hyungwon exclaimed out loud, overwhelmed by the opportunity to perform with Hoseok again. It was going to be amazing. “Oh my god, I love Hoseok!”

Realizing that he was a little too excited and stood up, just to show how much he liked Hoseok, he sat down quickly and pressed his lips together. He smiled apologetically while attempting to remember what else the director had said apart from performing with Hoseok.

_ Space, he said Hoseok needs some space for his instrument. _

“I don’t take up that much space in his room though. I can curl up and be super small, a second cello. Oh- by space you meant time, right? I’m sorry, I’ll make sure that he plays a lot and practises too! I can make a list of reminders and an evaluation sheet on how good he thinks he was and what could be improved. It’s very efficient.” Proud of his idea, Hyungwon wondered why the director would care about Hoseok’s performance if Hoseok was an adult and could take care of himself.

_ Because he’s his dad, Hyungwon. God, you are so slow. _

His eyes widened briefly, but he stared at the older man’s wedding ring, so maybe it wasn’t as obvious. His breath hitched and he instantly remembered that it was the man who considered him disabled and bad for Hoseok because of that.

_ He might have also been the one who only accepted you because you are autistic. _

“I see. I would prefer it if Hoseok had enough time and concentration to do what he wanted to do since he was little. If you are his friend you shouldn’t be the one who takes away the one thing he likes, don’t you think?”  Leaning closer, the dark, intense gaze focused on his face, making him uncomfortable.

_ The thing he likes? But he doesn’t only like one thing. He loves two things. _

“I think so too,” Hyungwon muttered while barely moving his lips, “he likes me and his cello. So I will make sure he has time for both, for me and his cello. There shouldn’t be anything taking away his concentration if I dance while he plays, so I shall do that to make sure he has enough time to practise. That is what you are worried about, right? You think he doesn’t practise enough?”

“No. I think that his head is somewhere else, while it should be with his instrument, just like it was before. I made it clear I think, so you don’t have to bother. Just do the short performance, you will be able to do that much, right?” the grey-haired man asked him, voice low and intimidating.

_ Does he think you are only able to do the performance, or does he only want you to do the performance? _

“You are mean, Sir,” he replied quietly and used one of the folders on the table to push the older  man’s hands a little further away from himself. They made him uncomfortable, just like the dark tone of voice and the eyes that didn’t leave his face. He didn’t even want to look at the older man’s eyebrows. “Is there something that makes you mean? Are you unhappy? Is there something I can do to make you happier? Do you like chai latte? They have really nice chai latte down the street. Or I could find out if there is something you really like to eat. Maybe you will feel better then.”

“I will feel better when you stay away from my son. You can follow that advice, if you really care about me feeling better. I’m looking forward to your performance. Let’s hope it will be a nice one. You can leave.” Hoseok’s father replied and removed his gaze abruptly, as if he wasn’t of interest anymore.

The longer Hyungwon sat in that seat without moving, the more he knew that Hoseok’s father was a terrible person. The worst of the worst. The type that Nunu told him to stay away from because they cared about nobody but themselves. The man in front of him didn’t care about what Hoseok wanted or what was good for him, he only cared about what he wanted.

_ You’re not going to do what he wants. _

Chewing on his lips, Hyungwon stood up and made his way towards the door, hand slipping on the handle once.

“You’re a selfish parent, Sir,” he commented and closed the door behind him. Only when he was on his own, in his own head without anybody that expected him to talk, did he start crying. He wasn’t really sure why exactly, but it must have been the discomfort of the situation, the way Hoseok’s father had looked at him and the disgustingness with which he kept telling him to stay away. The older man hadn’t even been interested in why he wanted to be close to Hoseok, he only wanted him to stay away, without proper arguments.

_ You told him that you can help Hoseok play more, but he didn’t care about that at all. _

His vision blurred, but he ignored it as well as he could, using vague landmarks to find his way to the right street that eventually led to his dorm room. He had to stop crying. Hoseok was coming over in the evening and Hyungwon had promised him he would dance and read from one of his diaries. He couldn’t do that if he was curled up and crying.

_

 

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

The clock in Nunu’s room seemed to become louder with every additional second that passed. Hyungwon knew that it wasn’t possible and clocks were built to always make the same sound, forever until their batteries ran out, but still he felt that way. Hoseok had said that he would come at eight o’clock, but it was quarter to nine. He could be late, of course he could, people were late sometimes and not everybody had an obsession with punctuality like Hyungwon did, but that thought had exactly one problem.

_ Hoseok has never been late before. _

His temples were throbbing and he massaged them with his index and middle finger to reduce the pressure. It didn’t really help, because the cause remained.

_ A change of plans. _

Hyungwon could deal with a lot of things, insults because he didn’t understand them, ignorance because he just assumed it was normal, repetitive tasks because he actually liked them. But changes were one of those things he couldn’t bear, no matter the circumstances. Even when it was a good change, he could be thrown out of balance, close to a panic attack that caused him to lay on the floor without moving.

Right now he was sitting in front of the door, watching it intently and listening to every step in front of it. But there weren’t any, there was only the ticking of the clock in Nunu’s room, tick, tock, tick, tock.

_ He’s not going to come, is he? _

Hyungwon didn’t want to believe it, there were alot of reasons for being late. Maybe he had to take care of something suddenly or he hurt his leg on the way and could only walk slowly, so slowly that he needed over an hour to arrive. It was all possible and giving up was terrible, it meant that the plan had really been broken.

Shivering at the thought, Hyungwon wrapped his blanket tighter around his shoulders and rubbed his toes over the cold floor, listening to the noise it made because it distracted him from the incessant ticking of the clock. He didn’t want to hear it anymore, he didn’t want to know that time was passing and Hoseok had still not come to him.

_ But what if he really won’t come, not because he got hurt but because he doesn’t want to? _

He swallowed, trembling in his self-made blanket shelter and clenching his teeth to stop them from chattering. Hyungwon hated the thought, he hated it so much that he wanted to jump up and break the clock in his best friend’s room, only to stop hearing the reminder that his boyfriend hadn’t visited him yet. He rarely felt anger or the desire to hurt something, not since he was a child and attempted to stop the influx of sensations by hitting his head against the wall.

_ But now you’re scared, so you are angry. _

He should have been proud of his complex insight, but he wasn’t, he was exhausted by the emotions and the fear of what would happen if Hoseok never came, not even after hours. How long could he sit in front of the door without fainting? Was Nunu going to come and stop him? His friend was busy and had other things to do than to take care of him all the time. He had to take care of himself, but he couldn’t, not if Hoseok had really decided not to come. What was the point of doing anything if Hoseok wasn’t there? Everything that Hyungwon wanted to do included the blonde man, it involved Hoseok and his beautiful smile, his low voice and his pretty hands that could play cello. Hyungwon needed all of it, he couldn’t just continue without, not when it was the one thing he was waiting for.

_ What if he listened, even though you didn’t? What if his father told him to stay away and he did? _

A shudder travelled down his back, like dry ice, cold but burning his skin at the same time. His fingers shook so much that the blanket slipped from his body, leaving him in his underwear on the cold floor, terrified of what his thoughts really meant.

_ If he listened, then he won’t be your boyfriend anymore, will he? If he listened, then he won’t even be your friend. He will be far away, listening, but not to you. _

The first drop that landed on his right thigh felt like a small flame, but not the pleasant type, the ones that reminded him that even in the dark there was a small shimmer of hope. No, it wasn’t that. It was like the last candle that turned cold after leaving, like him. Hyungwon also turned cold after Hoseok left, after Hoseok decided not to return.

Suddenly there were steps behind the door, but Hyungwon barely managed to lift his head and stare at it, heat hammering in his chest, but not because of excitement. It couldn’t be that Hoseok decided to come now, quarter to one in the morning.

A key was pushed into the door and turned, opening the door and covering him in a faint stream of light from the hallway. Nunu was standing in the door frame, hair a little tousled and wet after a shower and eyes wide at the sight of him crying on the floor.

“Oh no, Hyungwon, what happened?” his best friend asked and kneeled down, not even bothering to close the door.

“Hoseok abandoned me,” he whispered and wished that the blackness would come back and make him faint.

_

 

His body felt like the stones he had always thrown into the water as a child, big and heavy enough to sink right to the bottom of the sea in a matter of seconds. Hyungwon was one of them now, lying at the bottom on top of the sand and feeling unfairly treated after being thrown away carelessly.

A blanket lay on top of him, hot and squeezed under his body to make sure it covered him whole, including his feet and shoulders. There was no space to move, but he also didn’t want to. Hyungwon wanted to fall asleep again, to return to the blissful silence and nothing instead of his thoughts that reminded him of why he had been asleep in the first place.

_ You cried yourself to sleep because Hoseok abandoned you and Nunu had no real argument why you are wrong. _

“I’m at a loss here,” he suddenly heard his best friend whisper as his mattress shifted a little bit. It seemed like Nunu was leaning against it and had thrown his head back. “Usually he listens to what I say, but- there was just no response at all. He just cried, Kihyun, for hours.”

“Hoseok is just numb, like a dead person that can hold a bow. I have no idea what happened, he didn't want to tell me, but he played yesterday from 1 p.m until 3 a.m when I threatened to kill him. Why are they like this? Did they fight?” Kihyun’s low voice sounded behind him, attempting to be quiet. 

“It’s been literally two days. What could they have argued about? Hyungwon said that Hoseok abandoned him yesterday, but why would he?” Nunu’s voice got a little louder and had that undertone that his best friend used when he was convinced something was ridiculous. Hyungwon would have loved to think that it was ridiculous, if he hadn’t met Hoseok’s father a few hours prior to watching the closed door of his dorm room.

_ Hoseok also didn’t write to you, not a single message. _

It made sense, the blonde man was doing as his father had asked him to, practising without a break to focus on the one thing he’d liked the most since he was a child. The cello.

“I don't think he abandoned Hyungwon. He abandoned himself.” There was a sigh, silence and some shuffling from Kihyun’s side. “He also doesn't pick up, he’s probably playing. Fuck my life, why can't they just be happy? But I think it could be my fault because I pointed out that he doesn't play that often anymore, oh no.”

“You mean that he felt bad and decided to do nothing but play? Shouldn’t he have a self-preservation instinct? That’s what I always tell Hyungwon about, it’s probably the reason he cries a lot, to escape the situation that makes him feel bad.” There was a hand that appeared on his knee and stroked along his calf. Nunu was being affectionate while talking about him. It was nice, but it left Hyungwon dissatisfied with his knowledge about Hoseok. Was not being good enough that terrible that it kept Hoseok away from him? The blonde man had been worried about his performance in bed too, constantly agitated thinking he was not good enough, even when Hyungwon screamed his name.

_ But it can’t be Kihyun alone, it must be his father. _

“Hoseok? He doesn't have any. I can't tell whose fault it is, but he was brought up with the premise that he's only precious when he plays cello well, so it happened that one of his professors made a funny comment about something he did and he practiced the piece until he was better than his professor. I guess it's as if your self esteem and your whole self is connected to one skill. Something like that? Fact is, I don't think I can do anything to solve it because I wasn't able to before.”

“That sounds fucking crazy, Kihyun. I guess it’s people like Hoseok that feel like their whole life is meaningless when they break their hand or lose an arm. It's kinda scary.” Nunu’s hand tightened on his leg and Hyungwon almost winced. He didn’t want to reveal that he was awake, so he could listen and attempt to understand. If Hoseok was hurting himself with what he did, then somebody had to stop him. Even if he abandoned Hyungwon, hurting himself and his health wasn’t okay. Maybe Hyungwon could make him happy and healthy even if he didn’t want him.

“Do you think Hyungwon could stop him?” Nunu asked suddenly, as if he had read his thoughts.

“I think Hyungwon is his second weakness. I think he could. Can Hyungwon deal with people who are apathetic? One needs to be quite persistent.” Kihyun sounded so worried, it was strange to hear the other man talk like this. The situation reminded Hyungwon of their time in Paris, looking for Hoseok while Kihyun kept worrying about their ability to get him back home.

“It’s amusing to me that Hyungwon continuously wanted to become Hoseok’s cello, and now he kinda has,” Nunu remarked and Hyungwon could hear his friend’s cute smile in his voice. “You should have seen him standing in the middle of the room, hands lifted up while pretending to be a cello and telling me that I should treat him like one. He really wanted Hoseok to look at him with that ‘look’. Ah- sorry but... what is apathetic?”

_ Like he loves you, that’s how you wanted him to look at you. _

“Emotionless, he doesn't have a proper reaction, like spacing out or being in trance. I tried my best, but he only acts as if he's listening and continues playing like an insane person. It's like talking to a wall.”

_ You tend to talk to walls. _

“Hyungwon is pretty good at talking to walls, he even gave the one between our rooms a name, complaining about its existence. He also tends to be-” His best friend hesitated, probably worried about saying the word right, “apathetic. He doesn’t react and just stares somewhere. I think he would simply embrace Hoseok and keep him from playing. We could tell him to do that if you think it would help.”

_ You would do anything if it means that you can see him. _

“But what if he gets mean? I can handle that but I'm not sure he can,” Kihyun murmured and he felt the other man shift next to Nunu.

_ You can’t handle the truth, but if you know that it is a lie, then you might. _

“Does he mean it?” he asked and sat up, blinking a few times to get used to the light of the room and the way his two friends turned around to stare at him, obviously surprised that he was awake.

“No. He's simply hurt and doesn't want to be hurt more. At least that's what I think. In addition, he doesn't know how else to react. I'm sorry, Hyungwon.” Reaching out, Kihyun stroked over his hair once.

“Maybe- maybe I can make him feel better. His father is a terrible person.” Swallowing, Hyungwon leaned into the touch and closed his eyes briefly, hoping that Kihyun would stroke his hair again. It felt nice and helped him to relax, he needed to be relaxed before going to see Hoseok.

“Ah… his father. I don't even know where to start. But do you think it's his fault?” the black-haired man asked in surprise, but continued the movements of his hand. 

“Definitely, he told me to stay away from him because Hoseok needs to focus on the one thing he has liked the most since he was a child, namely playing cello. I told him that he’s a selfish parent, but I don’t think it changed his mind. Hoseok probably decided to follow his words and only cares about the cello now, not-” Hyungwon swallowed to stop himself from crying and pinched his thigh. It was painful enough to make him wince. “Not me.”

“I think you misunderstood. Hoseok thinks he's nothing without the cello. His father telling him that he needs to focus was probably accompanied by him saying that he isn't good enough, but that's all he has, he thinks he can't love and be loved without the cello and his skills. Actually it's super sad.” Kihyun sighed and patted his shoulder before leaning back against Nunu’s arm.

_ But he’s everything to you. _

“He- should know that I love him, right? It has nothing to do with the cello though, I told him before.” Hyungwon shifted a little closer because he felt left out and decided to remove his legs from his blanket. Staring at Kihyun’s black hair brushing over his best friend’s shoulder, he decided to join in without disturbing their twosomeness and put one leg over Kihyun’s shoulder and the other over Nunu’s. It worked pretty well and brought the two men closer too. “His father is a terrible person, I need to see Hoseok and tell him to stop listening to his father. Somebody from the computer department should design a program that recognizes his father’s voice and replaces it with some Britney Spears song.”

“I don't think it'll help. But it would be awesome if you could try to persuade him. He at least needs to eat.”

_ He doesn’t even eat, Hyungwon. _

His eyes widened and his breath hitched, finally understanding how serious it was. Hoseok must not be in his right mind, playing and forgetting about his own health and bodily needs. It happened to Hyungwon too when he was overly focused, but it always had an end, always.

_ But not for Hoseok, because he’s devastated. _

The blonde man was all by himself and in pain, attempting to hide it by playing the cello, drowning himself in the music that he pulled from the strings.

_ If you cannot be his love, then you shall be his second cello again. _


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you telling me you forced him to fuck you? How is that solving any problems?”

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As the soft melody numbed his senses once again, he remembered how they talked about philosophy in one of his classes when he first started uni. They all argued, always argued about what made a person. He found it funny back then because for him it had always been clear. He was the second half of the cello, it had been his nature, his persona, his passion and his everything. There was nothing worse than the thought that he was betraying it, that he was disloyal towards his soul that hid somewhere inside the cold wood and only peeked outside when he swung the bow and let the soft melody escape the thick strings. Hoseok wasn’t sure how long he had been playing, but he sucked. He couldn’t feel it, the only sensation inside his chest was the dread that crawled up from the pit of his stomach and settled in his lungs like lead.

_ He was right. You abandoned it and now you can’t find the music anymore  _

He might have cried, or not, he didn't know, there was only Kihyun’s worried tone of voice that appeared once and awhile, telling him to eat or to drink or to sleep in succession and him nodding to it but doing none of it. He couldn't eat, or sleep, he had to find the music, but it was gone. He wasn't a musician anymore, he was just Hoseok and it equaled nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sobbing quietly, he rubbed over the popped blisters on his fingers that held the strings and ignored the pain, playing more, trying harder, pulling the most complex pieces out of his fingers, but still it wasn't the same, something had changed and everybody could see it. Kihyun had seen it too before his father told him, his best friend saw that he stopped being special, worthy, interesting, skilled. He had become Hoseok, a person with no special talent or skills, Hoseok, simply an asocial, arrogant asshole, who had no charming points, besides being the director’s son.

_ You remember all the things they said about you. They were wrong because you had the cello, but now they're right. _

His hand fell to the side and he focused his gaze on the wall across from his bed. He felt nothing and he was nothing besides a bunch of cells and muscle mass that was consuming precious oxygen. He wasn't worthy of his cello.

_ Is this how dying feels? _

The warm tears still ran down his face as he placed the instrument back into the case and closed it. There was no use. It was over.

‘Good bye,’ he mouthed, not able to press the words out of his throat as he wiped the blood from his fingers on his blue jeans. There was nothing left to give and he hoped that he would stop breathing and end the pain while his eyes closed and he became covered in darkness.

The metallic sound of the lock interrupted the deafening silence for a few breaths, but Hoseok ignored it, aware that it must be Kihyun returning, telling him to eat and sleep again. But instead of his friend's insistent complaints and worries there were soft steps on the linoleum floor, moving towards him without daring to announce their arrival in full force. Suddenly Hoseok heard breaths, slow but steady that became louder with each passing seconds until warm air brushed the shell of his ear.

The person behind him didn't say a single word, but slim arms wrapped around his waist, holding on tightly. It was unusual, but it didn't distract from the pain he felt, it was still there, eating up his insides like acid. Hoseok wanted to vanish so badly, but the arms around him reminded him that he was still there.

“Leave me alone, there's nothing left, leave,” he whispered helplessly.

He could feel the weight of the other man's head on his shoulder and the way it denied his request, shaking back and forth while hot lips pressed to his neck. He felt helpless and he didn't have any strength left to push the warm body away from himself, so he abandoned muscle tension and closed his eyes, whispering ‘leave’ one last time in case it was successful. 

“I love you, why would I leave?” Hyungwon whispered in his ear and began to cover his neck in small kisses while holding his body as well as he could, arms wrapped around his waist and holding him up. “I won't ever leave, Hoseok.”

“It's gone, I lost it and there's nothing I can do anymore, I have to bury it. Along with myself.” His voice sounded too neutral for someone who was crying, but there was no meaning, nothing that he could've done. “I'm not a musician anymore, I'm just nothing.”

“What makes you think that?” Hyungwon asked next and buried his nose in his neck, inhaling deeply. “To me you are everything. You'll be my flowery everything after both of us take a long, hot, shower. Come on, you're lucky that you have one.” The dancer's voice was low and calm as he attempted to pull him along.

“I just want to die, just let me die, Hyungwon,” he sobbed and attempted to turn away. 

“I won't, because I can't live without you, so I'll pick you up from the floor and love you until you feel better.” The other man spoke like he was stating the facts while pulling him towards the bathroom and stopping right in front of the door. Reaching out for his face, Hyungwon brushed a few tears away and kissed his lips briefly while unbuttoning his shirt and taking off Hoseok's pants in a matter of seconds. “Showering is important and will make you feel better.”

He felt like a naked nothing, not even able to hide behind his clothes anymore. Staring at the tiny shower, Hoseok hoped to pass out.

“Showering won't change anything, it's gone, it's dead.”

Smiling, Hyungwon lifted his big hand and held it under his nose for a few seconds.

“You're still breathing, so it can't be dead. It's somewhere in here-” the black-haired man pointed at his pale chest, “and now we only need to find it.”

Removing his own clothes quickly, the dancer pushed the pile closer towards the wall and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's wrist, pulling him into the tiny shower stall.

“Will you hold me, so that I don't freeze? I'm scared of cold water and dorm showers are freezing at first.”

Hoseok pushed the other man's slim body against the tiles and turned on the water. It was cold, but he didn't care about the freezing stabs against his back until it turned warm.

“Having you next to me is even worse. If you're not around I at least feel worthless by myself. Like this I feel guilty for wasting your time.” He couldn't look Hyungwon in the eyes, no matter how his gaze wanted to focus on the other man's handsome face.

“You're not wasting my time, it was worse yesterday when I thought you hated me,” Hyungwon whispered and tested the water with his right hand, shivering immediately and turning it towards hot. It warmed slowly, but the dancer wrapped his arms around him anyway, embracing him tightly and stroking over his wet hair.

“I hate myself. I think I've never hated so much in my life. I betrayed my instrument, I lost the music, but I'm nothing without it. There is nothing inside me, Hyungwon. Just leave already.” Why did it hurt so much to say those things if they were true?

_ Because you're too weak to mean it. _

“I won't.” Hyungwon reached out for Kihyun's shampoo, smelling it briefly before choosing Hoseok's and covering his big hands with it. The black-haired man pushed him closer to the wall and away from the water to shampoo his hair thoroughly. “There is blood and bones, also your brain and all of these are things I like. Music doesn't disappear, it might be invisible for a while and you struggle to find it, but it can't be gone just like that. I also sometimes feel like it's gone, when I move but it's uncoordinated and meaningless. That's when I know I need a break because my brain is overloaded. Maybe it's the same for you now.”

“No it left and I need you to leave too, so I can die in peace,” Hoseok whispered, closing his eyes to not get shampoo in them.

_ You talk about dying but are scared of getting shampoo in your eyes. _

“Dying is pointless. You don't want to die, you only want the pain to stop.” Massaging his scalp thoroughly, Hyungwon pulled at the strands to tilt his head and wash it out, motions careful and tender. “Stopping the pain is what we should be focusing on, and hygiene. You'll be freshly washed, have some food and drink, and then we'll think about self-fulfillment. Don't you know Maslow's pyramid of desires? We have to fulfil the basics first. I suck at that, but I'm really good at making other people do it.” The beautiful man giggled and closed his eyes because of the water running down his face.

“I don't need food, I need to be able to play. I abandoned the cello and it abandoned me. Now there's nothing I can do, I tried, I tried so hard, but it's gone,” he sobbed, thankful that his tears mixed with the water.

“You will be able to play, Hoseok, I promise. But you need to let yourself rest. Music is like a butterfly, you have to handle it with care or it breaks. You can't force it to do what you want. It'll come back to you, once you are ready.” Hyungwon's warm lips brushed over his own before the dancer reached for shower gel with citrus scent and turned off the water. The beautiful man applied it to Hoseok's chest, arms and under his armpits. “Focus on the fact that I came to you. I'm like your second cello, right? Your first cello brought you to me, so now I, your second cello, will help you to find your first again.”

“Hyungwon, I'm worthless,” he whispered, crying endlessly while his eyes finally found the other man's brown orbs. “I'm so sorry that you like me.”

“I'm sorry that I didn't come earlier, but now I'm here, so let me wrap around you, okay? We'll dry you up, wrap you in me and a blanket and then we can talk peacefully.” Washing the foam off his body by rubbing over it, Hyungwon’s hands stayed a little longer than necessary on his nipples. Then the long fingers travelled downwards to his hips, brushing over his hip once before wrapping around his flaccid dick. Hyungwon stroked over it a few times before letting go. “I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Let's get you dry.” Smiling, the handsome man turned off the water.

The blood rushed downwards embarrassingly quickly, and he gasped, letting his eyes flutter shut.

“What are you… Oh my god.” He couldn't believe he was hard and crying. It couldn't get worse than that.

Hyungwon watched him intently for a few seconds, staring at his face before returning his hand to his hips and eventually around his now half-hard penis.

“You really are irresistible, Hoseok,” the low voice whispered as the black-haired man stroked along his erection and rubbed the flat of his palm over the exposed tip. It caused goosebumps to spread over his thighs. “Can't you play me instead of your cello? You're so good at it too.”

“I… why would you want that?” he asked, but moaned in reply, thighs shaking.

“Because you are gorgeous and…,” the black-haired man whispered while applying more pressure, “it feels good.” Hyungwon stepped a little closer, tip of his own erection brushing over Hoseok's hip. “And you need some endorphins. But to be honest I simply want to, I don't have a real reason for it.”

“Save me,” Hoseok whispered and focused on the tender blush that covered the other man's golden cheeks. His thick lips were slightly parted, letting careful exhales pass and hit his nose, tiny, dark nipples looking gorgeous and so fitting to Hyungwon's slim build. “Please save me from this.”

“I thought you'd never ask,” Hyungwon replied and clashed their lips together, one arm curling around his neck to pull him close and long fingers stroking over his erection. Water was running over their bodies and pearled on their noses. 

He fell, but instead of falling into the void that his father had opened for him, he fell into Hyungwon's arms, burning hot and filled with pleasure, with tenderness. No matter how he thought about it, Hyungwon was a master, he could touch him just the right way, making him gasp and beg for more. Roaming all over the gorgeous body, indeed that of a dancer, Hoseok licked along the delicious neck, wanting to make Hyungwon a part of himself, melt into him, breathe him with every pore of his body. His lips travelled further, sucking one of the erect buds into his mouth and humming at how much it turned him on.

The beautiful man moaned lowly and pulled at the wet strands of his hair, keeping him close. Hyungwon's hand moved gradually over his erection, slow but effective, like the other man wanted to extend the pleasure, to make him feel good and yearn for more. The wetness only increased the urgency with which he wanted to be closer, hands sliding over smooth skin. He was going to come like this after starving for attention and still unable to touch himself because it seemed so weird.

“Let me come once and I'll give you anything you want,” Hoseok murmured and thrust into the other man's big hand. His lips still moved over Hyungwon's wet skin, licking and sucking on it in succession.

“Then come for me, babe,” the black-haired man gasped and increased his efforts, touches switching and becoming even more arousing, pooling the heat in his groin and only making it hotter. Hyungwon used his whole palm to stimulate him while plump lips closed around a patch of skin below his ear and sucked.

It was embarrassing, but he orgasmed, moaning loudly and covering Hyungwon's hand in his release. He was happy because he now returned the brain capacity to completely focus on the gorgeous man in front of him. Turning the shower back on because it got cold, Hoseok sunk to his knees and started placing kisses against Hyungwon's firm thighs, curling his fingers around the base of the other man's aesthetic penis, beautifully straight and covered in a few veins that looked hot. Hissing, he traced one of them with his tongue, before covering the velvety tip with his mouth.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and threw his head back, pulling at his hair to have him closer and take a little more of the warm length. “Use your tongue, just- fuck- just like that.”

Shit, he loved it when Hyungwon let go and grabbed his hair and showed him how much he liked what he was doing. Inhaling deeply, he let Hyungwon's dick hit the back of his throat, humming around it and sinking his fingers into the firm muscles of the dancer's butt. God, it had a perfect shape. 

“Fuck, do you guys have lube in the shower?” The black-haired man didn't bother to open his eyes and moaned loudly, thighs trembling in Hoseok's hold. “If you're not too squeamish you can have me.”

“I want to,” he hissed after letting the other man's erection slip out of his mouth and pointing at the bottle that looked like shampoo. “Kihyun put it there to not seem eager and I tried to wash my hair with it.”

“Oh god, must have been a story to tell,” Hyungwon replied and giggled before turning off the water and pouring some of the liquid on his left palm. Rubbing it between his fingers, he reached behind himself. Hoseok could see the way the other man's eyes widened a little and his lips parted, air remaining in his lungs for a little longer until he hissed.

“Does it feel good?” he whispered, dick twitching between his legs and hot tongue licking over his lips. There was no proper way to explain how attractive Hyungwon was, how much he turned him on.

“Y-yeah, I keep imagining it's you,” the black-haired man gasped and changed the angle of his fingers while his other hand held onto Hoseok's shoulder. “Shit, I'm so impatient. I just want you to press me flat to the shower wall and fuck me stupid. But you're huge, so I need to prepare properly. Fuck my life.”

“I promise I'll fuck you however you want me to, I dreamt about you. I dreamt about you fingering yourself in front of me.” Hoseok bit down on his lip and hissed. 

Suddenly Hyungwon smiled and turned around, pretty behind on display with two fingers that slipped in and out of the gorgeous man's tight body. Chewing on his lips, the dancer held his weight by leaning against the wall with his forearm.

“Do you want to watch properly?“

“Fucking hell.” Hoseok tried to react appropriately, but failed and simply swallowed air while his erection throbbed between his legs. With Hyungwon it didn't seem to matter how many times he came, there was always more arousal. “Yes, fuck, show me.”

The dancer obviously loved his answer and moved his hips further back to be able to bend over, legs spreading and fingers increasing the speed with which they stimulated. A gorgeous moan passed Hyungwon's lips and he changed the angle of his wrist, so that Hoseok was able to see the way the long fingers disappeared inside the beautiful body.

“You’d feel so fucking good inside me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered and moaned again, head turned to the side to allow Hoseok to see his face.

“I want you, I want to be inside you.” Curling his hand around his erection, Hoseok stroked a few times, biting down on his lip, impatient to feel Hyungwon's gorgeous body around him. His thoughts made sense, up to the moment where he realised that he didn't have a condom. “I- don't think we have condoms here,” he murmured, lost and unsure what to do, pleasure clouding his senses and begging him to not give a shit about anything else.

“You've used condoms before and I'm clean, so it's okay unless you're squeamish. You can fuck me without.” Still smiling, Hyungwon pulled his fingers out of his ass and turned on the shower to wash them briefly. “It'll feel amazing, I promise.”

Turning around, Hyungwon placed both of his hands flat against the shower wall and bent over, enough to focus Hoseok's attention on his pretty behind.

“Lube up and get inside me then. Slow- slow at first because my preparation is mediocre. Shit, I felt all composed, but now that I know what's to come my knees get weak.”

Hoseok was dying on the inside, but not because he was squeamish, or because he didn't eat for almost two days, it was because he wanted to become one with Hyungwon so badly, to feel him and he was even able to feel the beautiful dancer without anything separating them. Pouring way too much lube over his dick after turning the water back on, he twitched at the sight of Hyungwon's ass. Damn, it was such a turn on, he was hopeless.

He used the proximity to spread the excess lube from his tip over Hyungwon's crack, moaning quietly even though nothing was happening yet. Getting bolder, he pushed a little, teeth sinking into the other man's shoulder, wet, golden skin looking absolutely stunning.

Hyungwon hissed but remained relaxed, muscles and body giving in easily as Hoseok pushed inside him, only to contract suddenly, squeeze his dick and pull him deeper.

“Fuck,” the dancer cursed and threw his head back. “Come on, I want to feel you all the way. Shit, it's like fucking me without a condom turns you on so much that you feel even thicker.”

“You turn me on. So fucking much,” he whispered into Hyungwon's pretty ear before inhaling deeply and sliding inside the other man's incredibly tight body. God, it was embarrassing but he moaned loudly at how the walls tightened around him until his thighs touched Hyungwon's gorgeous, firm cheeks. He let his hands roam over the dancer's back, savoring the feeling of being one without the need to scream Hyungwon's name, even though he knew that he would in a bit. Hoseok didn't deserve any of it, but he was weak.

“Fuck me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon hissed and removed one of his hands from the wall to stroke along his ass and thigh, pushing him flush against the other man's ass. “Make me yours, play me like I know you can.”

_ He said slow. _

It was important to remind himself to hold back and be careful, so he started gently, moving a bit and testing out how Hyungwon liked the slide. It felt so different and he loved the sight of his thick, veiny erection sliding in and out of the other man's stunning body, fuck. 

“More? Tell me when you want more.”

“Now,” Hyungwon gasped and pushed against him, black hair sliding over the other man's broad shoulders because of the way he threw his head back. “You feel so fucking good, Hoseok, please.”

“You're so tall,” he chuckled and spread the long legs a little to be able to aim down. Grabbing Hyungwon's hips, he moved back and rolled his hips. It felt fucking amazing without a condom, so he moaned loudly and repeated the movement a little rougher.

“Shit, shit shit shit,” Hyungwon muttered helplessly as his whole body trembled in Hoseok's hold and he screamed, nails scratching over the tiles in an attempt to remain in position. “Oh god, do that again, just like that, I'll bend more if you - oh god - if you need me to. You feel so fucking good.”

“I’ll do anything, just moan for me, more, I want more.” Moving was easy, so he continued changing the angle a little, movements getting more desperate.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I can't hold myself in place anymore, I just want to melt,” Hyungwon moaned suddenly and Hoseok could see how the dancer's hands slipped down the wall and his knees shook at another well-aimed thrust.

“Can I lift you?” he asked, moving back reluctantly and curling his fingers around the other man's shoulder, turning him around. “Curl your arms around my neck and just- just let me take you like this.”

“My fucking kink,” Hyungwon hissed before wrapping his arms around his neck and easily lifting up by curling his left leg around Hoseok's hips. “I love being carried, shit.” Breathing heavily, the dancer clashed their lips together and sucked his bottom lip into his hot mouth, moaning softly. Hoseok kissed back eagerly, pressing Hyungwon's back against the tiles and lining up. It took a few seconds until his erection completely disappeared in Hyungwon's body, sensation taking his breath away and making him curl his fingers into the soft flesh of the dancer's firm ass. Fuck.

Hyungwon wrapped tightly around him, moaning without a break and pulling his hair as soon as his fingers found a few strands of it. The beautiful man in his arms seemed delirious, moaning his name in between screams and attempts to meet his hips in a thrust. The dancer's lips remained parted and his eyes were fixed on him unless the pleasure was too much and they fluttered shut for a few moments.

“Keep… keep hitting like that and I'll come,” Hyungwon breathed out suddenly and Hoseok could feel the long legs tighten around him.

“Yes, come for me, babe,” he mimicked the dancer’s words from last time, but sounded quite decent with his low voice and moaning only after a perfectly aimed thrust. Shit, he loved every second of it, the way their bodies were close, how they could look each other in the eyes, how gone Hyungwon seemed and how gone he was. Picking up the pace, Hoseok rolled the slim body over his erection, lips searching for Hyungwon's plump ones.

A scream sounded and just as quickly disappeared between them as their lips met and the beautiful man's body contracted around him, accompanying the dancer's release. Hyungwon's whole body turned limp as he kept muttering his name and kissing his face, fingers still pulling at his hair.

“Come inside me, I want to feel it,” Hyungwon moaned suddenly and rolled his hips before contracting around his length again.

His thoughts were strange and he decided to leave them for later. Instead, he slammed his hips into Hyungwon's tight, warm body until the wave of arousal washed over him and he came, accompanied by a loud moan and the tightening grip on Hyungwon's body. His sweat streamed down with the water that still fell on them like rain, mixing with their release on the bottom of the shower and disappearing slowly. It was nice and warm when he opened his eyes and looked straight into Hyungwon's gorgeous brown eyes, seeing himself and his blush covered face.

“You know-” he started and kept staring. “I'm really nothing much, but being next to you, with you, makes me feel as if I'm precious too, just like you are.”

 

***

_ He lost his cello and he lost music, but he said that he found music through you and you became his second cello. _

Hoseok might have lost his music for now, but he hadn't lost Hyungwon. It was a thought that he repeated constantly, reminding himself that it was important to help the blonde man, to make him feel better and make sure that he took care of himself.

_ You promised Kihyun to make him eat. _

Instead, Hyungwon had showered with the gorgeous man that he was proud to call his boyfriend and experienced the way the musician felt inside of him bareback. Sex was a great solution for negative feelings, it changed hormonal responses and released endorphins. Hyungwon always had sex or jerked off when he felt stressed, sometimes several times in a row.

Standing in the shower, watching Hoseok's gorgeous face after orgasming, he couldn't really get himself to care about what exactly his plan had been about. His skin was tingling and the same familiar sensation in his chest returned, the one that made him fall in love with Hoseok in the first place. It was beautiful and plastered a smile on his face, bright like the sun on a clear day.

He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. There was no piece of information he wanted to share and he couldn't describe his feelings either. He only felt them while watching the gorgeous face.

Hoseok was the first to speak, catching his attention by moving his curved lips and staring at him in wonder.

“I'm really nothing much, but being next to you, with you, makes me feel as if I'm precious too, just like you are,” the blonde man whispered and sounded like he meant every single word. It sounded very self depreciating, the way Hoseok said that he felt like he was nothing precious. Hyungwon didn't think that at all but the other man sounded so convinced.

_ Does he really think he's worthless?  _

“Everybody is precious to somebody. If you're not precious to yourself then you're precious to me, so you're precious either way,” he argued and leaned in to kiss Hoseok's lips again. “I love you, I realised it again.”

“And I love you. Feeling so much makes me scared that I'll lose you because I lost the thing that had been most important to me before. What if I lose you too? What am I supposed to do then?” Hoseok's expression fell at his words, lips trembling.

_ But he won't because you're forever. _

“You won't get rid of me. My mom always says nothing lasts forever, but Hyungwon will still be around.” Chuckling, he turned and kissed Hoseok's shoulder, bending a little to reach it. “I’ll take care of you and you'll have to do my official documents, pick me up after 11 p.m., cuddle me, stroke my head, listen to me cry and have sex with me a lot. Will you be fine with all that? It's quite a lot to deal with, I know.” He pouted a little, sad that he couldn't be simpler, complain about socks next to the bed or something.

“I'll have time for that after becoming a teacher. They don't have to learn anything,” the blonde man whispered and lifted him carefully, slipping out of his body.

“Why would you become a teacher?” Hyungwon exclaimed, surprised that Hoseok had changed focus. He successfully ignored the discomfort of an overly sensitive butt and immediately began to scoop out cum, hoping that Hoseok didn't mind. “Do you want to because you like teaching those kids?”

“Because my dad said that I'm not a real musician and will transfer me into the education department.” There was something weird about Hoseok's voice, it lacked emotion and the dark eyes lost focus as the blonde man simply let himself be soaked by the hot water without moving.

_ He doesn't want to, but he just goes along with the decision. _

“Your father is a terrible, selfish person,” Hyungwon muttered and pursed his lips in distaste. “He was mean to me even though I was nice and only bad people do that. He wants stuff and says mean things only to make you feel bad so you’ll give him that stuff. It's as if I told you that I can't come if you give me hand jobs, so you always have to suck my dick now. That's super selfish and a lie too!” Hyungwon waved around his arms to emphasise his point. It made him so angry that Hoseok believed everything and was miserable because of that man.

“W-what? He was mean to you? You saw him? Why? What did he tell you?” Suddenly the attentive black eyes returned to his face and the pale, muscular body moved closer.

“I wanted him to explain the letter I received because I didn't understand and he told me that I'm ruining your dream, the one you’ve had since you were little and that I should stay away from you. He also said that it's important to him and you, but I learned that him mentioning himself first means that it's especially important to him! He was just telling me mean things to make sure you do what he wants you to do. I-” Suddenly Hyungwon remembered  the way he had felt after leaving the office, upset and unfairly treated but determined not to give in. That had changed when he sat in front of his door and waited for the blonde man to come. “When you didn't come yesterday… I thought that you decided to listen to him and were going to stay away from me because I'm- terrible for you.”

“Oh God, I'm so sorry that he said all those things to you! I hope that you know that none of it is true. I didn't come because I thought I was going to die, until you came and hugged me, all I did was play. Not that it helped in any way.” The handsome man lifted his hands, covered in wounds and stared at them for a few seconds before letting them fall to his sides again. “I'm sorry.”

_ He's hurt. He's super hurt.  _

Hyungwon couldn't focus on anything apart from the wounds on Hoseok's hands. He had been hugging, touching and kissing the blonde man all this time and hadn't even realised that he had been hurt. It was such a crucial detail, but of course he had ignored it as usual, focusing on everything but the fact that the man he loved had been bleeding.

“Oh my god. I am terrible. I am super terrible. The worst. You're hurt and bleeding and I- just push you into the shower and tell you to fuck me and use your hands, but they are hurt and oh my god. Shit, I'm sorry I can't see wounds, I might just faint.” Breathing heavily, Hyungwon tried to stop thinking about the way Hoseok's hands looked and focus on the way his breaths sounded instead. No, those were too fast, but the water was nice, it was regular. He could focus on that instead. Drip, drop, drip, drop.

“Sorry. You don't have to watch, I might have something to cover them with, Kihyun is usually the one that knows where stuff is.” Nodding slightly, the beautiful man stepped out of the shower, wrapping a black towel around his hips and disappearing through the bathroom door. The thought that there was no blood to see calmed him down at first until he realised that he was all alone in somebody else's bathroom and Hoseok had left. 

“Hoseok!” he screamed almost immediately and jumped out of the shower, using enough brain capacity to turn it off as he hurried outside and looked for the blonde man. “I figured it out, of course you can't play when your hand is hurt! I can't dance with a broken leg. You weren't inspired but then you forced it and hurt yourself more and more, so it kept getting worse. We need to fix it and inspire you.”

_ Just talk, then you won't realise that you're dripping on the floor and Hoseok isn't really there either and you have no idea what's happening because he's also hurt. _

It felt like Hyungwon had a train to catch, but he was too slow, watching it gradually leave the station as he tried to run and hold onto it. He had come to help Hoseok, but here he was slowly losing his mind.

He couldn't find more words to say and sank to the ground, uncomfortable with the wood against his wet, naked skin. There was nothing for a while, then he heard the sound of Hoseok's bare feet on the wooden floors. It sounded like a cute duck, before he could see the familiar face.

“Why are you sitting on the floor, naked? There are enough towels.” the low voice asked.

“I was close to a meltdown and my brain turned off,” Hyungwon muttered, giving the answer he gave to people that knew he was autistic. After a few seconds and no change on Hoseok's face he tried the other explanation. “I got scared when you left because it's an unfamiliar bathroom and ran after you, but I couldn't see you, so I'm sitting here in case I need to curl up and cry.”

“But you… weren't like this when we first met. Is it something that I’m doing? Because things like this keep happening.” Hoseok disappeared after talking and he heard shuffling noises before a fluffy towel wrapped around his shoulders and he was pulled up to his feet. “At least lie on my bed.”

“Okay,” Hyungwon muttered mechanically, but instead of doing that he wrapped his arms around Hoseok and breathed in his scent. Only when he felt warm skin against his, he registered the question and felt a little better.

_ It’s because you're opening up. _

“No, it's not because of you. It's because I- usually try very hard to be normal. When I'm not feeling okay I just laugh and ask for a hug or Nunu can tell and acts before I lose it. Sometimes I also cry or curl up, very often actually, but I try to do it secretly, so people don't see and think I'm weird. When I fell asleep while hugging Kihyun I wasn't okay. I tried to compensate to make sure I didn't do anything weird. Right now I'm feeling better because I'm in your arms.” Hyungwon inhaled again and hated that he had to show Hoseok what a mess he actually was. The blonde man's words showed him that he had really seemed normal before, simply because he had pretended to be. “You know… being autistic is like missing a leg, but nobody can see. They tell you to go up a bunch of stairs and tell you it can't be difficult, but you only have one leg and after a while you simply feel too ashamed to ask for an elevator. Because nobody can see that you need it.”

“Well, I haven't cried in front of people before, I guess after meeting you I realised that it's okay because in the end it simply shows how you feel. Like a mirror. Tell me if I do something wrong, I can't play and I'm also not good at anything else, but I'll try. I promise.” A kiss landed on his cheek before there were more, on his nose, eyebrows and closed eyelids. 

_ A mirror, that is how you feel emotions. _

“You're perfect, Hoseok. You only need to hold me like this, tightly. I'm happy when I have you next to me. I panicked because you left. I'm sorry, you probably couldn't even take care of your hands. I can close my eyes and… you can do it if you like. I only need to know that you are here, with me.” Hyungwon kept his eyes closed and stroked over Hoseok's nape, wondering how to prove to the other man that he could still play. It seemed to be his biggest problem.

_ But Kihyun said to make him eat. _

“You're joking right? You sat there for like ten minutes, I already took care of it, that's why you're all cold, fuck my life.”

_ Ten minutes? Well, fuck. _

“Shit, I take it back. I guess it was a meltdown. I'm sorry, I space out when I'm not okay, it could last for hours. But I'm happy now because you're hugging me! Just stay close. And eat something!” Hyungwon's eyes widened as he remembered again. “Let's eat something. Please.”

_ You were supposed to take care of him but here you are in need of touch again. _

“Well, I have to stay close you say, so I can try eating you.” Chuckling, Hoseok put him on top of the bed and threw a thick blanket over him. 

“Cum has protein,” he pointed out but wanted to facepalm right after. Kihyun would have slapped him.

“I'll tell Kihyun that you fed me cum.” The blonde man grinned and winked.

_ Oh no, he'll kill you. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he sat up, palms rubbing together to beg Hoseok for mercy.

“Please don't, he'll choke me. I promised to make you eat, but I'm sure he won't consider cum decent food. Even though he eats a lot of it himself, I saw.”

Hoseok laughed first, but it quieted down after a few moments before the blonde man lay down next to him, face buried in his neck. 

“Let's just stay like this,” he whispered, eyes fluttering shut.

“Let's,” Hyungwon echoed and stroked over the beautiful blonde hair, still a little wet from the shower. 

He had always been good at caressing people to sleep, the man he loved was no exception.

_

 

Warmth was like a cloud that surrounded his whole body, creating the sensation of lying on one of the fluffiest ones, resembling cotton candy but feeling like heaven. That was how Hyungwon felt when his awareness returned and he realized that he wasn’t at home, but wrapped around someone’s hot embrace. A brief inhale of air was sufficient to know who it was, smelling like fresh citrus.

_ Hoseok, he’s still smelling like the shower gel you covered him in. _

Hyungwon smiled but kept his eyes closed, enjoying the embrace and the closeness. Usually such moments ended all too soon when he showed that he was awake, especially if he ended up sleeping at his sex-companion’s house. Luckily, Hoseok wasn’t one of those. The cellist was his boyfriend that had not come to him because he had been devastated and suffering from low self esteem, but now everything was okay. Probably.

_ That’s how you made sense of it, but it might also be all wrong. _

It wouldn’t be the first time that Hyungwon thought he figured something out, but the other person had been thinking something entirely different. He hoped Hoseok was okay though. The breaths that tickled his neck were regular and the other man’s body was warm, perfect against his own warm skin. They were a hot blanket burrito.

“I love you,” he whispered and loved the way the words tasted on his tongue. Sweet like candy, a magic spell that people spoke and ended up saying so many things at once. It was Hyungwon’s special way of expression, of explaining the jumble of feelings in his chest that hadn’t made sense before. He loved Hoseok and he was going to stay next to him. It didn’t matter to him whether the blonde man had an evil dad that didn’t like him or forced him to do things. Hyungwon was going to be supportive and give Hoseok everything he needed for happiness.

_ If he suddenly can’t play his cello, then he’ll have to play you instead until it works again. _

Shifting a little and stroking over Hoseok’s soft hair, Hyungwon smiled brightly before placing a soft kiss on the other man’s exposed forehead. It tasted nice, so he licked over it briefly, glad that he didn’t have to explain his actions because Hoseok wasn’t awake. Chewing on his cheek for fun, he lifted his head and looked around.

His eyes travelled over the cello case in the corner, the bookshelf that he knew, the desk and finally arrived at a pair of naked feet right next to the door. Travelling over the jeans-clad calves, Hyungwon’s eyes finally settled on Kihyun’s face.

“Hi,” he whispered and wrapped his arms a little tighter around Hoseok. Maybe it was a reflex, like he had to protect whatever was next to him.

“Did you give him food, or are you happy that he passed out, so you can have him for yourself?” Kihyun asked, lifting an eyebrow and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I-” Hyungwon began, a little uncomfortable for a reason he couldn't pinpoint yet. “Wait.”

Removing Hoseok's muscular arm from his middle, he used his flexibility to slip out of the blonde man's embrace and stand naked in the middle of the small room. The nakedness wasn't the problem. It was rather that he had wanted to keep cuddling.

_ And the fact that he didn't eat. _

“Well, I wanted to make him eat, but then he cuddled up and said he wanted to stay like that and… I'm weak when it's about cuddling.” He pouted and moved closer towards Kihyun, squeezing his small shoulder.

“You tried. Really? Also, how do your thighs look like that? I hate you.” The shorter man stared at his legs before lifting his gaze and sighing. “Get dressed.”

“Huh, my thighs?” Hyungwon glanced down and pinched the skin of his left thigh. Maybe Kihyun meant that his legs were smooth. “You can get them lasered! That's what I did because I hate hair. Hoseok even shaved for me, can you imagine? He's an angel. Oh my god! We could cook for him! I love cooking!”

“I mean your thighs look really muscular even though you're a stick. Are you telling me he didn't eat anything? He's probably not sleeping, but passed out. Also please get dressed, I’m a healthy, gay male and you're running around with your ridiculously straight cock and your firm thighs.” Nudging him towards the bed, Kihyun huffed and walked towards Hoseok, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking over the other man's blonde hair tenderly.

“I'm also a healthy, gay male,” Hyungwon pointed out until he realised the compliments that Kihyun had added. “Oh, you mean that it's a turn on. I can't though, usually I would but now I'm Hoseok’s, I'm sorry.” He nodded to support the words and joined the short man by sitting down at the edge of the bed and kissing Hoseok's pale foot. It looked really cute.

_ He said that he might be passed out. _

“Oh my god. Is he okay? Is it my fault? Did he overexert himself? Fuck, I'm terrible.” He added a few more kisses in the desperate hope that it would help.

Kihyun glared at him in dissatisfaction, before whispering something into Hoseok's ear and shaking the muscular man gently.

“Are you telling me you forced him to fuck you? How is that solving any problems, oh my god, his hands!” Apparently, the sight of Hoseok's blistered hands was enough to push him full force and yell into his ear. “I told you to stop playing you insane bastard, that’s enough!”

“I-” Tears collected in Hyungwon's eyes and he forced some air into his lungs, slowly to keep himself from hyperventilating. “He didn't react to anything and I pulled him into the shower, but he reacted to me, so I used the opportunity to show him that he's wonderful and can play me instead. I didn't force him, I'd never force him to do that. I might be too stupid to realise that he's not asleep but I'm not that disgusting!” Sobbing, he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's leg and begged for him to wake up again. Hyungwon didn't want Kihyun to scream at the blonde man, it was mean. “Be- be nice to him. He's hurt.”

“If I'm nice he doesn't give a shit, so I have to change my strategy. Hoseok, you asshole, you know that you can't play if you play so much that you ruin your hands, are you doing it on purpose? To have an excuse to not play anymore and just do what your father tells you to do? Suck it, I won't stay still.” Pinching Hoseok's nipple, Kihyun finally got the blonde man to groan and wince at the pain.

“Why, oh god, why?” Hoseok whined and tried to pull the blanket over his head. “I don't want to wake up.”

Hyungwon fought to remain attached to the blonde man's legs and soaked some of the blanket in his tears. Hearing Hoseok's voice brought an instant rush of relief over him, it told him that the blonde man was healthy enough to hate getting up. Everybody hates getting up.

_ But you'd have never thought that way. Does Hoseok try to make it easy for himself by taking away his own ability to play?  _

There were so many levels of intentions that Hyungwon's head already hurt from trying to follow them.

“I love you, please wake up, I'm worried,” Hyungwon murmured and rubbed his lips over Hoseok's exposed ankle.

“You should be worried about Kihyun ripping off my nipple,” Hoseok mumbled and turned towards his best friend. “No, I didn't do it to not play, I simply can't play, I suck, I can't do it. I'm worth nothing and now I'm worth even less. Why did you even bother protecting me from all those people continuously? It was a waste of time, but now you can do better and stop caring about me, because it's not worth it. Just give up on me already, there's nothing.” Hoseok stared at the other man's face before Kihyun simply slapped him, it sounded painful, really painful.

Hyungwon stared at the scene in shock, eyes wide, probably as wide as Hoseok's were. It almost felt like he was the one who had gotten slapped and it seemed like his cheek tingled from watching the pale skin turn red. No matter Hoseok's words, Hyungwon could have never slapped him just like that. He wasn't capable of that.

_ His conclusions don't make sense, like scary thoughts.  _

“I think you're depressed,” he whispered and squeezed Hoseok's foot like a hand, “you stopped making sense. It'll be okay, we'll figure this out. You only need to realise that it doesn't make sense. I'm sure Kihyun is also sorry for hitting you.”

“No, I'm not. You fucking deserved it, but also, no, you fucking asshole. You're behaving like your dad, stop this bullshit. You'll get up and you'll make yourself a sandwich because I won't act as if you're ill and then you'll treat your hands so they heal quickly and you can play again. There's no way we will do what your terrible parent wants you to do. And now get up. You're fine enough to fuck, so you're fine enough to get up.” Kihyun got up and pulled the blanket away from Hoseok, leaving him beautifully naked.

Hyungwon would have gasped at Kihyun's outburst, had he not been absolutely in love with Hoseok and everything about him. The way the blonde man's legs were arranged on the bed could have won a prize for aesthetics.

_ But Kihyun is right about his dad. _

Hoseok seemed shaken, simply staring at his best friend who just slapped him and called him an asshole.

“Fine,” the blonde man replied and stood up, before his eyes fluttered shut and he sunk to the floor.

“Fuck,” Kihyun hissed and hurried over, lifting Hoseok's muscular legs and cursing nonstop. “He should've eaten, this stupid idiot.”

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon muttered before saying it again and again. He had seen it in movies before, so he jumped up, hurried to the kitchen to fill a glass with water and returned. Chewing on his lips, he emptied it over Hoseok's face. Health care was so brutal.

Hoseok opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling before tears started rolling down his cheeks. 

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered repeatedly and curled his fingers around Kihyun’s arm.

“It's fine, just don't tell me you're worth nothing even if it's something you feel. It's not true, you're amazing and I miss you playing. Let's get you healthy so you can play Adagio for me. It's my favourite.” There was a smile on the short man's face, as he let Hoseok's legs down and pulled him up. He really was way stronger than he looked.

Hyungwon felt a little useless, standing there with the empty glass, but he was also happy because Kihyun was smiling and Hoseok seemed to feel better.

“We could cook together and then I could dance for you guys, something happy,” he offered and couldn't bear it anymore, wrapping his body around Hoseok and kissing his protruding ear.

“Okay, I trust that you'll get some food and get dressed, take care of him, Hyungwon.” Nodding at him with a serious expression on his face, Kihyun stood up and left, closing the door behind him. 

“I'm so sorry that you have to see me like this. I preferred being the genius musician in a blue suit, having something to be arrogant about.” Hoseok looked so vulnerable, holding onto him and fingers shaking.

“I think it's only fair. I show you myself and you show me yourself. You know,” Hyungwon smiled into the embrace, “I always thought I was the only one who could break down like that, but in the end, we're not all that different, are we?”

“We're not.” Warm arms circled around him and for the first time he had the feeling that he wasn't the one who needed the hug.


	16. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Different came to an end.
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The days passed, but nothing happened. His insides still felt empty, eyes only opening to glance at his cello in the corner of his room and the feeling that he failed. Failed at everything.

_ You promised and now you can’t keep it. There is no way, you’re a failure and a disappointment. _

He had been so close, only a few exams away to be able to call her, to tell her that he made it, that he became a cello player, a professional, that it had been worth it and that she could be proud of him for the first time.

_ You should call, so she stops waiting. It’s unfair to keep her hopes high. _

But what would he say? That he fell in love with a man, abandoned the cello, disappointed his father and was about to be transferred to the department of music education, adding a year on top because he had the additional educational courses to catch up on. He couldn’t do that.

_ You will cry. _

He’s cried so much lately. Why? Was it Hyungwon’s influence? Or was he more sad in general?

_ You’re only ruining your life, that’s why you’re sad. Call her, apologize and tell her to stop waiting. _

His shaky fingers grabbed the phone and he stared at the number for several minutes, keeping the display lit up before finally pressing the green button. His heart attempted to jump out of his chest as the gorgeous, perfect, soft and equally calming voice sounded through the speaker. He missed it so much that it physically hurt and reminded him of all those times he had heard it in different situations. It was powerful. Her voice.

“It’s been a while since you called, Hoseok,” she said, audibly shifting and putting her phone into the other hand. He could almost picture it, blonde hair falling over her slim shoulders and a smile lifting the curved corners of her lips. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he admitted immediately, hating himself for being so weak, so extremely weak when he called her. It had always been the same. That’s why he avoided calls apart from those cases where he was so sure and confident of himself, that there was buffer until she could bring him to tears.

“I’m sorry if you’re expecting good news,” Hoseok started and swallowed, tears already collecting in the corners of his eyes. It was embarrassing and he was thankful that she couldn’t see him. It was easier like this.

There was a hum, quiet and making him even more nervous.

“Do you think that I’m only expecting you to call when you have good news? Did something happen, Hoseok? Tell me, I will listen.”

_ She even agrees to listen to your whining. You don’t deserve any of it after disappointing her like this. _

“I- don’t think I will be able to graduate, but it’s my fault, I met someone and I abandoned the cello and now I’m not able to play anymore and dad wants to transfer me to the department of education, but I can’t say anything against it because he’s right, I’m not a real musician if something comes first that’s not music, I- I’m so sorry for disappointing you, I wanted… I wanted to call when I graduated and to invite you and to play for you, but now… I’m so sorry, but I can’t let this person go either. He… he makes me feel as if I’m more than the cello. Even though it might seem as if that’s the problem, I feel happy somehow, I can’t explain it. I’m sorry.” Crying wasn’t going to help, but he still cried because he simply couldn’t help it. It wasn’t self-pity or the additional confirmation that he was a failure and a major disappointment, it was him being truly sorry.

“Hold on, Hoseok, don’t rush. What do you mean you’re not able to graduate because you met someone? How are those two things related? Are you leaving the art school? Who told you that you’re not a real musician? Your father?” The silence spread until he sucked in a deep breath after swallowing his tears as well as he could.

“He is right. He told me to stay away from this person I like because there can’t be anything besides music for me. He- doesn’t even know how much I like him. I love the cello, I do, so so much that I feel like dying without it, but I love him too, so it can’t only be the cello for me, so I have to stop. I’m so terribly sorry for disappointing you. I- I tried really hard to show you that I could do it, but in the end I guess there wasn’t much about me in the first place.” The sob that followed wasn’t purposeful and he was too late to cover his mouth with his right hand to stop it.

“Hoseok… do- do you think your father is a happy person?” she asked, instead of showing any signs of disappointment. She probably didn’t want to hurt him, not thinking about herself at all.

_ He isn’t. _

“I don’t think that he is happy, but he knows what he wants and how to get it.” 

“Mhm. I don’t think that he is happy either, but he made his decisions and so did I. You wanted to stay with him because you didn’t want to change your cello teacher, but it wasn’t a decision for life, you know? You don’t have to do everything he wants, only because he’s your father or because he is the director of your school. Do you want to stop playing cello, or are you only doing it because he threatened you? Tell me the truth and I will tell you my honest opinion about this.” She spoke calmly, as if his words didn’t disappoint her at all. It was so strange and different from how he imagined it.

“I don’t want to stop, but it’s not the only thing I think about, I- I told you there is a person I’m in love with and he’s a dancer and he moves like a god, he showed me what it’s like to see my music, he danced to what I composed myself! We made a performance together and he wanted to be my cello so badly, but he is so much more, he is like music, a muse, a tornado that sucks me in and makes me see and wonder about so many things. I can’t give him up. Never. But I also don’t want to stop playing, I love the cello, I feel as if I can talk when I play and compose. Dad doesn’t like me composing because he says that real musicians don’t think that they’re good enough and spend their time striving for perfection with pieces that talented people composed, but for me it’s like talking. I feel mute when I don’t write music myself. I’m sorry.” Again he sobbed and slapped his hand in front of his lips, opening his mouth and biting into his bandaged palm.

“Hoseok? I hope you are listening well to what I am about to tell you, okay? It’s 3 a.m. over here right now, but it doesn’t make it less true, only for you to know that I’m a little tired right now. You- when you grew up there was only one thing that I wanted from you and this thing is still the same. I really wanted you to be happy. The cello made you happy and I supported your choice because I saw you smile and I saw your shiny eyes when you played, it was worth more than anything else for me, it was worth so much that I cut into my own heart and didn’t take you along after your dad and I went separate ways, but the cello only means something to me as long as it makes you happy. If there is something, or someone that makes you just as happy if not more, then I will love and respect that entity you chose. I don’t care if you graduate or if your father still hasn’t changed his way of thinking after all these years, but I won’t accept him making you unhappy. You can play cello and you can love, Hoseok. What is music without emotions? What is it without the devastation, the love, the joy, the uncertainty and confusion that we feel when we are next to another person that we love? Your father doesn’t know that, or he forgot because his own insecurities are so strong that they overshadow everything else. You don’t need to do anything if it doesn’t make you happy. Don’t play cello for me, or for him, play it for yourself, it’s yours and nobody can take it away from you. Just like nobody can take your love from you. I can’t wait to meet him. The dancer,” his mother whispered and he could hear a smile. “I’ll call your father as soon as I’m awake, don’t worry. You… made me happy with this call. For real.”

Hoseok was crying so badly. How could it be that his mother was the complete opposite of his father, understanding and only caring about him while he spent the last seven years trying to make her proud, even though the only thing she really wanted had been his satisfaction and happiness? Fuck.

“I’m so sorry, mom, I thought you wanted me to become a musician. Dad always said that I disappointed you, I thought you left because of this, oh god.” Slipping down from his bed, he threw his head back against the mattress and tried to get more air. He couldn’t accept that he had been fooled for such a long time, believing in something that was never true in the first place.

“I wanted you to become you. You don’t know how happy I am that you found somebody who loves you. He loves you too, right? Not that I don’t believe you, just making sure.” Chuckling, she tried to make him stop crying by humming the melody she always sung while putting him to bed.

“I know that I’m not the most social person out there, but he loves me too. He thinks he’s weird and dad thinks that he’s disabled or whatever, but it’s not true. We’re no different, we both try our best to figure out what other people want from us. Are… you not angry because it’s a man?” he asked carefully, still sobbing once in a while.

“Huh? How is that relevant? Are you not allowed to be loved by a man? The important part is that you’re loved, everything else is secondary. I need to go back to bed now, because I have a performance tomorrow, but I want you to remember clearly that you are more, so much more than what your father makes you believe and what you think. You’re more than your cello, the cello is a nice addition to you, but you’re so much better. I love you and let’s see each other soon. Please call if you’re sad, I don’t care about your exams, I care about you. Ah- and send me a picture of you both, I want to make it my phone background.” Hoseok said his goodbyes, expecting his mother to hang up on him, but she didn’t. Instead her calm voice continued speaking. “Would you mind playing the swan for me? I think I could sleep so much better if you played it.”

_ It’s her favorite piece. _

“Yes,” he whispered and stood up slowly, walking towards his cello case. He didn’t think about being able to play or having lost music, not about being a teacher instead of a real musician and not about the right or wrong way. The instrument lay between his legs when he put the phone on speaker and let his bow sink to the strings, stroking along them and transforming the movements into beautiful chords, music that flew through the air, through the mobile network satellites, all the way to Japan, making his mother happy.

“Thank you. Thank you so much, it’s the most beautiful version I’ve ever heard from you. This feeling… please keep it,” she whispered and hung up.

_ This feeling. You have to keep it. _

And just like that, he remembered what it was like to make music for the sake of music.

 

_

 

His black Chucks made no sound on the floors of the dorm building as his favorite door came closer with each step. Actually the door was super ugly, dirty and old, but the point was that he connected positive memories with it, so it was amazing and the best door to ever exist. Unfortunately, the thoughts about the door didn’t make his heart stop trying to play a drum solo inside his chest, on the contrary, he knew that he was only having those thoughts because he was nervous.

_ This is ridiculous. _

It was, but he had no choice, there was only one way. Knocking loudly, he waited until the door finally opened. He was met with Nunu’s rather surprised face, dressed in sneakers and a leather jacket like he was just about to go somewhere.

“Hyungwon is in his room, eating snacks and watching some super sad movie. Don’t be surprised if he’s crying, it’s because of the movie. He’s pretty sentimental.” The tall man smiled and squeezed his hand briefly in greeting before slipping through the space between him and the door and disappearing down the hallway. Hoseok wanted to yell that Kihyun had showered for forty minutes and his ass probably smelled like a coconut milkshake, but decided not to, in case Nunu liked surprises.

_ You’ll also cry if he’s crying. _

Sighing, Hoseok entered the room and turned around the corner, slipping off his Chucks.

“Hey,” he whispered, after peeking through the doorway, only sticking his head in, to not surprise the other man unnecessarily.

Hyungwon was lying on his bed, wrapped up in his blanket like a cocoon and stared intently at his laptop screen that was standing on the edge of the bed. Contrary to Nunu’s warning the black-haired man wasn’t crying, but rather stared at whatever was happening with concentration, legs bent at the knees and feet in the air. Hyungwon’s  right hand kept slipping into a package of snacks that he inserted into his big mouth without breaking eye contact with the screen. The dancer must have not heard him.

“Hyungwon?” he tried again, this time after walking further into the room and stopping next to the laptop. 

Suddenly Hyungwon’s eyes slipped past the edge of the screen, sliding over his thighs and chest all the way up to his face.

“Am I hallucinating?” Hyungwon murmured as a piece of a potato chip fell out of his mouth and he paused the movie by pressing the spacebar quickly. “Oh my god, it would be so typical of me to imagine you here right when the sexy bits come on.”

“Uhm… you're not hallucinating. Is it okay that I'm coming unannounced?” Hoseok asked, suddenly feeling watched with a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Holy shit.” Hyungwon grabbed the screen of his laptop and closed it in a matter of seconds, before almost throwing it next to the bed. Smiling widely, the black-haired dancer crawled to the edge of the bed and rose to wrap his arms around his neck. As soon as the blanket fell off his shoulders, Hoseok realized that Hyungwon hadn’t been wearing anything. At all.

“I’m so happy that you came! I was thinking about you and even wrote a list of ways to contact you. There are only four items and Nunu helped me with three, but I’m trying!”

“You- you're naked,” he murmured, but still wrapped his arms around the other man's tiny waist, feeling how warm his skin was and how smooth. Damn, Hyungwon was too attractive. “But I'm here to ask you something.”

_ Yes, you are! Asking, asking something is good. _

Hoseok begged his hormones to die on him this one time.

“Oh sure!” Hyungwon lifted his pretty face from his shoulder and met his gaze, smiling brightly and rubbing their noses together. “I also had something to tell you, well, something to apologize for.”

“Apologize? But why? You didn't do anything!” Hoseok caught himself at the thought that he never got tired of looking at Hyungwon's handsome face, there was always some detail that caught his eye, be it the round mole in the middle of the other man's bottom lip, or the funny, curled tips of his ears.

“Well…” Hyungwon chuckled briefly and chewed on his bottom lip, staring at his eyebrows for a few moments until he explained. “I am of the opinion that most people just don’t know how to be better people, but if you give them the opportunity then they can do it! I wanted to help your dad, so I bought a book and put it in his office. It’s called ‘How to Stop Being an Asshole’, but Nunu said I shouldn’t have done that without asking you. So I am really sorry, kinda. I still don’t understand why it’s not okay.” 

_ Oh god. _

“This paper you have, it's powerful, right? He can't throw you out of the school, right?” Shit, Hoseok had no idea how his father would react besides being mad. Really mad.

_ You will both make him mad. _

“I didn’t write that it’s from me! But yeah, it basically says that he’s discriminating against me if there is nothing wrong with my performance. And even then one can argue I think, something about it being the wrong environment for someone like me. My mom sued a lot of people during my time in high school.” Shrugging briefly, Hyungwon laughed again and climbed on top of the bed, enough to wrap his legs around Hoseok’s waist next and hold on to him. “I’m so happy you are here. What did you want to ask?”

_ There's something wrong with the environment if one has to sue people to get the same treatment. _

“Ah, yeah, listen, first of all I am able to play again. I played ‘the Swan’ for my mom and enjoyed it so much. I think I've never enjoyed playing this much after my parents’ divorce. And what I wanted to ask you is kind of utterly ridiculous, but I would like to make a performance without my cello. For that you would need to teach me how to dance.” Hoseok looked at the wall to not focus at Hyungwon's long, naked body that curled around him.

“Huh?” The black-haired dancer looked utterly confused for a moment and would have fallen down, had Hoseok not been holding onto him. Then he seemed to recover and rubbed his nose over his cheek for no reason. “First of all, I didn’t even know that you had a mom! That’s cool, I hope she’s nice and doesn’t need a book like that. Concerning the dancing, I’d love to teach you how to dance! I know it inside and out and can explain really well! It’s one of my plus points!”

“Of course I have a mom, but she went to Japan after they divorced and I stayed with my dad. I'm not sure if it was the right decision, but here I am. Ah- about the performance. I want you to create it. Alone, by yourself. I'll be your untalented amateur tool, but I'll do my best.” Smiling brightly, he couldn't help it and pulled the gorgeous man up, kissing him gently.

Hyungwon immediately returned the kiss, long fingers brushing through his hair and long legs tightening around his hips almost automatically.

“You liar,” the black-haired man whispered and licked along his jaw before kissing his mouth again. “With that ass and those thighs, especially after I have seen your hips in motion, you are definitely not an amateur and you have a feeling for music. I’m excited, I can choose the music and choreograph everything? Cool!”

“Yes! And I read about autism. It said one can communicate well if it's about special interests, what are your special interests?” His body reacted to Hyungwon's naked skin and the lean legs wrapped around his middle.

The dancer lifted an eyebrow and shifted a little, enough to lean over him and exhale against his mouth. A smile played around the corners of his gorgeous lips.

“It’s dance and sex, Hoseok.”

“Share them with me,” he whispered and clashed their lips together, tasting Hyungwon's snacks and something that was inherently him.

He could feel the other man smile into their kiss as hands roamed over his back and pulled up the fabric of his shirt, uncovering his back. A gasp and a low whine followed next.

“There’s nothing I’d rather do,” Hyungwon whispered and licked into his mouth before throwing his weight back, enough to make them both land on the bed, Hoseok right on top of the beautiful, naked dancer.

“I told my mom that I love you and she said that it makes her happy. She also didn't care about me dating a man. It's so weird to me because I tried so hard all this time thinking that me being a cello prodigy was what she wanted, but in the end she simply wanted me to be happy. I could've been so much happier all this time,” Hoseok sighed, watching the gorgeous black-haired man under him. “I know a lot about the cello, so I decided to learn more about you, I want to know everything, I want to be perfect, to play you just the way you like it.”

Licking over his lips, Hoseok reached for Hyungwon's shoulder and let his fingers dance over the golden skin, down to the small, dark nipple, brushing over it while his lips attached to the soft skin of the other man's neck. Damn it, he was such a treat.

_ Remember the way he looked at you? When you two first met? _

Suddenly everything made sense. The dancer had found him attractive and thought he wanted sex.

_ He was wearing bright red lipstick. _

Right. Oh god, it seemed so far away. He never would've thought he would end up on top of the stunning, naked man, have the big brown eyes focus on him and hear the impatient gasps while his own hips moved in circles, increasing friction and making him lose his mind. Shit. They worked so well, it was almost like him and his cello.

_

 

The music was super loud and no matter how many times he had been to the club, he still couldn't accommodate to it, wearing earplugs every time he went. He agreed on going because Hyungwon missed ‘shaking his limbs’ and NuKi (a ridiculous term Hyungwon made up for Nunu and Kihyun) were also coming to spend some time as the four of them.

Hoseok was the one to get drinks, so he left his boyfriend on the dancefloor and moved towards the bar, squeezing himself through the packed hall.

_ You still hate touching. _

The human will power was impressive, he hated touching and loud noise, but here he was, squished in a crowd while the loud music gave him a headache despite earplugs. It must be love.

“A Virgin colada and three Mojitos please.” After screaming his order at one of the bartenders, he leaned against the counter when a slightly familiar face appeared in front of him. He had no idea where he knew it from. 

“Aren't you Hoseok? Oh my god! You still look the same!” The blonde man came closer and stared at him with his huge blue eyes. It was weird. 

“Um, yeah? Do we know each other?” There was no use in pretending that he recognised him, because he didn't and he was incredibly bad at acting as if he cared.

“I see you don't remember me. I mean, it's ages ago, seven years? Are you still playing cello?” A bright smile appeared on the man's pale face and he curled his fingers around the cocktail glass that was placed in front of him.

_ His fingers are long. _

Seven years? He had no idea what happened seven years ago, he was probably playing cello and was brought to some competition by his dad.

“We probably saw each other at a competition, right? Sorry, I have been to too many to remember everybody I've met there,” he apologised and glanced in the direction of the bartender, hoping that he'd save him by providing the drinks. Somehow he didn't like looking at the blonde man's face.

_ Weird. _

The guy laughed brightly and slapped his shoulder for no reason, but it didn't hurt.

“I see the cello stayed, how about the trumpet?” The blonde man brushed his locks away from his forehead and winked.

Freezing in place, Hoseok simply stared, unable to reply and trying to deal with the memories that suddenly appeared, triggered by the stranger who knew that he had played the trumpet before. Before… before he refused to touch it. After that one time.

_ Shit. _

Lifting his gaze, Hoseok watched the blonde man's features intently, the huge, blue eyes, the slim upper lip and thick eyebrows, just the manly jaw didn't fit, but it must be him.

“Paul?” he asked, stepping back instinctively, hands shaking.

“Now we're talking, I changed, right? I did, but you still look the same, wow! So, are you still playing? I don't know because you didn't come to practice anymore. Do you know how much I cried because of that? Thinking that I did something wrong! It wasn't because of me, right?” His attempts to increase distance were ignored and Paul leaned in, watching him intently.

It would've been so easy if he had met the blonde man before he met Hyungwon, before he fell in love and found a new side of himself. Hoseok would've made up some excuse and run away, feeling good about not being forced to explain. Like this, it wasn't possible anymore.

“I liked you. That's why I quit. I haven't touched the trumpet since then. I guess you're still playing? Is that why you're here? Are you in the art school?” The cocktails arrived, but he didn't pay attention to them, simply placing a bill on the table and staring at the man in front of him. He was dressed elegantly, musician style, black button down and suit pants.

“Excuse me? I liked you too, that's why I kissed you and you kissed back, so I figured, but then you disappeared. Why would you run away if you like someone?” Paul exclaimed and pinched his cheek as if he was a kid. “No, I'm here because of a performance and we came out with some friends who study here. What about you?”

Hoseok decided to ignore the first question and the mention of the kiss, concentrating on the answer to the other questions. 

“I'm here with friends,” he murmured as another person joined them, someone he had seen on campus.

“You know Hoseok? How? He's the one I told you about, the guy who recycled Hyungwon.” A nasty laugh followed and Hoseok tried to make sense of the words. What did the guy mean with recycling?

“What do you mean, I recycled him?” he asked, but the anger already bubbled inside his chest.

“Oh come on, you know exactly what I mean,” the guy grinned and winked at him. Hoseok wanted to punch him. “Everybody has been inside him by now and you’re the one who still took him despite that, so you are the recycling guy. But I heard that you’re a little slow on the uptake, it must be true, he got lucky.”

Hoseok curled his fingers into fists and stepped closer, thinking about how to deal with the intense feelings of anger and his wish to hurt the person, but someone was faster. He could only see black hair, a hand curling into the other man’s hair and the sound of skin hitting against the table full force.

_ Holy shit. _

Panicking he attempted to do something, but his best friend was quick, repeating the movement and leaning down to hiss something into the guy’s face. Paul simply stood on the side, shocked at the sight and looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Stepping forward, Hoseok curled his arms around Kihyun and pulled him back.

“It’s not worth it, he’s not worth your hands,” he muttered but couldn’t help feeling emotional about his friend’s willingness to get physical for him and for Hyungwon.

“I’ll recycle his face,” Kihyun hissed and attempted to free himself, but couldn’t as Nunu took him from Hoseok’s embrace and placed a kiss on top of his head. It had been so unnecessary, all of it, the words, the aggression. Why couldn’t people leave others alone?

_ Hyungwon. Where is he? _

Turning around, he attempted to find the tall man, looking through the crowd and getting scared. Hoseok hoped that the other man hadn’t heard, he really did.

It took only a moment for him to find big brown eyes, staring at him in shock. Hyungwon was only a few meters away from them, standing frozen in place, hands in the air as if he had been about to do something with them, but stopped in the middle of the action. The black-haired man didn’t move a single centimeter even though the people around him did, dancing in big motions and shaking to the music. A few people had turned around because of Kihyun’s outburst, watching with curious eyes.

He hurried over, grabbing the other man’s small face with both palms and pressing a kiss to the plump lips, trying to block out the noises around them. He didn’t care about other people watching, he also didn’t care about the music or the fact that his best friend smashed someone’s face, he only hoped that Hyungwon was okay.

The black-haired man remained frozen in place, not kissing back for a few moments until slim arms finally wrapped around his neck. Hyungwon’s legs followed as he simply jumped up and held onto him, inhaling sharply. The beautiful man was shaking a little, as if he was holding himself back, containing the tears that were quick to escape his pretty eyes.

“Why did Kihyun hit him?” the low voice whispered in his ear before Hyungwon buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“Because he was nasty,” Hoseok whispered back, covering Hyungwon’s small face in kisses and curling his arms around his firm thighs. “If Kihyun didn’t hit him, I would have.”

“Kihyun is pretty aggressive. Maybe we only need to… explain? Maybe he doesn’t understand?” Hyungwon muttered and rubbed his nose over the slightly exposed skin of his shoulder. The dancer must have been attempting to calm down, he always did strange repetitive motions when he wasn’t okay. “I want to know if the man is okay. Is he okay?”

“I hope he’s not okay,” Hoseok muttered and turned quickly, only to see Paul’s huge eyes staring at him. It made him uncomfortable. “He said something mean about you and I don’t think explaining would’ve done the job. Do you see the blonde guy there?” He pointed at Paul. “He was my first kiss, I stopped playing trumpet back then because I was so freaked out about kissing a boy, now I don’t want to talk to him because he’s friends with the trash who got his face hit against the table.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly and Hoseok could feel the other man smile against his shoulder before he lifted his head and waved at Paul, just like that.

“But maybe he didn’t know that his friend is so mean. I was told that explaining is really important. Maybe I would have thought that you are mean because you told me to stay away from you. But Kihyun explained it to me.” Again Hyungwon nodded, but this time there was no real reason to nod. “I am happy that you didn’t run away from me after I kissed you. It feels really nice and I like the curve of your lips. It’s really pretty, I drew it on my lecture notes.”

“Don’t you get hurt by all those people talking shit behind your back? Why would you bother to explain? Why do you have to be the one to take a step forward and be nice if it’s the people who should be open-minded and not judgmental for no reason? I hate it, I don’t want to explain anything, because in the end you put all your energy into someone who is narrow minded and mean.” Huffing, Hoseok let the other man’s feet touch the ground and curled an arm around his slim waist.

“I want people to like me,” Hyungwon replied and pouted a little as he glanced towards Paul. It was clear that the black-haired man didn’t really focus on the blonde man, he only stared at something unspecific in his direction, eyes glistening a little in the light. Hyungwon was emotional but held back. “If people don’t like me I keep thinking that there is something terrible about me. If I show them what I am really like and explain, then maybe they will understand that I am not that terrible. Of course I’m... sad when they- when they say those things about me. Nunu protected me all this time, so I don’t see much of it. I know that it’s there, but I only cry in private or in your arms!”

“I'm not a fan of aggression and violence, not at all, but right now I understand Kihyun so much, this feeling that someone you love is treated unfairly. Kihyun once told me that people only think they can talk shit because no one hits them, because there is no real consequence, you can simply vent your anger and aggression towards another person like that, hurt them, make them cry. How is it different from physical aggression? It also leaves a wound and sometimes it takes way longer to heal or doesn't heal at all. He deserved it.” Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon's hair and leaned in to kiss him.

The black-haired man immediately kissed back and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before letting go again, smiling widely.

“We could give him a book about tolerance. The one that I gave your dad. It’s a really nice one, it also says that it is for people that want to be successful!” 

“Are you okay?” he heard Kihyun’s voice before his palm appeared next to Hyungwon's cheek and he stroked over it. It was so gentle. “I'm not sure the guy can read, Hyungwon. Don't waste your money or trees on trash like that. You know, I believe in the fluidity of being, you can become anything, the only thing you have to do is to behave a certain way, he behaves like trash, so he becomes trash. I see people I love get treated badly without consequence? I become a violent human, it's easy.”

“Fluidity of being? So I could become a cello if I want to?” Hyungwon smiled widely and wiggled his arms a little before hugging both of them at once, almost throwing them back with the sudden strength he used. “I'm happy because I suddenly have so many people around me that like me! And I'm in love too, it's so weird. My mom would be proud.” The black-haired man was shouting over the music.

“I’m glad that you’re happy,” he murmured but still felt bitter, knowing that the guy wasn’t the only one who talked like this about Hyungwon and him. As if the other man had no awareness of his discomfort, there was a bright smile and a little shift in their embrace.

“Let’s say hello to the man you met,” Hyungwon exclaimed and let go, pushing through the crowd that almost automatically gave way, as if the people had been watching them. The dancer’s hand remained around his wrist. “Hello, I am Hyungwon. Do you like the color blue?”

Paul stared for a few seconds without saying a word, before smiling prettily and holding out his big hand.

“I’m Paul, nice to meet you. Yes, blue is my favorite color. Hoseok’s too, by the way, he told me that the color of my eyes was his favorite color, that’s why he always had a baby blue cello case.” 

_ Why does he remember that? _

Hoseok wasn’t sure, he remembered liking Paul’s eyes, but he still liked the color blue, independent of whether the other man had blue eyes or not.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Hyungwon replied, but it was difficult to tell whether he meant it. In general the black-haired man’s way of talking seemed a little unnatural to Hoseok, like he followed some kind of script instead of asking genuine questions. It was different when Hyungwon talked to him. The dancer didn’t even bother to really look at Paul’s face and his eyes, as most other people would have. “I also like the color blue, but my favourite color is red. Why is your friend so mean? Did you know that he was such a person when you became his friend? But you like Hoseok, so you cannot be that bad yourself. Hoseok is wonderful.”

“Uhm, I think he drank too much, I wanted to talk more because we haven’t seen each other for a long time, but this whole thing happened. I’m sorry about that,” the blonde man turned towards him and smiled in apology. Hyungwon immediately remarked something along the lines of ‘excessive alcohol consumption leading to premature death’.

“It was nice seeing you, but I’m not in the mood to stay. I wish you a successful performance and a nice time here, in Berlin.” Hoseok nodded and smiled, even though he didn’t feel like it.

“You still have a baby-blue cello case, don’t you?” Paul asked, but didn’t wait for an answer, winking and turning around only to disappear somewhere in the crowd. Hoseok sighed. It was too much for one evening.

“Let’s go home,” he murmured and curled his fingers around Hyungwon’s slim wrist.

 

  
***

 

A gorgeous note echoed through the spacious hall, followed by steps, a little off by a few milliseconds. The music stopped and only left their attempts to suck big gulps of air into their lungs. A few drops of sweat ran down his chest, invisible to the outside. Hyungwon had the advantage of mostly sweating on his body and almost never on his face. It was the reason why Kiki kept joking that he didn’t dance hard enough when he came to watch Nunu and him.

_ He always changes his mind when you start moving. _

Smiling at the broad figure lying on the floor and breathing heavily, he walked over and sat down on top of Hoseok’s stomach without much warning, poking the blonde man’s chest.

“You’re already tired? I saw you play your hands bloody, but trying out a choreography three times in a row brings you down to your knees?” Chuckling, he pinched Hoseok’s nipple and rolled his hips, attempting to get a reaction out of the blonde man that wasn’t a desperate gasp for air. He was blessed by a gorgeous hiss and almost black eyes that focused on his.

Hyungwon stared back, right where he believed the pupil to be. Hoseok’s eyes were so dark that it didn’t really matter, he couldn’t see the transition. It felt calm, like the night sky, so he stared.

They had been practising for two hours. It wasn’t the first time, especially with the upcoming performance they had to invest even more time than they could afford along with exams. Hoseok was a much better learner than he presented himself as. He had the body mass and the fluency in his motions, he only needed to learn the steps and stop grimacing whenever he didn’t do something the way he imagined it to look.

_ He’s hard on himself, a perfectionist. _

Hyungwon knew that feeling. He had been the same way, copying choreographies step by step and condemning everybody who did it differently, considering it wrong and unprofessional. He had come quite a long way since then, reinterpreting dances in his own way and even coming up with his own. The music he had chosen for their performance was a hybrid song, a mixture of classical and modern. The beats were heavy in the beginning and transitioned into soft harmonies towards the end. Hyungwon wanted to show their transition through the music and the dance, the way they struggled to understand each other and find common ground, only to see that there wasn’t all that much difference behind the facade. It made him happy to think about it and imagine the end product.

_ He’s doing it for you, isn’t he? Speaking your language. _

“I love how you are able to become music with me,” he whispered suddenly and leaned in, kissing Hoseok’s parted mouth and tasting the salt of his sweat. “Can you go for another round?”

“I hate doing things I suck at, but I’ll do it for you, please don’t hate me for abusing your craft,” the blonde man whispered and licked over his bottom lip before wiping the sweat off his forehead with his forearm.

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Hyungwon commented and jumped up by performing a somersault. Hoseok kept thinking that he was annoyed by having to dance with him and constantly correct his posture, but it wasn't true. Hyungwon enjoyed spending time with Hoseok, especially doing one of the two things he loved doing the most.

_ Now you can share both things with him. _

“Your movements are really good, smooth and big. You don’t even have to make gigantic circles with your arms because you have the muscles for it. You should be grateful!” Chuckling, he slapped Hoseok’s bicep and pulled him up from the ground. His eyes immediately identified some tension in the blonde man’s right leg that didn’t belong and he slapped it a few times. “Relax, otherwise you look like a stick. You know those guys that walk with a stick up their arse? Those. You have to imagine that you’re a river, not a cello. You flow, everywhere.”

“I feel anxious if I’m a river, it’s weird,” Hoseok commented and grabbed his waist, lifting him in the air like a doll. Hyungwon went with the flow and turned his body rigid to remain in place. Instead of yelping in surprise he bent his legs back and grabbed the toes of one with his right hand. It looked like a pretty circle. “You see, now I’m rigid because you caught me, like water that freezes into ice. Once you let go I’ll flow like a river again.”

Hoseok looked impressed, letting him down smoothly, as if scared to break him.

“You’re so good at this, I love to see you dance. I hope that I won’t ruin your performance with my presence.”

“You won’t,” Hyungwon whispered and shook his head before turning three times on the spot and using small ballet steps to dance over to the hifi system and turn the music back on. “You’ll be my piller. I’ll dance in an attempt to reach heaven and you shall be my stairway. Like this.”

He felt excited and ran over to Hoseok, stretching out his hands. It was the last step that he wanted to teach the blonde man, but suddenly he felt like now was a good time. Hoseok looked terrified and unsure what to do, before catching him last minute and lifting him up.

“Almost,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed him, arms wrapping tightly around the gorgeous man’s neck. “I want you to hold my waist as I climb upwards. I imagined slipping the first time, because it’s not that easy, you know? But in the end I want it to be just like now, wrapped in your embrace as you lift me up. I love that you cannot fail anymore, simply because you know me that well already. But I want you to fail, on purpose.”

“You want me to fail holding you? But what if you fall? Oh my god,” Hoseok murmured, eyes huge and staring at him in surprise.

“But that is the point, Hoseok. I am going to slip and sink to the ground. I do that a lot, you know? But I won’t give up that easily, I will reach out.” Still smiling, Hyungwon showed what he meant by slipping through the blonde man’s embrace and sinking to the ground, reaching out for him with an arched back. “But- you know what I learned? You know what you do whenever I am on the ground like this, crying?”

Hyungwon sat back down on his calves and stared up at the beautiful musician. He still couldn’t believe that he had found himself in the place of the person Hoseok cared about the most. It felt unreal to be that important to somebody, not a responsibility, but a choice.

Stepping closer, Hoseok sunk down to his knees and curled his arms around his waist.

“Exactly,” Hyungwon whispered and couldn’t help but get emotional, arms immediately circling around Hoseok’s neck and pulling him close. He had no idea how he was supposed to keep away if Hoseok was going to embrace him like that during the performance. “Watch me kiss you in front of hundreds of people.”

Placing a kiss to the pale cheek, he leaned back and met those black eyes again. He couldn’t get enough of them, never.

“It is difficult to get up when one feels down, especially when I am crying on the ground. But you know what you also always do?” He smiled a little, waiting for Hoseok to catch up to his thoughts.

“I pull you up,” Hoseok murmured, looking equally touched. Lifting on his feet easily, Hoseok reached for his wrist, curling his fingers around it carefully. It was impressive how the lightness of the other man's touch didn't change with time. It was still the same featherlight sensation.

Hyungwon swallowed to not get overly emotional in the middle of a dance studio and fell into the gorgeous man’s embrace, resting his head on Hoseok's shoulder as his arms wrapped around his neck again, just the way they had before.

“But that’s not everything,” he whispered and lifted his head again. “I realized that… with you I am able to do so many things that I wasn’t able to do on my own. It feel like you not only pull me up from the ground when I am down. You…” Removing his arms from Hoseok’s neck in a delicate gesture, he stroked over his own shoulder before reaching towards the sky, hands arranged like wings. “You raise me up too, Hoseok. That is how I want to finish the performance. I want to be like a swan. Your mother’s favourite piece.” Just in time for his explanation, the heavy beat transitioned into the classical piece.

“You're so beautiful,” Hoseok whispered, reaching out and letting his fingers dance along his stretched out arm and shoulder, over his neck and cheeks to his lips. “I think I will be the one to kiss you senseless.”

“Will you… lift me for the finish?” Hyungwon asked and smiled, turning his body rigid to remain in place as soon as his feet left the ground. His eyes roamed over Hoseok’s gorgeous face, and the way the other man watched him in awe. It seemed easy to read the changes in the blonde man’s expressions, as if Hyungwon had only needed time to acquire them, to be the first to know when Hoseok wasn’t okay and needed him to be there, to embrace him or simply to listen to him play the cello in the safety of his dorm room. “I cannot do it on my own.”

Warm fingers wrapped around his waist, light like feathers at first, before tightening and lifting him in the air. 

Hyungwon closed his eyes and changed the form of his hands, simply stretching them out and enjoying the last notes of the music that entered his ears. It felt amazing, like he had no worries at all. Opening his eyes again, he wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck and lowered himself down, standing on his own two feet again.

Giggling, he suddenly grabbed Hoseok’s waist and lifted him up, a few centimeters before letting him down again because he definitely didn’t have the strength to hold him up for ages.

“There! I can lift you up too, even if it’s not for long. I chased away that annoying girl for you and I found the strawberry sticker on your cello! Without me it would have stayed there forever!” Lifting his finger in the air to emphasize the importance of his actions, Hyungwon suddenly realized how ridiculous it sounded and laughed out loud, holding his stomach. “You make me so happy, Hoseok. It’s crazy, even if you can be super weird too.”

“Can be? I'm super weird, I forced my mother to sing me the backing voice of a lullaby, because I didn't like the actual melody. She's an opera singer by the way, Kihyun is a huge fan.” Hyungwon could see a drop of sweat travel down Hoseok's gorgeous nose and hit the floor. “You make me happy too, I'm still bitter and sad about people around us, but when we're together like this it doesn't matter to me. My mom also threatened dad to leave me alone, I think it was very effective. I want to meet your mom, you keep talking about her.”

Hyungwon smiled, excited that Hoseok’s mom was like Mewto, capable of defeating anybody, even his dad. The mention of his mom also returned a bubbly sensation to his chest.

“She’s wonderful! She’s a kindergarten teacher, but she works with children that have disabilities. She’s super nice, I’m sure you’ll love her!” Jumping up and down, he vaguely remembered that he had wanted to force Hoseok to dance again, but the whole sweating and proximity made his other interest push through way too much. “Shit, now you make me want you again even though we were supposed to dance. You do it on purpose, admit it!”

“I dreamt about playing cello but then it turned into you being naked on my lap, can you believe that? It's crazy, I've never had dreams like that!” Chuckling, Hoseok simply took off his shirt and threw it in the corner of the practice room. Sweat ran down his muscular pecs and neck, it looked fucking gorgeous.

_ You don’t need dreams to think stuff like that. _

“Fuck me,” Hyungwon muttered simply and stared, fingers immediately stroking along the gorgeous chest and the way the skin gave in a little as he pressed down, index finger brushing over Hoseok’s nipple. There was no point in beating around the bush, he hated that.

Hoseok acted shocked for a few seconds, before simply pulling Hyungwon’s shirt over his head and clashing their lips together, strong fingers tracing the curve of his ass and broad hips pressing him against one of the walls.

Hyungwon whimpered and attempted to have as much body contact as possible, hips thrusting forward to meet Hoseok’s and hands roaming over the blonde man’s sweaty back and shoulders. He loved how slick it felt and grabbed a fistful of the cellist’s hair, pulling at it before licking into the warm mouth. It tasted like mint, probably from Hoseok’s recent love for chewing gum.

“Can you take me right here?” he asked and threw his head back because Hoseok acted on his need for friction at his groin.

“Wherever you want. You always have lube, don't you?” The blonde man let him pull his hair and hissed against the skin of his neck, sinking his teeth into it.

Hyungwon couldn’t help it and moaned loudly,  but the sound drowned in the track that began playing again. It was going to be the first time that he had sex while listening to a track he mixed for a performance. Reaching behind himself, he fumbled in the backpocket of his jeans to find the small packet of lube, pulling it out in triumph and placing it between his teeth.

“Take me,” he mumbled with effort and pushed their groins together again. “I’ll suck you to full hardness in two seconds, I promise.”

“I-” Hoseok murmured and pulled out a condom. “I practiced and I'm pretty sure I can last longer now.” Grabbing his hand, the blonde man pressed it against his crotch. “Also, I'm already hard.”

_ Oh god, he’s so adorable. _

Hyungwon couldn’t resist squeezing the other man’s erection once and placed a soft kiss on his lips, touched that Hoseok put all that effort into improving his endurance and getting better. Hyungwon hadn’t even written down any challenges for him, at least none that he showed to the blonde man. Nunu had said that it was intimidating to have sexual challenges to fulfil, so he had kept them under his pillow until the time was right. Maybe Hoseok would end up passing them without even seeing the list.

“I cannot wait to have you inside of me, Hoseok. You’re so sweet, putting in all that effort for me. You have no idea how often I think about you and get off because I am aroused. You’re so smart for having a condom too!” Covering the other man’s face in kisses, he rolled his hips again and didn’t waste any more time, fingers quickly pulling down Hoseok’s tight dancing pants and wrapping his fingers around the thick length. Giving it a few experimental tugs, he rubbed over the tip and felt positively surprised by how quickly Hoseok responded to him. It was perfect, just like him, reacting in a matter of seconds.

“You’re just like me,” he whispered and rubbed his own groin over Hoseok’s again to show him.

Hoseok was impatient, but obviously not gone enough. Walking towards the door, the blonde man locked it and came back, pulling down Hyungwon's pants without warning and taking his dick into his mouth just like that.

“Shit,” Hyungwon yelled and turned himself into a pancake by pressing his back to the wall while his hips thrust forward automatically, almost too roughly. “Fuck, you know I suck at inhibition.” His hands immediately sunk into the blonde strands and pulled while he tried to keep himself from burying his dick completely in Hoseok’s throat. Hoseok wasn't very helpful, covering his fingers and letting him move deeper. He felt one digit against his entrance and relaxed, letting it slip inside until it finally found its destination, rubbing it in circles.

Hyungwon moaned again and attempted to push his hips down against the finger and his dick further into Hoseok’s mouth, but it didn’t work at the same time. Life was unfair.

“Hoseok, fuck- you- you read up on stuff again, didn’t you?” he muttered and lifted his right leg on top of Hoseok’s shoulder because it was too tiring to remain standing without using the other man’s strength. “Shit, I want you so much, please, I’ll be good, I promise.”

Instead of a reply that could've been difficult because of his dick occupying Hoseok's throat, he got another finger that moved just as nicely and stimulated him in addition to the friction. Hoseok swallowed around him, humming now and again. He definitely read up.

“But I want you to fuck meeee,” he whined and let go of Hoseok’s hair to hold onto the wall instead, scratching along it as pleasure kept soaring through his veins instead of blood and blurred his vision. “Please, Hoseok, come on.”

The begging was effective, and Hoseok had mercy after preparing him a little more without stimulation. Rolling the condom over his thick erection, the gorgeous man smiled and reached for his hips, stroking over them tenderly.

“Climb up,” he whispered.

Hyungwon had no way to express how fucking hot that was, so he simply mouthed ‘oh my god’ and reached for Hoseok’s neck before jumping up and wrapping his long legs around the other man’s waist. He loved it when Hoseok fucked him while standing because it combined all the things he liked the most, feeling full, feeling weightless and kissing Hoseok’s mouth. It was perfect and he whimpered again, wiggling his butt impatiently.

He was lucky that the blonde man must've felt the same way, propping his lubed erection against him and letting him sink down slowly, watching his face and moaning right into it without any hint of shame. Hyungwon loved it, every second of it, so he gasped and licked over Hoseok’s lips, watching him intently.

“Do I feel good?” he whispered and kept licking over the gorgeous curve, waiting for a reaction. He contracted around the thickness for good measure, impatient to feel more.

“You feel better than anything I've ever felt. Being inside you is the best feeling. After seeing your genuine smile where your cheeks lift up. That one is the best and after that it's this,” Hoseok chuckled but moaned again, twitching inside him.

“You are so adorable, Hoseok, I love you,” he replied with a laugh and held onto Hoseok’s shoulders before moving his hips in circles over the blonde man’s dick. It felt fucking good and the change in eyebrows and the way Hoseok parted his lips showed him that the other man thought the same. “You said you practised, does that mean I can play with you…,” he contracted on purpose, “or do you want to fuck me into the wall?”

“I want to fuck you, but you can also play with me if that's what you like,” the blonde man whispered and buried himself deeper inside his body with a simple thrust upwards.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Hyungwon muttered and saw his legs tremble at the sensation. Damn, his whole body was on fire. “Shit, this is amazing. I love deep, deep is cool, awesome.” He babbled pointlessly and forced his brain to turn back on as he tightened his thighs, squishing Hoseok in between and used the other man’s shoulders for leverage to move up and roll his body over Hoseok’s tip. He liked the friction and the gorgeous man probably loved the stimulation. It always depended on how sensitive guys were when it came to their dicks, but Hoseok was sensitivity personified.

“Oh my god, you-” Hoseok attempted to say something, but simply pressed him against the wall and rolled his hips into him. Hyungwon screamed as his head hit the wall, hands digging into Hoseok’s shoulders as his hips froze in place to keep the angle, shit.

“Fuck me, just like this, please,” he begged and kept his hips still, mentally begging even louder for Hoseok to move and keep his hips just like that. He was going to die and melt against the wall, turn into a puddle of pleasure that spelled out ‘Hoseok’.

Getting his message, the muscular man leaned in and sunk his teeth into his skin as his hips started moving slowly then faster.

Hyungwon kept moaning, hands moving loosely between their bodies, scratching over the muscular chest, rubbing over a nipple or holding onto the broad shoulders with barely present strength. His body was on fire, fuelled by the sight in front of him, the way Hoseok looked at him and how his eyes fluttered shut whenever he felt particularly good, moaning in that low and gorgeous voice of his. He couldn’t get enough, he wanted to watch it for hours, to not be disrupted by his orgasm that threatened to take over him in a matter of seconds.

“I’m close,” he gasped and tightened his legs to deepen the angle. “But I don’t want to come, I want more. I want to show you...more.”

“You can show me later, I want to watch you come for me. Come for me, Hyungwon, do it,” Hoseok groaned and picked up the pace of his well aimed thrusts, lips attaching to his face and neck and leaving small tender bites behind his ear.

Hyungwon simply gave up fighting and relaxed as his body toppled over the edge and left him breathless and burning in the aftermath. A scream of Hoseok’s name still tingled on his lips and he wrapped his arms around the other man’s neck, holding on as tightly as he could. Hoseok smelled so good, familiar, even better than any home could.

“I love you so much, sleeping with somebody you love is so different,” he murmured and rubbed his nose over the soft skin. “You make me so happy, I just want to stay here forever, with you inside of me, but humans have stupid social rules.”

Hoseok wasn't moving, simply breathing loudly into his ear.

“I also came.”

“I'm proud of you,” Hyungwon whispered in reply and covered beautiful man's face in small kisses, enjoying the way the soft skin gave in. “You feel so so good, Hoseok.”

There was cum sticking to their bodies, but Hyungwon couldn't care less. He was able to dance for hours but orgasming turned him into a puddle of feelings, especially with Hoseok. He immediately remembered all those times he had wrapped himself around the unsuspecting cellist, attempting to explain why he did things and why Hoseok made him open up like a shell. For some reason it felt like he had been the one to receive the pearl, smiling at him and holding him tightly.

Hyungwon had never been secretive, not at all. He told people on the playground his secrets and was surprised that everybody knew the next day. He shared his thoughts and didn't hesitate to speak the truth, but still he preferred to be with special people when he cried or had a meltdown. Hoseok had turned into such a special person without him realising. The blonde man had walked silently behind him, impossible to hear until he was suddenly standing right in front of him and wrapped his warm arms around him. Hyungwon couldn't have asked for more than that, never.

Apart from kisses. He could never get enough of those soft lips.

 

***

 

He opened the door a tiny bit to peek inside and told the muscular man next to him to be quiet by hissing at him. On the other side of the room, his best friend was preparing candles, lighting them and looking clumsy as fuck. He barely resisted screaming at him to stop setting the dorm on fire. Warm fingers closed around his wrist. Hyunwoo must’ve realized that he was nervous and squeezed it once. There was nothing compared to how calm the broad man made him feel, no matter what happened around him. The bare touch of his warm fingers made him not give a single shit about Hoseok setting the dorm on fire. He could do that, fire was warm, wasn’t it?

_ But he is nervous, he could make a mistake. _

“What if he sets this whole building on fire, Nunu?” he asked quietly and let his fingers travel over the other man’s muscular arm. Shit, why was he so attractive? 

“It will be fine. We are both here. Hyungwon will be here any moment, he is never late,” the low voice whispered and he felt how he was pulled into a tight embrace. He would’ve never admitted it, but he fucking loved when Nunu did that, covering his body with his muscular arms and pulling him flush against his stomach and hips, damn it.

Meanwhile his blonde, clumsy friend managed to cover his room in a beautiful soft light as there was a knock on the door, 8 p.m, precisely. Hoseok performed a ridiculous jump and flapped his hands like a penguin and walked to the door, breathing in and out a few times, before finally opening it. Why was it so hard to open a damn door? Kihyun had no idea.

He could hear Nunu count next to his ear, going ‘one, two and’ as he saw Hyungwon wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and squish him as if he had the strength to do any damage. The black-haired man also behaved like a monkey, jumping up and wrapping his legs around Hoseok’s middle.

“I love this whole ‘tell Hyungwon a time that he has to come thing’, that makes it really easy for me! We should do it more often.”

How Hyungwon couldn’t see the mass of candles was a mystery.

“He needs a while,” Nunu whispered into his ear again.

“I will cringe and die, but I will still watch it because I have a strong personality,” he muttered and focused his attention on the two men in the other room.

Hoseok twirled the black-haired dancer around and kissed him passionately before letting go and pointing at the chair standing across from the bed.

“Sit down there, I need to show you something,” Hoseok murmured. His diction sucked when he was nervous, just like how his hands started pulling at the fabric of his jeans. It was obvious how extremely nervous he was.

“You will like this, it’s like in that drama that you watch at night,” Nunu commented and squeezed his hand. There was a small smile on his boyfriend’s face, like he was happy to see their friends’ antics.

Hyungwon was bubbly as always, jumping around excitedly as he moved towards the spot that Hoseok had pointed out for him and glanced around. That was the point at which he must have realized the decorations as his eyes suddenly widened and he froze in place.

“Oh my god! There are so many candles! It’s beautiful! Can I count them?” The black-haired dancer looked ecstatic, mouth open wide and looking around in wonder. “Did you do that for me? Is it like a movie? Will we read poems and watch the moon?”

_ You would’ve already nudged him from the chair. _

“No,” Hoseok said and took out his cello that he prepared at the side, lifting the bow and positioning the instrument between his legs. Kihyun looked forward to that part of the whole embarrassing plan the most. Hoseok focused his gaze on the black-haired man on the chair. “I want to show you something.”

“You have to listen, it’s beautiful,” he whispered and couldn’t help but kiss Nunu’s hot cheek. His man was like an oven, hot at all times.

Hyungwon’s whole demeanor changed as he nodded slowly and sat down, watching Hoseok intently. The switch was interesting, as if playing cello resulted in Hyungwon’s immediate attention.

“I like how Hyungwon looks at him, because he never looked like that before. It’s nice for me to see,” Nunu remarked and brushed over his hair and shoulder, squeezing it softly. It was the same in Hoseok’s case. He had never seen his best friend looking at anything with this kind of expression. Emotional, vulnerable and open.

_ Just hope that Hyungwon will like it. _

He started getting nervous too, but as soon as Hoseok’s bow touched the strings and the beautiful melody filled the room, there was nothing left, only pure admiration for the art his best friend was able to create, to produce and to show to the people who mattered to him. It was calm, but also sad at times, underlined by the pained expression on the blonde man’s face as he looked as if he was having difficulties holding the bow. The pain passed and made room for hope, sounds that made him feel light, like soaring in the spring sky along with the tiny clouds and birds that came home. Hoseok was a genius.

Leaning back against Nunu’s broad chest, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment as much as he could. It was so emotionally powerful that it made him want to sing a serenade for Hyunwoo. The worst. After enjoying the stunning composition, he opened his eyes again when Hoseok lifted the bow and looked at the black-haired man on the chair, curious about his reaction.

Hyungwon was watching him intently, attentive but there were tears running down his cheeks, silently instead of the open way in which he cried usually.

“It’s because I’m happy,” Hyungwon whispered and sniffed once, big hand reaching out to rub over his cheeks and remove the lines that the salty liquid had left. “I’m happy that you’re showing yourself. It’s not somebody else, it’s you and it makes me so happy. I keep thinking about when you told me that real composers compose music, but that’s exactly what you are, Hoseok.”

“I wrote it for you. It’s called ‘No Different’ it’s about how you and I are no different, but you came and changed me, making me better and happier.” His best friend whispered before putting the instrument aside and slipping his hand into the pocket of his jeans. “I- I made something for you.”

_ The cheesy part, oh god. _

“Kill me,” he hissed at Nunu, still watching intently. Instead of following his wishes, his boyfriend only hugged him tighter and shook his head.

“For me?” Hyungwon exclaimed and pointed at his chest. “Oh my god, will it make me cry more? Then I don’t want it.”

“I hope it won’t it’s-” Hoseok pulled out the two necklaces he had shown him before. “It’s a heart made of wood but it’s cut in the middle. The necklace- it’s a special one, it’s made out of my first pair of strings and do you know why? Because the cello is made of wood but it can’t play, it can’t talk without the strings, you are my string and you have half of my heart with you. You’re so much better than my cello, Hyungwon. You have half of my heart and I have half of yours.”

_ Why is it so fucking sad, oh god. _

Kihyun sucked in a breath attempting to hide, but still looked, fingers sinking into Hyunwoo’s forearm to deal with his emotions.

Hyungwon was staring at the heart, reaching for one half with shaky fingers and stroking along the edge with his index finger. After doing it once the dancer did it again, and again, repeating it endlessly as he looked up again.

“This… this means that you need me, right?”

“This means that there is a shelf I put all the important things and people on and you are at the very top. You’re the most important and I love you more than anything else.” Hoseok had teary eyes, but Kihyun hoped that he wouldn’t start crying.

_ Please. _

Instead of Hoseok, Hyungwon was the one who started crying, eyes shiny enough for Kihyun to see from where he was standing. The dancer’s big hands were shaking as he took the necklace and opened it, attempting to put it around his neck. His facial expression was impossible to read, like he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to laugh or to cry.

“I’m important, Nunu,” Hyungwon exclaimed in his direction, chuckling right before sobbing briefly.

“You are,” the man next to him replied and pulled him further into the embrace, as if he knew that Kihyun didn’t want anybody to see his face right now.

Hoseok slipped to the floor and opened the necklace to put it around Hyungwon’s neck.

“You always wanted to be my cello and I wanted to be more than that for you. You’re my muse, my body, my eyes to see the music I make. I love you so much, let’s share it.” Grabbing Hyungwon’s tiny face with his palms, his best friend leaned into a deep kiss. It looked so intimate with how Hyungwon was crying, traces visible in the candle light, just like Hoseok’s hands that shook and his lips that trembled. He couldn’t see it, but he knew. He knew him.

_ He’s happy now. _

It made him angry, but he couldn’t do anything about the tears that ran down his face as he turned and buried his face in the crook of Nunu’s neck, arms circling around the broad body and holding on tightly.

“I should be cringing, but look at me… it’s- it’s because he stayed away from people, thinking that they only wanted to hurt him, you know? He wasn’t arrogant, he was insecure, there was only the cello and he was simply scared what would happen if it was suddenly gone. He put everything on this one card, and I can’t believe he can finally be himself with someone. I’m thankful to him, to Hyungwon for making him feel like this.”

“You sound like a parent, watching your child grow up,” Nunu remarked and chuckled lowly, showing his teeth. “But I know what you mean. Hyungwon is mostly himself, he cannot be anybody else, but he struggles a lot when changes happen. I was surprised how easily he opened up to Hoseok and allowed him to help him calm down. He still doesn’t really hug you much.”

“No, only if it’s really bad, but we got closer during the Paris trip because I wanted to kill him four times, I think. Now we’re friends. He is super weird, but in the end who of us isn’t, am I right?” Smiling at his stunning boyfriend who spent his life taking care of his friend who had difficulties adjusting, Kihyun couldn’t help wondering how he ended up knowing so many amazing people at once. “They make me happy and you make me happy too, thank you so much,” he whispered. Kihyun could hear the sounds of hot kisses and whispered confessions that made him remember that he felt the same.

“I love you,” he said, leaning back and looking into Hyunwoo’s eyes.

There was a warm smile on the familiar face, as the other man reached out and brushed over his cheek. The brown-haired man was warmth personified, like a fire that smoldered but never too hot to actually burn, just right.

“I love you too,” Hyunwoo whispered and covered his mouth with his own, stroking over his hair.

Smiling into the kiss, Kihyun had this strange thought. The thought that love was the thing that erased the differences between people and made them concentrate on their similarities, learn to cherish each other, to grow and to support. It sounded so easy. Wasn’t it easy? 

_ The world can become a better place, one only needs to love _ .

The end.


End file.
